*Trigger Warning* To send this text when FIL supporting paedophile

[Milo2]

Just to summarise what’s happened: My husband has recently told me that he was sexually abused by his 20/21 year old cousin when he was about 11 or 12 years old.

My husband confided in his mother who also informed his dad. She told my husband to stay silent otherwise they would not be able to go on holiday abroad to the paedophiles house each year.

My husband begged them not to have the paedophile come and stay but the visits continued, year after year, with the paedophile now staying in another room (possibly in his younger brother or two younger sister's rooms).

The visits abroad staying with the paedophile also continued, often for the whole of the summer holidays.

The paedophile is due to stay at my FIL’s house in the next few weeks or so.

Last week I rang my husband’s dad’s girlfriend and told her what happened (as my husband is scared of his father and cannot talk to him).

Her response was that she feels sorry for my husband - however she doesn't want this coming in between her's and my husband's dad's relationship. When asked 'what about your grandchildren and all the other children that the paedophile will be around?' she replied 'yes, I'll keep an eye on him'.

Not the response I expected.

Today I called my FIL to tell him I know about the abuse and to find out what his view is. (Secretly hoping he had no idea).

He knew about it and said my husband ‘claims’ it happened but that they asked the paedophile and he denied it, so that was that. He doesn’t understand why my husband is bringing it up after all this time.

Since the phone call he has text me to ask if there’s anything he can do to help. I need to respond sticking up for my husband.

Here’s what I would like to say:

My husband is telling the truth about the abuse. You and your wife failed to protect him, exposing him (and other children) to the paedophile over and over again. As my husband was 11/12 at the time and the cousin was 21/22 this means you were aiding and abetting a paedophile. This is a serious criminal offence in itself. You are still continuing to let him stay at your house with your grandchildren. For this reason we have been advised to keep our child away from you for her safety.

I’ll be saying the names of the people in the text but obviously I can’t on this post.

Is there anything else I should add?

This forum has been so supportive. I’m not talking to anyone else about it at the mo so I really appreciate your advice.

Thanks to everyone that has helped so far. I’ll add a link to the original thread.

I’m so sorry to read this @ShockedHowUnshockedIAm

It makes me very sad that both our dh’s have been unable to rely on their parents.

My heart also goes out to you re the chlamydia. That’s unfair.

I hope you are both okay?

”It will be worth thinking what kind of relationship you and dh want with the family in the future. Its very very hard. You do have choices, don't think that you don't.”

What would you do if you were us @CookieDoughKid? By choices, do you mean we can cut contact with anyone we need to?

”All you can do is stand beside him and let him know that you believe him 1000%. If he isn't seeing a counselor or going to a survivor's group I think now would be a good time to start.” Agreed @AcrossthePond55

”Yes it is soul destroying, the psyche is fractured by these sorts of things
In many ways I feel the most helpful thing that you can do for victims is to just believe them and accept what they say
All the denial and minimising really fucks with your head, when someone just listens and believes you it can be very freeing” This is what I’m trying to do @Whosorrynow Like you say, it’s probably the most helpful thing. We’re just trying to get on with our lives now and push the noise of the others out.

Thanks @hellsbellsmelons

@Milo2 what I'm gently trying to say is, you are in control of how you want family relationships to be managed. You both shouldn't feel obligated or pressured to meet the status quo set by dh's family. You have one life and you can't rely on dh's family to make you or your dh happy. As evidently they don't give a shit enough to care for your or your dh happiness. So why should you go out of your way to make them happy? Fuck no. You should live by your own moral compass.

My own moral compass is this. There are no shades of grey when it comes to child abuse. I won't tolerate secrets, complicitness or compliance. I care for truth, visibility and managed treatment. When my dh's parents refused to come to terms and worse, refused to let the parents of our dear nephews and nieces know about the perpetrators. That's when we drew a line. As far as we were concerned they were downright dangerous and a risk to all children. I can't risk the safety of my own children in their company. Dh's parents couldn't see our point of view and we decided to stop relations as we didn't view his parents safe nor sane to be around as they still deemed it safe to have their grandchildren in the presence of a convicted poedophile.

And btw, the abuse happened in dh's parents house with his parents present. So it's just as unsafe.

Not present in the room but under dh's parents nose. Peodophiles are very opportunistic.

Opportunism in is the hallmark of the predator
I think they also get off on the thill of getting away with it

We’re actually much happier now. I had a mini ‘break down’ - panic and anxiety- I don’t know
But I had counselling- he wouldn’t
I worked my way through it
We have a child who isn’t biologically mine but I love it beyond reason so I’ve let that go
It’d not dh’s Fault. None of it is
Dh is on a high dose of anxiety meds and we actually get on so much better the last 5/6 years as he’s not the angry man he was
Little things still affect me. I don’t give blood any more as one of the questions is ‘have you ever had sex with a man who’s had sex with a man’ or words to that affect
I just ‘can’t’ get past that
I’d given blood over 20 times so I know I CAN give blood and can safely continue to tick ‘no’ if that makes sense. But I can’t ... silly of me. I cannot disclose that I just can’t
Sex abuse has happened in the next generation too - HIS sibling failed to protect their son - but the sibling dint know about dh .. different man. But my dh felt responsibly for it because if he’d told his parents when he was his nephews age then maybe his sibling would have been less trusting and his nephew would have been safe.
Terrible responsibility for him to live with once he knew about it some 10 years later
He’s actually apologised to him for not saving him
He was just a little boy (dh) who was just so ashamed and humiliated for so long
Best wishes to your dh. You can move forward once it’s ‘out’

”@Milo2 what I'm gently trying to say is, you are in control of how you want family relationships to be managed. You both shouldn't feel obligated or pressured to meet the status quo set by dh's family. You have one life and you can't rely on dh's family to make you or your dh happy. As evidently they don't give a shit enough to care for your or your dh happiness. So why should you go out of your way to make them happy? Fuck no. You should live by your own moral compass.”

”My own moral compass is this. There are no shades of grey when it comes to child abuse. I won't tolerate secrets, complicitness or compliance. I care for truth, visibility and managed treatment. When my dh's parents refused to come to terms and worse, refused to let the parents of our dear nephews and nieces know about the perpetrators. That's when we drew a line. As far as we were concerned they were downright dangerous and a risk to all children. I can't risk the safety of my own children in their company. Dh's parents couldn't see our point of view and we decided to stop relations as we didn't view his parents safe nor sane to be around as they still deemed it safe to have their grandchildren in the presence of a convicted paedophile”

^^ This! ^^

Every single thing you've written here is exactly how we feel. All of it.

Thank you @ShockedHowUnshockedIAm It sounds like you’ve all been through so much. Yet here you are and you’ve got this.

I’m so glad you have your child.

Like you say, none of this is your dh’s fault. He’s a very brave guy and thank goodness his meds are helping him.

Like yourself, I have had anxiety and panic attacks in the past. I know how awful it can be. I also know how powerful the mind is. Anyone can fix themselves through that alone. I’m the proof. However, for some they need the meds to get through too.

I totally get what you are saying about giving blood. Well done for all you’ve given in the past.

Also - I hope your dh’s nephew is okay now?

We’re taking a leaf out of your book and moving on with our lives. In theory we have it all. Life is good, despite what’s happened. We’ll get through this!

”Opportunism in is the hallmark of the predator”
”I think they also get off on the thill of getting away with it”

Sadly I think you’re right. I dread to think what goes on in the minds of these people.

Sadly no - nephew has mental health issues, I genuinely think he’s a psychopath
He had a very difficult family life when his parents split and neither wanted him etc
He’s been in and out of prison and is ‘on a licence’ whatever that means
We see his mum very very infrequently but not him - he’s been done for attempted murder so sadly not someone we want in our lives.
To be honest, I think he was broken before the abuse. Trite as that sounds

Oh how awful. 😢 I feel so sad for him yet I understand why you would not want him in your lives.