Party organisation - is MIL being ungrateful or are we unreasonable?

[verticality]

My MIL is in her early 70s. When she turned 70, we threw her a family party - basically, a long weekend away at a cottage, day-long activities she enjoyed, and home-cooked three course meals every night. The four of us (her two children, and two partners) paid for and organised the accommodation and all the food and wine, did all the cooking, and baked and decorated a special cake (which, incidentally, she was very rude about).

The organisation of all of this fell largely on me and my BIL's partner, at a time when both of us were stressed. My husband and I were having major building work done, and my husband's work was insanely busy, so he was never home and I was left handling builders myself. When I turned 40 a few months before my MIL turned 70, my celebratory 'treat' was watching a concrete floor be poured because we had no spare cash! Part of the reason for that was that anything we had was either going into the house or towards her birthday treat!

I sucked it up because, hey, I'm a grown up and this is what you do.
(However, words were had after this about the division of labour/wife work in terms of families after this. I did have a DH problem wrt to him 'outsourcing' his family carework onto me, and boundaries have been firmly drawn).

So it came as something of a surprise when MIL announced this weekend that she is 'sick of organising her own parties', and that she expects all of us to 'step up and arrange things for her in future'!! The tone was very much that we were all a major disappointment to her, despite the fact that we'd tried quite hard at a difficult time. When we were a bit taken aback and asked her what she meant, it turns out that she expects us to organise not only a weekend away but also a much bigger party involving all of her friends from the place where she lives, which is roughly 300 miles away from where we live! We don't know these people and I am honestly not sure how on earth it would work practically - we would have no idea where to send invitations/whom to invite.

I've never expected anyone who wasn't my partner to organise anything for me beyond the age of 12, and even then my expectations haven't been particularly high. Is it normal for people to demand that sons/daughters organise absolutely everything for their significant birthdays? What is normal in terms of time? PIL have both been retired for ages, and FIL never so much as lifts a finger to help towards any family occasion, despite being 100% capable and competent. Isn't it more his job to arrange his wife's birthday events, or AIBU?

Also: what is normal in terms of financing these things? These weekends away run to a cost of hundreds (FIL's 70th a few years ago was upwards of £700 per couple, MIL's was upwards of £500), and we would honestly struggle financially to organise a big party on top.

This is likely to come up again when we see them in future, so I would like to have some kind of response prepared. I was so surprised this weekend that I was speechless, which meant that I didn't really assert myself at all . What is reasonable, oh wise vipers of Mumsnet?

And if she ever asks for your 'help' getting people presents just say "sorry I can't think of anything!" Stop stop stop doing so much for other people who don't appreciate it, just stop!

Wowsers her behaviour is so not okay or 'normal'. She sounds horribly rude, selfish and cruel. I'd not be spending any more time with her to be honest. And I think you are definitely within your rights to assert this to her!

Also DH and I would be considered high earners according to MN wisdom. We have never ever spent anything like £350/£400 on a present for a family member. For a regular parents wedding anniversary we'd do a card and if it was a big anniversary or a special family birthday, we'd probably spend £50-100! on a present contribution per sibling. As far as I know this is the norm amongst our friends!

Also, PLEASE let us know how the convo about her behaviour and you not going for Xmas goes! Word for word if you can

I therefore effectively have to do all the mental work of finding an extra gift for her to give him!! I send an idea (usually around £40) with a link to buy it online so literally all she has to do is to decide, click and pay

Send a load of suggestions within the £400 range this year.

She’s sounds awful!

In a way she has done you a favour by behaving like that at the party, she’s let her mask slip for all to see.

If she asks about a gift for DH, just forward it onto DH. I also, wouldn’t see them at Christmas and disengage completely in any birthday etc from now on.

Thank you everyone for the responses. This thread has been remarkable - I've laughed and cried in equal measures! Thank you all for sharing your stories, thoughts, and outrage (especially the outrage)

@Lipz your story about your MIL crying like that is so touching.

"When I gave her the necklace she asked where the matching earrings were?"

@Sceptre86. Maybe we should introduce your MIL to my MIL. They would get along like a house on fire!! Either that, or they'd kill each other.

"Does anybody ever do anything for you OP?"

@RevealtheLegend This question took me by surprise. It's a really astute one. I come from a highly dysfunctional family, where there hasn't really any support or care since I was about 13. I have become extremely independent and resilient as a result, but I also have a basic assumption that being fussed over is something that happens to everyone else and not to me. My non-existent 40th really threw this into relief. I've had a lot of counselling over the last 2-3 years, and I've come to realise that I have come to expect rejection and lack of care, to the point that feeling excitement or hope about an occasion that is for me or about me is too high an emotional risk to be worth it. So I end up saying "Oh don't worry about me, we don't have any money and I'll be fine with a chocolate orange" because it feels less full of fear than saying "Yes, please celebrate my birthday". I'm trying to change this, but it's a surprisingly scary process to open yourself up to hope in that way. I'm pretty sure MIL is that kind of natural bully who can just smell this in people. All the more reason to have a bit of a break from her after this, I think.

I absolutely will update when The Conversation is had! I'm very touched that you all want to hear what happens!

Thank you verticality for sharing your insight - you have just shown me why I am a birthday-denyer for myself. I was at work on my 50th and no-one knew. I was so relieved. I feel the same pain you do.
I fear MIL will never appreciate how very unreasonable she is being, try to take comfort that everyone else can see it.
That cake sounded perfect!

Bluetrews - back atcha.

I never really thought that the 'birthday denying' thing meant much... until I realised how connected it was to a whole series of other issues. Counselling really, really helped me to unravel the puzzle - I can't recommend it highly enough. Do seek help, and do really go all out at 55 (or 60!). You have a number of 'missed' birthdays to celebrate, you know! And you ARE worth celebrating.

Thank you so much for updating us, OP! I don't blame you for anything you've done from beginning to end. I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to have tried to do your utmost at the beginning, just to see if it might have pleased her. Now you know that you can ignore that old bitch in good conscience. That weekend sounds like utter hell. But at least you didn't have to pay for all of it. At least it makes an amazing story! It was enjoyed by many.

[wobbly smile]
Head is reeling.

I am glad you feel better and relieved BUT please tell us that you will never, ever, forgo a week of your holiday for such an ungrateful, bitch, ever again! Nor put yourself out financially.

Just stop!

Despite how she reacted, she obviously loved the whole experience last time and wants it to be an annual event!

Get DH to break it to her that she only gets that sort of party for a birthday with a zero on the end.

Ignore hints, sit on hands. If DH caves, make clear to him that he's on his own with it!

As for Christmas, I reckon don't tell her what you're not doing; tell her what you ARE doing instead.

@Lipz it’s lovely that your MIL was so happy about her party, but it was quite a big risk you and the other DILs took, don’t you think? Some people really do hate surprises and parties and there are countless examples on here of people being really upset because their partner/families won’t listen to them and railroad them into events that they really don’t enjoy.

It’s a bit like a recent thread where someone was saying how much she hated being dragged up to the dance floor, and loads of dance floor draggers came on expressing total disbelief that anyone could hate dancing...they genuinely thought they were doing the reluctant dancers a favour!

@ArgumentativeAardvaark that's not the thread I read. The in-laws want want want and don't want to pay. Nothing reluctant about it.

@mankyfourthtoe I was referring to the post by @lipz, not the OP’s situation.

Oh OP.. I feel for you so much.

I want to come and organise a massive birthday party with ALL of your most favourite things.

What a lot of ungrateful bastards in your life OP. You deserve nice things. you deserve a nice life. You deserve people who care.

DH is generally a very, very calm person. He's very slow to anger, and a bit of a people pleaser sometimes. I'm saying this as a preamble to my next statement, which is that I've never seen him so cross with anyone as he is at the moment with his mother. We had a brief conversation about it last night and he is still absolutely livid. He's not the type to sit around while others work, so he was very much on his feet all weekend with me, and is now shattered and trying to manage a very full-on week at work (he has a very, very stressful, full-on job). So I don't think there's much chance of him forgetting this, or of caving to pressure. Part of the reason I want to wait a couple of weeks to tackle this is because we both need to calm down so that we can deal with it firmly and in a controlled way.

@RevealtheLegend that's so kind! I've also taken some steps on another front today: I've got DH to book off two whole days for my birthday, so that we can make a long weekend of it! I feel a mixture of elated and really quite anxious now. The next step is to think what I want to do, which is the hardest bit because I'm so accustomed to falling in with other people's ideas that I don't have much practice at this. I don't even know what I want, if that makes sense, and I'm a bit scared of messing up and choosing the wrong thing and then finding out half way through I hate it! Also, wanting something feels risky emotionally! What if it gets taken away?

@Bluetrews25 - You got this.

Wow she's a total lion

LOON

Autocorrect fail

Hope you have a wonderful birthday weekend, and, yeah, big hugs back atcha too, verticality. Whatever you choose will be fine.

I know how frustrating it can be when OPs don't update a thread, so here goes.

A week ago, we received a thank you card from the PIL, written in slightly odd, stilted language with a lot of unnecessary quotation marks around phrases that didn't require them. (I'm not being a grammar snob here - I am the last person to judge anyone on that issue as I am always making mistakes! The point I'm trying to make is that the language used was unusual for them - it wasn't their normal style - they don't normally write like that).

They'd also got DH's title wrong on the envelope - again, it's not something I'm bothered about, and it could be an accident. But I wondered after everything that had happened whether it was possibly deliberate. PIL have form for being very negative about DH's success at work - they see it as a criticism of them. When DH was promoted to his new title at a relatively young age, my parents were much prouder than his were - they were really quite weird about it.

Anyway, DH spoke to MIL on the phone last night and raised the issue of the weekend. He did it of his own accord, without prompting from me - I said I would let him handle it however he saw fit, but he felt that it was important to set down a boundary. He has a job where he manages a lot of people, and he's got quite good at having difficult conversations over the years, but I could tell that he was nervous and stressed about this one before he picked up the phone.

He basically went for the gentle-but-firm approach. He said that we would have been happy to help out with the weekend in defined ways, but that it would have been nice to have been asked politely whether we minded in advance, and that it was not OK to order us around without so much as a 'please' or 'thank you', or to bark orders at us in front of other people. Rather than putting me in the middle of it (as in 'You were especially rude to my wife" he did it all in the name of a collective 'we').

MIL was initially defensive, but DH just repeated the message and to give her her due credit, she apologised. Fortunately, the conversation didn't involve any kind of row or argument - it was all very calm.

Result!

Interestingly, MIL blurted out that someone who was present (who witnessed some of her worst behaviour towards me) had taken her to one side and praised me, telling her that I had been really helpful in the kitchen and really patient at dealing with everything. Hopefully MIL is now connecting the dots and realising that this was possibly a subtle and graceful way of delivering a hint about the way MIL was speaking to me. (I'm really grateful to this person for doing this - I had never met them before and didn't even realise they had noticed what was happening to be honest).

Anyway, hopefully this is a positive resolution going forward. I think the point about boundaries has been made, and hopefully in future this will lead to a better situation. I hope we haven't created a situation where they feel they have to stand on eggshells around us, but on the other hand, the behaviour they showed was so egregiously bad that eggshells are preferable to a repetition of it. As far as I am concerned, I am going to try to treat this as water under the bridge and to move on. I don't want a situation where there are lingering resentments and I think it's important to maintain a kind of cautious openness so that the relationship can be repaired.

I am really, really proud of DH for taking this on. I am hoping it will have positive effects for BIL's family as well, who is deep in the FOG and who struggles to raise issues.

Fingers crossed we are moving to a happier, healthier place with this relationship! Thanks to everyone for all the advice, support and general positivity.

I think MIL do her best to trample the boundaries again but I'm sure your DH will be on the ball to deal with her bad behaviour there and then from now on!

It's very hard to tell whether this will clear the air or stoke resentment, tbh. I really hope the former.

@verticality How are things now?