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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? about paying for holiday

236 replies

digger2014 · 09/07/2019 14:38

Hi all. I was just wondering if you think I am being unreasonable. My brother and I are thinking of taking our parents away for their 30th wedding anniversary. He and his wife have 2 young children, we don't have any children coming.

My brother and his wife want to split the cost of the cottage 50/50. They will require 2 bedrooms for the four of them whereas we will only require 1. Am I being unreasonable by not wanting to pay half?

OP posts:
ElizaPancakes · 09/07/2019 17:33

YANBU.

You both pay for the rooms you will use and split the cost of parents room.

Not sure why it’s ‘unreasonable’ to want to sub two children.

Somersetlady · 09/07/2019 17:37

Yes @howlovely that would be the thinking if staying with strangers maybe or even friends. But it’s never been that scenario. It’s trying to find a nice self catering place for them all as a family.

I would never think about it as ‘subbing’ my sister if i was paying for something for my niece of nephew who i love very much and are part of my close family!

Idontwanttotalk · 09/07/2019 17:39

After reading a post yesterday about a 70year old MIL who didn't seem to appreciate a few days away and home cooked meals in a cottage, I'd think about whether parents would want this as a 30th anniversary present.

How would you split the costs if your parents weren't going? Each pay 50% of the cost for your parents and then split the other 3 rooms between you (2:1) but take into consideration size/ how nice the rooms are and adjust accordingly. I'm pretty sure they won't be 4 equally-sized rooms.

I'm imagining all sorts of squabbles already so I don't think it's a great idea. Can't you just send parents away to a hotel for a long weekend instead?

NeckPainChairSearch · 09/07/2019 17:42

We've done this with friends, and always split by the adults and don't count the kids. When looking for somewhere, irrelevant of who books it, we look for somewhere suitable for all, and Meets everyone's needs

So we would do 50/50 without question. These are your nephews and nieces, not random kids, and it's a gift for your parents. If you wish to do it, then do it properly. Or don't do it at all

All of this with bells on. Every similar trip I've ever had has been split between adults. It's civilised, it's perfectly normal.

I agree that this is probably not going to work out. Either do it in this spirit ^^ or don't bother.

I truly don't get the 'it's only fair' posts. Is carving up down the last penny SO important to make it 'fair'?

Not sure why it’s ‘unreasonable’ to want to sub two children

NIce attitude to have towards your niece and nephew.

ElizaPancakes · 09/07/2019 17:43

To NOT want to I mean!

PrettyBelle · 09/07/2019 17:47

I am surprised that only one poster so far has suggested that the DB should actually do the right thing himself and pay a larger share because his family IS using the bigger part of the cottage. Then there would be no awkward conversations or feelings.

And yet, so many posters are guilt-tripping the OP for not willing to pay for her nephews and nieces.

How about the DB not willing to pay for his own children? This seems like a more obvious question to me.

ElizaPancakes · 09/07/2019 17:48

@NeckPainChairSearch I have neither nieces nor nephews. But I do have my own children. I wouldn’t expect my childless siblings to sub me for their room. Especially if I had chosen a larger more expensive house!

Why is OP ‘mean’ (or me of course) for not wishing to pay for the accommodation for a niece or nephew but their own parents aren’t?!

constantlyseekinghappiness · 09/07/2019 18:01

@PrettyBelle has hit the nail on the head here.

I think brother is being very cheeky to insist upon a bigger cottage for his family’s benefit and then insist upon a 50/50 split.

NeckPainChairSearch · 09/07/2019 18:03

Why is OP ‘mean’ (or me of course) for not wishing to pay for the accommodation for a niece or nephew but their own parents aren’t

I haven't called the OP mean.

And the rest of your post, I guess it's an attitude thing. I wouldn't look at it all as 'subbing' my sister and her family - it would be about the bigger picture, everyone enjoying the right size house for the collective occasion etc.

Me and my sibs did it loads while one/more family had kids and the others didn't etc. It was ALWAYS split between adults, no-one belly-ached about 'subbing' nieces or nephews.

I think it's a slightly odd attitude to carve everything up so it's completely fair, but hey. We're all different.

I'd hate to be around for the 'who's eaten my eighth of cornflakes' conversations though.

FizzyGrape · 09/07/2019 18:05

I'd think about whether parents would want this as a 30th anniversary present

Quite. On our 30th anniversary we went on a river cruise. Just the two of us. It was so peaceful and relaxing. This joint thing is more suited to a birthday present.

In OPs shoes I'd also split 50/50. The children will have the smallest room no doubt. It's just not worth haggling about.

SmellMySmellbow · 09/07/2019 18:06

Say that if he wants to go 50/50 then it needs to be the smaller cottage and he'll have to manage with the kids.

ElizaPancakes · 09/07/2019 18:11

You haven’t but others have.

I’m sure it’s nice to not have to budget quite so closely, but for some people it’s a case of doing it fairly or not being able to do it. This is why we did it that way and did separate shopping for specific kid stuff and just pooled money for everything else. Similarly, we paid our and the kids share for meals out.

Lamentations · 09/07/2019 18:12

I think 50/50 in these circumstances is fair.

NeckPainChairSearch · 09/07/2019 18:15

I’m sure it’s nice to not have to budget quite so closely, but for some people it’s a case of doing it fairly or not being able to do it

Yes, fair enough (although we'd always opt for just finding a different, affordable option), but that isn't the case here is it? I might have missed it, but the OP doesn't want to pay on principle?

FamilyOfAliens · 09/07/2019 18:17

In OPs shoes I'd also split 50/50. The children will have the smallest room no doubt. It's just not worth haggling about.

Not worth haggling about if both families pay £350 each with the smaller cottage.

If the OP is being asked to pay an extra £200 so her DB can have a bigger place for the children to run around in, I think that is worth haggling about.

HJWT · 09/07/2019 18:18

@digger2014 Op if your brother feels HE needs a bigger cottage for HIS children tell him you will pay half of the £700 and he can put the difference .... that is fair!

HJWT · 09/07/2019 18:19

@NeckPainChairSearch the Op is happy to pay half of a 4 bed £700 cottage but her brother wants a BIGGER 4 bed cottage at £1100!!

crosstalk · 09/07/2019 18:28

OP I'd just knock this on the head but not before you've spoken to your DB and as PPs have said, put your points to him - if he wants a bigger place then he pays the difference. And try to sort out some sort of rules on any meals out and who does what re cooking.

For PPs who are saying oh, just go 50/50, what does it matter - well it does if OP's DB is asking for a more expensive place to suit his kids. On top of which it'll get even odder when they go out for a meal and OP is going 50/50 again possibly in another more expensive restaurant than OP would have chosen.

NeckPainChairSearch · 09/07/2019 18:30

the Op is happy to pay half of a 4 bed £700 cottage but her brother wants a BIGGER 4 bed cottage at £1100

I get that, but again, I feel it's an attitude thing. You can either say, 'his kids, he wants more space, he pays.'

Or, 'we're all going to be sharing this space, we are all family, and having more space makes it nicer for all of us, since there will be young children around, and there can be quieter spaces, etc.'

I wouldn't insist my sister coughed up for 'having more children,' if she suggested having a bigger place to share together. I'd think 'yep, that makes sense for all of us.'

Ninjamilo · 09/07/2019 18:34

Do you not like your brother?

We’re staying in a villa with friends soon. Their kids will need another room. It never occurred to me to split the villa cost any other way than 50/50.

onalongsabbatical · 09/07/2019 18:44

How are you feeling about it now OP? This argument could be you and your brother!

SarahMused · 09/07/2019 18:48

skybluee is correct. You need to factor in the communal spaces. We’ve done this with a house share with different sized bedrooms using a rent split formula. Your brother shouldn’t pay double because you all have equal share of the communal areas and we don’t know the size of the bedrooms. It may be that you and your parents have the larger bedrooms and this may go go a large way to equal out the issue of needing an extra room. Where I think your brother is unresonable is expecting to book a property that is larger than you deem necessary. He should stump up the difference if he is the one requiring the extra accommodation.

GrabbyGertie · 09/07/2019 18:54

I’d suggest a meet-in-the-middle cost of 40% for you and 60% for him.

50/50 would be unfair. I also think you should meet I. The middle on the type of cottage. He shouldn’t get his own way.

Zaeem5 · 09/07/2019 18:56

Just pay half and be done with it!

mummmy2017 · 09/07/2019 19:17

What happens when they eat out, 50/50 on all bills?
So really OP is being invited to pay for the parents all the way, as Brothers half only covers his family..
So £1000 gone in a week...including the house....nice.

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