Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband watching porn whilst I was stuck in hospital with our newborn

159 replies

Babaganoush123 · 08/07/2019 10:29

Hi all, I had a baby last year and due to complications we ended up staying in hospital for about a week. During that time my husband kindly stayed overnight in hospital with us sleeping on a chair and during the day would go home to shower/nap/eat etc. However after looking through some pictures on his tablet many months later he had downloaded some porn on the days I had been stuck in hospital. So whilst I had a really depressing tough time in hospital with my little one, he had been going home and evidently been having a good time. Thinking of the hospital stay before I even discovered the porn has always made me feel low, but now discovering this makes me feel even worse. I understand it's a thing some people look at, but I find it rather insulting that was on his mind whilst we had a tiny little baby to worry about. I'm kinda just posting this here to get it off my chest as I have no one to talk to, and even though I confronted him about it he didn't really say much..... AIBU to feel so angry about it?

OP posts:
Namenic · 08/07/2019 11:56

OP - do see GP to check you don’t have signs of PND. Depression can affect thinking patterns.

Talk to your DH and say it’s important for you to talk. Explain your feelings and ask him what his are. Consider relationship/sex therapy?

The porn/anti-porn issue is very personal. Perhaps reflect on whether if you knew about porn use before baby it bothered you? It’s ok to change your mind too - but make sure you communicate with DH about it because he might not be aware he of how you feel. Of course he might have different views incompatible with yours - so maybe in this case counselling could help. For me it’s a dealbreaker.

Gilbert1A · 08/07/2019 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sleepingbelvi · 08/07/2019 11:57

The point is being missed if you’re entirely focusing on the age here.

Erm, you brought the question of age into it.

I get that you have been hurt, quite badly, but to suggest the OP's DH is a paedophile is quite frankly ridiculous.

Sadie789 · 08/07/2019 11:57

I think this is more to do with your memories of the time in hospital than it has to do with him watching porn.

To be honest if I was away from the house for a few nights (as I will be shortly when I have DC2) I would half expect DH to take the opportunity of a night on his own to have a wee moment to himself. It wouldn’t bother me, it wouldn’t really occur to me and I certainly wouldn’t check up on it afterwards.

You say the memory of the week in hospital makes you feel low? Why are you dwelling on it? Do you still have medical issues as a result? Is your baby okay? If you’re all okay now, why get stuck on it? No it’s not nice being in hospital but it’s one of life’s rubbish bits that you should be able to process and move on from without it still upsetting you a year later.

I would be seeing the GP about that and never mind the porn, that’s actually not the problem here.

thedevondumpling · 08/07/2019 12:02

I think YANBU, but you’ll get people (as I see you already have) saying that he has needs and is stressed. Oh boo hoo, poor him being able to leave the hospital, walk around without being in pain and go home for some normality for a while. Well what do you think he should do? Maybe a bit of self harm so he knows what she'sfeeling, not sure how that would go if it was a vaginal delivery but presumably if it was a section he could manage it. Sack cloth and ashes, how the hell would any of that help? She needed him fit, well and functioning to support her. If he needed half an hour escape, stress relief or whatever then as long as he delivered on the other 23 hrs and 30 minutes it should be OK.

OP you had a tough time but you know it was probably tough for him as well. I say this as a carer, my husband copes with his disability, everyone says how brave he is and how well he does and it is true. No bugger thinks what it is like for me, it is different than what he goes through but there are days when I would love to do something for me or just be able to stay in bed when I'm tired, or not think of his med or when his next appointment is. It isn't a competition and I don't want to swap but you needed him and he was there for you but give him some downtime.

I hope you get some help, you obviously both went through a horrible time.

Mumofone1858 · 08/07/2019 12:03

I came home after a week in hospital when baby was born to beer cans all around the bed! Don't know why but it does seem like they take us being in hospital as a time to enjoy themselves! If I am being graphically honest though, when my mind is racing sometimes the only way I can sleep is to masturbate so you never know maybe he was the same? Not worth bringing it up a year later I don't think, he slept on the chair in your room which is more than alot of partners would do, try to see the positive Flowers

Biancadelrioisback · 08/07/2019 12:14

I hate it when women tell other women what their boundaries should be. So you're okay (or not okay) with porn, that doesn't mean that others need to agree.
Personally I have no issue with porn whatsoever, I enjoy it myself and with my partner from time to time. But that's us and our relationship. And it's completely irrelevant to anyone else.

Your feelings are valid either way. However with things like porn I think you need to have a really Frank conversation about it and agree where your boundaries are.
If you're still struggling to move past this, then perhaps you need to find someone unbiased to discuss your feelings with.

TheVanguardSix · 08/07/2019 12:24

I get that you have been hurt, quite badly, but to suggest the OP's DH is a paedophile is quite frankly ridiculous.
Ok. Hmm Did you leave school at 11? Your misinterpretation of my words is prize winning.
I haven’t suggested this in the least. I have suggested that I believe there are underage individuals in that industry and I am likely correct in that statement.
Porn is bad, imo but it doesn’t necessarily kill a marriage. My situation is the worst case scenario. I used to be a Cool Wife. Hmm
You’re hurt by your DH’s actions, OP. I hope you can talk to each other and understand one another.

Wafflecopter · 08/07/2019 12:24

No @thedevondumpling he should have just gone home had a sleep, a shower and some food then gone bloody back! He could have picked up some supplies for his wife if he fancied while he was at it.
I’m really not sure why it’s so difficult to understand that there are more important things at that point in time than his having a wank and downloading some porn?
She said complications, not that anyone was in grave danger of dying, so why would he really be THAT stressed?

sleepingbelvi · 08/07/2019 12:31

Did you leave school at 11? Your misinterpretation of my words is prize winning.
I haven’t suggested this in the least.

Well van...

Funny. If DH were in hospital with kidney failure or chemotherapy or having ingrown toenail surgery, it wouldn’t occur to me to download porn and get my rocks off to underage boys

If you think that statement doesn't suggest the OPDH was doing the opposite (her in hospital and him watching underage girls) than I really do question you.

That is EXACTLY what you meant.

Hugtheduggee · 08/07/2019 12:31

I think when we are in hospital with a baby, it's so all encompassing we can't really visualise the world carrying on outside, because to us it doesn't.

If I'd been home, I'd likely have been so sad at being away from my spouse and baby I'd mope and end up obsessively looking at pictures and videos of them on my phone etc. But that's me. Some people (and guys can be especially good at this in my experience) are good at compartmentalising things. They have free time, they do free time activities, and non necessarily ones thst involve gazing at photos of their newborn.

If the house was a mess when your returned, or he was neglecting you and the baby it's different, but otherwise I think YABU

Gilbert1A · 08/07/2019 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NinjaInFluffyPJs · 08/07/2019 12:45

Well this escalated 😮
Pervert and peado. Wowza

@Passthecherrycoke is pornhub one of them?

NotBeingRobbed · 08/07/2019 12:45

YANBU. This was grossly disrespectful to you. You’re not happy about it and you don’t need peer pressuring into thinking it’s OK.

I feel for you. You now have a child and one day that child will stumble across what dad is doing. And nobody on the family will be happy about it. This stuff wrecks marriages.

I don’t buy that everyone does it. I don’t. But even if a lot of people do it, you don’t have to be happy about it. I find it revolting, particularly when you were in hospital.

Of course he thinks he’s trapped you now - tiny baby, vulnerable time and you depend on him. Porn is demeaning of women and telling women we have to accept it as normal is not OK.

Would anyone say it was normal if he had picked up a hooker while you were in hospital. Because that’s where this porn habit will lead him in the end.

NinjaInFluffyPJs · 08/07/2019 12:49

@Would anyone say it was normal if he had picked up a hooker while you were in hospital. Because that’s where this porn habit will lead him in the end.

🙄

Gilbert1A · 08/07/2019 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NotBeingRobbed · 08/07/2019 12:51

@NinjaInFluffyPJs
You’re naive if you think this isn’t the route to prostitution.

NinjaInFluffyPJs · 08/07/2019 12:54

I still haven't had an urge to pick any prostituts up. Nor did a SIGNIFICANT, actually a majority of population from which a SIGNIFICANT number watches porn

Gilbert1A · 08/07/2019 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sleepingbelvi · 08/07/2019 12:55

anyone say it was normal if he had picked up a hooker while you were in hospital. Because that’s where this porn habit will lead him in the end.

Eh?

ghostofharrenhal · 08/07/2019 12:55

I don't think YABU OP, but as it happened a while ago I think you need to forget it.

To all those people having a go at @TheVanguardSix, she's right, porn is damaging on so many levels, it really isn't OK. All of you saying porn is OK, presumably then you'd be happy for your teenage son or daughter to go into the porn industry?

NaviSprite · 08/07/2019 12:55

I was in the same boat as you OP.

My DH watches porn occasionally, he’s no addict and his ‘taste’ in porn is very tame.

I had our twins by emergency c-section, they were two months premature and extremely low birth weight due to blood supply issues from my placentas. DS spent two months in NICU, DD spent four months in NICU.

The day they were born they were taken to a hospital miles away because the hospital they were delivered in were at complete capacity in their neonatal ward. I couldn’t go with them, I was stuck in the hospital with all the other women on the ward who’d had fairly normal successful births and their babies were right beside them.

DH had to go home after two days staying in with me. I was discharged the next day (shouldn’t have been but the midwives knew my desperation - I needed to get to the hospital my babies were staying in) and went straight to my twins, the hospital they were in very graciously gave me one of their rooms for the long term and I spent the better part of two months away from home.

I was terrified every day, DH came when he could (his work were not the most understanding of the situation) and he was terrified too. We experienced it very differently. He had to continue going to work and feared every phone call. I stayed with them and feared every knock on the door to my room.

When DD and DS were transferred back to my local hospital I decided to stay at home and travel to see them every day. When I got home I was gobsmacked. The place was a tip, empty beer cans strewn about the place and when I went on our shared computer to download some of the literature I’d been recommended about caring for preemie babies, autofill in the search bar confirmed that he had been watching porn too. I felt humiliated at the time, like I was the only person going through the terror of two tiny babies in NICU.

I had it out with him there and then, he was ashamed to admit that all he could do was get lost in his old habits because there was misguided comfort there. I didn’t have an issue with just the porn, but the situation as a whole. I got him to tell me his experience of those months I was away, I had been oblivious to how lost he felt, how scared he was that our children weren’t going to pull through. So he just went into automatic mode. He wasn’t proud of it, he apologised. But I gained his perspective on what we were both going through and he gained mine.

From there we both agreed that whilst we were both going through such a traumatic time - our personal experience of that time was very different. I was snappy and nasty a lot of the time because of stress and I vented that at him. I’m not proud of that either.

My DH rarely watches porn and when we do get the time to be intimate he makes every effort to make me know that - whilst he may look at the ladies on screen - I’m the person he’s most into. It took a lot of work to get back to functioning that way though.

Have you been able to talk to your DH about it? I know people might think it’s odd you bringing it up now, but to truly put your mind at rest, maybe just ask him. I can understand why you’re hurt and the low sex drive during/after pregnancy can make what was previously a small issue about porn into a massive one - that’s not including the rest of the situation that had you both under intense pressure.

SirVixofVixHall · 08/07/2019 12:55

Porn would be an absolute deal breaker for me. I would end my marriage over it. I am always amazed at the number of women on here who are fine with porn, given what it is doing to a generation of boys and young men, and their behaviour with girls and women. That is without even factoring in the lives of the women in porn.
However, if you are generally accepting of your dh using porn, then this episode is a bit grim, but not too different.
If you hate porn then tell him it is a dealbreaker for you.

SirVixofVixHall · 08/07/2019 12:57

You would be getting very different responses if you had posted this in the feminism section.

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 08/07/2019 12:58

God I hate this normalising of porn usage as 'stress relief'. The poor menz with their blue balls, they'll just burst if they don't have a wank. Except no one's ever died from going without for a week or two, have they?

I absolutely see Vanguard's point. She's not saying the OP's husband is an out-and-out paedophile or went specifically looking for child-related stuff but if you use porn, you have to be alive to the reality that underage girls and boys are trafficked into the industry, so there's a very real possibility that you're wanking over some doped-up 15yo made up to look 18. I find that thought a huge turn off - which is why I don't use porn.

OP, I second (third, whatever) the suggestions to have some counselling, perhaps on your own at first to help you articulate to yourself why this is such an issue for you, which might then help you have that conversation with your husband and get across to him how disrespectful he was being when you were lonely and vulnerable in hospital.