To say no to this request for money?

[FrequentFlyer96]

The backstory would take forever to type out so I will try to condense it. Sibling with mental health issues combined with a difficult and aggressive personality. Unable to manage life, money etc. Long term claimant of benefits and not at all motivated to find work. Very complex, lots of issues, all very sad. Sibling sees me, ‘responsible’ full time employed sister, as a safety net when it comes to finances. I live overseas halfway around the world (largely to escape difficult family, including this person).
I have lost track of how many requests for money I have given into over the years. Must run into several thousands of pounds.

Most recently I received a call at work and was asked for over £500 to pay a bailiff - for outstanding TV license fees - or sibling would be arrested due to breach of court repayment agreement. Sibling’s distressed child in background whilst bailiff was standing there threatening to take his computer away, so I felt I had no option but to pay.

Anyway, the immediate matter in hand - this evening a request from my sibling for money for my nephew’s end of year prom. No idea if this is true (history of lying about the reasons for asking for money).

The issue is, I do have the money. I could easily afford to send it. I don’t want my nephew to miss out on his prom. I know sibling doesn’t realistically have anyone else to ask. But how does this become my responsibility?! Every time I hand over money I say never again but then another request - just like this one - comes along and I’m back to the beginning.

I know that if I say no, sibling will use her kids as emotional blackmail - will threaten to cut off contact etc. I could happily never see this sibling again but I love her kids. I also know if I say no I’m going to get a whole heap of abuse (usually by email).

But I have had a lifetime of this, no end in sight. I have developed my own mental health issues related to family and every time this happens it is very triggering, which also makes me think I’m reacting disproportionately. Not sure if I’m just reacting emotively.

AIBU to say no to this request for money and block my sibling’s email? (She would never have credit to telephone me so email is her only way to communicate).

Thanks for reading this far if you made it to the end!

It’s not extreme. I have piss taking a particularly piss taking sibling and I hate being in the same environment as her. I have solved the issue by refusing to attend any family events that she attends and won’t listen to my DM whinging about her crassness and greed. I suggest that you do the same. You can’t help people who won’t help themselves. Before I get flamed, my sibling has no mh or physical Heath issues, just extreme laziness, selfishness and entitlement.

After this instance I have set sibling’s emails to go to the spam folder.
Good - small steps OP.

She has no shame in openly asking me for money and does so often in public places, casually as she thinks I’m less likely to argue with her.
Forewarned is forearmed. Just have your responses ready. Also have your partner/husband fully in the loop so he actively and vocally supports you.

I know it’s very self pitying but I see friends with (what I perceive as) normal parents and adult siblings living normal lives with jobs etc and feel very hard done by with my shower of shites
Perfectly understandable. And another reason to lay down this burden and back away.

BTW if You haven't already done so I suggest you open a spreadsheet and plug in all the money you can remember giving your sister together with the reason why she asked for it. The total (and reasonings) might be an eye opener, and provide you with the strength to cut off any more flowing of your money in her direction.

Good luck.

I think you have come to the best conclusion OP After the visit I would block her emails though. Your sister is always going to be a user

If you do continue helping her OP, and you are in no way obligated to do so, could you set an annual budget for it in your own mind, and give to the limit of that budget and not a penny more? It might help you feel more in control of the situation.
I also liked @MidniteScribbler's suggestion, it might be something to think about with your nephew moving onto high school.

Hmm. She is ASKING you for money but still finds the audacity to be rude to you? "20 question", what a...

Contact is mostly to ask for money. Blackmailing. Using kids as leverage. Never thankful. This is really, really abusive and effed up. Her kids will end up developing the same attitude towards you, seeing you as a tool that can be played for cash and this is really sad. You don't have to pay people to say you're sorry or show that you love them.

You seem to be a very nice and caring person, but speaking rationally no one has to feel guilt for escaping a shitstorm. Block her, save small amounts for your nephews' emergencies and find a way to send the money directly to them. In the meantime, heal your mind and be there for your own kids. They need you happy and healthy.

I think this just stems from a wider guilt ... about being able to escape from the situation. That ‘escape’ isn’t really an escape as the family issues seem to haunt me wherever I go

But that's your choice, OP, and you're about to demonstrate that she doesn't have to invent an "emergency" any more, or even explain what she needs - all she has to do is ask for cash or maybe goods (soon to be on ebay, no doubt) and you'll jump

This choice is absolutely yours to make of course, but you might want to consider just how much you're prepared to pay to carry on seeing your nephew, and what this could be doing to him

Because she's not going to stop while it's working

If she asks for money in public
"No sorry I've already given you £x this year"

If she's not shy about it why should you be.

So you save her from bailiffs taking away her possessions and you have to prompt for a thank you? Wake up and realise you're just being used for your money.

I guarantee you that they waste money on things they don't need, knowing they can just call you to pay the bills.

Cut her off and don’t waste time or emotion feeling anything other than relief at doing so.
Further down the line you can do something for her children if you want to although hearing poster up thread comments, talk about let no good deed go unpunished

Meet up this summer, pay for a cafe if necessary.
So you can talk to the children and say when you get social media please add me etc

But be wary that they've inherited the family trait of asking you for money too.

I do feel an immense sense of relief at having marked the email address as Spam!

No
Just no.
You are not actually helping sibling by baling then out

She will forever use her children as leverage for visits with you if you dont comply-dont fall for it

Well done OP!

Again, total lack of thanks despite agreeing to contribute to clothing etc. Just silence. Just further reiterates how this is taken for granted. In anticipation of the next request - probably for school uniform - I’m planning to buy some items directly on the basis that I already know the children need this and I don’t want them to get bullied for having tatty clothing and shoes. Maybe if I do this on my own terms and without waiting to be asked it will avert some of the angst.

Good for you, OP.
You have to look after yourself and your own family.
You aren’t responsible for her decisions and the fact that she’s clearly manipulative and uses emotional blackmail to get the conclusion unfortunately tell you what she values you for.

We’re in a very similar situation (with a different ‘family’ member) and when they demand money for things like clothes, they refuse to give us the option to buy them directly so we’ve stopped giving them money. Short term pain, but in the long term, balance will definitely be restored!

Good luck!

Can they really not afford it? Or are you so used to knowing that you'll pay for it that they don't bother to budget? You say they're rubbish with money, but you're really not helping them. It's now what you want to hear, because you do everything you can for them, but it's just enabling them.

@FrequentFlyer96: I see what you're trying to do with the school stuff but I think she's not going to even see it as help and it'll become an expectation. I'd be very cautious about giving her anything else from now on.

Her kids are being exposed to the attitude that this is acceptable and it's acceptable to not say thank you or be grateful

Yanbu.
You are also enabling her and being a mug.
Do the prom thing,
Treat them in summer when you see them but why do anything else?
Why are your trying to fund her life?
It’s her responsibility not make sure her kids don’t miss out not yours.
Why are you planning to buy uniform for them?

Maybe if I do this on my own terms and without waiting to be asked it will avert some of the angst

I doubt it very much; as said, if she twigs that you'll fund the kids directly, she'll just start coaching them to demand stuff instead (and no doubt blame them if they don't do it well enough)

Basically, you'll remain an un-thanked, taken for granted pushover only as long as you allow yourself to, and the choice of how long that will be can only be yours. While you're deciding, though, do bear in mind the damage this enablement's causing the kids; they might get the odd outfit or whatever, but the real price of that is the appalling lessons they're learning

The more you buy the more she will spend on herself and the children will end up no better off unless you spend more and more to pick up the slack.

At some stage you have to say no. Now is not an important thing to start doing so.

OP, read this by a pp again:

*By bitter experience I can tell you that if you give her children money or goods directly, bypassing her, it will make no difference. Well, except that she will massively manipulate them to tap you up for money, teaching them how to emotionally manipulate you and making their lives hell if they object. Don't do that to them.

The best thing you can do is to give NOTHING ever again. She has money but she just chooses not to spend it on her children, normal bills etc. Total cut off of all cash into that household is the only way.*

You must stop doing this. It doesn't matter whether you're buying clothes, or sending cash, you're teaching her children that manipulating people works. YOU will be just as culpable as your sister, in damaging the children.
I'm not sure if you can be arrested for non payment of TV license debt. I thought it was only council tax where you could be imprisoned. But if so, you should have allowed her to get arrested. The children would be better off in foster care.

You need to get counselling about your guilt. You have no reason to feel guilty, and it's causing you to take actions that will damage the children. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. If you love them as much as you say, you need to stop this. NOW.

Oh, and sending items, or vouchers, won't make any difference. She'll just sell them for cash.

OP, I'm sorry to go against the grain but I'd recommend going NC. I had years and years of this- my sister NEVER asked for anything and even told me off for buying things for her and my DNs but like you, I'd escaped a dysfunctional family and was lucky enough to have landed on my feet so felt a sense of responsibility for the rest of them and their offspring. When it came to my wedding, they ALL let me down spectacularly and were malicious towards me- jealousy? Anyway, it was the wake up call I needed. I went NC and felt guilty that I'd be cut off from my DNs and DNs but I reasoned that they were their parents children and their loyalties lay with them not me. I'm 4 years down the line and although 2/4 siblings have made contact with me themselves and apologised about their behaviour, the other two haven't. I feel I have a much more balanced relationship with the siblings who have been in touch. I feel free'er for having let go of the other two dementor siblings and prioritising myself and my own little family. I suggest you do the same. Good luck whatever you decide. X

Ps. Not to sound harsh and I mean this in the nicest possible way but stop colluding with your sister and encouraging her behaviour- if she knew she didn't have you as backup, she'd probably get her sh*t together eventually and do something for herself and her DC.