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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? about paying for holiday

236 replies

digger2014 · 09/07/2019 14:38

Hi all. I was just wondering if you think I am being unreasonable. My brother and I are thinking of taking our parents away for their 30th wedding anniversary. He and his wife have 2 young children, we don't have any children coming.

My brother and his wife want to split the cost of the cottage 50/50. They will require 2 bedrooms for the four of them whereas we will only require 1. Am I being unreasonable by not wanting to pay half?

OP posts:
HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 10/07/2019 05:06

If it had been the initial cottage you'd picked, I would have been happy to split 50/50 as it's a joint present to your parents.

However now that he wants a significantly more expensive cottage, I think it's reasonable for him to pay for the 'upgrade' to more living space.

I personally think a small cottage is fine for two days for a 6 and 2 year old. More living space has benefits, but is not essential.

wafflyversatile · 10/07/2019 05:13

It's a holiday. You pay for your room. They pay for their rooms. You are treating your parents so you split the cost for that room in half.

If they are happy to share a room with their children you can get a smaller house and split the lot in half.

snitzelvoncrumb · 10/07/2019 05:13

I would just say my budget is ....... And if you want something bigger you need to pay the rest. Another idea is book somewhere with cabins, you each pay for your own and go halves on the cost of your parents.

echt · 10/07/2019 05:14

I don't get why the OP has to subsidise the children. 50:50 on the parents' room, pro rata for the rest.

wafflyversatile · 10/07/2019 05:18

Ok. Just spotted the updates. Your db is being a CF and the 'get mum and dad to pay the difference' is the emotional blackmail cherry on top.

DianaT1969 · 10/07/2019 05:21

If there are going to be 6 adults and 2 children stuck together in a cottage (think possible rainy days and snorers), then a small cottage won't make a good experience or gift for your parents. He's right, you should be getting the largest property you can afford, with space for people to get away for a quiet moment. I'd be thinking 5 bedrooms and lots of living space - a big footprint in these circumstances OP.

LL83 · 10/07/2019 06:24

I would say to DB
"the point of holiday is to treat parents so we will not be asking them to contribute. I willing to pay £400 in total including my share of parents room. So let's look for something in that price range. If th £700 cottage is unsuitable for the girls that is fine but £1100 is too much so we will have to keep looking"

Dieu · 10/07/2019 06:45

I am cringing. Just pay the 50% as it's a joint present to your parents.

LL83 · 10/07/2019 06:48

@dieu OP found a 4 bed cottage for £700 db wants to pay £1100.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 10/07/2019 06:51

I was initially going to say you should pay 50/50 as it's a gift for your parents but your DB's demands have really turned it into a subsidised holiday for him and his children.

The children wouldn't be 'cooped up' in a hotel if their parents planned activities and took them out to burn off energy. It sounds like he wants a big open plan house so he can put his feet up while the kids run around (possibly supervised by you and the GP).

And why the eff is the dog a necessary guest? Most people manage to holiday without their dog.

You proposed suitable accomodation and offered to pay half. If he wants to make specific demands and have upgrades that really only his family wants then he should pay the difference.

I'd be pulling out of the trip by now. Just tell him it's a shame you haven't found something that suits everyone's requirements and budget and that you will be doing your own thing instead.

Isatis · 10/07/2019 06:55

so you pay 1/3rd and bro pays 2/3rds? that effectively means he is paying to take your parents away and you get a cheap holiday

But that would be perfectly fair. It is OP's brother who is trying to get a holiday for his family subsidised extensively by OP.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 10/07/2019 06:57

And it's only 3 days?!?!? He is being fucking ridiculous. Of course his daughters will manage without an open plan living room for 3 days. He does realise that some children manage to cope their entire childhoods without open plan living?

Good grief.

Give him a firm no to this stupid plan and leave it with him if he wants to look for an alternative that suits everyone. If this was my DB I'd only be wanting a holiday with separate accomodation.

mummmy2017 · 10/07/2019 06:59

Do not go...
Back out...
Your brother has only just started on the demands.
A bored do in a house it does not know will do damage...
Use the dog as the excuse but stop this nightmare before it begins.
Your brother will want to split any bill , or ask mum and dad to pay ...
Far cheaper to pay for your parents to have a weekend break, off you.

ThanosSavedMe · 10/07/2019 07:00

At first I agreed with the 50/50 split but hearing more about your brothers demands I think he needs to stump up more

nettie434 · 10/07/2019 07:07

I’m another person who started out thinking it should be 50:50 but changed my mind after reading your updates. As another poster said, eating out/food shopping could also end up making you feel as if you are making an unfair contribution.

I’d go for a day out. Failing that find a dog friendly hotel and pay equal amounts for your parents room and pay for your room separately.

NameChangeNugget · 10/07/2019 07:10

No way should you be supporting his kids by stealth. Total pisstake

constantlyseekinghappiness · 10/07/2019 07:15

@NeckPainChairSearch are you the OPs brother here Hmm

I’m sure the grandparents can see their grandchildren without the OP subsiding her brother’s holiday requirements to do so.

I cannot understand why PP are suggesting the OP just pay to keep the peace. Why is the brother being allowed to act like a CF and the OP the unreasonable one because she doesn’t want to pay £00s more to accommodate him and his family.

And his attitude to let the parents pay the extra!!!!! Guilt tripping OP to make her pay with the threat of her parents having to cough up.

I wouldn’t be going OP. Take your parents away on your own. Brother can do his own thing and pay for it himself.

rookiemere · 10/07/2019 07:25

2 young DCs and a dog. Of course they need space, but you shouldn't be paying the extra amount for it. You've both stated your maximum contribution so at this point I'd focus on finding suitable accommodation within that price bracket. If that's not possible then suggest that you do separate things with your DPs.

Swoopinggulls · 10/07/2019 07:34

It's just for a few days! I'd imagined a week which is why I thought the more spacious and expensive cottage was better.

Definitely cancel the joint trip and do something separately. if you go ahead it will be so full of tension that it won't be enjoyable for anyone, and you will feel the resentment for a long time, both because of the money and the fact that the anniversary celebration wasn't to the forefront of your brother's plans.

NeatFreakMama · 10/07/2019 07:41

YABU it's a gift so 50/ 50 is fair.

tabbiemoo · 10/07/2019 08:09

Your brother sounds like a nightmare. I think you’re being more than reasonable going 50:50 on a 4 bed house.

If he wants a more expensive house with even more space for his kids then he should pay for it. He should not be expecting you or your parents to pay for it.

If I were you I would make this very clear to him and if he wasn’t happy I would pull out and arrange your own treat for your parents. For £400 you could do something really nice like a theatre night out in London.

rookiemere · 10/07/2019 08:20

Actually rereading I'd be loath to go somewhere with DCs that need an open plan living room so they can run around inside Confused surely they would do their running around outside - sounds like your DB isn't planning to do much active parenting during the weekend.

Do your DPs know about this trip? If they do and are looking forward to it, then it's worth trying to iron out a compromise, if not then bail out now. You know you'll be paying for their DCs meals - in all previous threads people say it's wrong to make people with DCs pay extra - and your DB seems just the type to be ordering the wagyu steak and merlot.

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 10/07/2019 08:27

Personally I'd tell your dB to sod off and say you'll pay 50/50 for your parents to have a nice night or two away by themselves over their anniversary and then a little family get together/meal after

greatvengeanceandfuriousanger · 10/07/2019 08:39

I'd back out too your dB is a CF.

I agree with puzzled suggestion half of the cheaper accomodation or 1/3 plus 50% of your DPs room for your DBs more expensive choice.

No need to cringe, your dB is being very cheeky. My siblings children are grown up, I don't expect them to subsidise my DC.

mrsbyers · 10/07/2019 08:52

50-50 , the extra guests are your niece / nephews not strangers

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