*Trigger Warning* To send this text when FIL supporting paedophile

[Milo2]

Just to summarise what’s happened: My husband has recently told me that he was sexually abused by his 20/21 year old cousin when he was about 11 or 12 years old.

My husband confided in his mother who also informed his dad. She told my husband to stay silent otherwise they would not be able to go on holiday abroad to the paedophiles house each year.

My husband begged them not to have the paedophile come and stay but the visits continued, year after year, with the paedophile now staying in another room (possibly in his younger brother or two younger sister's rooms).

The visits abroad staying with the paedophile also continued, often for the whole of the summer holidays.

The paedophile is due to stay at my FIL’s house in the next few weeks or so.

Last week I rang my husband’s dad’s girlfriend and told her what happened (as my husband is scared of his father and cannot talk to him).

Her response was that she feels sorry for my husband - however she doesn't want this coming in between her's and my husband's dad's relationship. When asked 'what about your grandchildren and all the other children that the paedophile will be around?' she replied 'yes, I'll keep an eye on him'.

Not the response I expected.

Today I called my FIL to tell him I know about the abuse and to find out what his view is. (Secretly hoping he had no idea).

He knew about it and said my husband ‘claims’ it happened but that they asked the paedophile and he denied it, so that was that. He doesn’t understand why my husband is bringing it up after all this time.

Since the phone call he has text me to ask if there’s anything he can do to help. I need to respond sticking up for my husband.

Here’s what I would like to say:

My husband is telling the truth about the abuse. You and your wife failed to protect him, exposing him (and other children) to the paedophile over and over again. As my husband was 11/12 at the time and the cousin was 21/22 this means you were aiding and abetting a paedophile. This is a serious criminal offence in itself. You are still continuing to let him stay at your house with your grandchildren. For this reason we have been advised to keep our child away from you for her safety.

I’ll be saying the names of the people in the text but obviously I can’t on this post.

Is there anything else I should add?

This forum has been so supportive. I’m not talking to anyone else about it at the mo so I really appreciate your advice.

Thanks to everyone that has helped so far. I’ll add a link to the original thread.

”Sorry if you've already answered this but how is his relationship with his siblings? has he ever discussed this with them? Is there a risk cousin also did the same to them? You are doing a great job supporting your husband and doing the right thing for your child. His father is a disgrace.”

My husband is so kind that all he does is think of others. He thought about telling one of his sisters but didn’t want to upset her by triggering her bad memories. Even when deciding to tell the girlfriend he was worried that she would leave his dad over it. He said to me ‘imagine your response if you found out I had done what my mum and dad had done’. The thing is that’s because I have very strong morals and I don’t support such unkindness. The girlfriend is not the same character at all. Her priority is her relationship with my fil. Even over the safety of her own grandchildren. We hoped for better but were just proved right once again by her response.

If he does talk to the police they will ask him some initial questions, enough to establish wether or not a crime has been been committed. It is perfectly plain to them that a victim of CSA is telling the truth. Then the video interview will be scheduled. Your husband would be alone for these interviews but you are able to wait nearby. His testimony in these interviews is his evidence. As I say, it is obvious that the the police are hearing the truth.

I honestly think my husband would run a mile if I mentioned being videoed. He’s freaked out enough as it is. I need to find a way to report this anonymously. I need to protect these poor children. I’m so stuck right now.

I think sadly it's only too common for families to close ranks and protect an abuser. It's just too awful for some people to accept and face the truth of what their own loved one has done, or face the fact that they failed to protect a child. They cannot face the shame of it being asexual crime. As a girl, I was blamed for enticing my abuser. That family myth is still perpetrated by some family members.

Her priority is her relationship with my fil. Even over the safety of her own grandchildren. We hoped for better but were just proved right once again by her response
Suspect that this is about money and inheritance to some extent?
Also I think it's about the traditional patriarchal form of morality where parents are always right even when they're wrong the fact that they are 'the elders' means they cannot be questioned or challenged.

Obviously I'm not seeking to exonerate here, this is appalling but also very common 😔

I think that before you do anything else, you absolutely must talk to your husband about contacting an organisation who can offer him support. What he is about to go through is going to bring up all sorts of memories, feelings and emotions that he has suppressed for such a long time that they will overwhelm him if he doesn’t have support from people who are trained in this sort of thing. You sound absolutely wonderful and supportive and you’re doing everything right, but it might not be enough. They’ll not only be able to help with what has happened previously but will help him with the fall out of speaking out now. From what you’ve written about your FIL, it sounds like there will definitely be a fall out and both of you will need support dealing with that

I agree that you’ve done the right thing not sending any texts. I’m not a police officer so please don’t take my word for it, but I don’t think they’d be able to do too much on the basis of an anonymous report. I think he’s very brave for thinking about the police. It might be that reporting the matter to the police is the only way to make your FIL leave him alone. I wish you both masses of strength for the coming months.

www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/child-sexual-abuse/
This link might be helpful. I would suggest that your husband needs counselling before he goes to the police. I had years of talk therapy before I went to the police, so I had processed quite a lot of the experience and was able to talk about it coherently. In the meantime there are children at risk who need to be protected.

Exactly! I said this to my husband after the phone call. It seems like she’s scared of him

It's hard to Imagine a man who's adult son fears him, and who has casually, callously and irresponsibly dismissed his son's report of sexual abuse; being well adjusted and having healthy relationships.

i mean " we asked the abuser and he said he didn't do it so that was the end of it" - .

*whose

I totally understand his fear of his father. It comes from not being believed.

@browzingss

“I know it’s hard for him, but he needs to report this to the police properly - not ‘in progress’, not ‘unofficially’, and not ‘anonymously’. Otherwise the police won’t really be able to act, especially as this is a historical crime that happened abroad, so it’s not like they can gather evidence otherwise, like checking CCTV from last week. His witness testimony IS his evidence so it is vital.”

This is exactly what I was trying to say. Getting the courage up to speak to the police is clearly a huge thing for him. Speaking to people unofficially or reporting anonymously is making him go through a huge amount of stress and anxiety for no gain.

I think he might need some time or counselling to work out exactly what he wants from this.

If it’s prosecution- he needs to fully and transparently work with the police. If it’s to protect others it’s probably best to phone the child protection team at your local police force for advice as to how that might be achieved. If it’s punishing FIL, well he (and you) need to start working out how you can work towards accepting that won’t be possible.

I think that your husband needs to report it, I'm assuming that the cousin does not have any learning delays that could have been mitigating factors, and there's no possibility that your husband misinterpreted events. If he did it once then the probability is it isn't a one off, it needs to be dealt with. The email you proposed is good but I would stress that he would be seeking guidance on what to do because it's disrupting his life

Can I just say re: being videod - it really isn’t as awful as it seems.

You are just in a normal room and can’t see the cameras. I sat on a sofa with a cup of tea (though it went cold, but the thought and care was there). It isn’t as bad as he might anticipate but I 100 per cent respect his decision not to do it if he doesn’t want to.

Not believing someone is a way of saying 'you don't exist, I do not recognise your pain and suffering, I can't see it and I can't see you, you're not there'

Of course we respond with fear people when those in positions of power over us are trying psychologically to obliterate us

Sorry, missed that it happened in the UK. At least the police investigation will be more straightforward I suppose.

It’s so weird what people will do to save face, imagine a family actively ignoring the fact that there’s a nonce in the family hurting other members, just to not ‘rock the boat’. Ridiculous.

Get in touch with your local SARC. You CAN anonymously report, but it won't be investigated, just kept on file in case anyone else makes a complaint about the same person.

They can also provide counseling and if your DH does want to report he should be able to make his statement at the SARC rather than a police station.

He does not have to report. Can people stop saying that. He is NOT responsible for the actions of the abuser. He can of course choose to report, but it is not an easy path to take and may not lead to a conviction. I would strongly suggest he speaks to a counsellor before making a decision and find out what support is available if he goes ahead - for example he may not be allowed to discuss the abuse with a counsellor.

Reporting is a massive step and he needs to be properly informed before deciding, rather than guilt tripped into it.

He does not have to report. Can people stop saying that. He is NOT responsible for the actions of the abuser. He can of course choose to report, but it is not an easy path to take and may not lead to a conviction. I would strongly suggest he speaks to a counsellor before making a decision and find out what support is available if he goes ahead - for example he may not be allowed to discuss the abuse with a counsellor.

^^This. In the end he has to do what is right for him. He should report, yes. But he doesn't have to.

And the suggestion re counseling is spot on. He should get professional support before making any irrevocable steps.

Have you told his sister? Will she be seeing the paedophile when he visits? Does she have children?

Obviously this would be hard for your dh to do, but can he think about how he would feel - how you would both feel - if the paedophile abused his sister's children because she didn't know she needed to protect them.

I'm so sorry this happened to him, and that you are both suffering now. It was wrong, it should not have happened, and his parents have betrayed his innocent childhood trust in them.

I understand your dh's fear, and hope he gets through the trauma and learns how to deal with it.

I only know one person to whom this has happened. He said that the worst bit really, was starting off - talking to the police. Once he'd set the ball rolling he felt easier and easier as it went on (the trial was hard but not as hard as he'd expected), and that once it was done he felt a massive boulder had been lifted from him; though the effects of the abuse will probably never leave him completely, he feels so much more hope now.

I hope that whatever decisions you and your dh make, that you find peace and contentment. Know that we on your threads are behind you both100%.

@Milo2 Has FIL turned up this evening then? Are you all ok? X

No - thank goodness. My husband has told his best friend about it all tonight. This is good as he now has extra support.

Thanks for asking @HappyLoneParentDay

I will keep you all updated on what happens and continue to try and reply to as many of you as I can.

Your husband's family sound awful, protecting an abuser! Sick

I would call the police

Sorry OP, as a historical rape survivor myself, you cannot report a crime against yourself anonymously. The police will want a full report and won't usually investigate unless your DH is willing to go up against his abuser in court as the only victim that has come forward.

I went to the police 4 years ago about what happened to me as a teenager and was told in order to investigate I needed to make statements and testify as the victim.

Another one joining the thread to reiterate that your dh does not have to report the abuse to the police and no-one should be pressuring him to do so. He had no control over his situation as a child, he is entitled to a level of control as an adult.

I think the path to some kind of recovery is justice.
I wonder could he tell his Sister ? she may, after all, have experienced the same. & would be well advised to keep her DC away from this monster.