*Trigger Warning* To send this text when FIL supporting paedophile

[Milo2]

Just to summarise what’s happened: My husband has recently told me that he was sexually abused by his 20/21 year old cousin when he was about 11 or 12 years old.

My husband confided in his mother who also informed his dad. She told my husband to stay silent otherwise they would not be able to go on holiday abroad to the paedophiles house each year.

My husband begged them not to have the paedophile come and stay but the visits continued, year after year, with the paedophile now staying in another room (possibly in his younger brother or two younger sister's rooms).

The visits abroad staying with the paedophile also continued, often for the whole of the summer holidays.

The paedophile is due to stay at my FIL’s house in the next few weeks or so.

Last week I rang my husband’s dad’s girlfriend and told her what happened (as my husband is scared of his father and cannot talk to him).

Her response was that she feels sorry for my husband - however she doesn't want this coming in between her's and my husband's dad's relationship. When asked 'what about your grandchildren and all the other children that the paedophile will be around?' she replied 'yes, I'll keep an eye on him'.

Not the response I expected.

Today I called my FIL to tell him I know about the abuse and to find out what his view is. (Secretly hoping he had no idea).

He knew about it and said my husband ‘claims’ it happened but that they asked the paedophile and he denied it, so that was that. He doesn’t understand why my husband is bringing it up after all this time.

Since the phone call he has text me to ask if there’s anything he can do to help. I need to respond sticking up for my husband.

Here’s what I would like to say:

My husband is telling the truth about the abuse. You and your wife failed to protect him, exposing him (and other children) to the paedophile over and over again. As my husband was 11/12 at the time and the cousin was 21/22 this means you were aiding and abetting a paedophile. This is a serious criminal offence in itself. You are still continuing to let him stay at your house with your grandchildren. For this reason we have been advised to keep our child away from you for her safety.

I’ll be saying the names of the people in the text but obviously I can’t on this post.

Is there anything else I should add?

This forum has been so supportive. I’m not talking to anyone else about it at the mo so I really appreciate your advice.

Thanks to everyone that has helped so far. I’ll add a link to the original thread.

What do you mean in the process of being reported? He’s either contacted the police and told them or he hasn’t.

I don’t think you should contact him at all with police involvement ongoing. It’s not sensible to become involved in angry texting etc.

OP, I'm so sorry your husband was subjected to abuse.
Horrific enough in itself, but compounded by the response from trusted parents.

Sadly, your FIL's view "...He doesn’t understand why my husband is bringing it up after all this time..." is way too common.
Growing public awareness that CSA has far-reaching consequences is plain inconvenient to those deluding themselves it's tidily dealt with.

Wise advice already being given by others.
So in case it can help anyone, I'll just add:

NAPAC (National Association for People Abused in Childhood)
Their website

Confidential NAPAC support Line: 0808 801 0331
(calls will not show on your bill)
[open 10am-9pm, Mon-Thurs/ 10am-6pm, Fri]

Well-moderated survivors' forum:
www.havoca.org/resources/forum/

WellThisIsShit,
So articulately described. I hope your son is healing. Sounds like you did and are doing an amazing support job. And acting as you did must have taken every ounce of strength.

Plenty of people here telling you what to do.

But you need to talk to your DH about what he wants to do. If he doesn't feel strong enough to go to the police that must be his choice.

I don’t have time to go through this thread properly as have to get to work but have read the majority of the other thread. But can I suggest incase no one else has - do not send any text or provoke his family just now - purely so they do not stop this creature coming back into this country/tip the arsehole off so the police can get their hands on him if your husband is going to report it.

I would also advise against sending anything. Absolutely nothing you say to those people will elicit anything other than scorn on you both. You cannot get them to understand. You will not have them think you're being anything other than ridiculous by telling them you're keeping away.

That's because of who they are. Waste NO energy on them and save it for the police.

I recently reported something that happened to one of my children to the police. It was "minor" but it was put on file. I've not been believed about things that happened to me and was petrified of going to the police, who are an authority figure, like parents. When the police took me seriously, listened, asked questions but didn't doubt, confirmed I was right to report, it was the most incredible feeling. I'd never, ever experienced that. I thought they were going to tell me to stop wasting their time and they most definitely didn't. Focus on helping DH report this asap, that's where your energies need to be, not in sending these arsehole relatives texts (although I would want to too).

You've linked sending a well worded text to standing up for DH. I'd suggest uncoupling those things. Stand up for him by having nothing to do with them. Stand up for him by supporting him to report and look into good counselling, not just for the abuse, but for the damage of being in a dysfunctional family. He's so lucky he's got you who is showing him how people should respond, but he may benefit from individual support too.

But if he really doesn't want to report, that's fine, support him in that choice too, it's up to him. I got the impression that he wants to though by "reporting underway" above.

@Pantsomime Can you visit and install spyware you know this is illegal, right, to install spyware in someone elses house. This isn't a James Bond novel where people have limitless money and unfettered access.

I watched a documentary on the Nassar abuse case where the doctor abused young gymnasts. He was family friends with one family who were also doctors and abused the dd who testified. Horrifyingly the girls father was friends with nassar and refused to believe her and even insisted she apologise to him for making false accusations. When as she left home he realised she was telling the truth all along the girls father killed himself.

I would just text something along the lines of

"I believe X did what DH said he did and because of this we will be keeping our children away from X and you while X is at your house.

We will asses your relationship with our children going forward due to your response to this, and we will let you know in a few weeks when we have had advice from people who have experience in child abuse cases."

Milo2 in our case when we asked the fil to disclose quietly to parents of other children in the family that's when it all fell apart. He refused. His mother had a breakdown and they all completely turned against us accusing us calling us troublemakers. Relations broke down irreparably because they refused to say anything and I wrote emails to all the parents. The staggering thing is that the parents said we were lying even though the perpetrator was convicted.

I am glad I exposed so people can make the choices for themselves and the authorities took care of the situation. Families will delude themselves and deny the truth. I think it's common and it disgusts me to be frank.

You will get through this. Please pm anytime if you feel you need.

How awful for your poor husband. I'm so pleased he has such great support in you.
How about sending something along the lines of,
As you are aware, my husband went through something horrific because of cousin. Now he is a parent himself he understands the importance and overwhelming need to keep his children safe. As always, I support him 100%. Therefore, we have made the decision not to expose our own children to any risk of danger at cousins hand.
Good luck with everything, I'm sure I can speak for many of us when I say I hope the cousin gets punished and your husband can get some sort of closure x

Personally I would be going NC and I wouldn't send anything.
Sending a text won't make them suddenly see the light and if they think you are reporting to police they might warn the one responsible.
Stop contact, say nothing. That already sends the message.

What do you mean in the process of being reported? He’s either contacted the police and told them or he hasn’t. Please!

What OP probably means is that her DH has been to the police and made at least a preliminary statement and the police are gathering the proper resources for an historic report - mainy the right officers, trained to support an adult in such circimstances.

It doesn't all happen the minute you step foot inside a police station.

It’s really good that your DH feels able to report this to the police; can I check if it’s also been reported to social services? It’s really worrying that he’s going to be around children at the house and I doubt your fil or girlfriend are going to tell the parents of the children so they can keep their children safe

I'm absolutely flabbergasted by the situation. His parents are woefully inadequate.

"Did you sexually abuse my child?"
"No, I didn't!"
"Ok then."

Wtf???
Your poor husband. Not only has he suffered abuse but he then wasn't believed by his parents and was further exposed to the abuser.

I’d be willing to bet FIL hasn’t discussed this with the cousin at all. He may have simply buried his head in the sand in the hope it’ll all go away.

Have your DH’s siblings ever hinted at any abuse? Has your DH ever felt able to discuss it with them?

As far as the text is concerned, it might be best to keep silent for now.

Your MIL and FIL failed miserably in their most basic duty of care. At no point did they put their wellbeing of their DCs first. Sadly I can see how this might have happened as the safety of children was often so far down the list of priorities.

OP can I please add that if your husband is reporting to the police, he should give a full statement otherwise nothing may be done.

We had a historic CA allegation made against an elderly family member but as the details were so sketchy and she refused to give a full statement nothing was done apart from trace family members (as they couldn’t apparently trace the man himself) and didn’t even speak to him

I remember your post from before. He's a POS, FIL. He had his chance to help and support many years ago and both he and MIL prefered the luxury of a holiday home.

I like your original text. I prefer RageAgainstTheVendingMachine text about choosing to enable a pedophile rather then aiding and abetting. I would be tempted, given he will just chose to argue, to respond more simply and block him after.

There is nothing you can do, you had that opportunity to support and protect my husband and instead protected a pedophile. You failed to protect him, then put other children at risk. Do not contact any of us again.

There is no point texting your collusive in laws. They are not listening. There needs to be a child protection investigation. Who knows how many other children are being abused in other places. This perpetrator may be known to police.
Stop fannying about, you are doing well keeping your child safe, she (& prob you should be no contact as you don't want to encourage future relationship with deniers). Contact social services, they will support you and dh.(dh can speak to nspcc also). Please protect these other children. At the very least all their parents should know but better to tell social services before everything is closed down. Do it now, husband doe not have to be involved you have enough info. Please.

Personally
I’d be going to the police with all the information
I’d be informing relatives what happened,so they can make their own choices to protect their children ,and possibly your dhs siblings may come forward with allegations themselves,as the cousin got moved to their bedroom.
Then I’m afraid I’d be cutting all contact 1oo% with your husbands parents .

I actually wouldn’t even bother with any such text either..
Police
Inform dh siblings of the abuse
Block and delete the parents

Do not text, you will compromise investigation and warn abuser. Just go no contact. You can vent after social services or police have done what they can. They can trace abuser abroad, warn other families, just cooperate with them. I iunderstand your anger but you need to sit on it for a while and report to authorities

Sorry, other family members may also collude and contaminate evidence. Don't tell anyone you don't trust 100% Just report. Do it today.

TBH I think you also have a responsibility to tell the parents of the children exposed to him if you possibly can.

I think any texts to the FIL are wasted. He's already showed you with his actions that he's not going to change anything. I'd go NC.

But what does your DH think? This must be horrific for him.