Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband watching porn whilst I was stuck in hospital with our newborn

159 replies

Babaganoush123 · 08/07/2019 10:29

Hi all, I had a baby last year and due to complications we ended up staying in hospital for about a week. During that time my husband kindly stayed overnight in hospital with us sleeping on a chair and during the day would go home to shower/nap/eat etc. However after looking through some pictures on his tablet many months later he had downloaded some porn on the days I had been stuck in hospital. So whilst I had a really depressing tough time in hospital with my little one, he had been going home and evidently been having a good time. Thinking of the hospital stay before I even discovered the porn has always made me feel low, but now discovering this makes me feel even worse. I understand it's a thing some people look at, but I find it rather insulting that was on his mind whilst we had a tiny little baby to worry about. I'm kinda just posting this here to get it off my chest as I have no one to talk to, and even though I confronted him about it he didn't really say much..... AIBU to feel so angry about it?

OP posts:
NinjaInFluffyPJs · 08/07/2019 16:05

Pornhub releases stats every year including most common searches and most viewed.

www.pornhub.com/insights/2018-year-in-review
Very informative

JAPAB · 08/07/2019 16:13

Is there some rule saying that you must not masturbate if someone is in hospital?

Or is the rule that you can but you must forgo any aids for the duration of their stay?

JAPAB · 08/07/2019 16:18

“Amateur stuff”? So real people having sex? I don’t know the genre myself....but that would make you a voyeur, pure and simple. Nice.

Some might think that this sort of judgment is less nice than the fact that there are people who enjoy a bit of "dogging" (whether as the watched or the watcher).

NotBeingRobbed · 08/07/2019 16:26

The Russian bots are back.

NotBeingRobbed · 08/07/2019 16:30

*Is there some rule saying that you must not masturbate if someone is in hospital?

Or is the rule that you can but you must forgo any aids for the duration of their stay?*

The sort of comment that could only be made by someone who has no idea about love, support and commitment in a relationship. Sex is meant to be an intimate act between two people who care for each other deeply. It is in my book anyway. Not “whacking off” to trafficked drugged up prostitutes. Which is what they are. As for the “amateur” stuff, I assume there are ads that come with this. So it’s no amateur, money is being made from it and you are paying for sex.

TheBigBallOfOil · 08/07/2019 16:31

before you dismiss links between open and child abuse, or the possibility of collateral damage to children exposed to parents porn use, should perhaps talk to people knowledgeable in the field first.
I would be profoundly uncomfortable co-parenting with an habitual poem user. In fact, I simply wouldn’t do it. Deal breaker.

TheBigBallOfOil · 08/07/2019 16:32

Poem? Porn! Poems are ok - well done are anyway (not too sure about that Larkin geezer)

IncrediblySadToo · 08/07/2019 16:33

Couldn’t he think of anything better to do with his time at home?

🙄🙄I’m dure all of us could ‘think of something better to do’ a lot of the time when we are watching crap tv, Reading, on MN ETC and ‘wanking’ isn’t a waste of time, it’s a relaxing thing to do, maybe you should try it as you’re so uptight.

Gilbert1A · 08/07/2019 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HorridHenrysNits · 08/07/2019 16:42

I don't like porn at all, but as you appear to accept it, I can't see why you feel more bothered about it in this scenario than others.

Cheeseandwin5 · 08/07/2019 17:26

I am confused why you are angry, that he masturbates or that he choose a certain method to do that.
Either way YABU in my view.
As for porn, yes it is very exploitative and I honestly think there should be more help for those who get dragged into it, but there are plenty of other things that are as well, but these seem to be swept under the carpet by the outraged and righteous

JAPAB · 08/07/2019 17:28

The sort of comment that could only be made by someone who has no idea about love, support and commitment in a relationship. Sex is meant to be an intimate act between two people who care for each other deeply. It is in my book anyway. Not “whacking off” to trafficked drugged up prostitutes. Which is what they are. As for the “amateur” stuff, I assume there are ads that come with this. So it’s no amateur, money is being made from it and you are paying for sex.

Blimey. All I did was ask whether it was the masturbation or the porn that was the issue when it is indulged in while partner is in hospital.

And it is easy to over-generalise about porn when thinking about it in the abstract. Outside of the abstract you can quite easily reduce the risks of things like trafficking just by being selective about the nationalities of the performers you watch. Or the level of fame / profile of the performers you watch (watching an unknown Eastern European performer is much higher risk than watching someone like Lisa Ann or Gianna Michaels, for example).

Or just stick to the amateurs. And no, while there are some sites that operate like porn versions of ebay, (where amateurs can sell clips), as another poster has pointed out, on most sites they make no more money than the people you are watching through the steamed-up windows of a car at a dogging event would.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 08/07/2019 17:32

So what are the acceptable activities while someone you love is in hospital, assuming that for the moment you either can't be there to support them or you've agreed not to be?

Work? Cooking? Cleaning? Kneeling in silent prayer? Is TV OK, or only if you watch News at Ten and not Love Island? Is a wank OK as long as you only fantasise about your partner, or are you in hot water if Idris Elba crosses your mind?

j712adrian · 08/07/2019 17:35

Well, most guys masturbate - they either knock one out to porn or thinking of women they work with or live near, and the ladies on Emmerdale have a following in this regard - and it doesnt take a week to do it either, just about any spare 10 minutes will do. The Joy of Sex (remember that!) suggests you try and catch him and take over.

j712adrian · 08/07/2019 17:40

...... or indeed to the gentleman of his choice.

barnyb · 08/07/2019 17:41

That would make me so cross ! I think you have every right. However it was a while ago now so maybe not too cross. But he should apologise to you for sure !!!

NotBeingRobbed · 08/07/2019 17:43

Performers? You mean sex workers - to use the most polite term.

NinjaInFluffyPJs · 08/07/2019 18:08

Sex is meant to be an intimate act between two people who care for each other deeply.

Sex with yourself can be healthy. Getting to know your body and be able to say what you do and don't like is good for people.
I think looking at how sex toy industry grows suggests that many, MANY, people do help themselves. Some just without anything, so use visual aids like porn or posters, some use toy.

Also
www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sex-and-relationships/masturbation

RedPanda2 · 08/07/2019 18:13

If my partner was ill in hospital I wouls probably still masturbate. It's a great stress relief and aids sleep. YABU he's not going to be thinking about you 24/7

Japonicaflower2 · 08/07/2019 18:25

Ach, it is just how men are
Yeh, right. Until they need more and more graphic/extreme porn to get the same effect. I found out my H is addicted to porn, homosexual, incestuous porn after years of semi tolerating him watching it (I absolutely hated him doing so)
Why? Because he needed 'something stronger' and it was all my fault because I wouldn't let him 'experiment' on me things he'd watched.
My 40 years marriage is wrecked, I have zero esteem.
That's why porn is so harmful.

AquaPris · 08/07/2019 18:41

I really don't get why people DOWNLOAD porn - just stream it and don't risk as much malware. Why would you want to save the video? Weird

NinjaInFluffyPJs · 08/07/2019 18:46

@AquaPris exactly. Having porn folders is so early 2000's

TheBigBallOfOil · 08/07/2019 18:46

It’s interesting how those who have direct testimony of the harm porn can do simply get overlooked - or castigated as “uptight” or similar. Women are so heavily invested in defending porn and it’s users, aren’t they. I get why that is - it’s so pervasive, and the propaganda in its favour is everywhere, it’s really hard to look at oneself and one’s partner and face the fact that you’re complicit in something pretty awful. perhaps it’s easy for me, I find porn and its users boring and unattractive. But still, I don’t think I could hide from the truth to the extent some here are determined to do.

AquaPris · 08/07/2019 18:48

@NinjaInFluffyPJs right? Why keep a folder of evidence which could be happened upon by anyone? I haven't watched porn in years but find it very old fashioned and odd

NinjaInFluffyPJs · 08/07/2019 18:55

@TheBigBallOfOil
They don't get overlooked. People sympathised with them. It is sad that in some cases it has these effects, but I dare to say in majority it doesn't.

@AquaPris That's something DH would get a stern talk about😁