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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my non-local friend to stay for the evening at my wedding?

249 replies

allthewaytorenooo · 10/07/2019 14:08

Actual geographical locations changed but distances roughly correct.

I'm not a bridezilla but genuinely feeling hurt by this from one of my oldest and closest friends so asking if AIBU as I'd honestly like to feel better about it!

Friend lives in Wales, I live in Buckinghamshire and am getting married in Sussex, where my family all live.

Friend is invited to the whole wedding, has RSVPd she's coming. Wedding is at 3, food around 5.30.

She's just emailed me to confirm times etc re: eating and has responded "great, I'm going to see a show in London that evening so good we'll have finished eating by 7."

So it turns out she's going to travel to my wedding, and yes I know the important bit is the ceremony...then she's going to leave right after the speeches to go and see a show in London as it's convenent for her having tavelled all that way across.

I just, well, I just thought she'd come to the whole thing and it has hurt me that she doesn't want to be there for it. I know weddings are boring etc but we have lots of mutual friends and she's basically missing the fun party bit.

Is this normal? She didn't already have tickets for something, she's literally going to book them as it's convenient.

OP posts:
AlunWynsKnee · 10/07/2019 15:36

Strange behaviour. I think I'd do a combination of the "Eh? Aren't you staying for the party?" and something saying, she'll never manage dinner and the show so you're going to cancel the food. Suggest a McDonald's on the route...

pallisers · 10/07/2019 15:40

I’d reply “oh ok, if you’re going to make it to a show in London you’ll need to leave straight after the ceremony, so I’ve cancelled your meal. Have fun!” And I wouldn’t rebook it, regardless of how much she backtracks. I’d “misunderstand” and keep insisting I’d feel terrible if she missed her show on my account and she should definitely aim to be back at the station before 5pm.

I'd send this reply. Honestly don't pay 150 for two meals that won't be eaten.

thenightsky · 10/07/2019 15:40

Does she perhaps not understand travelling in the south east and around London can take hours? I'm from the North East and the first time I went to visit a relative in Sussex I assumed that once we got to London we were nearly there. Sussex and London look close on a map.

LauderSyme · 10/07/2019 15:41

Your friend is incredibly rude! It is very far from "convenient", wtf?!

I think she is massively underestimating the logistics and timescales of the whole thing. But more importantly, celebrating the marriage of one of your "oldest and closest friends" is an all day event and is worth travelling for hours and back for itself alone, without trying to cram in another activity in some misguided attempt to get your money's worth.

I would tell her that you are worried she will find it super stressful having to gobble down the meal and rush off, that you really can't guarantee timings anyway which is bothering you on her behalf and that it would be a shame for what must be a lovely dinner (at £75 per head!!) not to be properly savoured, so you have reluctantly had to cancel the meal for her and her +1.

Try not to let it take the shine off your day OP, she has revealed that she is really not such a significant figure in your life after all.

BeanBag7 · 10/07/2019 15:42

I agree with @Sashkin saying
"oh ok, if you’re going to make it to a show in London you’ll need to leave straight after the ceremony, so I’ve cancelled your meal. Have fun!”

If the show starts at 7 she will need to leave a lot earlier than 5.30. Taking into account the journey time, finding somewhere to park/allowing for train delays, walking to the theater, finding seats and you would want to be seated 10 mins before the show starts. She will probably be leaving at 4 to get there on time.

TheCatThatDanced · 10/07/2019 15:44

That's really odd. I'd be questioning the friendship and calling her out on it. Surely she could stay overnight and do a matinee or evening performance the following day if she was that bothered about the show.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 10/07/2019 15:45

that's a very bizarre behaviour.

I know many wedding in England tend to have an afternoon meal which finishes awfully early, but everybody expects a party to follow - even if they seem to finish at midnight according to many posters on MN.

Leaving to go to another event is just rude.

It would have been 100% different if she had said that they already had plans and had accepted another invitation, so would have to leave at a certain time.

TheCatThatDanced · 10/07/2019 15:45

Let's hope her trains have trouble (as they do) on that day - they're not guaranteed to be reliable in Sussex - engineering works at weekends etc... Grin

Morgan12 · 10/07/2019 15:46

I would 100% be cancelling her meal. She is the ultimate CF.

AtillatheHun · 10/07/2019 15:47

I often read these and think it's someone who is desperate to attend but is also desperately trying to hide / accommodate some kind of personal crisis that makes it difficult for them to be there or to be around alcohol etc etc. It's too bizarre otherwise.

IrishGal21 · 10/07/2019 15:56

CF Save ur money or spend on someone deserving message hru r dissapointed

RedSkyLastNight · 10/07/2019 15:56

Late night comedy show? They don't start till 10 or 11.

I must have different family and friends to the rest of you because the majority of weddings I've been to, lots of people left after the meal and there wasn't any particular evening party (maybe some guests hang out in the bar)

verticality · 10/07/2019 15:57

Wow, no this is not normal! I mean, I get it if someone has childcare or needs to get back for financial reasons (e.g. can't afford to stay the night), but this is just a bit weird.

My sister left my wedding straight after to Make a Point - it is hurtful, but don't let it ruin your day.

BluebellCockleshell123 · 10/07/2019 15:58

Has she not been to many weddings before?

I'd send a message along the lines of:

Oh that's a shame...I'd love it if you could be there for the whole shebang (ceremony, meal and evening party). I understand if you have something else pre-arranged that can't be changed though, so if you are going to a show then please let me know so I can cancel your dinner place settings. There wouldn't be enough time for the meal before you'd have to leave for a show.

msmith501 · 10/07/2019 15:59

I think it's just convenient but not CFery. It happens to fall on the same date and that's fine. Yes, it would have been nice but I doubt very much that the show was booked after the wedding invite. It's just one of those things. The wedding will go ahead as planned, you'll live happily ever after, you friend will be there for the part that matters and you'll remain friends. Rather than see an issue where one does not exist, ask the question "had she stayed for the entire evening, would the overall total memories of the day be that much better?" - of course not. The day will be super either way. Be happy for yourself and be happy for your friend. You'd have hated it if she didn't attend at all due to a prior arrangement - maybe look at it as doing her best to attend and juggling as best she can? Just a thought.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 10/07/2019 16:02

I must have different family and friends to the rest of you because the majority of weddings I've been to, lots of people left after the meal and there wasn't any particular evening party

Most evenings I went to finish late in the night, my own went on until 6am with breakfast - not everybody stayed through the night, but looking at the photos taken in the evening, no one left early and certainly not straight after diner.

I can't think of one wedding without an evening party. There are not mandatory, but most people around me seem to go for one. Some even have guests invited for the evening only which I found very rude but that's another issue

AnotherEmma · 10/07/2019 16:05

I could sort of understand leaving in the early evening if the wedding started at 12pm (although I would personally want to stay for the whole thing if I could). But this wedding is at 3pm. It just seems ridiculous to go to the trouble of travelling there, organising an outfit, etc, only to leave a few hours later.

MrsWombat · 10/07/2019 16:07

If she had already booked Hamilton tickets before the wedding invitation then YABU. Grin

But definitely what @Sashkin said:
"oh ok, if you’re going to make it to a show in London you’ll need to leave straight after the ceremony, so I’ve cancelled your meal. Have fun!”

I'm guessing you've already sussed out journey times from your venue to the theatre?

TruffleShuffles · 10/07/2019 16:10

I’d double check all her timings OP and if she’s cutting it fine but still insists on carrying on to her show I would suggest to her that she doesn’t sit down to the meal. I would phrase it as if I was doing her a favour by letting her leave earlier to make she’s in London in time as there is no way I would pay for a meal for someone that may not be eaten.

If you have already confined numbers for the meal I would add someone else to the wedding to take her place or I’d scrub her off the numbers.

diddl · 10/07/2019 16:12

" lots of people left after the meal and there wasn't any particular evening party"

We didn't have an evening reception, but people milled about chatting/drinking after the meal.

Certainly no one ate & left immediately or left part way through the meal!

Lweji · 10/07/2019 16:12

At least she's not going back to put her children in bed.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 10/07/2019 16:14

At least she's not going back to put her children in bed.

that would be a valid reason - you don't get out of being a parent.

You can chose to see a show another day!

Lweji · 10/07/2019 16:15

Just a bit of humour. Wink

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 10/07/2019 16:22

Why not just phone her and be honest? If she’s a good friend you can tell her how odd and hurtful you find this and resolve it.

Eliza9919 · 10/07/2019 16:23

She didn't already have tickets for something, she's literally going to book them as it's convenient.

She's a cheeky bitch IMO and i'd be withdrawing my invitation.