Party organisation - is MIL being ungrateful or are we unreasonable?

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My MIL is in her early 70s. When she turned 70, we threw her a family party - basically, a long weekend away at a cottage, day-long activities she enjoyed, and home-cooked three course meals every night. The four of us (her two children, and two partners) paid for and organised the accommodation and all the food and wine, did all the cooking, and baked and decorated a special cake (which, incidentally, she was very rude about).

The organisation of all of this fell largely on me and my BIL's partner, at a time when both of us were stressed. My husband and I were having major building work done, and my husband's work was insanely busy, so he was never home and I was left handling builders myself. When I turned 40 a few months before my MIL turned 70, my celebratory 'treat' was watching a concrete floor be poured because we had no spare cash! Part of the reason for that was that anything we had was either going into the house or towards her birthday treat!

I sucked it up because, hey, I'm a grown up and this is what you do.
(However, words were had after this about the division of labour/wife work in terms of families after this. I did have a DH problem wrt to him 'outsourcing' his family carework onto me, and boundaries have been firmly drawn).

So it came as something of a surprise when MIL announced this weekend that she is 'sick of organising her own parties', and that she expects all of us to 'step up and arrange things for her in future'!! The tone was very much that we were all a major disappointment to her, despite the fact that we'd tried quite hard at a difficult time. When we were a bit taken aback and asked her what she meant, it turns out that she expects us to organise not only a weekend away but also a much bigger party involving all of her friends from the place where she lives, which is roughly 300 miles away from where we live! We don't know these people and I am honestly not sure how on earth it would work practically - we would have no idea where to send invitations/whom to invite.

I've never expected anyone who wasn't my partner to organise anything for me beyond the age of 12, and even then my expectations haven't been particularly high. Is it normal for people to demand that sons/daughters organise absolutely everything for their significant birthdays? What is normal in terms of time? PIL have both been retired for ages, and FIL never so much as lifts a finger to help towards any family occasion, despite being 100% capable and competent. Isn't it more his job to arrange his wife's birthday events, or AIBU?

Also: what is normal in terms of financing these things? These weekends away run to a cost of hundreds (FIL's 70th a few years ago was upwards of £700 per couple, MIL's was upwards of £500), and we would honestly struggle financially to organise a big party on top.

This is likely to come up again when we see them in future, so I would like to have some kind of response prepared. I was so surprised this weekend that I was speechless, which meant that I didn't really assert myself at all . What is reasonable, oh wise vipers of Mumsnet?

Agree with the mismatch of expectations here, she wanted a party to show off with her friends in attendance and you organised a family weekend.

Thinking back to the last big party we had for someone of a similar age, their children did help with the organising but they (birthday celebrant) paid for it and invited the guests (or at least gave their children a list so they could issue invitations).

So if your MIL wants a big party for her wedding anniversary (I'm guessing golden) then I would expect her and FIL to do most of the work and meet the cost tbh.

As PP have also suspected, I think this is more about being able to say to their friends what their family does for them. If this is new, then I'd be wondering why it has come up now.

Reply with "LOL! You had me there for a minute MiL. I think you sent this to the wrong people. FiL is who should be organizing your anniversary celebrations. LOL, you are a card so you are.
Anyway, when he's organized it, let us know when and where and we'll show up. We'll need plenty of advance knowledge so that we can arrange the necessary childcare/accommodation/travel. Looking forward to it!"

OR
the suggested reply that @CalmdownJanet has come up with is perfect!

unless it's a surprise party - and they are usually a one-off - adults organise their own party, pay for them themselves and ask for a party planner if needed.

I would just ask her son to deal with the reply. If you want to keep the peace, "I would love to help but I haven't got the time, sorry" will be enough.

and don't bother wasting time making another cake for her ever.

Lesson absolutely learned on that heatwave! Never again, for ANY of this!

How do you normally communicate. If there's is a joint WhatsApp or Facebook or similar than this from pp is perfect.

I don't have the resources to arrange big parties and cover all the venue costs, food costs, entertainment costs etc that go along with them. And to be frank, given the lack of appreciation after I worked so hard and sacrificed my own birthday to celebrate yours with what we all thought was a special weekend away, I am not inclined to waste my efforts again. I'm sorry that you felt let down, MIL, but it seems that the kind of celebration you feel would be adequate is simply more than I can or am willing to provide so I think it's best I bow out of making any future arrangements. Perhaps FIL could organise a party for your next big birthday. DH and I would love to attend and celebrate with you, but we won't be taking on any organisation again.

I think your MIL wanted a party with family and friends rather than a weekend away in a cottage with home-cooked meals. She probably wanted a cake to be bought rather than hand-made.

It's surprising that your DH and BIL/SIL wouldn't know that is what she would prefer.

I would automatically have asked FIL what he was planning for her 70th and, presumably, he knows her well enough to know she wanted a party and would have access to names and addresses of friends.

If the upcoming anniversary is a special wedding anniversary, I'd start asking FIL now what his plans are so they don't have any expectations of you.

good grief I was happy that my kids took me out for breakfast for my 60th! The woman is ridiculous I would remind her what you did for he 70th and tell her that's enough.

If she mentions it again do a tinkly laugh and say to her "I've done my bit, you may speak to your sons and husband about future plans "
Keep brushing it off like that, light hearted but make your point

If it comes up again I'd say "Oh you are funny MIL. I wouldn't dream of expecting someone else to arrange my parties for me. The weekend away for your 70th cost us a lot of money and we can't afford to fund further parties. Is this a good time to mention that I got to watch concrete dry for my 40th because we were saving up for your birthday treat?"

Well if she's so sick of organising her own parties(??!!) she either needs to tone them down to something she can manage or nicely ask for help-preferably from her husband!

Mine have been a meal out with husband & kids for years.

Suits me!

My mum is a bit like this and like you say, I think it's to do with her DH problem. She has mentally stripped him of all responsibilities - he can't be expected to lift a finger for her, so she expects us to "do for" her instead and then gets offended if we don't reproduce what she has done for her DH.

However well you handle it she is going to get the hump, but I do think you should tell her that the 4 of you went to a lot of effort and expense for her birthday and have had it thrown back in your face. Clearly don't do the weekend thing for her again, it's not something she valued.

Well, this has been an expensive lesson for the OP in terms of both money and effort. But at least it has shown exactly what sort of person her MIL is, and that it's never worth putting in more than minimal money and effort ever again.

I wouldn’t be organising ANYTHING for someone who demanded it!

If it comes up again, just say as breezily as you can manage, that you’re sorry she feels that way but FIL is the best person to take it up with, as you and DH (and BIL/SIL) did your best DH’s isung the weekend away but as that wasn’t appreciated m, obviously, it would be better for FIL to sort out her celebrations because he’s on the scene and better places to organise them.

She sounds awful. Sorry!

Her 70th birthday sounds amazing OP. Was she grateful for all the hard work you and SIL put in?! She sounds very inconsiderate and selfish tbh. Take a huge step back now you’ve done more than is expected previously!

😂😂😂😂 she’s being unreasonable. Plus ungrateful and self-absorbed. Does she think you all have unlimited time and money?! This is the kind of nonsense l hear of my Mum. Good on your for managing your DH’s expectations going forward

tell the miserable trout that you'll organise for her precisely what she organised for your 40th

I think your MIL wanted a party with family and friends rather than a weekend away in a cottage with home-cooked meals. She probably wanted a cake to be bought rather than hand-made.

It's surprising that your DH and BIL/SIL wouldn't know that is what she would prefer.

This is so juvenile though, if it is the case. The woman was 70. I would expect more grace and appreciation from a primary aged child. If she had her heart set on a big party then she ought to have communicated that and stumped up the cost and hard work herself. If your family are generous enough to go to all that effort and expense to give you a lovely weekend away, it is beyond bratty and spoiled to have a tantrum that you didn't also get an expensive party. I can't believe that anyone would actually behave like this. I genuinely wouldn't accept this from a child.

She does sound ungrateful. However, you've asked what happens in other families. In our family, big wedding anniversaries and big birthday parties are organised by the siblings and their DPs. Our parents aren't left to organise it themselves. For DM's last big birthday, we organised a party for all the family, extended family and her friends. She contributed towards the costs and myself and siblings paid the rest of it. DM decided the venue and gave us the guest list but we booked the venue and the entertainment, organised the invitations, the cake, etc. Likewise with the last big anniversary for her and my late DF.
It's quite common in DM's friend and family circle for parties to be organised this way. Perhaps your MIL has friends similar to my DM hence why she expects it to be managed and planned for her.

This is not normal in either mine or my husband's family. Interestingly however, two of my friends are having exactly the same problem - elderly (ish) relatives demanding extravagant gifts and birthday celebrations. It's weird.

Time to sit the WHOLE family down and tell them that MIL is an entitled princess and all the men are lazy arseholes and you and SIL are totally over carrying the load? I'd do it. Explain what went into the bday party for MIL, that you got sweet fuck all for your 40th and they can all jam it.

Yes, I like the idea of telling her you'll do for her what she did for your 40th. She sounds absolutely awful!

She sounds like she is going senile. Have you suggested this to her? Don't forget the concerned head tilt.

Honestly my parents organise their own parties. Like adults do.

I disagree with the posters saying that MIL was somehow justified in her rudeness and ingratitude because the lovely weekend celebration you organised, paid a lot for and went to a tremendous amount of effort for, was possibly not what she had wanted. She sounds self-absorbed and entitled and has trampled all over your feelings, and that is not acceptable.

When the subject comes up again, say all the things you have said here as objectively as you can, including both practical and emotional aspects. Tell her that you don't feel that you are the right people to organise her next big celebration and (turning to FIL with a sweet smile ) suggest he might like to do something nice for his wife.

Agree that it should be FIL who the burden of organising these things should naturally fall to, if anyone.

If FIL isn't planning anything, perhaps your DH should have a chat to remind him of all those parties MIL organised for him. He can delegate some of the jobs to their mutual friends or pay someone to do it.

Yes, sometimes children do organise these things but she's unreasonable to expect it. Especially if it's 300 miles away.