To want my non-local friend to stay for the evening at my wedding?

[allthewaytorenooo]

Actual geographical locations changed but distances roughly correct.

I'm not a bridezilla but genuinely feeling hurt by this from one of my oldest and closest friends so asking if AIBU as I'd honestly like to feel better about it!

Friend lives in Wales, I live in Buckinghamshire and am getting married in Sussex, where my family all live.

Friend is invited to the whole wedding, has RSVPd she's coming. Wedding is at 3, food around 5.30.

She's just emailed me to confirm times etc re: eating and has responded "great, I'm going to see a show in London that evening so good we'll have finished eating by 7."

So it turns out she's going to travel to my wedding, and yes I know the important bit is the ceremony...then she's going to leave right after the speeches to go and see a show in London as it's convenent for her having tavelled all that way across.

I just, well, I just thought she'd come to the whole thing and it has hurt me that she doesn't want to be there for it. I know weddings are boring etc but we have lots of mutual friends and she's basically missing the fun party bit.

Is this normal? She didn't already have tickets for something, she's literally going to book them as it's convenient.

My DH’s weird auntie did this and it seriously pissed me off so I’ve no idea how angry I’d be if it was a close mate!
His auntie travelled 100 miles with rest of his family, so obviously Invited to whole day then starts annoying me closer to the date asking qs about what time dinner would be finished, what time specific time was this and that etc etc because she was meeting a mate she went to uni with 30year before! (basically had reunited on Facebook and decided her nephews wedding was a great chance to meet up!)
So she basically had free welcome drinks, a free 5 course meal with drinks and then pissed off to meet someone she hadn’t met in 3 decades!
Oh and then came back to stay in the hotel because we had paid for rooms!
And no, we didn’t get a gift!!!

It is a bit weird but you can't make someone stay somewhere if they don't want to, maybe she has a problem with some mutuals but just doesn't want to say it to you? She'll be there to see you get married which is the main thing.

Oh OP. That’s shitty of her.

How interested are you in preserving this friendship longer term?

I haven't read all the threads, but it's going to cost a fortune for that train journey. She'll be there for the important part, & then make the most of her expensive trip.

“You won’t have time to get to London if you stay for anything after the service, it’s great that I know this in advance though, so I know not to put you on a table. You’ll have a great time seeing a show I’m sure”

What a cow. I can kind of understand it - but for gods sake, she could stay somewhere and go to a show the following day!!!

“Oh ok - I won’t put you on a table then or you won’t have time to get to London. Have a great time”

What a cow. I can see both sides, but she could stay somewhere after the wedding and do her show the following day, surely??!

I would do what Trudij123 says....give her table place to someone else or just save the money

If she hasn't actually booked anything yet, surely she could stay over somewhere and do a show the next night?

"gowgow Thu 11-Jul-19 19:16:57
I haven't read all the threads, but it's going to cost a fortune for that train journey. She'll be there for the important part, & then make the most of her expensive trip.""

My wedding is months and months away, on a Saturday, arriving for a ceremony at 3PM. It won't 'cost a fortune' travelling if booked well in in advance and off peak.

£27.50 for the return trip actually gowgow. I appreciate that might be an 'expensive trip' for you but it really isn't for anyone I know.

I had friends do this on my wedding day. Left before we even sat down to eat. That was the last time I saw them.

I would say to her that as much as you would like her to be at your wedding, you don't think she'll have time to enjoy the wedding meal and get to the show. Tell her you won't be offended if she declines the wedding invitation - even tho you are - but I would be pissed off seeing someone leave before finishing a meal. Last thing you need on your wedding day

Problem is that once someone gets up and leaves, that sets the tone. Everyone else starts to think that's their cue to go

Is it her dp who is the problem?

My dh would be thick and suggest something like this....maybe...

Weddings bring out the weirdness in people

Your friend is there for the ceremony- that's the important part , the evening part can be hard work to lots of people, if you give plenty of notice that you are not staying and therefore no expenses are made unnecessarily I think it's fine not to do the party bit.

Hi op, as others have said, I would definitely cancel their meal, her behaviour is hurtful and you don’t want to see people leaving straight after the meal or part way through, you aren’t running a free restaurant, people should be there to spend the day with you.

However, I would also consider if you want her there at all. Would seeing her at the ceremony remind you of all this and how she is not staying, causing you hurt on your big day. If that might be the case I think you should contact her.explaining that you have been very hurt by her actions, that she obviously doesn’t value your friendship like you did and as you have found the whole thing so upsetting, it’d best if she didn’t come as it’s obviously not her thing.

(It could be that she’s just one of life’s takers and her actions are not a reflection of her not valuing her friendship with you but that she would behave like this towards anyone, thinking of herself and disregarding peoples feelings.

Your wedding is one day in your whole life .....

Extremely rude. I would find out what time they are planning on leaving, and cancel their meals if they don't have time to eat, or would have to leave half way through.

I’d be hurt in your position OP. That blows

If she hasn't actually booked anything yet, surely she could stay over somewhere and do a show the next night?

I suspect they're working Friday and Monday so need to travel Saturday and Sunday, meaning Saturday night is their only window.

I wouldn't be happy to pay for meals for people who will be rushing off. I'd be advising her to enjoy the whole day in London, personally.

When I first read this title I assumed that she would be leaving early to get home and I didn’t see that as unreasonable depending on the distance/commitments she has... but to leave early to go to a show? That’s rude. I have a 4D scan tomorrow and will have to miss a close friends christening party (will be at the actual christening) but I’m waiting until the last minute, have bought gifts and apologised profusely... and that’s just a a christening! The fact that she just outrightly said it to you just shows that she obviously doesn’t feel this is important, but she’s being shitty and I’m sorry! Have a lovely wedding though :) congratulations!

Hey oh that’s a shame, the wedding breakfast may not be on time as you know how weddings are. If you’d rather go to London instead then I totally understand and I’ll give your place at the wedding breakfast to someone on my reserve list... enjoy your show!

Does she understand there's a party after the food and it doesn't end then? Because from the original post of what she said, it sounds like she thinks it ends when the eating ends... it also sounds like she simply hasn't looked up train times and was just going to leave half an hour before the show starts.

Quite honestly I'd leave her to it, it's not your lookout. I'd send a simple text asking if she definitely will be coming to the meal with her plus one. If so, just leave it as it is. The rest is for her to sort out. I'd definitely say you do realise there's a party and other stuff afterwards though.