Husband watching porn whilst I was stuck in hospital with our newborn

[Babaganoush123]

Hi all, I had a baby last year and due to complications we ended up staying in hospital for about a week. During that time my husband kindly stayed overnight in hospital with us sleeping on a chair and during the day would go home to shower/nap/eat etc. However after looking through some pictures on his tablet many months later he had downloaded some porn on the days I had been stuck in hospital. So whilst I had a really depressing tough time in hospital with my little one, he had been going home and evidently been having a good time. Thinking of the hospital stay before I even discovered the porn has always made me feel low, but now discovering this makes me feel even worse. I understand it's a thing some people look at, but I find it rather insulting that was on his mind whilst we had a tiny little baby to worry about. I'm kinda just posting this here to get it off my chest as I have no one to talk to, and even though I confronted him about it he didn't really say much..... AIBU to feel so angry about it?

I think YABU to be angry and let it be a problem after so long. How is your relationship now?

Hmm... I can see why you think it's a bit grim. But I wouldn't be angry. He was at home for a few hours. It would be unrealistic to think he just sat staring in to space thinking about you - he probably ate, showered, napped, made calls, watched TV, read a book and yes, had a wank. I think saying he was "having a good time" is overstating it - it probably took five minutes.

I agree with pp. It's a stress relief.
I would be concerned he downloads it. Just watch it online like the rest of us.

I am very anti porn and it is a deal breaker for me.

However, if I was OK with porn in my marriage I wouldn't care that he did it when I was in hospital. I don't understand why that part matters.

If you are upset about him using porn in general then I am with you on that one.

Why is this still playing on your mind?

I would be angry because porn is exploitative, demeans and objectifies women, encourages bad attitude and bad sex.
Other than that would you mind if he was drinking or seeing a friend. It's a bit selfish and disrespectful

I can understand why you were angry at the time but why is still such an issue a year later?

Why do you think it's OK to stalk him through his tablet? I get amazed at the women on here who go through their partner's phoe etc., you deserve to find something you don't like!

I also think it was stress release, I would let it go. I get it possibly feels like a betrayal especially as you only had a baby.
If your relationship is good otherwise I would put it behind me.

I’m sorry you went through that and I understand why thinking about anything to do with that time is upsetting. I agree with pp that it was probably just a bit of stress relief and it doesn’t mean that he wasn’t really concerned about you and the baby. Have you had any counselling to talk about what happened?

I'm sure he was worried about you and the baby too and needed a way to relieve stress. If it was something particularly fetish-y or taboo I probably would be annoyed too but not for run-of-the-mill stuff. Why are you still annoyed about this a year later though?

YABU. Nothing wrong with him relieving his urges (which he was still going to be having, no matter how worried about you being in hospital he may have been) in the privacy of his own home. Look on the bright side, and without wishing to sound harsh, it could have been worse, many women on here have found out their husband's were off having an affair whilst they were in situations similar to yours... I just can't get wound up about a bit of porn given the situation!

Stress relief. Ah yes. That old chestnut.

Funny. If DH were in hospital with kidney failure or chemotherapy or having ingrown toenail surgery, it wouldn’t occur to me to download porn and get my rocks off to underage boys. Wait for it, the ‘How do you know they were underage?’ brigade will show up here in a sec. In fact, open the double doors for the ‘Let’s Justify This Shitty Shitty Act’ mob. They ALWAYS make a grand entrance on these threads.

It’s shit what your DH did, OP. Porn has ruined my marriage. Absolutely burnt it at the stake. And it all started off quite ‘reasonably’.
YANBU for feeling upset at all.

I must remember never to come on MN asking about my DH😮
In one thread people suggest violence against DH for asking for a hand job and that he should go help himself with some porn while in other thread people are appalled by DH helping himself with some porn.😮

Thanks for all your responses. I think this confirms I have issues that I need to deal with. I'm not sure why it makes me feel angry so long after, I constantly feel low so think I need to talk to someone. I guess our relationship isn't really that great anymore either. I rarely want sex so understand he's going to look elsewhere. I was looking for the pictures he had taken of our child he had in a folder on his tablet, I wasn't intentionally snooping for the poster saying I was going through his tablet...

I think YABU OP. I can understand why you find thinking of that time traumatising, I had an awful PN stay as well, worst 48 hours of my life, so I can sympathise.

But I dont think your DH was wrong or disrespectful here. He stayed in a chair at the hospital and was probably worried sick about both of you. If masturbating was what he needed to do then I really can’t see why that was a problem. We are constantly saying to women who are struggling with difficult circumstances that self care is important to make sure you can continue to support the people relying on you, and if this is what allowed him to de stress then so be it. It probably gave him 5/10 minutes of ‘time off’. I think that’s allowed.

it wouldn’t occur to me to download porn and get my rocks off to underage boys. Wait for it, the ‘How do you know they were underage?’ brigade will show up here in a sec. In fact, open the double doors for the ‘Let’s Justify This Shitty Shitty Act’ mob. They ALWAYS make a grand entrance on these threads.

Eh? Can you read that back and rewrite it to make some sort of sense? It seems like some rant at somebody about something that didn't happen

@TheVanguardSix

I'm genuinely sorry porn ruined your marriage. I am not sure where the "underage" thing came in though? Perhaps that's a projection from your own circumstances? I can't see anywhere where the OP said her husband was watching something illegal? Why would you just assume it WAS and that there is some random MN "brigade" who would come on here asking questions?

And yes, everyone, men and women have urges (call them what you will, desires, needs, wants), and need stress relief, and masturbating is actually a quick and easy stress reliever for some. Should OP's husband just sat at home wringing his hands in sadness?

Funny. If DH were in hospital with kidney failure or chemotherapy or having ingrown toenail surgery, it wouldn’t occur to me to download porn and get my rocks off to underage boys. Wait for it, the ‘How do you know they were underage?’ brigade will show up here in a sec.

There is literally zero reference to the age of the women in the pictures. How can you possibly know they’re underage?! Porn ruined your marriage, I’m sorry about that, but you are massively projecting and that’s not going to help the OP.

I think YANBU, but you’ll get people (as I see you already have) saying that he has needs and is stressed. Oh boo hoo, poor him being able to leave the hospital, walk around without being in pain and go home for some normality for a while.
I would be pissed off too, and I’d be asking him why he thought it was ok.
It’s no wonder some men think it’s fine to do stuff like this when there are women basically saying ‘Give him a break, the poor guy! He couldn’t help looking at naked women, he was stressed and has NEEDS!’

It depends ninja. When you get to my place where your DH hasn’t touched you for 5 plus years yet can muster up a hard-on for (she says she’s) Nineteen Year Old Nina and her bleached arsehole, talk to me. It doesn’t feel great. And his porn viewing started out rather modestly. But wow, it grew legs and a dick! Let’s hope most MN DH’s don’t become as addicted as mine. It sucks.

Ah Cheby! You bit!
Slow clap!