To want my non-local friend to stay for the evening at my wedding?

[allthewaytorenooo]

Actual geographical locations changed but distances roughly correct.

I'm not a bridezilla but genuinely feeling hurt by this from one of my oldest and closest friends so asking if AIBU as I'd honestly like to feel better about it!

Friend lives in Wales, I live in Buckinghamshire and am getting married in Sussex, where my family all live.

Friend is invited to the whole wedding, has RSVPd she's coming. Wedding is at 3, food around 5.30.

She's just emailed me to confirm times etc re: eating and has responded "great, I'm going to see a show in London that evening so good we'll have finished eating by 7."

So it turns out she's going to travel to my wedding, and yes I know the important bit is the ceremony...then she's going to leave right after the speeches to go and see a show in London as it's convenent for her having tavelled all that way across.

I just, well, I just thought she'd come to the whole thing and it has hurt me that she doesn't want to be there for it. I know weddings are boring etc but we have lots of mutual friends and she's basically missing the fun party bit.

Is this normal? She didn't already have tickets for something, she's literally going to book them as it's convenient.

I would suggest to her that she leaves before the meal if she wants to go to the theatre too. The ceremony is the most important bit of the day, so she can still celebrate your marriage.

The meal very often finishes late at weddings and even if it finished bang on time she would probably miss the theatre start anyway. I can imagine them leaving part way through the meal, or being stressed and impatient during the meal, which may upset the rest of their table and you.

It would be far better for everyone if they enjoyed the early part of the day with you, then left before the meal in good time, rather than being impatient and stressed, you feeling cross that your £175 was wasted and them feeling cross that they missed the show.

Is there any chance she's just one of these people who does wildly underestimate how long things take? And there's a good chance she'll get caught up in your wedding and miss the theatre?

"StealthPolarBear Wed 10-Jul-19 21:33:19
Is there any chance she's just one of these people who does wildly underestimate how long things take? And there's a good chance she'll get caught up in your wedding and miss the theatre?"

No, she isn't like that.

I think she's decided as she's in Bristol staying with relatives she may as well get in a show as well.

@allthewaytorenooo

Hi, I have just joined the party so to speak and read six pages of updates in 2 minutes but here is what I think. I got married last year, and on reflection, this would have bothered me so much, but after my wedding taking place, in the grand scheme of things, it would not have mattered.

This is you and your future hubby's wedding we are talking about. You invited your friend, she RSVP, and she did not tell you about that show at the time. That is wrong on her front. That being said, it's up to you and your husband what you re happy with going forward. The way I see it, you have two options:

1. You tell her to come for the ceremony as £150 pp is too much to spend for someone who is going to leave early and rush a meal. Do not change any of your wedding plans (meal length or speeches) based on this girl. She is not worth it!

1. The second option is that you keep things the way they are and just let her do whatever she wants. I would not give it a second thought. I would tell her that she is invited to the whole day you cannot keep her there against her will and that you will be focusing on your happiness and that if she wants to leave, then that's fine no problem end off.

Do not let her think you are bothered is what I am saying. Do not google train times or that, just let her sort out her shit and don't buy tickets from her. If she genuinely cared about you and your wedding, she would have sold the tickets and bought new ones for the previous night or sorted something else out without bothering you. You will be lucky to have 5 minutes to spend with her at your wedding and the whole day will fly in so fast. My best memories are spent with my husband, and as long as your husband is there, then that's all that matters.

I would understand if she was leaving early for another vital family occasion, but you cannot put a show which you can see anytime over your friends' wedding. Please do not waste £300 and two seats on this girl. My husband and I invited so many people because we thought we had to and then on the day some did not show up, others came late and others we do not even speak to anymore. The people we knew after the wedding which were genuine we invited for evening guest. You must have a backup list, switch her and her plus one out for someone else who can make it and be nice about it and I am sure she will understand.

Oops, gave away the actual location there

How is she thinking it's half an hour on the train? National Rail app has 1hr 24 mins from Cardiff Bay to Bristol (various stations) as minimum.

There's no way she'll be there for the whole meal.

"AnotherEmma Wed 10-Jul-19 21:38:01
Oops, gave away the actual location there"

You obviously missed my previous post

"How is she thinking it's half an hour on the train? National Rail app has 1hr 24 mins from Cardiff Bay to Bristol (various stations) as minimum. "

I do not know. I visit Wales a lot. It's always about an hour from Bristol to the main station in Cardiff, I have no clue how she thinks she can be at the theatre in half an hour.

"This is you and your future hubby's wedding we are talking about. You invited your friend, she RSVP, and she did not tell you about that show at the time. That is wrong on her front. That being said, it's up to you and your husband what you re happy with going forward. "

Thanks for posting but you and I don't have the same mentality. It's not all about me and my 'hubby' my friends mean an awful lot to me.

Sorry, that came out all wrong. It's not the wedding that is bothering me - that will be great whatever happens - it's the friendship.

Talk to her... Tell her how you feel and that you really want her to be there to celebrate with you into the evening. Is it possible that she might not have been to many weddings so not fully appreciate the sequence of events?

Talk to her... Tell her how you feel and that you really want her to be there to celebrate with you into the evening
Best piece of advice on the board instead iof all the passive aggressive nonsense.

There's no way she's getting from Cardiff to Bristol in half an hour! The station's nowhere near the hippodrome either.

I'm sorry she's let you down, OP. I wish she was a better friend for you xxx

@allthewaytorenooo

it is quite clear that this girl regards a show more important than your wedding or you would not be posting here. I was only trying to suggest that you invite friends who value your friendship as she clearly doesn't.

Your response baffles me as I was genuinely trying to help.

I think you're going to have to accept she will be there for the ceremony and to toast you afterwards with a drink, but won't be staying for the meal. She's completely underestimated the time it will take her and her partner to get from Cardiff Bay to Bristol. Tell her that! She either misses the meal or misses the show. Maybe she hasn't done the maths. If she's from Sussex, she probably thinks Bristol is just a hop, skip and a jump away from Cardiff.

I think it is incredibly cheeky of your "friend" and wonder if the friendship is a little one sided with you making more effort. I think she would need to leave before the meal is over so I would resent paying out £150 for her and her plus one considering she is probably going to slope off after one course. I think I would say to her that you don't think that she will be able to stay to the whole wedding breakfast due to them having a train to catch and you would rather she did not leave half way through so she is welcome to the ceremony but you will cancel the meal. Be prepared for the friendship to be over though. Who normally makes the effort here to keep in touch?

It's okay, I hope you get it sorted but weddings do show who your real friends are. Looking back I worried about things I needed not be concerned about. I really do wish you a great wedding day when it comes.

"Freespirit24 Wed 10-Jul-19 21:50:42
@allthewaytorenooo

it is quite clear that this girl regards a show more important than your wedding or you would not be posting here. I was only trying to suggest that you invite friends who value your friendship as she clearly doesn't.

Your response baffles me as I was genuinely trying to help."

I did apologise latterly freespirit, and I thank you for your input. I was more trying to explain that I;m not worried that the wedding day will be affected by her not being there. It's what it says about our friendship that upsets me, not the day itself.

Oh crap yes I'd missed loads of posts, sorry

"I've googled it and the show is on the night before, so I've suggested she buy tickets for the night before and I'll buy her tickets off her and get rid of them myself."

I was shaking my head at this even before I read the rest... I'm really glad she didn't agree to you buying the tickets off her, terrible idea! Why should you solve it for her and potentially be out of pocket - especially when you're paying £150 for her to attend your wedding!

Based on the follow up email, it seems she just doesn't care enough about the wedding to try and change of sell her tickets so she can stay for the whole thing

I'm sorry she's shit. Sadly she's not (or no longer) as good a friend as you thought How do you feel about it now - do you still want her to come?

I am not keen on evening weddings, but this is pushing it. I'd let her know that if she intends to make the show, she won't have time to eat. Don't pay for food that will be wasted.

"If she's from Sussex, she probably thinks Bristol is just a hop, skip and a jump away from Cardiff."

Anyone can look it up on Google maps! I don't live anywhere near Bristol or Cardiff and it took me about 2 seconds to find out that the journey takes at least an hour.

I missed a tonne of updates. Nevermind.

"I am not keen on evening weddings""

Thanks. I am not even sure what an 'evening wedding' is.

We are not getting married until 3pm to accomomodate all the friends - like her - who have to trave from the SE to save them having to travel up the night before to be there for 11/12 whatever.

Cannot please everyone (anyone?) it seems.

Oh and sorry your family have been shit too.
Weddings to tend to bring out the drama sadly.
It will all be worth it in the end though!
With hubby

"Are you sure you want to come to the wedding?"