Party organisation - is MIL being ungrateful or are we unreasonable?

[verticality]

My MIL is in her early 70s. When she turned 70, we threw her a family party - basically, a long weekend away at a cottage, day-long activities she enjoyed, and home-cooked three course meals every night. The four of us (her two children, and two partners) paid for and organised the accommodation and all the food and wine, did all the cooking, and baked and decorated a special cake (which, incidentally, she was very rude about).

The organisation of all of this fell largely on me and my BIL's partner, at a time when both of us were stressed. My husband and I were having major building work done, and my husband's work was insanely busy, so he was never home and I was left handling builders myself. When I turned 40 a few months before my MIL turned 70, my celebratory 'treat' was watching a concrete floor be poured because we had no spare cash! Part of the reason for that was that anything we had was either going into the house or towards her birthday treat!

I sucked it up because, hey, I'm a grown up and this is what you do.
(However, words were had after this about the division of labour/wife work in terms of families after this. I did have a DH problem wrt to him 'outsourcing' his family carework onto me, and boundaries have been firmly drawn).

So it came as something of a surprise when MIL announced this weekend that she is 'sick of organising her own parties', and that she expects all of us to 'step up and arrange things for her in future'!! The tone was very much that we were all a major disappointment to her, despite the fact that we'd tried quite hard at a difficult time. When we were a bit taken aback and asked her what she meant, it turns out that she expects us to organise not only a weekend away but also a much bigger party involving all of her friends from the place where she lives, which is roughly 300 miles away from where we live! We don't know these people and I am honestly not sure how on earth it would work practically - we would have no idea where to send invitations/whom to invite.

I've never expected anyone who wasn't my partner to organise anything for me beyond the age of 12, and even then my expectations haven't been particularly high. Is it normal for people to demand that sons/daughters organise absolutely everything for their significant birthdays? What is normal in terms of time? PIL have both been retired for ages, and FIL never so much as lifts a finger to help towards any family occasion, despite being 100% capable and competent. Isn't it more his job to arrange his wife's birthday events, or AIBU?

Also: what is normal in terms of financing these things? These weekends away run to a cost of hundreds (FIL's 70th a few years ago was upwards of £700 per couple, MIL's was upwards of £500), and we would honestly struggle financially to organise a big party on top.

This is likely to come up again when we see them in future, so I would like to have some kind of response prepared. I was so surprised this weekend that I was speechless, which meant that I didn't really assert myself at all . What is reasonable, oh wise vipers of Mumsnet?

The £700 is between two couples, so it was really £350 each. Plus the cost of alcoholic contributions to the party, which was another £50 each, maybe a bit more. It's still a lot of money for both couples and I think both of us made sacrifices to get it together. (We gave up a week of holiday!) But it was brushed aside as if it were nothing.

I'm pretty sure they wanted us to foot the bill for the entire thing, which would have been something approaching £5k I think - way out of reach for us, anyway.

'I think the word you're looking for is please, MIL?'
'Now, now MIL, you shouldn't speak to me like that when I will be choosing your nursing home!' and sooner than you think you rude cow
I admire your admirable restraint, OP. At least she has really shown herself up now.

I think you might as well have 'doormat' stamped on your forehead. You knew how rude she is and you completely facilitated her doing to you again. This is entirely your own doing.

No, I don't believe I have 'doormat' stamped on me. I chose not to deal with it in public during their anniversary weekend, because I didn't feel it was appropriate to air in public, and they are not reasonable people who will be able to take this on board without causing a massive scene. And, as a PP wisely said, they would accuse me of 'ruining their day'.

But it absolutely will be dealt with at a more opportune and private moment. I am giving myself permission to spend Christmas with my family and friends instead. It's a real relief to think I won't have to see them! When they ask why, DH can explain: this will hopefully connect the dots of cause and effect for them, so that they understand that there are real life consequences to behaving in this way.

It will be a great relief not to spend Christmas with her. But if she dislikes you so much, it won't particularly bother her that you're not there, surely? Or will she miss not having you to boss around? She sounds absolutely vile, and I'm glad the wider party saw it.

I would be talking to her DH or getting your husband to do so.
Tell him that you’re surprised she wants another party as you did her a family get together.
You’re sure he won’t want her disappointed so he’d better get organising!

This is entirely your own doing.
Wow, victim blaming! The only person to blame for this MIL's awful behaviour is the MIL herself. She sounds dreadful. OP, after what you describe, I'd find it hard to be in the same room as her and think I'd be giving all future engagements in her company a wide berth!!

"But if she dislikes you so much, it won't particularly bother her that you're not there, surely?"

I doubt she'll miss me at all! She will miss DH though!

DH thought so too, and wanted to have a word. It was me who stopped him. I know her behaviour was utterly unacceptable, but I didn't want to sour their special anniversary weekend, and there was no private place to draw her to one side and have a quiet word.

I understand that completely and I think you made the right decision. However, I do think the situation should be addressed now while the occasion is fresh in the memory rather than waiting until you are next with them, potentially several months hence, when she may claim not to remember how she behaved.

IMO a call or email from your DH along the lines of:
"We did not say anything at the time as we did not want to spoil your weekend and embarrass you in front of your guests, however your behaviour towards verticality was appalling. Rude, ungrateful and thoroughly out of order. Etc. "

DH, I, BIL and SIL clubbed together and bought what is (for our budgets) a fairly expensive present (£700). I realise this isn't much by Mumsnet wealth standards, but none of us are in super high paid jobs

You lost my sympathy a bit with this remark, which is ridiculous.

And I don't think it's victim-blaming to express my surprise that you did all this at the party after her vile attitude to the birthday weekend and especially the cake.

Not normal. In our families (different parts of the country and different finances) its normal as you get older to be the one treating everyone else to a meal or party.

Dad's 70th I dont think we celebrated.
My dps 40th anniversary they organised and paid for a restaurant meal party for family and friends.
Mums 70th restaurant meal with family she booked and paid for, as a gift me dsis and cousin took her gor afternoon tea somewhere swanky.
MIL paid for a restaurant meal with family and friends for hers and FILs 65ths separate events.
Their 40th anniversary they had a catered garden party which they organised and paid for.

I only know of surprise parties where the host didnt pay.

Most people's parents out our ages (40s) have more money than their dc and happy to shell out.

Congratulations, OP, on having such a lovely relationship with your SIL! you both sound lovely.

That shines out.

Tell her straight - you've made it abundantly clear that whatever I do and however much I spend, it's not good enough for you. You've also made it obvious that you don't like me and you treat me like a servant, so why on earth do you think I'd want to be involved in hosting a party for you in the future?

Some people make victims of themselves. There was no need to spend so much money (or any) on a present. Or buy alcohol for the party. No need to assist at all - that choice was on you. You knew what she was like and decided to get involved anyway. It's shouldn't really be a surprise to you that nasty people behaved nastily.
If you weren't willing to make a scene during the party, then you ought to just have left. They deserved to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I think you'll probably leave this alone now and not say anything and then the next family occasion will roll around and nothing will have changed.

Oh, my SIL is absolutely wonderful - she is a truly funny, sweet, giving, talented person who copes much better than I do with the whole situation, though she is often upset by them also! She's more socially outgoing than me, and loved by everyone she meets. I'm much more the quiet type. BIL is also really lovely, but very much in the FOG with regard to PIL's behaviour, even when it upsets SIL. He's of that 'put up and shut up' mentality, whereas DH is more interventional and perhaps a bit more protective too.

@5foot5 - I hear you about striking when the iron is hot. I do think the conversation needs to be had in the next few weeks, probably when Christmas plans are mooted, which will be the next month or so.

(Right now, I just want a total break from them for a couple of weeks! My father's 70th and my DH's birthday are both early October, so I want to focus my energies positively on those dates!)

She sounds horrendous, my sympathies.

I think some posters are pointing out that your lack of assertiveness has exacerbated the issue. You sound lovely, as does your SIL - but no one has the right to treat you the way you have been treated.

Put your foot firmly down, get some boundaries in place ( I can't believe you sacrificed a weeks holiday so you could buy an expensive present for such an ungrateful pair), and protect yourselves from any future disgusting behaviour from your DH's entitled parents.

Good luck.

Outrageous! You're completely right to feel aggrieved about this behaviour. What was your FIL's reaction to how you were treated, by the way?

Weird but I do think it IS a thing to throw parties for parents in parts of England. My PIL have been to many of such parties and indeed we threw them one for a big birthday. While they liked it, we note that they explicitly ask us not to do it again and then bring us all away on the date . Much nicer for all..

Send her this for a Christmas present!

"I think some posters are pointing out that your lack of assertiveness has exacerbated the issue."

Yes, I think this is true and both DH and I agree it is time it was addressed. I think previously I have been (wrongly) hesitating about what was 'normal' and what wasn't - in spite of very clear answers on this thread! Having experienced a solid weekend's worth of contemptuous behaviour, I'm now absolutely clear in my own mind about my right to set boundaries, and about the need to do so. Hence the resolutions:

• to have a firm word about the way in which she speaks to me
• not to spend Christmas with them this year
• and not to organise ANY further events or parties for any further birthdays or anniversaries! I don't mind spending a day taking them out somewhere nice and then paying for a meal, but I'm not doing a whole weekend and definitely not a party with other people.

@Ghostontoast I nearly spat out my tea laughing!!

My MIL was well known for her ‘frankness’ aka downright rudeness at times. I had a stony face that would freeze the room when it was directed at me. If she upset me I would simply avoid her for as long as it took for her to notice I wasn’t around.

We actually had a great relationship, she was just way to ‘honest’ and critical at times.

I can’t understand why you are contemplating ‘next times’ and Christmas? Get annoyed. Assert yourself. Don’t but any more expensive gifts, it will hurt less if she is indifferent to a cheaper present.

When she makes her demands, just reply, no we can’t do that. And definitely get DH to tell FIL to step up and to tell his mother in no uncertain terms that she has offended you both and you are taking a break from her company for a while.

or maybe this one

When it was my 50th, I was pretty miffed that DH didn't even organise a meal out but I certainly wouldn't expect anyone else to bother.
I'm fuming on your behalf OP.
Definitely don't visit at Christmas and leave it to just sending a simple card.

She sounds a real treasure.

What you did sounds lovely OP! And I assure you that virtually anyone else would have had a lovely time!

We had my great-aunties 90th a couple of years ago. She decided she wanted a big family meal. She booked a venue, got caterers, and afterwards we all trooped back to her house for tea and cakes made by her kids. She paid for the whole lot. Her argument being, "I'll be dead soon anyway!"

She's 93 next month. :)