Husband watching porn whilst I was stuck in hospital with our newborn

[Babaganoush123]

Hi all, I had a baby last year and due to complications we ended up staying in hospital for about a week. During that time my husband kindly stayed overnight in hospital with us sleeping on a chair and during the day would go home to shower/nap/eat etc. However after looking through some pictures on his tablet many months later he had downloaded some porn on the days I had been stuck in hospital. So whilst I had a really depressing tough time in hospital with my little one, he had been going home and evidently been having a good time. Thinking of the hospital stay before I even discovered the porn has always made me feel low, but now discovering this makes me feel even worse. I understand it's a thing some people look at, but I find it rather insulting that was on his mind whilst we had a tiny little baby to worry about. I'm kinda just posting this here to get it off my chest as I have no one to talk to, and even though I confronted him about it he didn't really say much..... AIBU to feel so angry about it?

Ach, it is just how men are.

“Amateur stuff”? So real people having sex? I don’t know the genre myself....but that would make you a voyeur, pure and simple. Nice.

Sorry @Fyette I think you were talking about erotic fiction, which is another kettle of fish of course!

My ex husband was addicted to porn. It was secret, of course. He ended up spending more than his monthly income on online purchases. I only found out that much when I got his statements as part of divorce proceedings. I had my own earnings and so was no aware.

He was so hooked he viewed this stuff in front of the children when I was out of the room or out at work. This went on for years.

Meanwhile my daughter was self-harming and suffered terrible nightmares and I went through years of immense stress because I could not understand why.

In the end the now-teenager told me what he was doing and he was straight out the door.....and subsequently off to use hookers.

If you think porn is harmless you are deluded.

Wafflecopter who died and put you in charge of the world. She said complications, not that anyone was in grave danger of dying, so why would he really be THAT stressed? Since when was it up to you how stressed people get? I was stressed when my child was in hospital, he wasn't in grave danger but it was definitely a stressful time and I don't need your permission to feel stressed any more than the OPs husband does.

Porn is like alcohol - many people use it without any problem but in a minority of cases users become addicted and lives and relationships suffer.

If he is meeting your needs and you are happy in your relationship then ignore his porn use. One incident sometime in the past should not be allowed to fester in this way, there are very few guys that haven't watched porn when their partner wasn't there for whatever reason.

Ach, it is just how men are.

That's the same sort of bollocks as 'boys will be boys' and needs to be consigned to the bin. It's not 'how men are', it's how some men who don't care about trafficking, coercion and demeaning women so long as they get their rocks off are. It's pretty insulting to the many men who manage to hold themselves to a higher standard.

YABU

Sex is a stress relief.

YANBU, OP. Couldn’t he think of anything better to do with his time at home? Mens’ balls don’t explode if not emptied regularly. I wouldn’t be happy with this either. Porn use is a dealbreaker for me.

If sex was only a “stress relief” there wouldn’t be such a huge fuss about moral codes to do with it across the major world religions. Porn is vile and is destroying a generation. Is cheating also just “stress relief”.

If Im worried a nice twang relaxes me and off I go to sleep. I dare say it's the same for a bloke.

I dislike porn and have no interest in men who use it. Totally understand how you feel OP. If you were preoccupied with what your DC was going through I get how hard it would be to understand that he could spend time on this. But you should discuss it with him. If the two of you aren’t aligned on the acceptability of porn you will have more problems.

He was horny and wanted a wank. He WNBU to do so, But dressing it up as he was soooo worried and stressed and used it just as a relief is all bit too "thats men for ya"

When my newborn DD was staying in hospital, she was not in "grave danger" but masturbating was the last thing on my mind. OP you're probably taking this so hard because like you said it was a horrible time for you. But it would be wrong to continue to hold this against your DP, he didn't do anything wrong per se, but can see why you're upset and feel uneasy.

@FreeAtLast19 that's truly awful and I'm so sorry you and your daughter went through that, but I don't think most parents using porn are also abusing their kids.

@myopinionisvalid

Yes it is the same for a man.

That's the same sort of bollocks as 'boys will be boys' and needs to be consigned to the bin. It's not 'how men are', it's how some men who don't care about trafficking, coercion and demeaning women so long as they get their rocks off are. It's pretty insulting to the many men who manage to hold themselves to a higher standard

It is how men are though. I'm not excusing it. But if you choose to be in a relationship with a heterosexual man, it's the reality unfortunately. Some men don't, but that's because they have an unusually (for a man) low sex drive not because they are super moral and resist.

@TheVanguardSix most men I know that watch porn don't look at teenagers. They look at women in their 20's and 30's and generally prefer real looking women.

You have issues and you need help with them.

Sorry if your husband likes the younger lady but that is not reflective of all men or women. What a bizarre sweeping statement. The under 21 side of porn is absolutely miniscule in comparison to the size of the other categories out there, that is actually a fact. Milf porn is like the biggest category outside of anal in the world

@ghostofharrenhal

Yeah, I was talking of erotic fiction and responding to the outrage at "having a wank while DP is in hospital". Porn industry is a different debate altogether!

The religions have issues with it @FreeAtLast19 because it is a distraction from faith as it feels better for most than preeching and spreading their 'message', nothing more and nothing less.

I know I'd rather be having a shag than reading a bible 🤷 like most, I'm sure.

@Fyette it is indeed!

@Tallgreenbottle

They look at women in their 20's and 30's and generally prefer real looking women. The under 21 side of porn is absolutely miniscule in comparison to the size of the other categories out there, that is actually a fact. Milf porn is like the biggest category outside of anal in the world

So much wrong with this a) they can't be sure the age of the women they are looking at b) the women may be trafficked, abused, vulnerable, whatever their age.

Exactly @NinjaInFluffyPJs. Men just cant win. Bloody good I've got a thick skin because I'd need it if I ever surfaced from my cave.

@TheVanguardSix. I dont think projecting your myriad of problems is going to help anyone. The problems in your marriage were not all down to porn.

I learnt I very good saying many years ago. SUMO. shut up & move on.

So much wrong with this a) they can't be sure the age of the women they are looking at b) the women may be trafficked, abused, vulnerable, whatever their age.

PP said she liked watching amateur porn how is that even remotely applicable if you're watching 2 people have sex as consenting adults who have chosen to upload it themselves?

I don't yhink op is being unreasonabke. My dh would be in major trouble if I found he'd downloaded porn in any circumstances!

grrrr typos