Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*Trigger Warning* To send this text when FIL supporting paedophile

266 replies

Milo2 · 07/07/2019 23:59

Just to summarise what’s happened: My husband has recently told me that he was sexually abused by his 20/21 year old cousin when he was about 11 or 12 years old.

My husband confided in his mother who also informed his dad. She told my husband to stay silent otherwise they would not be able to go on holiday abroad to the paedophiles house each year.

My husband begged them not to have the paedophile come and stay but the visits continued, year after year, with the paedophile now staying in another room (possibly in his younger brother or two younger sister's rooms).

The visits abroad staying with the paedophile also continued, often for the whole of the summer holidays.

The paedophile is due to stay at my FIL’s house in the next few weeks or so.

Last week I rang my husband’s dad’s girlfriend and told her what happened (as my husband is scared of his father and cannot talk to him).

Her response was that she feels sorry for my husband - however she doesn't want this coming in between her's and my husband's dad's relationship. When asked 'what about your grandchildren and all the other children that the paedophile will be around?' she replied 'yes, I'll keep an eye on him'.

Not the response I expected.

Today I called my FIL to tell him I know about the abuse and to find out what his view is. (Secretly hoping he had no idea).

He knew about it and said my husband ‘claims’ it happened but that they asked the paedophile and he denied it, so that was that. He doesn’t understand why my husband is bringing it up after all this time.

Since the phone call he has text me to ask if there’s anything he can do to help. I need to respond sticking up for my husband.

Here’s what I would like to say:

My husband is telling the truth about the abuse. You and your wife failed to protect him, exposing him (and other children) to the paedophile over and over again. As my husband was 11/12 at the time and the cousin was 21/22 this means you were aiding and abetting a paedophile. This is a serious criminal offence in itself. You are still continuing to let him stay at your house with your grandchildren. For this reason we have been advised to keep our child away from you for her safety.

I’ll be saying the names of the people in the text but obviously I can’t on this post.

Is there anything else I should add?

This forum has been so supportive. I’m not talking to anyone else about it at the mo so I really appreciate your advice.

Thanks to everyone that has helped so far. I’ll add a link to the original thread.

OP posts:
OP posts:
Pantsomime · 08/07/2019 00:05

Gosh awful - how old are the children in the house?. Can you visit and install spyware, warm the kids, write messages for them? I’m guessing but don’t know that the police wouldn’t help as currently what happened to DH is not reported. Can DH face him and record him? Awful awful situation

Original poster
Milo2 · 08/07/2019 00:11

Ranging from aged 3 upwards. This is in the process of being reported to the police and parents being informed etc.

OP posts:
PawPawNoodle · 08/07/2019 00:16

Hi there - I've not read your other thread so I'm behind on what's happening but can help with the text. Your father in law hasn't aided and abetted anyone so I would remove that from the text, I dont think accusing him of a crime will help matters particularly if it isn't one he's guilty of.

Has anyone professional advised you to keep your children away? I'd word it more in line with your personal feelings if not as it may lead them to know authorities are involved. E.g. 'we cannot trust you to protect our children especially as you choose to believe cousin without any hesitation, and I will not allow them to be subjected to what husband had to endure'

It's a terrible situation and regrettably one that isnt uncommon especially with historical sex crimes.

CookieDoughKid · 08/07/2019 00:18

Oh op. I know EXACTLY what you are going through. You have every right to send it. Tbh after it happened in our little family we lost complete trust. We ended up not keeping in touch with many of hubby's family. We even went to the police.

What happened was a sick crime and people need to know about it. What if it has happened repeatedly to other children? I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing how he was. I'd want a police report and record at the very least.

CookieDoughKid · 08/07/2019 00:21

Your fil had a duty to protect and report to the police back then. He failed utterly. For that is something I wouldn't easily forgive.

Original poster
Milo2 · 08/07/2019 00:22

I’m confused. My husband told his mother that he was being sexually abused by his cousin. His mother told his dad so both parents knew about it and both parents continued to let the cousin sleep over at their house. You say this is not aiding and abetting a paedophile?

OP posts:
Original poster
Milo2 · 08/07/2019 00:31

Sorry @PolPotNoodle I appreciate your advice. I’m just not sure what to write in this text now. As @CookieDoughKid said, my husband’s father failed. His parents continued to expose him to a paedophile so they could have free holidays abroad. What kind of father does that? Even if you don’t believe the child, how can you take the risk of continuing to expose them to the paedophile over and over again? Sad

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 08/07/2019 00:33

I read your last thread, it’s horrendous.

I wonder though whether you will get the response you want for fil. They have chosen to put themselves and the cousin first for many years, with no concern or care for dh.

I think I would not see them again and send a short message along the lines of the behaviour being unforgivable and you have now decided to cut contact. Bit that is up to dh to decide.

Rachie1973 · 08/07/2019 00:33

Not really, no :(

Clearly this man needs removing from society, but your txt carries more impact without the aid and abet bit.

Aid is to support, abet to encourage. He hasn’t actively done either. He’s just put his head in the sand and completely ignored it.

Rachie1973 · 08/07/2019 00:35

I would advise FIL that you’ve considered everything you’ve been told and that, because he cannot guarantee he safety of his grandchildren then you will be withdrawing contact.

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 08/07/2019 00:36

I think the text is perfect actually.

LisaMontgomery · 08/07/2019 00:36

OP, I have edited your original message. I assume you have actually told the parents of any children likely to visit the house where the paedophile is staying?

My husband is telling the truth about the abuse. You and your wife failed to protect him, exposing him (and other children) to the paedophile over and over again. You are still continuing to let him stay at your house with your grandchildren. For this reason we have been advised to keep our child away from you for her safety. We have also contacted siblings so they are aware of the abuse and can protect their children in a way you were not willing to do

PrinceArchie · 08/07/2019 00:37

I’d cut out the stuff about aiding and abetting.

I’d make it clear DH isn’t suddenly rehashing this stuff, for him it never went away. The reason it is being discussed again is because you have legitimate concerns that children will be at risk of abuse and based on past events he cannot be trusted to keep these children safe.

PawPawNoodle · 08/07/2019 00:42

Hi - it isn't sadly, what his parents did was disgusting but not in itself an offence. I don't want to be too graphic as I'm aware that this is a very sensitive topic but there would have to be facilitation of the crime by his parents for them to be guilty of a secondary offence.

I hope that your husband gets justice, I'm sure you will be there to support him in what will be a very traumatic journey. Text his dad what you wrote above with the few tweaks but try not to let him know that your husband is going to be reporting this to the police; he's shown himself untrustworthy as it is so would probably tell the cousin, which will allow him the time to prepare.

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 08/07/2019 00:44

My husband is telling the truth about the abuse. You and your wife failed to protect him, exposing him (and other children) to the paedophile over and over again. My husband was 11/12 at the time and the cousin was 21/22 - You chose to believe a paedophile over a vulnerable child. Your own son. This means you were negligent with regard to safeguarding. By insisting on holidaying with X you were complicit in the abuse. You enabled it. You are still continuing to let him stay at your house with your grandchildren. For this reason we have been advised to keep our child away from you for her safety.

Original poster
Milo2 · 08/07/2019 00:46

Okay, no aid and abet! It’s a good job I’m on here asking for advice.

I think you are right @Freddiefox - my husband will never get the response he wants.

I really need to think about this text a lot more. I want to stick up for my husband but maybe it’s a case of the least said the better?

OP posts:
WomanLikeMeLM · 08/07/2019 00:47

Your husband should report historical abuse to the Police and let them sort it.

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 08/07/2019 00:51

try not to let him know that your husband is going to be reporting this to the police; he's shown himself untrustworthy as it is so would probably tell the cousin, which will allow him the time to prepare

In that case you probably shouldn't reply at all - no contact for the time being. He probably does realize that 'bringing it up' after all this time Hmm means opening a historical sex abuse inquiry but you shouldn't confirm that (the police might raid for cousins' devices?)
I hope your husband gets justice.

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 08/07/2019 00:52

The Hmm face was at your FIL's continued denial/minimizing.

Original poster
Milo2 · 08/07/2019 00:53

It’s so hard because we want to make his dad see sense for once and realise how serious and awful all this is.

Realistically that’s never going to happen.

Thanks for all your responses. We’ll take our time and think a bit more before sending the text.

OP posts:
Original poster
Milo2 · 08/07/2019 00:57

”Your husband should report historical abuse to the Police and let them sort it.” Already in the process @WomanLikeMeLM

Really good point @RageAgainstTheVendingMachine

OP posts:
RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 08/07/2019 00:58

I understand. That's why I thought the first text was fine because it might have woken him up to his part in this. What parent does not contact the police straight away when their child discloses?
The likelihood would be that his wife and him continue to bury their heads in the sand and are outraged at being called out, ring the cousin to try and convince themselves they were right all along and that's no good to you if pressing charges.
In Germany we have a saying : Keine Antwort ist eine Antwort.
No reply is a reply - your silence will say everything.

HermioneMakepeace · 08/07/2019 00:58

For the PIL to 'see sense' they would need to admit to themselves that they failed as parents. They're probably not prepared to do that, most people wouldn't be.

Honestly, I think your DH should go to the police. At 20/21 the cousin was an adult and I think likely to continue to be a risk to children. How would your DH feel if he abused other children? Sorry to put the onus on your DH, but it could potentially save other children if he reported it.

Original poster
Milo2 · 08/07/2019 01:00

...and @PolPotNoodle who made that point originally! This guy must not have time to prepare. Thank you.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread