Party organisation - is MIL being ungrateful or are we unreasonable?

[verticality]

My MIL is in her early 70s. When she turned 70, we threw her a family party - basically, a long weekend away at a cottage, day-long activities she enjoyed, and home-cooked three course meals every night. The four of us (her two children, and two partners) paid for and organised the accommodation and all the food and wine, did all the cooking, and baked and decorated a special cake (which, incidentally, she was very rude about).

The organisation of all of this fell largely on me and my BIL's partner, at a time when both of us were stressed. My husband and I were having major building work done, and my husband's work was insanely busy, so he was never home and I was left handling builders myself. When I turned 40 a few months before my MIL turned 70, my celebratory 'treat' was watching a concrete floor be poured because we had no spare cash! Part of the reason for that was that anything we had was either going into the house or towards her birthday treat!

I sucked it up because, hey, I'm a grown up and this is what you do.
(However, words were had after this about the division of labour/wife work in terms of families after this. I did have a DH problem wrt to him 'outsourcing' his family carework onto me, and boundaries have been firmly drawn).

So it came as something of a surprise when MIL announced this weekend that she is 'sick of organising her own parties', and that she expects all of us to 'step up and arrange things for her in future'!! The tone was very much that we were all a major disappointment to her, despite the fact that we'd tried quite hard at a difficult time. When we were a bit taken aback and asked her what she meant, it turns out that she expects us to organise not only a weekend away but also a much bigger party involving all of her friends from the place where she lives, which is roughly 300 miles away from where we live! We don't know these people and I am honestly not sure how on earth it would work practically - we would have no idea where to send invitations/whom to invite.

I've never expected anyone who wasn't my partner to organise anything for me beyond the age of 12, and even then my expectations haven't been particularly high. Is it normal for people to demand that sons/daughters organise absolutely everything for their significant birthdays? What is normal in terms of time? PIL have both been retired for ages, and FIL never so much as lifts a finger to help towards any family occasion, despite being 100% capable and competent. Isn't it more his job to arrange his wife's birthday events, or AIBU?

Also: what is normal in terms of financing these things? These weekends away run to a cost of hundreds (FIL's 70th a few years ago was upwards of £700 per couple, MIL's was upwards of £500), and we would honestly struggle financially to organise a big party on top.

This is likely to come up again when we see them in future, so I would like to have some kind of response prepared. I was so surprised this weekend that I was speechless, which meant that I didn't really assert myself at all . What is reasonable, oh wise vipers of Mumsnet?

This sounds strange, and a little weird, but I actually feel relieved. Her behaviour was so explicitly awful that there can be no doubt that she dislikes me and wanted to humiliate me, and that actually makes it much clearer and easier for me going forward. (Not least because DH also saw it very clearly).

As she gets older and frailer she’s going to be expecting you to be her carer/skivvy/commode emptier.

I would get DH to have a word with her about her behaviour, I also wouldn’t do a weekend away celebration again, just get DH to book avenue and get MIL to provide a guest list, will be cheaper.

Most people of her age don't expect big celebrations for their birthdays. I had my 60th recently - we went to watch our DGS8 playing rugby, then went out for a nice lunch in the local pub, and in the afternoon my DD produced a cake that she and DGD10 had cooked and iced. That was it - a lovely day with my favorite people. The idea of demanding a huge extravaganza is beyond my comprehension. Your MIL sounds awful.

I’ve read the update about Anniversary party, she needs to be pulled up about her treatment of you. That’s awful

Your husband needs to deal with this directly with her ASAP.

Don’t delay this. Has to be addressed or it will become a bigger issue going forward.

He can be diplomatic and say that you have put in a lot of effort to all the events and it’s coming across that she doesn’t appreciate it or there’s a deeper issue and ask her about it in a non confrontational way.

But to not have said anything at all at any point makes your husband sound like he’s a bit of a doormat too.

Wtaf! She's a right cow. And i'm sure many of her friends will have gathered that now too. How embarrassing for her! You needn't lift a finger for her ever again, and she needs to know it. I'm fuming on your behalf!

we agreed that the next time we are in a family group and she issues a peremptory order, I will (gently but firmly) add "please" at the end of the sentence to point out her utter lack of manners.

I like it! Also, next time she summons you to act as her slave, explain very clearly why that isn't going to happen.

My widowed mother just threw her own 80th birthday party for about 80 people.

I contributed to the food and arranged some games and activities (as did many other of her fri nods and relatives) but she was definitely the organiser.

Probably there are different norms and cultures in different families though. I'd perhaps mention to her that she hasn't thrown any parties for you or DH and that you feel she has been ungrateful in appreciating your considerable efforts and expense for celebrating her events.

Say that in the future she and FIL should take responsibility and arrange their own parties as this way their expectations can be met and you will not feel unappreciated.

YANBU both my MIL (weekend away) and my mother (party in church hall) organised and paid for their own 70th birthday events.

@Snog I wondered if it was a culture thing too, and asked DH about that. PIL never threw parties for their own parents, so this is very much a 'new' expectation in the family. It is also one that comes with odd expectations because it's very distinctly aspirational in comparison to what you might expect. PIL are lower middle class by education and profession (they'd be C1 in the NRS statistics; they worked in junior managerial/administrative roles), but have benefitted from several inheritances, due to being the only children of a wider family. I wonder if MIL thinks that grand, rich ladies behave this way to their daughters in law!!

Your mother sounds amazing, by the way. I do hope I'm like that when I'm 80!

@ShippingNews You sound like a woman after my own heart! MIL just isn't the same. She may be 70, but she has never had a day of serious illness in her life - she's got the vigour, build, and lungs of a sergeant major! During the charge of the light brigade down the valley of death, such qualities would have been invaluable; a little more charm and politeness, however, would have gone a long way this weekend.

What everyone else said; plus, £700 is an absolute fortune!!

Entitled old bat. Would tell her so.

This is crackers, not your responsibility at all. I am coming up 70 and would be horrified if my family organised anything. If I want to celebrate anything I will do it myself thank you. Anniversaries are between the couple only and birthdays are just birthdays, big deal

My god she sounds awful

I really dont t understand why you didn’t say something at the time, why did you let her treat you this way?

Oh my goodness, please don't spend Christmas, or any more of your money, with that woman. Life is too short to put up with being treated so poorly.

Rather than waiting for a moment to throw in a passive-aggressive “please”, which may well go completely over her head, your DH should be planning to have a clear word with her about how she treated you. Fair enough to wait a little while rather than do it there and then at the party but he owes this to you, surely?

Separately, does MIL insist on manners from your children and prompt them to be (as grandparents often do). You might want to point out the irony there if she does.

@doodleygirl DH thought so too, and wanted to have a word. It was me who stopped him. I know her behaviour was utterly unacceptable, but I didn't want to sour their special anniversary weekend, and there was no private place to draw her to one side and have a quiet word. It was a very unusual house architecturally, and with 12 house guests staying over there was always someone present. I'm not one for airing dirty laundry in public! I will absolutely be drawing a line the next time she barks an order at me in a more private situation. I think/hope that most of those who were there registered her lack of courtesy and manners.

And I don’t know what Mumsnet you read, but my sense of this place is that it is mostly populated by fairly frugal, sensible people, the vast majority of whom are not at all well off, and who would appalled at spending £700 on a present for the in-laws (if it was even remotely within their ability to do so). Where on earth have you got the impression that MN would think you stingy for only spending £700?!

@ArgumentativeAardvaark Yes - that's very much the plan - the "please" will be the opening for a clearer and fuller discussion, led by DH who is absolutely up for taking it on!! However, I actually really hope this isn't at Christmas. I think I've had enough of them for quite a few months.

Did your DH not say something to his mum along the lines of .... i noticed how hard verticality worked this weekend and that you haven’t said thank you?
I wouldn’t be turning up for anything in the future unless it’s planned/paid for and you will be treated as a guest and even then only if I wanted to.

You are clearly a very nice person to have put her feelings ahead of yours and stopped your DH from raising it at the time. I agree that would have backfired anyway and you’d have been accused of making her weekend all about you.

But I still don’t get why you have to jump straight from “don’t spoil the weekend” to “Make her say “please” next time she asks rudely”?

Would having a clear word now not be a better compromise?

Cross post, sorry!