Husband watching porn whilst I was stuck in hospital with our newborn

[Babaganoush123]

Hi all, I had a baby last year and due to complications we ended up staying in hospital for about a week. During that time my husband kindly stayed overnight in hospital with us sleeping on a chair and during the day would go home to shower/nap/eat etc. However after looking through some pictures on his tablet many months later he had downloaded some porn on the days I had been stuck in hospital. So whilst I had a really depressing tough time in hospital with my little one, he had been going home and evidently been having a good time. Thinking of the hospital stay before I even discovered the porn has always made me feel low, but now discovering this makes me feel even worse. I understand it's a thing some people look at, but I find it rather insulting that was on his mind whilst we had a tiny little baby to worry about. I'm kinda just posting this here to get it off my chest as I have no one to talk to, and even though I confronted him about it he didn't really say much..... AIBU to feel so angry about it?

YABU.

If I were in hospital I would expect DH to be worried but not all consumed every waking hour for days on end - that’s not healthy. I would expect some time to be spent sleeping, eating, maybe reading and - yes - masturbating. Was he there for you when you needed to be? If so, then try and move on.

Are you still with him TheVanguardSix?

Sorry for what you went through OP

I’d have been hurt too but the fact that you’re still affected by it a year on might suggest it’s become a focal point for other difficult things in your life or your marriage that it’s easier to overlook at the moment.

Sorry. I’m naturally super defensive about this stuff, everyone. I am really down on porn because my experience has been heartbreaking. It’s not just a case of ‘He fancies her!’ It’s the slow, oozing rejection, the being shelved, the not wanting sex with him because he’s pushed me so far away, I can’t even see ‘us’ anymore over this parapet built out of his porn and the predictability of my weekly Ocado shops. And we have a daughter. How many of you are cool with your DH wanking to women not much older than your teenage children? Seriously. It’s messed up.
So forgive me for totally projecting and being kinda bitchy about it. But man. It hurts.
OP, I still think YANBU. I think porn is the cancer of society.

@Wafflecopter

How is it disrespectful to the OP?Why wasn't it okay? It wasn't his fault that his wife was in hospital! What should he have been doing instead? It wasn't like he was sitting next to her while he did it! He had stayed with her in hospital, he hadn't abandoned her to go and watch porn.

It is often far worse for a loved one to see their spouse in pain and not be able to do anything that to be the one dealing with the pain. (I speak from personal experience). My DH was distraught when I was in hospital because he couldn't do anything to help me. He was so stressed I thought he was going to end up in bed next to me, in a far worse shape! I would have been more than happy if he had gone home, watched a bit of porn and de-stressed himself quickly and easily. Sometimes men ARE different to women in that way, some women might feel better having a chat with a friend, some men might feel relief in a more, ahem, physical way. Nothing wrong in either scenario.

Ah fuck! The age is not the point people!!! It’s the message, the hurt it delivers to the unwanted partner, if you’re that partner. Yes, I’m still with him. 3 years of Uni for DS and then I’m ghost.

Porn wouldn't bother me.

My now ex fucked another woman in our bed whilst our 3 week old was fighting sepsis in hospital, that bothered me

I hate porn, but wouldn't hold it against him.

Hmm, Well if my DP and baby were in hospital i don't think i would be at home having a wank, whatever floats your boat and all that.

Difficult one you're being a bit of both, but i can see why at the time it would have pissed you off, but not now. Unless this is just the tip of the iceberg?

Parallel universe on here sometimes.
One op was pissed off that her DP asked for a hand job when heavily pregnant and told he is more than capable to do it himself but a man who goes and relieves himself in peace gets abuse? I could see the annoyance if he asked OP in the hospital to do it!
I don't see the problem at all, I'm sure he spent time being worried about you and the baby OP but I wouldn't expect him not to have a wank

In your opinion YANBU I'm 20 and personally Id feel offended if DP watched porn I'd be so angry and hurt. Mines probably because of self confidence. Since having DD I'm definitely not the same image wise, quite the opposite. So yeah, I'd be pissed if I was in hospital and he's banging one out to some 'picture perfect' slags.

Don't feel bad for having feelings OP x

Personally I think YANBU and YABU.

I too would feel very angry and hurt. While you were in hospital with your newborn (which I expect was a deeply traumatic experience) your DH thought he’d find pictures of naked women and jerk off. I think it shows how much we’ve internalised male sexual entitlement that some posters are excusing this as a ‘stress reliever’! If my DH and son were both in hospital, I can’t imagine thinking ‘right, time for a wank’.

On the other hand, a lot of time has passed, and you haven’t said your relationship is in a bad way, so I think it’s one of those things you just have to try and move past - even though you may feel angry and hurt - because what good is being angry and hurt going to do you?

Ah fuck! The age is not the point people!!!

It absolutely is the point. In fact it's fucking vital. It's the difference between being a man having a wank over some porn and a man being a Paedophile, so don't pretend it didn't matter.

It's massively inappropriate to suggest someone is a paedophile based on nothing.

Your posts suggest you need some help tbh.

I'm so sorry you had complications over your baby. It sounds like you had a really stressful time.

I understand how you feel about the porn - I would be a bit surprised and shocked too. However, I don't think it's true that it means he was off having a 'good time' while you were stuck in hospital - I suspect it's actually a sign of the reverse of that, that he felt lonely and vulnerable and sought some superficial and meaningless sexual comfort.

I'm actually more concerned by the underlying feeling here: it sounds as though you're not feeling fully supported, loved, or cared about sexually. In that context, someone looking at porn is bound to feel like a bigger betrayal - but the porn is kind of a symptom there, rather than the real cause, which is bigger and more complicated. I do wonder if a bit of couples counselling might be of use? If it stops this spiralling and gets you back on track, it will be more than worth the money.

Of course YABU! He didn't cheat, he just watched porn. Blimey.

TheVanguardSix
I am sorry, there is a very dark side to porn addiction it is everywhere.
Look at the hassle between Starbucks and porn hub, it always makes my wonder in a café all those men sipping coffee with a hard on.

I dislike porn and think it's bad for society in general, but many people are OK with it. If you are OK with porn generally, I see no reason at all to be angry with your DH for using it for a wank while you were in hospital. He may have done other enjoyable things too, like eating an icecream!

Vanguard - I agree! I also left a marriage because of exDH porn use.

Wouldn’t ever consider a relationship with someone who consumes porn. Married to someone else now, best sex ever 🤗

Baba - get thee to relationship counselling. Go alone if he won’t come. In my area it’s generally £50 an hour but you can get a discount if you have a low income.

Will give you someone to talk to about your low mood, help you figure out why you are holding onto this particular event and eventually, what you’d like to happen next.

It didn’t save my marriage, but it helped us break up healthily (have a child to think of) and stopped me repeating destructive choices/patterns.

Good luck.

This is (was)!a problem for me, also and rationalisation doesn't help. I had a long term relationship with a man whom I loved but never completely trusted. I'll never forget how hurt, shocked and angry I was when I surprised him masturbating furiously, facing the wall. It was so furtive and I remember thinking "why would he do this while I was bathing, knowing I would soon be in bed with him? Why did he choose "that" instead of me?"

Even though it was a very long time ago, I remember how inadequate and unwanted his furtive jerking off made me feel.

Is this similar to your feelings, OP? Especially since you had just given birth to your child and were likely feeling tired, overwhelmed and forlorn.

I used to go through that partner's agenda, pockets, briefcase and wallet because I just didn't trust him. We had huge rows, too. It brought me nothing but suspicion and grief and he left eventually. I have never gone through anyone's personal possessions since.

Why do some of us get so upset when we find evidence of our partner's wanking, especially over porn? Is it jealousy? I've yet to understand my reaction.

Tbf though vanguard are you saying you wouldn’t have a wank if your partner is in hospital? Because take away the porn (and I do appreciate your concerns) that’s what he’s done. Now I don’t often wank myself but I can see that people sometimes take comfort in things you or I may not in times of stress.

So in summary, I don’t think it’s a big deal tbh Op. are there other problems in the relationship?

If DH were in hospital with kidney failure or chemotherapy or having ingrown toenail surgery, it wouldn’t occur to me to download porn and get my rocks off

I'll be honest and say if my DH was in hospital for a week +, and presumably recovering alright and not at deaths door, and I was home alone for hours of the day I'd probably engage in a little self love. There might even be porn of some sort involved. It would be nice to relax for a bit and take my mind off things.
I can't be the only one.

but vanguard why say underage then?

Because the possibility is real. The probability is high.
You are insanely walled off if you believe that the porn and sex industries are above board. Have a little read about human trafficking and the exploitation of minors. Go on. Enlighten yourselves. Or continue sleeping. Your choice. Free will and all that.
And let’s keep shit real. 60 year olds wank to 18 year olds who look could
like my children. That’s ok then because they’re not minors. Hurrah! Go back to bed, sheeple. The point is being missed if you’re entirely focusing on the age here.

Sorry, but YABU

Your hormones will be all over the place though, so cut yourself some slack & definitely cut him some slack as you are making a huge deal out of nothing.

Well tbf most men really do view legal porn. That’s why legal vetted sites are so popular as opposed to child sex abuse (underage)