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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my non-local friend to stay for the evening at my wedding?

249 replies

allthewaytorenooo · 10/07/2019 14:08

Actual geographical locations changed but distances roughly correct.

I'm not a bridezilla but genuinely feeling hurt by this from one of my oldest and closest friends so asking if AIBU as I'd honestly like to feel better about it!

Friend lives in Wales, I live in Buckinghamshire and am getting married in Sussex, where my family all live.

Friend is invited to the whole wedding, has RSVPd she's coming. Wedding is at 3, food around 5.30.

She's just emailed me to confirm times etc re: eating and has responded "great, I'm going to see a show in London that evening so good we'll have finished eating by 7."

So it turns out she's going to travel to my wedding, and yes I know the important bit is the ceremony...then she's going to leave right after the speeches to go and see a show in London as it's convenent for her having tavelled all that way across.

I just, well, I just thought she'd come to the whole thing and it has hurt me that she doesn't want to be there for it. I know weddings are boring etc but we have lots of mutual friends and she's basically missing the fun party bit.

Is this normal? She didn't already have tickets for something, she's literally going to book them as it's convenient.

OP posts:
Justbreathing · 10/07/2019 23:33

@Cautionsharpblade
Exactly!! It’s an English thing to do! Not a welsh thing.

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 11/07/2019 00:10

That's very harsh of her Op, so sorry she's being such a shit friend. If I were you, I'd try to just let it go now with the sad realisation that the friendship isn't what you thought it was.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 11/07/2019 07:14

Try not to dwell on this, OP. She is at least trying to make the ceremony, and the toasts. That should tell you she does value your friendship.

Concentrate on enjoying your wedding, then have an open and frank discussion with her after the event. Cancel her meal though, at £150 a head. There's no way they'll have time to eat it!

Mumof3dragons · 11/07/2019 08:10

Also maybe sour grapes you are getting married for actual love.

Happynow001 · 11/07/2019 08:14

Would happily cancel the whole bollocking lot and fly to Vegas the way I feel right now.
I was just going to suggest the same thing OP! 😁 I think you and your almost DH have been thoughtful and kind to take into account the majority of your guests. Sadly some people are just thoughtless, cheeky wotsits who don't put themselves In someone else's shoes and who don't deserve good friends like you.

On the premise you don't cancel and fly to Vegas instead just you and 'hubby' I like what Sashkin said, ie

I’d reply “oh ok, if you’re going to make it to a show in London you’ll need to leave straight after the ceremony, so I’ve cancelled your meal. Have fun!” And I wouldn’t rebook it, regardless of how much she backtracks.

I really wouldn't try and be too accommodating to someone who is not making you a priority on your Day..

Whatever you decide, I hope you have a fabulous day - and have a wonderful honeymoon to relax in! 🌹🍷

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 11/07/2019 08:18

So rude of her but please don't focus on this before the day. You'll be so busy you won't have time to worry about her on the day. Let it go and let her carry on being odd/weird/rude

NanooCov · 11/07/2019 08:31

I'm sorry for your friend's behaviour OP - that's a really shitty way to behave.

One of my cousins left after our meal to go to the casino. Twatbag. The wedding was in my old home town where he still lives so he could go to the pissing casino any time he liked. I was very annoyed as we don't travel back to my old home town often (think opposite end of country to where I live now) so I was looking forward to seeing friends and family.

When it was his turn to get married, my husband and I and our toddler and 8 week old baby travelled the length of the country to attend and stayed for most of the evening reception (basically until the toddler ran out of steam) despite the organisation of the wedding being a total shambles with huge periods of waiting around.

I think I'll always think of him as being a selfish little twat. 😂

Ellmau · 11/07/2019 08:47

I think perhaps originally she didn't realise how far it was.

IMO there are two options:

  1. Accept the situation, leaving her in her apparent happy impression that she can get there in 30 mins, she leaves at 7.30, and misses her meal. Downside: she may be being disingenuous and planning on leaving earlier without telling you.
  1. Spell out the train timings to her (again); explain that her meal and her partner's are costing you £300, which again, she may not realise if her own ceremony was as low key as you say and she hasn't attended many other weddings, it would be unfair to make you pay that if they're not going to eat it, and ask her if they would prefer to leave early and you cancel their meal. That way at least she will know how inconsiderate she is being. (Or ask her to refund you the £300 if she doesn't want to cancel but doesn't eat the meal in the end.)

PS: are you sure her partnership is a sham? If so, why is fake partner being invited anyway?

Original poster
allthewaytorenooo · 11/07/2019 09:09

Thanks all.

Meals are £75 per head not £150. Yes her marriage was a sham but they’re good friends (lesbians) and go to a lot of things together in an attempt to prove they are a real couple until they divorce. In a sense they did marry for love (as plus one was being deported to home country where being gay is very difficult) but not romantic life partnership if that makes sense.

I think I’ll just do as others have suggested and cancel their food and just see them at the ceremony with good grace.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 11/07/2019 09:17

She lives in Sussex? And the show is in Bristol? There is no way in hell that she booked those tickets before knowing she would be in the area for your wedding. So saying that they were booked before she got your invitation and then realised that they clashed........is pure bull shit.

She sounds like a shit ‘friend’.

Original poster
allthewaytorenooo · 11/07/2019 09:33

I am really wondering if she booked the tickets on purpose to get out of the evening do now.

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 11/07/2019 09:34

I think op you are just going to have to face up to the fact she doesnt put you in high regard.

Cancel their meals.let them try get to the show and you just relax and enjoy your day.You cant fix this,because you didnt cause it.Leave her and i would be seriously thinking about the friendship.

EugenesAxe · 11/07/2019 11:29

Maybe she hasn't done the maths. If she's from Sussex, she probably thinks Bristol is just a hop, skip and a jump away from Cardiff.

Glad I wasn’t the only one to be a bit Hmm about this @AnotherEmma. Yes, us in the SE are completely incapable of knowing or finding out anything about anywhere outside the South Downs...

EugenesAxe · 11/07/2019 11:30

Although apparently I can’t program properly. @AnotherEmma - that’s better

AnotherEmma · 11/07/2019 13:02
Grin
optimisticpessimist01 · 11/07/2019 13:07

Absolute twattish behaviour. If she couldn't afford to stay/actually get accommodation then fair enough, but to book a show too in the evening!! How rude!!

I'm travelling 3 hours to the lake district and spending an entire weekend there for a close friends wedding- something that I am thrilled to be doing!

She is not a true friend OP

optimisticpessimist01 · 11/07/2019 13:14

Honestly OP it is your wedding day and you do what ever the fuck you want to do

SIL had her wedding in Sussex, we live in Yorkshire, her parents live in the NE- but not a single complaint from any of us

As mentioned in previous post, my friend is getting married in the Lake District- again not a single complaint

Sometimes people just like to be awkward and moan just for the sake of it. I know it's difficult but try not to think about it and just be excited to get married to the love of your life

CornishMaid1 · 11/07/2019 13:37

I can't imagine there is a show in Bristol that has not been or that will not be in London. To have chosen Bristol over London for the show, with the travel, and on that one night just seems like a fit up.

I'm guessing your wedding is on a Saturday. Looking at train times from Cardiff Central to Bristol Temple Meads to give time to get there (getting in 9 minutes before the start to them get across wouldn't work), the last train time would leave Cardiff Station at 6:27pm.

She would have to get from your venue to the station for the train at 6:27. There is no way she will be there for the meal. She may manage the start and possibly start a main course, depending on whether food is at 5:30 or whether speeches are then.

Cancel her food order and tell her that if she wants to go to the show fine, but she will not have time to stay for the food.

IHateUncleJamie · 11/07/2019 16:49

Cancel her food order and tell her that if she wants to go to the show fine, but she will not have time to stay for the food.

^^This. I’d be quite cool with her and just say that although you highly doubt she’ll get there in time for the show, it’s her choice and you will cancel their meals accordingly.

msmith501 · 11/07/2019 16:58

It's your wedding - you have better things to worry about. Enjoy the day, see your friend, celebrate the occasion with lots of people who love you and stop over thinking. Not every small drama needs to be a crisis. I promise you that two weeks after the wedding you'll not give a toss. Life is full of cheeky fuckers and worse... focus on priorities (and stop being pulled to MN to solve non issues). Perspective is everything x

Dra1972 · 11/07/2019 18:05

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nuxe1984 · 11/07/2019 18:07

She obviously doesn't have a clue about how long it's going to take her to get from the wedding venue to the show! And that's assuming everything runs on time at the wedding ( unlikely) or that there are no issues with transport.

I would enail/speak to her . Explain that you assumed she'd be there to celebrate the whole day with you and that it's likely she'll have to leave early before the meal or speeches, etc have finished. I would tell her that you are now stressing about the timings because of this. And disappointed she doesn't want to celebrate with you.

DappledThings · 11/07/2019 18:19

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FelicisNox · 11/07/2019 18:23

YANBU.

But I can see both sides.

Talk to her, explain your feelings. She will obviously be staying overnight in London so what if you compromise?

You could pay for her to stay overnight at your wedding and then she could go to London and stay overnight and see her show?

Win win.

Not being funny but I'm in Bedfordshire so I can see the distance being an issue and why she wants to make the most of her time down here.

Frazzledstar1 · 11/07/2019 18:30

That’s just plain rude! If she wanted to catch a show perhaps she should have come down this way for 2 nights.