Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband watching porn whilst I was stuck in hospital with our newborn

159 replies

Babaganoush123 · 08/07/2019 10:29

Hi all, I had a baby last year and due to complications we ended up staying in hospital for about a week. During that time my husband kindly stayed overnight in hospital with us sleeping on a chair and during the day would go home to shower/nap/eat etc. However after looking through some pictures on his tablet many months later he had downloaded some porn on the days I had been stuck in hospital. So whilst I had a really depressing tough time in hospital with my little one, he had been going home and evidently been having a good time. Thinking of the hospital stay before I even discovered the porn has always made me feel low, but now discovering this makes me feel even worse. I understand it's a thing some people look at, but I find it rather insulting that was on his mind whilst we had a tiny little baby to worry about. I'm kinda just posting this here to get it off my chest as I have no one to talk to, and even though I confronted him about it he didn't really say much..... AIBU to feel so angry about it?

OP posts:
goodwinter · 08/07/2019 12:58

If he was otherwise being supportive and doing as much as he could for you while you were in hospital (which it sounds like he was), I'd let this go.

CatG85 · 08/07/2019 13:05

If he had been watching porn but not being there for you, or watching it but showing no interest in you sexually then yes ok be pissed off. If not, I think you'll need to just let it go for your own sanity. If there are other issues, work on those and try not to let this cloud things.

I wouldn't like my DH watching it whilst we had a healthy sex life but that's my personal feelings. I did however tell him I didn't really have an issue with that/sorting himself out during my early pregnancy where I felt really unwell and totally off sex. He didn't bring it up, I did and as far as I know, never turned to porn but it wouldn't have bothered me.

It's each to their own so a YA/YANBU isn't as clear cut.

NCforthis2019 · 08/07/2019 13:06

Jesus - this excalated quicky! Lots of projection on this thread.

OP - it does not matter what anyone else stance on a husbnad viewing porn are - it matter what YOU feel about it.Im sorry you felt hurt by what he did. He should be sorry he hurt you as well - i suspect there are bigger things than this which have tipped you over the edge - youre just looking for reasons.

I dont mind porn - i watch more than my husband, in private.Sometimes my husband watches it - doesnt bother me. I suppose your angry because you were tending to your new baby and he was home wanking? Did he spend anytime with you in hospital? It really could have been just a 5 minute thing out of the shower sort of incident. Talk to him.

ghostofharrenhal · 08/07/2019 13:11

@NCforthis2019 would you be happy for your teenage son or daughter to be in the porn industry?

QueSera · 08/07/2019 13:12

I would never be with a man who watches porn, I find it demeaning to women, so it would definitely upset me. But it depends on what your general tolerance of porn is and agreed between you both.
The timing is particularly grim.
I'm sorry you had a difficult time after giving birth.x

AngeloMysterioso · 08/07/2019 13:15

1300cakes summed up my take on it pretty accurately.

BatShite · 08/07/2019 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrauleinF · 08/07/2019 13:18

@NaviSprite That was absolutely disgraceful behaviour from your husband. I am glad however that he made an effort afterwards to work through things together with you.

@TheVanguardSix I agree with you that (in particular modern day) easy access porn is a scourge on our society. It's a shame that people have chosen to fixate on the "underage" thing rather than think about why they feel so compelled to explain such misogyny away. Porn seems to damage women far more than it does men (though it is problematic for both sexes) and I am stunned that so many women are seemingly ok with it or keen to minimise why some men like to use it so much.

Am also just curious, are there any female mumsnetters on here who, whilst their male partner was in hospital, maybe not dying, but in considerable pain/anguish, spent plenty of time using porn and leaving the house a shit tip for their beloved's return? Not women who say they would potentially do this should the situation arise, but women who have actually done it - like a reversal of the sexes of what several women have described on here.

Male/Female socialisation is an odd thing...

BatShite · 08/07/2019 13:19

I think YA a bit U here. I understand it upsets you as you were having such a crappy time but..I don't really think your husband should have just spent the time worrying about the situation or anything, and I am sure he just wanted a way to de-stress after it all. I mean, I don't watch porn but when my partner was in hospital I did not spend the time just sat worrying about him, I watched rubbish on netflix to try and put it from mind to be honest, and visited him as much as possible. But in times where I am not in the hospital, I did my own thing.

I have issues with porn in general though and do have a bit of a negative reaction to anyone who watches it. But thats my issue really.

So yeah, YABU. But, I do get where you are coming from. I just think its a bit unreasonable to be annoyed about a partner having something to just..basically chill with (am ignoring he porn bit and basically seeing this from the 'he was watching crappy stuff to amuse himself' kind of way) for a whole week. Expecting him to be constantly thinking about you and what you were going through instead of ever amusing himself or anything seems a bit wrong.

houseRefurb · 08/07/2019 13:20

OP, YANBU

You had a difficult time with the childbirth, yes, that context can amplify things. But, you are bound to have the feelings that you are having.

It will certainly not harm to have some counselling even if only to rule out PTSD and such.

Also, to consider: Was this a one-off ?
If it is more than that, then, you do need to sit up and have a hard look at things; because, as is often the case, watching porn starts off as an aid (for want of a better word), but can potentially become the mainstay and left unaddressed, yes, can absolutely ruin a marriage!

But, please, OP, do get some counselling to look at it more objectively. You don't necessarily need to justify his actions, but you can certainly learn to move on, for your own well being Flowers

trackingmedown · 08/07/2019 13:22

I think you are being a little unreasonable OP. I don’t watch porn but i do masturbate whilst reading erotic fiction online. It can be a great stress reliever and helps me sleep. I can certainly envisage a scenario where porn and wanking might have been an outlet for him when he was scared & worried about you and the baby.

Assuming that your DH is a good man and husband in other ways (and only you know that, not a bunch of us randomers on the internet), I would let this go and allow his private self love life to remain private.

Eliza9919 · 08/07/2019 13:23

Wafflecopter Mon 08-Jul-19 11:15:15
I think YANBU, but you’ll get people (as I see you already have) saying that he has needs and is stressed. Oh boo hoo, poor him being able to leave the hospital, walk around without being in pain and go home for some normality for a while.
I would be pissed off too, and I’d be asking him why he thought it was ok.
It’s no wonder some men think it’s fine to do stuff like this when there are women basically saying ‘Give him a break, the poor guy! He couldn’t help looking at naked women, he was stressed and has NEEDS!

Having a wank is hardly crime of the century.

NotBeingRobbed · 08/07/2019 13:25

Leaving the house a tip while you’re in hospital (presumably for you to tidy when you return frail and weak) is also a massive red flag. I think it wasn’t the OP this happened to but others.

Maybe as women we should ask what we want from a partner - someone loving and supportive or a man who treats us as a sex object and domestic servant. Personally, I don’t ever wish to be treated like this. And I won’t be. What if women’s liberation if not the right to live as we wish? I’d rather die alone than be treated like that.

houseRefurb · 08/07/2019 13:27

I am truly astonished at the number of people who seem to think it is ok for men to watch porn !!

Stress-relief, seriously?! Yes, if that has become your routine stress relief, ..thats what you will end up doing.

Why, why, has this become so normal?

There have been numerous studies showing the impact it causes. Sex addiction, poor relationships, twisted views of sex in the context of couples, objectification of women and the list goes on.

Surely, it is not acceptable while being in a marriage/relationship?
That it is more commonplace than anyone would acknowledge is besides the point. It still doesn't make it normal/acceptable?

I would really like to hear you ladies tell me why you think its ok

NotBeingRobbed · 08/07/2019 13:30

The porn industry makes a vast amount of money. So it could easily afford to pay for some pro-porn postings on MN. Just a thought.

The money spent on porn is usually taken from the pockets of wives and children who needed it to pay for groceries, clothing, heating, lightning, housing. Lovely habit.

ghostofharrenhal · 08/07/2019 13:34

Yep. And add to that the terrible crim of people trafficking which is connected to the porn industry. Porn is not harmless!

ghostofharrenhal · 08/07/2019 13:34

crime, not crim.

Gilbert1A · 08/07/2019 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fyette · 08/07/2019 13:37

I think you are being a little unreasonable OP. I don’t watch porn but i do masturbate whilst reading erotic fiction online. It can be a great stress reliever and helps me sleep. I can certainly envisage a scenario where porn and wanking might have been an outlet for him when he was scared & worried about you and the baby.

Yes, I'm also a massive consumer of online erotica and am fairly sure I would have done as your DH, especially because masturbation helps me through sleepless nights (and then I need some stimulating input to get my mind off my worries first).

If you have issues with porn in general then YANBU though.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/07/2019 13:38

I think you need to seperate out the issues.

You were in hospital with a poorly baby a. you he was at home masterbating. Unless the 5 minutes it took somehow took away from the time he should have been with you, which I doubt, yabu to object to what he does with his own body.

He downloads and way he's porn. Yonbi to be upset by it, does he know your feelings in it, does it seem like a one time thing? It can be a deal breaker for you if you want it to be, but you have to make that decision for your own marriage.

I do find it odd that he'd got downloaded images in the folder of all your baby's photos, you could have opened them up to show a neigh our or relative so I think as a bare minimum he needs to be more discreet and respectful

NotBeingRobbed · 08/07/2019 13:39

@Gilbert1A yeah, right, because pornographers are such kind-hearted humanitarians who are providing this free content out of the goodness of their hearts. Just like those lovely kind drug dealers who give a free sample..... You are naive. This is hugely addictive and damaging.

NaviSprite · 08/07/2019 13:41

@FrauleinF you’re right it was indeed disgraceful behaviour, he still apologises for it to this day. As he and I discussed and most level headed people would do so hopefully, we all deal with stress and worry in very different ways. I didn’t invalidate his feelings and he didn’t invalidate mine and we worked through it together as in my mind that’s what couples should do :)

As an addition to others on this thread, the porn debate is a very difficult one, it’s by no means new to the world. But the ease of access to it and the depravity of the more hardcore ‘genres’ make it far more worrisome in this day and age. I have a DS and I worry about when he will first be exposed (he’s only 20mo so a bit of a ways to go yet!) and what exactly he’ll be exposed to. I fear for my DD because of the growing disparity between what young men think is normal from porn and what is actually normal in a relationship.

That doesn’t mean I damn the entire industry, but it does have a lot of very dark and very horrible areas attached to it.

Gilbert1A · 08/07/2019 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ghostofharrenhal · 08/07/2019 13:43

I keep asking this question and no-one seems to want to reply.
@Fyette would you be OK with your son or daughter working in the porn industry?

HowsAnnie25 · 08/07/2019 13:45

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, and I would feel exactly the same as you.