To say no to this request for money?

[FrequentFlyer96]

The backstory would take forever to type out so I will try to condense it. Sibling with mental health issues combined with a difficult and aggressive personality. Unable to manage life, money etc. Long term claimant of benefits and not at all motivated to find work. Very complex, lots of issues, all very sad. Sibling sees me, ‘responsible’ full time employed sister, as a safety net when it comes to finances. I live overseas halfway around the world (largely to escape difficult family, including this person).
I have lost track of how many requests for money I have given into over the years. Must run into several thousands of pounds.

Most recently I received a call at work and was asked for over £500 to pay a bailiff - for outstanding TV license fees - or sibling would be arrested due to breach of court repayment agreement. Sibling’s distressed child in background whilst bailiff was standing there threatening to take his computer away, so I felt I had no option but to pay.

Anyway, the immediate matter in hand - this evening a request from my sibling for money for my nephew’s end of year prom. No idea if this is true (history of lying about the reasons for asking for money).

The issue is, I do have the money. I could easily afford to send it. I don’t want my nephew to miss out on his prom. I know sibling doesn’t realistically have anyone else to ask. But how does this become my responsibility?! Every time I hand over money I say never again but then another request - just like this one - comes along and I’m back to the beginning.

I know that if I say no, sibling will use her kids as emotional blackmail - will threaten to cut off contact etc. I could happily never see this sibling again but I love her kids. I also know if I say no I’m going to get a whole heap of abuse (usually by email).

But I have had a lifetime of this, no end in sight. I have developed my own mental health issues related to family and every time this happens it is very triggering, which also makes me think I’m reacting disproportionately. Not sure if I’m just reacting emotively.

AIBU to say no to this request for money and block my sibling’s email? (She would never have credit to telephone me so email is her only way to communicate).

Thanks for reading this far if you made it to the end!

I wouldn't be giving her a penny, but could you offer to 'sponsor' your nephew with his school? I have a student who has a parent who is horrible with money, but has an agreement with her uncle that he pays school costs. I just send him an email when anything is needed and he pays directly to the school. He even transfers some money at the start of the year to the school (overpays the school fees into the school account and the assistant principal organises the uniform required for her). It might be a way of supporting your nephew, without your sister getting anywhere near the money.

If he is 11 the prom story is probably true. Some schools are doing this. My grandaughter, aged 11, is having a school disco so not too over the top at her school. She has a new dress, bought by me, which will also go on her summer holiday so not really a prom dress. Her mother will buy some pretty sandals which again will also double up for use on their coming holiday so not really an extra expense. They also had to buy a ticket. It is definitely not your responsibility op but it will be very disappointing for him if all his friends are going and he can't. They often go on to different secondaries or are in different classed so it is a sort of final goodbye, not only to primary school but to some friends they've had since nursery.

I know I know you've done enough already and none of this is your responsibility but as he's your nephew and you've said you can afford you could do it as his birthday present by buying directly. Could you get him a new shirt and casual trousers somewhere like next on line without sending any money directly to his mother and buy the ticket directly. Perfectly understandable if you don't want to though. You have to stop the bailing out sometime. I feel real sympathy for you.

Dont reply saying no. If it will only trigger a barrage of abuse. Just dont reply.
Block her phone and email for a while. (Unblock at a time of your choosing if you so wish. But then it's on your terms.)

If she cant afford to send hee child, the he just doesn't go unfortunately.
There's kid missing this year as going on holiday. Some of us never had year 6 leaving parties, we survived. She kmew this was coming up and saved nothing towards it, that's on her, not you.

Say no and brace yourself for the abuse. You cannot continue to bail her out. She has to be made to take responsibility and she won't while you keep bailing her out.

Say no and tell her never again. And mean it.

Unable to manage life, money etc. Long term claimant of benefits and not at all motivated to find work. [.....]. Sibling sees me, ‘responsible’ full time employed sister, as a safety net when it comes to finances.

Frequent The more you give your sister the more she will take you for granted. She feels entitled to the money you have worked for.

I have this same dynamic in my family and have been approached for a fairly sizeable loan. However, having seen how badly this has frequently worked out for other members of my family who have previously been the recipients of these requests ("loan" not repaid, agreement to once lend taken as a sign for frequent requests for money) I have effectively said "No - I'm afraid that's not possible".

The relief I felt once I said no was like a weight off my shoulders, particularly as other family members have since lent money not (yet) paid back.

I would strongly advise you to say that are no longer able to help. It's not like your DN being unable to attend a primary school prom is an emergency and, as a PP has said, now is a good time to free yourself of these constant demands.

I would encourage you (especially as you made the decision to move half way around the world to escape your demanding relative) that you block her number, mute her on social media and set up her emails to go to a separate folder. I think you can also set up those emails to auto-delete at a date/time period to suit you so you may want to investigate that. Try that for a few months and see how you feel maybe?

At the moment she has no incentive to budget properly from the taxpayer benefits she's already getting (ie not working for) because you are constantly bailing her out - and she knows that you always will because she's more stronger and more persistent in her demands than you are able to decline.

I hope you can find the strength to back away. 🌹

Thanks for all the responses.
I enquired with sibling what the money would actually be spent on - entry fee, or clothes etc. I just got a pressured message back about how my ‘twenty questions’ are adding to her stress.

I agree with all the advice that I need to stop doing this but there is never a good time. My little family (husband and my own kids) are visiting UK in next few weeks. Have limited the time we spend with family but do still want to see sibling’s kids. I know she will probably block this if I say no to this request.

More generally it feels so unfair that her children have to miss out on nice things that my own children have access to. I think this just stems from a wider guilt I eternally have about being able to escape from the situation. That ‘escape’ isn’t really an escape as the family issues seem to haunt me wherever I go.

For the poster who asked about social services they are already involved. Without going into to detail on that, I also feel guilty as at one point I was asked if I could potentially have the children but I couldn’t due to living overseas.

After a sleepless night I think I will tell sibling I will buy what nephew needs directly ie clothing, and order it online.

That sounds like a good plan. As I said do be careful with the sizing. 11/12 is likely to be minuscule.

It is never unreasonable to say no when someone asks for money. Especially when this person has a track record for being bad with money and you having to bail them out. It's quite clear the money would never be returned.

Do you need to actually say yes or no to this?

Obviously you shouldn't send any money but I would be tempted to just ignore the message altogether, rather than replying to say no. It might be best to distance yourself from them for a while. You don't owe them anything and it sounds like your life has been impacted negatively by your family. You need to put yourself first.

Keep in separate contact with her kids and stop contact with her. Nowt but cheeky they aren’t your kids or your problem or just say you’ve lost your job and are struggling yourself.

By bitter experience I can tell you that if you give her children money or goods directly, bypassing her, it will make no difference. Well, except that she will massively manipulate them to tap you up for money, teaching them how to emotionally manipulate you and making their lives hell if they object. Don't do that to them.

The best thing you can do is to give NOTHING ever again. She has money but she just chooses not to spend it on her children, normal bills etc. Total cut off of all cash into that household is the only way.

You need to start saying no - and please start now! Going to a party at 11 years old in new clothes isn't going to change your nephew's life. Tell her no, make up a reason if you like "going through a tough patch with my own expenses at the moment" if it makes you feel better. Then block her. No one should be expected to constantly bail people out.

I would tell her things are tight financially for you currently and would she be able to repay some of the money you have given her in the past!

My dd is 11 and is having her end of school 'prom/disco' and will wear what ever party clothes she has in her wardrobe, my friends boys are just going in jeans and T shirts. The school are covering the cost of the 'pizza, juice and doughnuts'. As will most schools.

What ever she wants the money for it not be for your nephew.

Her message isn't good. If I legitimately needed money for something like this, I'd be happy to say what the amounts were and what for.

No I wouldn't fund a prom.
It's not essential and I'm sure your nephew has some suitable clothes he can wear.
I'd regard it as guidance in future financial planning. You don't spend money you haven't got on parties.
If you want to help him I'd do something like starting a savings fund for something like driving lessons when he is older. Something useful that could also help him get a job and start earning at the correct time.

I can see why this is hard for you. And perhaps you even feel a little bit "guilty" if you don't help them.

I agree, it's a very sad situation, and this is your sibling. However: as mean as it sounds: this didn't stop her to have children. Poor kids!

Say NO and step back as hard as it might be, because this will never end.

How much is she asking for?
Agree with ordering it direct.
I would change my number quietly and not share it with her so you won't receive more bailiff calls.
Agree this is nephews birthday present.

Your sister is using her children as her "cash cow", my sister did the same to me (I was emotionally manipulated into being my sister's cash machine by my mother) and like you I always gave in because of my "guilt" for managing to pull myself up and do ok for myself.

I initially put a stop to it when I refused to pay £150 for trainers my nephew wanted. He threw tantrums refused to go to school etc she blamed me and we ended up NC for a few years. During the NC years I decided to set up savings accounts for each of my sister's kids and give the £££ when each child turned 21.

My oldest niece turned 21, I gave her the savings she's happy & thankful. But once my sister worked out that I will do the same for my other niece and nephew, this has opened up the door to my sister to start her antics again. Asking for £££ for furniture, bills etc. Asking to dip into nieces & nephews savings to pay for stuff they need now. It's exhausting and I'm pissed off. I'm sorry I don't have any answers but I completely understand how you feel.

You're being blackmailed. You need to put a stop to it now, not layer. Yes it may be hard to see them go without things that you know you could buy for them, but that's not your responsibility. If they cared enough they'd wake up and provide for their family instead of thinking Bank of sis will always save the day. Do you ever even get a thank you? Like an actual sincere sign of gratitude?

Could you offer to send a voucher for the shop he needs? Or to buy the outfit etc online and send to them?

Have you thought about setting up a savings account for your sibling, where you pay in a fixed amount every month? £50? That way, you relieve your guilt, and sibling can't come back and say you give them nothing.
And it also gives you a get-out clause when they come after more.

Pinkyy no I rarely get any thank you - usually only if I prompt it.

Contact is rare but that could be as they have little access to internet and no phone line to make international calls (I live in a place where Skype etc is blocked).

After this instance I have set sibling’s emails to go to the spam folder.

Dreading having to see her in the summer holidays. She has no shame in openly asking me for money and does so often in public places, casually as she thinks I’m less likely to argue with her.

I know it’s very self pitying but I see friends with (what I perceive as) normal parents and adult siblings living normal lives with jobs etc and feel very hard done by with my shower of sh*tes.

Sorry, bit extreme there but very frustrated.

So she didn't answer your question as to what exactly the money was for. That to me would suggest she'll ask for more than is actually needed for her Ds. I'd order an outfit online if you are really feeling guilted into doing so, but I wouldn't send her a penny in cash. Tell her the bank of FrequentFlyer96 is now closed!