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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my non-local friend to stay for the evening at my wedding?

249 replies

allthewaytorenooo · 10/07/2019 14:08

Actual geographical locations changed but distances roughly correct.

I'm not a bridezilla but genuinely feeling hurt by this from one of my oldest and closest friends so asking if AIBU as I'd honestly like to feel better about it!

Friend lives in Wales, I live in Buckinghamshire and am getting married in Sussex, where my family all live.

Friend is invited to the whole wedding, has RSVPd she's coming. Wedding is at 3, food around 5.30.

She's just emailed me to confirm times etc re: eating and has responded "great, I'm going to see a show in London that evening so good we'll have finished eating by 7."

So it turns out she's going to travel to my wedding, and yes I know the important bit is the ceremony...then she's going to leave right after the speeches to go and see a show in London as it's convenent for her having tavelled all that way across.

I just, well, I just thought she'd come to the whole thing and it has hurt me that she doesn't want to be there for it. I know weddings are boring etc but we have lots of mutual friends and she's basically missing the fun party bit.

Is this normal? She didn't already have tickets for something, she's literally going to book them as it's convenient.

OP posts:
Original poster
allthewaytorenooo · 10/07/2019 20:58

Ok, she's sent me a follow up email...

She booked these tickets for her plus one's birthday (which is in the future so hasn't yet been given as a gift, if that makes sense but I totally appreciate that she stands to lose money here).

However, her solution is not trying to shift on the tickets and book for the night before, instead she is telling me (direct quote)

"However, all is not lost as its booked for 8pm in XX and the train only takes half an hour from XX so we will be able to do both and still spend a bit of time after the ceremony toasting your health!"

OP posts:
BananaSpanner · 10/07/2019 20:59

You’re trying too hard for this woman to come to your wedding.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 10/07/2019 21:02

Did you get the impression that she wants to go to your wedding? She doesn't sound keen to put much effort into being able to go - unless during the phone call she claimed that she already tried to get the theatre to swap for the previous night, tried to sell them on etc herself. I'd wonder if she hoped to do both things on one day to keep accommodation costs down.

Original poster
allthewaytorenooo · 10/07/2019 21:02

She cant get through to the booking right now disfordarkchoocolate but has read the ticket Ts and Cs and responded as above (that they will do both).

OP posts:
Original poster
allthewaytorenooo · 10/07/2019 21:03

". I'd wonder if she hoped to do both things on one day to keep accommodation costs down."

She's staying with family, so I don't think it's that.

I guess she just doesn't want to be there. Fair enough.

OP posts:
amiapropermum · 10/07/2019 21:04

"A bit of time after the ceremony" sounds like they won't be around for food so I'd probably reply and reiterate your offer re the tickets and add something like, "We'd love to have you there for the celebration but it sounds like you're going to under a lot of time pressure. I won't count you in for food as I don't think you'll be around but perhaps it might be simpler to not attend the wedding as it will be a very rushed day on you otherwise and we might not get the chance to catch up on the day."

JoyceDivision · 10/07/2019 21:04

Just say that's fine but you believe meals will be late as planning likely to over run so you'd love to see them but at cost per head you're cancelling theireals as, line her tickets, it's a large amount of money.

Yawninfinitum · 10/07/2019 21:05

I think you are incredibly generous.

Tbh in your shoes I’ll let her go and be done with it- I’d also ask if she wants her meal cancelled.

It would leave a sour taste now if she lets you go to that trouble with the tickets and it would feel like she had stayed under duress.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 10/07/2019 21:06

Whatever her motivation is, you may as well cancel their meals and rethink your table plans now.

NavyBerry · 10/07/2019 21:06

She may as well not come...

Andylion · 10/07/2019 21:07

Tbh in your shoes I’ll let her go and be done with it- I’d also ask if she wants her meal cancelled.

I wouldn't ask her if she wants the meal cancelled. You have to take the initiative and cancel it. Don't give her the choice as she is being unrealistic about trains etc.

Cautionsharpblade · 10/07/2019 21:10

I agree with @amiapropermum, it sounds like she’s planning to leave before the meal. I’d cancel her two meals and just have her at the ceremony as it’s on her way to the theatre...

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 10/07/2019 21:11

Is integrating that your friend doesn't want to lose the cost of the tickets, but isn't really concerned about you potentially wasting a similar amount of money on uneaten meals. To be honest, the empty spaces on the tables aren't nice either. You'd just be reminded of her absence.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 10/07/2019 21:12

it's interesting

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 10/07/2019 21:13

Do you have friends in common that could call her and tell her she’s being a plonker.

NoSquirrels · 10/07/2019 21:16

Well, that’s up to her but yes, I’d be very hurt in your position. She’s putting one of her oldest friends wedding below an as-yet-ungiven birthday gift for her boyfriend.

Do tell her you’ll not book them a meal as it would be stressful all round if the timings didn’t quite work. And then hold very firm to that.

Original poster
allthewaytorenooo · 10/07/2019 21:18

I don't really have anyone who could call her and put themselves in the middle, if that makes sense...

I would rather leave it as it is now. I know I am being oversensitive because my awful family have shredded us over every last wedding plan and I just wanted it to be straightforward with my friends - which for everyone else it is.

It's fine, she obviously doesn't want to be there all day and it's an invitation not a demand. There's time to replace her, I guess, if that's what she wants (which it seems to be).

OP posts:
drinkygin · 10/07/2019 21:23

Sorry OP but you’re being wayyy too accommodating with this so called “friend”. I’d tell her to shove it and I certainly wouldn’t be offering to pay for any bloody tickets!!!

SnuggyBuggy · 10/07/2019 21:24

What a load of fuss when she could just decline

JoyceDivision · 10/07/2019 21:25

I hope she recognises herself on this thread and realises how much effort you've put in for what she could easily resolve.

Are you sure she booked thi tickets before your birthday?

The fact she declined your offer to purchase tickets for another night makes me think your wedding never was her priority.

greenwaterbottle · 10/07/2019 21:25

Give it a few day and say the venue have been in touch to clarify plans, so you checked what time we would be finished for her. And sadly you wouldn't make your show so I've cancelled your meals so you'll definitely make your show.

Xyzzzzz · 10/07/2019 21:27

I agree with @greenwaterbottle that way you don’t have to waste money on their meals

Original poster
allthewaytorenooo · 10/07/2019 21:29

This is a massive dripfeed, I know, but her plus-one is her female housemate she had a (then) civil partnership with to save her from being deported back to her home country.

So I'm wondering if she maybe thinks my (actual, love-based wedding) is the same as her...functional and weirdly altruistic (although probably illegal?) wedding?

OP posts:
Original poster
allthewaytorenooo · 10/07/2019 21:30

I've totally outed myself now, but she has no reason that I know of to be on MN.

And the locations were:

She lives in Sussex, I live in Bucks, wedding is in Wales and she wanted to back in Bristol for the show at 8PM after a 3PM ceremony in Cardiff Bay.

Fuck it. It's out now.

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 10/07/2019 21:30

Oh that is so shitty of her!

Just tell her "ok, no worries, I'll take you off the meal list, and we can just wave bye after the ceremony". She's already implied she won't be there for the meal with her comment about toasting you after the ceremony. You don't need to make it a thing, just act like it's perfectly obvious she won't be at the meal (which she won't).

I hope the show is terrible and she's sat behind a pillar too!

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