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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my non-local friend to stay for the evening at my wedding?

249 replies

allthewaytorenooo · 10/07/2019 14:08

Actual geographical locations changed but distances roughly correct.

I'm not a bridezilla but genuinely feeling hurt by this from one of my oldest and closest friends so asking if AIBU as I'd honestly like to feel better about it!

Friend lives in Wales, I live in Buckinghamshire and am getting married in Sussex, where my family all live.

Friend is invited to the whole wedding, has RSVPd she's coming. Wedding is at 3, food around 5.30.

She's just emailed me to confirm times etc re: eating and has responded "great, I'm going to see a show in London that evening so good we'll have finished eating by 7."

So it turns out she's going to travel to my wedding, and yes I know the important bit is the ceremony...then she's going to leave right after the speeches to go and see a show in London as it's convenent for her having tavelled all that way across.

I just, well, I just thought she'd come to the whole thing and it has hurt me that she doesn't want to be there for it. I know weddings are boring etc but we have lots of mutual friends and she's basically missing the fun party bit.

Is this normal? She didn't already have tickets for something, she's literally going to book them as it's convenient.

OP posts:
BlueSkiesLies · 10/07/2019 14:40

maybe she thought you meant the whole wedding would be finished after the meal and she doesn’t think she has done anything wrong

that is reaching a bit!

notacooldad · 10/07/2019 14:41

Its not cool behaviour from your friend.

MatildaTheCat · 10/07/2019 14:42

Actually on those timings she doesn’t have time to eat. I would message her and say that you are looking forward to seeing her at your wedding but since she will be leaving when the meal is barely started perhaps you should cancel her meal?

I’m quite laid back but that’s pretty awful behaviour. Fingers crossed she gets stuck on the train and misses her show.

Original poster
allthewaytorenooo · 10/07/2019 14:42

I need to double check and make sure I haven't got it wrong about the tickets before I say anything.

It is possible that she already had the tickets and is therefore trying to combine the two.

In her shoes I'd try and sell the tickets on but maybe this looks like a good compromise to her.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 10/07/2019 14:43

Perhaps you could say something along the lines of "I am disappointed that you don't want to stay for the whole event, but it's your choice."

Whatever you say, keep it brief. It sucks but it's probably not worth falling out over.

(Does she have form for doing weird things like this?)

NewMe2019 · 10/07/2019 14:43

Very rude of her OP. I'd be tempted to tell her not to bother. No way will she make it so she'll end up walking out early.

Original poster
allthewaytorenooo · 10/07/2019 14:43

"Actually on those timings she doesn’t have time to eat. I would message her and say that you are looking forward to seeing her at your wedding but since she will be leaving when the meal is barely started perhaps you should cancel her meal?"

I am worried about this. She has a plus one as well and their two meals are £150. I know it's up to me to pay those prices and I'm happy to, if they get eaten!

OP posts:
modgepodge · 10/07/2019 14:44

There is absolutely no way, with food served at 5.30, she will make a show in central London. They start at 7.30 usually. Assuming she will need to get the train/tube in? No chance.

I think it’s very odd. Almost all weddings have an evening bit- the only one I went to which didn’t had very clear info on the invitation that the party finished at 8.30 - because that’s unusual. Expecting to go to a show after a wedding is weird.

Also, don’t get all the people saying that the ceremony is this important bit. I mean yes, but the fun bit is the party for most people surely??? I’d never go to just the ceremony. Very odd.

DecomposingComposers · 10/07/2019 14:45

There is no way she's going to get to London in time for a show. Does she even plan on staying for the meal? I think I would ask her directly if she wants to stay for the meal because I'd be really annoyed if I had paid for someone and they didn't even sit down.

I'd really think about letting the friendship slide after this too. That's not very nice from her at all

modgepodge · 10/07/2019 14:46

(I mean people saying that on other threads about weddings, tbf no one’s said it on here yet)

AnotherEmma · 10/07/2019 14:46

Ok well based on your latest update, could you casually ask her what show she is going to see? Then you could find out what time it starts and work out realistically what time she and her plus one will have to leave. It seems likely they will miss most of the meal, in which case it would be entirely reasonable for you to cancel their meals so you're not £150 out of pocket for no reason.

flissfloss65 · 10/07/2019 14:47

I’d double check her timings. If she’s going to a show she won’t make it leaving that late. If she leaves earlier you can then cancel her meal as it won’t be required.

WhosThere · 10/07/2019 14:49

YANBU but if you've been friends for many years I wouldn't lose a friendship over it. She may have miscalculated her times.

Guardsman18 · 10/07/2019 14:49

I would ask her first about how that will work re timing. I'm laid back (too much sometimes!) but I would have to say don't bother if it's an inconvenience for you. Sorry but that's shitty behaviour x

DecomposingComposers · 10/07/2019 14:50

She has a plus one as well and their two meals are £150

No way would I not say anything. Why should you have to pay for meals that she possibly has no intention of being there for?

I would send her Matilda's message.

fruitbrewhaha · 10/07/2019 14:51

WTF. I think I would ensure the food was out late.

She'll never get to a show in time. A train from outside the M25 into town is going to be at least 45 mins, she's got to get to the station, then from the mainline station in London to the theatre, even if she's seeing wicked at the apollo it still takes 15 mins. She'll never be sitting in her seat for a 7:30 start.

I think I'd tell her not to bother coming.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/07/2019 14:51

This is a bit odd, and rude. If she couldn't afford to stay over, for instance, it would be fair enough of her to decline the evening part of the wedding, but telling you she's going to plan to leave, having accepted the invite? I wouldn't like it either, though I'd probably go with the PP suggestion of being kind and a bit obtuse - 'Oh no, friend, we're not eating till 5.30, you'll never make it to a show, come down and see one another time, maybe we could all go.'

GrimDamnFanjo · 10/07/2019 14:51

As others have said, let her know you need to cancel her meal.
There is no way at all she will make a 1930 show. From most London train stations it will be 30 minutes to get out, tube or taxi, get into the venue etc.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 10/07/2019 14:52

I didn't have an evening do when I got married because they are as far removed from fun as I could possibly imagine and the vast majority of my guests would have felt the same (DH's family who I know don't enjoy these things). I had a couple of people leave straight after the wedding breakfast and I couldn't have cared less - I was in a happy blur that day so my focus was elsewhere.

In your shoes I'd be pleased she was making an effort to travel and would only be concerned about clarifying with her about the meal timings.

Xyzzzzz · 10/07/2019 14:53

Wow! YANBU I could understand if she’d had them pre booked and they were very expensive tickets etc etc etc. But she’s not and will go midway through the meal! How odd.

GrimDamnFanjo · 10/07/2019 14:53

Meant to add

It's up to her if she wants to go to the show but it's unreasonable to expect you to waste £150 when she looks at her watch and realises she's got to leave before the meal!

Wrongdissection · 10/07/2019 14:54

I’d just reply saying ‘eh?! Are you not staying for the evening do?!!’

Curiousdad18 · 10/07/2019 14:54

@allthewaytorenooo

I can beat this. A friend of my wife's was invited to our wedding. They wanted to fly from England to where we live, stay with us, get a lift to the venue and then leave straight after the actual ceremony to fly off to Europe for the weekend.

They asked us to help them out in booking all the flights and suggesting where to stay, itinerary for Europe trip as we'd been where they wanted to go a lot. I was beyond stunned.

Another was invited to evening do and asked what time the bus left to get to the venue. Not the public bus - they expected us to have hired a bus just for them.

I'm not a fan of my wife's 'friends' :)

FelixFelicis6 · 10/07/2019 14:54

Yes definitely let her know you'll have to cancel their meals as there's no way they'll make it for a 7:30 show when the meal doesn't start until 5:30!

And don't you bloody DARE worry if you're not running to time on the day because of her stupid show (if she still comes as planned). It's your day and if she misses anything that's her own fault! Jeez the cheek of some people!

Cheeseandwin5 · 10/07/2019 14:58

YANBU.

The wedding is your special day, not few hours. I am really surprised she has responded like this and hope it was a thoughtless comment rather than anything else.
I am not sure what you can do about it though, so I would just forget about it and enjoy what I hope will be a fantastic day.