Party organisation - is MIL being ungrateful or are we unreasonable?

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My MIL is in her early 70s. When she turned 70, we threw her a family party - basically, a long weekend away at a cottage, day-long activities she enjoyed, and home-cooked three course meals every night. The four of us (her two children, and two partners) paid for and organised the accommodation and all the food and wine, did all the cooking, and baked and decorated a special cake (which, incidentally, she was very rude about).

The organisation of all of this fell largely on me and my BIL's partner, at a time when both of us were stressed. My husband and I were having major building work done, and my husband's work was insanely busy, so he was never home and I was left handling builders myself. When I turned 40 a few months before my MIL turned 70, my celebratory 'treat' was watching a concrete floor be poured because we had no spare cash! Part of the reason for that was that anything we had was either going into the house or towards her birthday treat!

I sucked it up because, hey, I'm a grown up and this is what you do.
(However, words were had after this about the division of labour/wife work in terms of families after this. I did have a DH problem wrt to him 'outsourcing' his family carework onto me, and boundaries have been firmly drawn).

So it came as something of a surprise when MIL announced this weekend that she is 'sick of organising her own parties', and that she expects all of us to 'step up and arrange things for her in future'!! The tone was very much that we were all a major disappointment to her, despite the fact that we'd tried quite hard at a difficult time. When we were a bit taken aback and asked her what she meant, it turns out that she expects us to organise not only a weekend away but also a much bigger party involving all of her friends from the place where she lives, which is roughly 300 miles away from where we live! We don't know these people and I am honestly not sure how on earth it would work practically - we would have no idea where to send invitations/whom to invite.

I've never expected anyone who wasn't my partner to organise anything for me beyond the age of 12, and even then my expectations haven't been particularly high. Is it normal for people to demand that sons/daughters organise absolutely everything for their significant birthdays? What is normal in terms of time? PIL have both been retired for ages, and FIL never so much as lifts a finger to help towards any family occasion, despite being 100% capable and competent. Isn't it more his job to arrange his wife's birthday events, or AIBU?

Also: what is normal in terms of financing these things? These weekends away run to a cost of hundreds (FIL's 70th a few years ago was upwards of £700 per couple, MIL's was upwards of £500), and we would honestly struggle financially to organise a big party on top.

This is likely to come up again when we see them in future, so I would like to have some kind of response prepared. I was so surprised this weekend that I was speechless, which meant that I didn't really assert myself at all . What is reasonable, oh wise vipers of Mumsnet?

Of course it's not normal.

What is your DH going to do about it? It's really not your problem.

Ah, sounds like your MIL is cut from the same cloth as my Grandmother! You have my deepest sympathies; dealing with someone who genuinely believes that the whole world must revolve around them is frankly tedious and soul destroying. The ensuing tantrums from not being cherished to their satisfaction are ridiculous.

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest!

I would tell her that her 70th is now passed so when she is approaching 80 you will have a chat to her about what she wants to do. Meanwhile she is free to celebrate her birthday however she pleases, but you won't be arranging the interim ones.

What an ungrateful woman! She's unbelievable! When she brings it up again, I would act a bit confused and say something along the lines of,
Hang on, this could end up getting a bit silly. So we have to throw you a £500 party, then we have to throw FIL the same, then you have to throw us a £500 13th wedding anniversary party, then it's SIL'S 38th birthday so you'll have to throw her a party for that...this could end up getting a bit expensive for everyone.
She surely wouldn't be as outrageous as to admit that she plans on doing shit all for anybody else and just expects you to organise and pay for endless parties for her?

christ on a bike ! our family don't even exchange cards, this is totally bonkers, i'd pass it to dh and remind him just because she's an older person it doesn't give her the right to be down right rude and a cf to boot !
my response by text or email ? laughing emoji, heck mildred, you really love winding us up, a two seconds we thought you serious about us doing this party, you must realise it's not practical for us in any shape or form.

Really, really not normal.

People organise their own wedding anniversaries.

For birthdays, friends or family might organise something. A parent who was lovely and who I loved very much might get a party organised for a landmark birthday (probably not a weekend away, though). For a normal birthday, or for a landmark birthday of a parent who I didn't like very much, they would get a meal out in a restaurant with family.

A parent who stated that they were EXPECTING me to arrange something super special for their birthday would get automatically downgraded to the least special option. This did happen to me and I can highly recommend disappointing them with a bog-standard local meal out with nuclear family and no frills. People who make demands like this are the type who will always complain anyway, so it's not worth putting effort or money in - nothing you can do will ever live up to their sense of entitlement. And they're always the ones who do nothing for others and really don't deserve any special fuss.

Just don't do it. She had her big 70th birthday bash, if she wants another one let your DH and his Dad organise it. Tell him to have a word with his Dad and see what they come up with - don't take all this stuff on again, it's not fair.

Deffo not normal.

I would ignore it to be honest.Minimise contact and let DH pick up the slack (if he wants to) but make it clear you don't expect family funds to be spent organising another big party.

I would have thought FIL would be responsible for organising her birthday party anyway?

"I am wondering whether this is 'normal' in other families for children to arrange wedding anniversary/birthday parties with lots of friends? "

Nope-well, certainly not regularly.

A Silver Wedding Anniversary, 30th, 40th birthday maybe.

Thanks for the responses. It's really helping to clarify things.

This thread is making me realise that the root of this problem is that she has a DH problem. FIL doesn't lift a finger towards organising anything for her, but expects her to run around organising things for him when it's his birthday. He needs to step up. He does all their household admin and financial management so he's very savvy, and perfectly capable of taking this on. He would find it a bit stressful, I think - but don't we all?

My mother was 70 last week. In January we asked her what she would like - she wanted us all (3 siblings plus partners and children) to go away for a night.

That is what we did. A family friendly hotel. She insisted on paying for her own room as "you have all gone to so much expense" and she was very grateful for the celebrations.

FIL was 70 last year - MIL organised a dinner for about 30 in a local hotel (and paid for it).

Your MIL is being vvvvv unreasonable.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. Don’t arrange anything for the ungrateful cow again. Let your husband deal with her, she’s his mum!

I say this with kindness, but...

Stop being a martyish doormat about it all. All this woe is me is of your own making.

Your life will be a lot nicer when you put yourself first once or twice.

Why would she want you to organize it if she didn't like the last one you organized? It would be ever so much better if she did it herself. That way she would be sure she liked what she was getting.

My MIL arranged her own birthday party in her home and we weren't even invited. I suspect its because if she invited us she'd have to invite her DS and his BF and they haven't been honest with their friends about his sexuality.
YANBU OP neither my DP or PIL would expect us to organise anything

Um, well, my response would be 'well you can go to hell in a handbasket, can't you? Wanting isn't the same as getting, as you're about to find out'.

Just adding to the not normal chorus. So very not normal. Your MIL has lost the plot!

In my family we all organise and do what we want and pay for it ourselves. My parents had their 50th wedding anniversary a few years ago and invited us all, sons, daughters, grandchildren, inlaws etc on a weekend away to celebrate. We all tried to pay our way but they insisted.

Likewise I had a meal out for my 50th and organised and financed it myself. Your MIL is being completely unreasonable, particularly if she wants a particular type of party for all of her friends when you have already given her a weekend away.

Going against the grain. Did she want a weekend away that you spent 100’s on? Do you have to be grateful for something you didn’t want?
She might not have wanted 3 meals a days cooked and handed to her, why did she complain about the cake? She might have preferred no weekend and instead ask her what she wanted - a big party thanks and then the effort and cash to go on that.

Has she got a friend who has recently had a big party organised by her children? Sounds like a bit of jealousy to me.

Not normal at all! I am 75 and no one has ever organised anything like that for me. On big birthdays we go out for a meal and dc will pay for me and for dh but that’s it! On our big wedding anniversary we hired a Youth Hostel and people paid a contribution of £30 per family and they all helped with the catering but that’s as close as we got to a big ‘do’. Buy your MIL a bottle of fizzy, a bunch of flowers and a box of chocs. Job done.

She's married? Birthday parties are a husband's responsibility, surely?

She sounds a right diva.
Smile sweetly and say “that’s not going to work for me.”
You don’t need this crap

Fucking hell. She sounds like a peach.

I think you can play this however you want. It's extremely reasonable to just hand the whole thing over to your husband and let him deal with his mother. Similarly, if you want to speak to her/email her and tell her what you think then I don't think your husband can reasonably object. He was happy enough to leave you with all the donkey work so he can't really dictate how you handle this part.

I think I would be tempted to send a friendly but very firm email. She really needs to understand that you put a lot of effort and time into her 70th birthday weekend, and that it also cost you a LOT of money at a time when finances were incredibly tight, and that as a result you were unable to have any kind of celebration for your 40th. Tell her that, given the above, it is extremely maddening and hurtful to be told that your efforts were not good enough and she is unhappy with the celebration that you and SIL worked so hard towards. Tbh I would be incredibly straightforward and say "I don't have the resources to arrange big parties and cover all the venue costs, food costs, entertainment costs etc that go along with them. And to be frank, given the lack of appreciation after I worked so hard and sacrificed my own birthday to celebrate yours with what we all thought was a special weekend away, I am not inclined to waste my efforts again. I'm sorry that you felt let down, MIL, but it seems that the kind of celebration you feel would be adequate is simply more than I can or am willing to provide so I think it's best I bow out of making any future arrangements. Perhaps FIL could organise a party for your next big birthday. DH and I would love to attend and celebrate with you, but we won't be taking on any organisation again."

@Namelessinseattle - I think she did want it, yes! As you can probably tell, she's not a shrinking violet who suffers in silence. She dropped very heavy hints both about the weekend and about the activity BIL organised for her. She wants BOTH this and the party, the problem seems to be that we didn't do the party ON TOP. It's hard to explain, but I think they see the weekend as something that they are 'just due' as family, and the party as the 'extra', if that makes sense.

The cake thing is complex to explain. It basically took me ages to organise this because I didn't have a kitchen at the time due to building work. (And, as someone said upthread, I was being a mug instead of drawing boundaries - I learned my lesson). She wanted a proper occasions cake - basically a Christmas cake - and they are about the one thing that I can make better than anyone else. But to do it, I had to get all the ingredients together and then borrow the key to a friend's house to cook it in her kitchen (I promised to clean her oven in exchange, which I did - more work, though!). BIL's partner also spent hours making a bespoke topper for it out of icing, which was absolutely delightful.

Then, when we presented it to her, she basically threw her arms around BIL's partner and praised the topper to the skies and then coldly criticised the cake for everything like a BakeOff judge. Honestly, hand on heart, it was a very nice cake, if I do say so myself. I'd even made space to pre-soak the fruit in alcohol in the one room of the house we were sleeping/working in at the time. I was really hurt, as it was pointed and rude, and I had no idea where it was coming from.