Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my non-local friend to stay for the evening at my wedding?

249 replies

allthewaytorenooo · 10/07/2019 14:08

Actual geographical locations changed but distances roughly correct.

I'm not a bridezilla but genuinely feeling hurt by this from one of my oldest and closest friends so asking if AIBU as I'd honestly like to feel better about it!

Friend lives in Wales, I live in Buckinghamshire and am getting married in Sussex, where my family all live.

Friend is invited to the whole wedding, has RSVPd she's coming. Wedding is at 3, food around 5.30.

She's just emailed me to confirm times etc re: eating and has responded "great, I'm going to see a show in London that evening so good we'll have finished eating by 7."

So it turns out she's going to travel to my wedding, and yes I know the important bit is the ceremony...then she's going to leave right after the speeches to go and see a show in London as it's convenent for her having tavelled all that way across.

I just, well, I just thought she'd come to the whole thing and it has hurt me that she doesn't want to be there for it. I know weddings are boring etc but we have lots of mutual friends and she's basically missing the fun party bit.

Is this normal? She didn't already have tickets for something, she's literally going to book them as it's convenient.

OP posts:
Lweji · 10/07/2019 16:35

How often does she go near London?
How often do you see each other?
Is it a much loved show she'd not have another decent opportunity to watch?

She'll have a long trip from Wales, then a long trip return the next day. It may have not been convenient at all for her to attend the show and go back.

Depending on the answers to the above questions, I'd want to be generous and just ask if she really will have time for the meal. 1.5 h for a wedding meal seems very short to me.

Brakebackcyclebot · 10/07/2019 16:35

Wow. That's very rude. I'd be rethinking the friendship.

Or I'd reply something like, "Seriously? You aren't going to stay for the party?" and see what she says.

Brakebackcyclebot · 10/07/2019 16:37

Wales to Sussex is not that far! It's not the Outer Hebrides! There are even cities in Wales, with theatres that have shows.

AnotherEmma · 10/07/2019 16:38

Itwouldtake is right. A phone call is the best way to address this. I think you should call her and say you just wanted to clarify timings. Ask what show she is going to. Discuss timings and whether or not she can actually be there for the meal. Tell her you're disappointed she won't be there the whole time. If she reacts badly, so be it, but at least you'll have told her how you feel - and it's more likely to go smoothly if you do it over the phone (with careful tone and wording) than by email.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/07/2019 16:40

I'd definitely try and cancel the food. Maybe they are planning to shove it in lunchboxes for the train or something

Lweji · 10/07/2019 16:44

It's at least a 3 hour drive, depending on locations (from Cardiff).
Four hours to return from London,

Even for a show on a Sunday that ended at 5pm, I wouldn't want to drive all the way back to Wales from London.

It's not exactly around the corner.

msmith501 · 10/07/2019 16:46

This is all being over thinker IMHO

msmith501 · 10/07/2019 16:46

Thinked*

jackernanna · 10/07/2019 16:52

Thought Grin

cordiality · 10/07/2019 17:03

I reckon there's something else going on here. Would she perhaps have expected to be a bridesmaid OP? Is she punishing you for hurt feelings for something? This is the sort of thing passive aggressive thing that people do when they're VERY cross about something... could that be possible?!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/07/2019 17:41

Hi OP

Has she ever been to a wedding before? Just on the off chance she thinks it finishes after the meal?

If so I think I'd reply saying the vene have said the timings are just an approximate guide and they cant guarantee sticking to them. If she is going to miss the party and cant guarantee staying for the meal then maybe you should cancel her food

Sashkin · 10/07/2019 17:43

Let's hope her trains have trouble (as they do) on that day - they're not guaranteed to be reliable in Sussex - engineering works at weekends etc

Oh yes, if there are replacement buses from Three Bridges she could leave at 3pm and she still wouldn’t be in London in time! It’s taken my DM four hours from Lewes to Victoria before now. Finger crossed, OP! GrinGrinGrin

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/07/2019 17:47

The ceremony is the most important part and how much of the evening would you actually spend with her in reality? I think it’s fine, she is coming for the most important but, everything else is just an optional extra.

HJWT · 10/07/2019 17:53

Id tell her not to bother... why pay for someones meal etc if they are going to leave straight after

Apolloanddaphne · 10/07/2019 17:59

Unless your reception is on. A venue right next to the theatre she isn't going to be eating a meal then making a show. Message her BACK and say that if she is going to a show she will need to leave right after the ceremony so you will be cancelling her meal. See what she says.

CoraPirbright · 10/07/2019 18:00

I would reply:
“Oh. You do realise there’s a whole evening party thing, right? Disappointed you are bailing early. However its no problem at all! Given that, even if we stick to timings exactly, you would be seriously pushed to eat at 5.30 in Sussex and make it into central London for your show at 7.30pm, I have cancelled your two meals. Thanks for letting me know ahead of time as I will also need to tweak the evening seating plan”

Then seriously review the friendship.

Weezol · 10/07/2019 18:15

'Thank you for offering to drop in on our wedding on your way to the theatre. The show is oviously incredibly important to you and I'd hate to think you'd miss out on account of my lack of foresight. As such, please don't trouble yourself with the wedding, just go directly to the West End. Don't worry about food, I've cancelled your meals - there's lots of fab places to eat in Theatreland!'

I wouldn't actually send that, but I'd be thinking it, while trying to find a way to rescind the invitation completely - possibly something along the lines of the 'misunderstanding' suggest by PP.

omafiet · 10/07/2019 18:18

I'd be crushed, OP. Although brace yourself for the MN mob who all think that being invited to a wedding is a torturous endeavor and that you should consider yourself lucky that she's even coming to the ceremony...

thenightsky · 10/07/2019 18:22

Wait! I've just realised she thinks she can get from the wedding venue to central London in a mere 30 mins! Hmm Grin

SavingSpaces2019 · 10/07/2019 20:03

She's going to leave after the ceremony OP.
She's just not telling you that - yet.
She'll tell you on the day claiming "i got confused with the timing of everything and HAVE to leave now or will miss it".
I bet bet her plus-one guest is also behind this......

raviolidreaming · 10/07/2019 20:38

SavingSpaces2019 I agree. Or they'll end up not making it at all.

I'd call her out now on the logistics. Or, if you don't want to be accused of being a bridezilla, I'd talk it through with one of your mutual friends and see if they'll suss her out.

Normandy144 · 10/07/2019 20:46

Placemarking for an update! Can't believe her brass neck!

StripeySocks29 · 10/07/2019 20:49

Personally I think the ceremony is the boring bit you have to get out of the way so you can have the food and the party.

Very weird behaviour by your friend, I’d have been hurt too.

Original poster
allthewaytorenooo · 10/07/2019 20:52

Right, this is probably a disappointing update!

I called to discuss it rather than email as suggested here. She says these are tickets she booked prior to the wedding for her and her plus one to see a show before I told her I told my wedding date and has only just realised the clash.

She says they are non refundable and the show starts at 8. She think there is a 30 min train ; there isn't - the wedding is not in a town centre but on a branch line so would take her 90 mins on a train not 30.

I've googled it and the show is on the night before, so I've suggested she buy tickets for the night before and I'll buy her tickets off her and get rid of them myself.

She's thinking about it.

I feel relieved to a certain extent but also hurt because I would just have sold the tickets on and never even told her about it if the roles had been reversed. But she hasn't totally bailed yet...

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 10/07/2019 20:54

Has she asked the theatre is she can swop days?