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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this request for money?

155 replies

FrequentFlyer96 · 10/07/2019 19:27

The backstory would take forever to type out so I will try to condense it. Sibling with mental health issues combined with a difficult and aggressive personality. Unable to manage life, money etc. Long term claimant of benefits and not at all motivated to find work. Very complex, lots of issues, all very sad. Sibling sees me, ‘responsible’ full time employed sister, as a safety net when it comes to finances. I live overseas halfway around the world (largely to escape difficult family, including this person).
I have lost track of how many requests for money I have given into over the years. Must run into several thousands of pounds.

Most recently I received a call at work and was asked for over £500 to pay a bailiff - for outstanding TV license fees - or sibling would be arrested due to breach of court repayment agreement. Sibling’s distressed child in background whilst bailiff was standing there threatening to take his computer away, so I felt I had no option but to pay.

Anyway, the immediate matter in hand - this evening a request from my sibling for money for my nephew’s end of year prom. No idea if this is true (history of lying about the reasons for asking for money).

The issue is, I do have the money. I could easily afford to send it. I don’t want my nephew to miss out on his prom. I know sibling doesn’t realistically have anyone else to ask. But how does this become my responsibility?! Every time I hand over money I say never again but then another request - just like this one - comes along and I’m back to the beginning.

I know that if I say no, sibling will use her kids as emotional blackmail - will threaten to cut off contact etc. I could happily never see this sibling again but I love her kids. I also know if I say no I’m going to get a whole heap of abuse (usually by email).

But I have had a lifetime of this, no end in sight. I have developed my own mental health issues related to family and every time this happens it is very triggering, which also makes me think I’m reacting disproportionately. Not sure if I’m just reacting emotively.

AIBU to say no to this request for money and block my sibling’s email? (She would never have credit to telephone me so email is her only way to communicate).

Thanks for reading this far if you made it to the end!

OP posts:
RosaWaiting · 10/07/2019 19:47

I’m afraid I’d say no
Nothing will change if you keep forking out

NinjaInFluffyPJs · 10/07/2019 19:47

Do you know which school he goes to? They might have an info on their website

RuggerHug · 10/07/2019 19:48

Tell her you can't lend any more but she can use the money she was going to pay you back for the bailiffs on nephews prom.

hazell42 · 10/07/2019 19:49

I dont really think that the time to be saying no is when your sister contacts you in crisis.
Because you and she will both feel like shit. If you can afford it I would pay for the prom, but I would also send an email saying your circumstances have changed and your health deteriorated, and while you will always be willing to offer advice, this is the last time you will be able to offer financial assistance. Give her the details of a credit union and offer to help her sort out her finances
Reiterate from time to time that you are struggling, before she asks again
Which she will. Then stand firm.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 10/07/2019 19:49

Prom costs are very low in my area. Most have minimal charge or are free. Boys are mostly in smart trousers and a shirt.

NinjaInFluffyPJs · 10/07/2019 19:50

What worries me the most is that the kids may grow up the same since they don't know nay better. They see their mum always get through it with the help of an aunt and all is good.
These attitudes are learned

dustarr73 · 10/07/2019 19:54

Just say no,not your problem.You have bailed them out loads.
The Bank has closed.

I do feel sorry for your nephew but thats down to his dm,not you.

HollowTalk · 10/07/2019 19:54

I would help out your nephew and tell him I'd meet him (if that's possible) to buy him clothes (keep hold of the receipt) and I'd send the school a cheque. I wouldn't send her money, though, as I don't think your nephew would see a penny of it.

RosaWaiting · 10/07/2019 19:56

The thing is, if you pay for this, then your sister will ask you for money for school trips etc in future

Nephew will see you as a bank as well. It’s not a good precedent to set.

bellsbuss · 10/07/2019 19:57

We are in the process of organising next years prom for our children currently in year 5 and I'm quite shocked at how much it is. £35 each for a limo, £30 for a meal and disco plus the cost of an outfit. This is a state primary btw, it's my 3rd child at this school and the proms seem to be getting bigger and bigger. I think as pp have said contact nephew direct.

MyNewBearTotoro · 10/07/2019 19:58

I don’t believe it’s true as I just can’t imagine a primary school would be making a pay-per-ticket prom. My experience is that primary schools will only ask for a ‘suggested donation’ for activities such as trips or parties but if children’s parents can’t pay they’re still able to attend.

I would say you’re sorry but you can’t help and I would tell her you can’t help her financially anymore. The fact she is using her DC as emotional blackmail is awful but it is also teaching them an awful lesson that you can manipulate people into doing what they want. It might be hard to give in to a young child crying in the background but you’re doing them a favour if it means they don’t become entitled adults who think it’s okay to blackmail people like that in order to get what they want.

ShimmerSunset · 10/07/2019 20:01

say nothing. Just block them all, at least for a couple of months anyway. You'll have time to get your head straight, and they will have to learn to look after themselves.

Shinesweetfreedom · 10/07/2019 20:05

You are being treated like a mug.
No need for her to get responsible as you will always pick up the pieces.
And then it will go on to the next generation,who will have their hand out to you.
Stop being a mug,tell them you have had to pay a large bill and it has left you totally broke and was hoping if she could give you some money to help you out as you have given her lots in the past.

mumwon · 10/07/2019 20:07

know which primary school dn goes to? bet they have web page or facebook &if they do prom they will mention it/ I would ring the school & ask if you cant see anything & ask them (yes I would do that & from overseas) be honest explain situation state your not asking confidential information but generally about whether it is happening. & if you send something purchase a voucher online for specific shop (ie Matalan for instance) so it cant be used for anything else & you can check cost of clothes.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/07/2019 20:08

Order him the clothes online to be delivered to her address?

If she refuses then the money isn’t for the prom.

ShesABelter · 10/07/2019 20:09

If it's for something to wear then I would buy a gift voucher online and email it if it can be done. Then I'd say to her I'm sorry but going forward I can no longer help. You need to learn how to manage your finances and budget better and perhaps get a job. I know how you feel, my sister it the same except much smaller amounts.

GabsAlot · 10/07/2019 20:10

No you cant keep handing out money whatever its for-you dont even know if its true anyway-where does it end parties socialising etc

I understand why you paid for the baliff but youve got to stop somewhere

suzy2b · 10/07/2019 20:12

I would speak to the school and find out all the details if it cost pay the school and if he needs clothes buy them yourself and send and tell sister this is the last time as you cannot afford it any more

Howyiz · 10/07/2019 20:13

As @ChazsBrilliantAttitude suggests send some smart trousers a shirt and a voucher for a show shop of you want to send something.
That said it would be easier to draw a line now with something that is non critical.

Blanca87 · 10/07/2019 20:13

Maybe contact the school direct to find out if there is a ticket charge. You could also order a outfit from some online shop to be delivered to their address. I think if you contact the school you will be able to ascertain if it is bullshit and that can inform how you may want to progress.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/07/2019 20:14

Unless you're prepared to bankrupt yourself you'll have to say no sooner or later - so isn't a non-essential like prom costs an ideal place to start? Of course she'll instantly create another "emergency" in lieu, but saying no the first time tends to make it easier when the next demand arrives

I wouldn't be funding the nephew directly either; do that and she'll probably start coaching him to beg from you - and that's hardly a fair thing to put on a child

winetomorrow · 10/07/2019 20:14

Going against the grain here, I had a sister who was always asking people to help her. Whenever I could I would give her what she needed and a bit more if I could afford it. Others (who had/have a lot more than me) helped her but were less charitable and would give her 'loans' and constantly demand repayment which she was never in a position to do. She died really young and I'm so glad I helped her when I could. Her life was pretty stressful and I wish she could ask me to help her again.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 10/07/2019 20:14

Do you know the school your nephew goes to? You could log on to their website to see if they really are having a prom?

Blanca87 · 10/07/2019 20:14

Sorry I have just seen cross posting.

Waterfallgirl · 10/07/2019 20:15

A combination of
@ChazsBrilliantAttitude @ShesABelter and @suzy2b suggestions I think.
Then tell your sis no more.