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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? about paying for holiday

236 replies

digger2014 · 09/07/2019 14:38

Hi all. I was just wondering if you think I am being unreasonable. My brother and I are thinking of taking our parents away for their 30th wedding anniversary. He and his wife have 2 young children, we don't have any children coming.

My brother and his wife want to split the cost of the cottage 50/50. They will require 2 bedrooms for the four of them whereas we will only require 1. Am I being unreasonable by not wanting to pay half?

OP posts:

Myheartbelongsto · 09/07/2019 19:19

it's a joint gift so 50/50

DitheringBlidiot · 09/07/2019 19:23

Depends. Is the only reason you need 3 beds because the lids are coming? If so, you should all pay per room and then split your parents room 50/50. If you were going to get a 3 bed anyway I’d just split it

Bourbonbiccy · 09/07/2019 19:58

I see what you mean though OP.
As my brother and I take my father out, he says lets split the bill. But he brings his partner so effectively he is paying for himself and partner, and I am paying for myself and my father.

So in your scenario are you saying you should pay per room, as he is paying for his room and his kids room and you are paying for yourself and your parents room ?

JustTwoMoreSecs · 09/07/2019 20:01

Split the cost but the bigger bedrooms are for your parents and you?

Archie1411 · 09/07/2019 20:03

It's a gift for your parents - 50:50

Bourbonbiccy · 09/07/2019 20:04

Sorry yeah, just seen he wants an upgrade and then go halves. To be fair I probably would just tell him straight, if he wants the bigger cottage fir his kids, he pays the premium for it.

Please, please please get the bill at dinner scenario sorted before you get there. There will be nothing worse and mire embarrassing than discussing it over the dinner table, after dinner 😳😳😳😳

Aragog · 09/07/2019 20:07

How much extra is a 4 bed than a 3 bed property?

NewPapaGuinea · 09/07/2019 20:31

In this scenario I’d probably go 50/50. Also depends on how much extra it’ll cost you.

Original poster

digger2014 · 09/07/2019 22:05

Hi everyone. Thanks for all of your comments. I really appreciate them, even the ones saying I'm a penny pinching scrooge!

I have now sugguested to my brother that we are willing to pay £400 for us plus half of parents accommodation. He has said that he's happy to pay £400 each and then whatever we want to contribute to our parents room. If theres a shortfall then he said my parents can pay the rest!!! I don't want to ask them to pay. I feel he's making me out to be the bad guy. I'm more than willing to go halves on a reasonably priced place.

Just to put this in perspective...we are going for 3 nights. I thought my £600 cottage was reasonable for 3 nights. I do not feel that his sugguestions of £1100 are reasonable!

I'm really losing patience with this now. I'm increasing feeling like I don't want to go.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 09/07/2019 22:09

How about a hotel easier split and facilities (as I suspect the self catering nature of a cottage could also cause issues)

Justmuddlingalong · 09/07/2019 22:15

Tell him you'll organise a treat for your parents yourself. That way he can book wherever he wants and have the joy of paying the whole bloody lot.

Drum2018 · 09/07/2019 22:15

For heavens sake tell him to shove it altogether and just forget about it. He's being extremely difficult. He cannot expect your parents to pay towards their bloody gift. What a twat. I think you should just get them a hotel voucher from yourself and let your brother get his own gift for them. I wouldn't want to spend the weekend with him, as he'll have you paying for everyone's food at this rate.

Original poster

digger2014 · 09/07/2019 22:17

Quartz...my brother also has a dog so a hotel may be more difficult. He's also said the children would feel cooped up in a hotel. I assumed we would go out! The kids are 6 and 2. I'm not sure why this entire trip seems to be revolving around them and not our parents

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/07/2019 22:21

he's happy to pay £400 each and then whatever we want to contribute to our parents room. If there's a shortfall then he said my parents can pay the rest!!!

He's not exactly being very pleasant about this is he - especially when you'd already found a nice, affordable place for what is after all just a few nights

I agree with the PP about simply telling him you'll organise your own treat for your DPs ...

theworldistoosmall · 09/07/2019 22:32

So he does basically want you to sub him a short getaway in the disguise of a present to your parents.
Sod that. Forget it and get your parents something from you. He wants a break he will have to sort it out himself.

NeckPainChairSearch · 09/07/2019 23:22

I'm not sure why this entire trip seems to be revolving around them and not our parents

I assume it will make your parents happy to see their grandchildren and share some lovely family time? And at 2 and 6, it's inevitable that they will need to be catered for.

I was gradually coming around to your viewpoint, but this ^^ makes me think there's an element of '6 of one and half a dozen of the other' as my grandmother was fond of saying .

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/07/2019 23:38

Urgh....I'd just suggest chipping in each for a cottage for two people somewhere and send your folks.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 09/07/2019 23:56

Maybe it'd be best to go back to the drawing board and think about how your parents would like to celebrate their anniversary - by themselves, in a nice restaurant, visiting a place from their early days together? You could always have a family weekend away another time, but rather than making it a surprise gift, actually ask your parents where they'd like to go and what they'd like to do etc. This weekend away sounds like it's more about suiting your brother's children and dog than it is about your parents' ideal weekend.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 10/07/2019 00:17

It's not quite in terms of 'pay per room' as hotel rooms - the difference between a 3 and 4 bedroom place won't be the same as, e.g, a 1 and 2 bedroom place.

But, I don't think anyone is exactly right or wrong here. I do feel wary about the difference in expectations though.

I would suggest chosing a maximum budget that you are happy with, to cover your entire contribution including your half of parents' room. If he can find a 4 bed for twice that, fine. He pays 50:50. If he needs to make up a bit extra to get the more space he wants etc, then so be it. That would put the onus on him to decide what's most important budget-wise.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 10/07/2019 00:27

That being said, if I were him I'd be offering to pay more than 50%.

BunnyKelly · 10/07/2019 00:30

50-50.

starzig · 10/07/2019 00:42

Sounds like it's going to be a fun family holiday. I would send you parents somewhere on their own to escape the financial bickering.

Failing that, just pay the 50/50 and don't cause upset that could ruin the holiday.

Original poster

digger2014 · 10/07/2019 02:25

Thanks all. I do of course realise that my nieces need to be catered for...but theres cateting and then paying double the price to have somewhere my brother deems large enough for them. We'll only be there for 2 full days.
I really don't want to cause upset but feel that I am not prepared to pay over the odds to accommodate him and his family on this trip. I feel he is not considering our parents requirements in this...just his own...and someone else is expected to foot the bill.

I will have another chat with him tomorrow but, due to whats happened so far, I think I will probably bow out of this whole thing. My husband and I can take my parents away another time or, as some people sugguested, book something just for them.

OP posts:

RosieEffect · 10/07/2019 03:31

The problem with 50/50 is that you will likely be compromising on more than just cost. IME the people with kids tend to get first dibs on rooms (often the en-suite for the bath), so not only are you paying for the extra bedroom, you will get the leftover room as your parents and brother and kids will all get first pick.

No way would I be happy going 50/50 just to accommodate the kids. I would say 'I'm willing to pay £400 (or whatever) for this gift. Here are some options if you want more you can pay for it.' Yes it's a gift for parents but also a holiday for you and dB and you shouldn't have to subsidise his family.

lboogy · 10/07/2019 03:43

You may earn the same per household but you have more disposable income ( I would assume) since you don't have kids.

Anyway as it's a joint gift, you should split 50/50. Yes you are subsidising your niece and nephew but so what? They are your family. Don't be so penny pinching, especially as you know your parents would love to spend time with their grandkids

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