*Trigger Warning* To send this text when FIL supporting paedophile

[Milo2]

Just to summarise what’s happened: My husband has recently told me that he was sexually abused by his 20/21 year old cousin when he was about 11 or 12 years old.

My husband confided in his mother who also informed his dad. She told my husband to stay silent otherwise they would not be able to go on holiday abroad to the paedophiles house each year.

My husband begged them not to have the paedophile come and stay but the visits continued, year after year, with the paedophile now staying in another room (possibly in his younger brother or two younger sister's rooms).

The visits abroad staying with the paedophile also continued, often for the whole of the summer holidays.

The paedophile is due to stay at my FIL’s house in the next few weeks or so.

Last week I rang my husband’s dad’s girlfriend and told her what happened (as my husband is scared of his father and cannot talk to him).

Her response was that she feels sorry for my husband - however she doesn't want this coming in between her's and my husband's dad's relationship. When asked 'what about your grandchildren and all the other children that the paedophile will be around?' she replied 'yes, I'll keep an eye on him'.

Not the response I expected.

Today I called my FIL to tell him I know about the abuse and to find out what his view is. (Secretly hoping he had no idea).

He knew about it and said my husband ‘claims’ it happened but that they asked the paedophile and he denied it, so that was that. He doesn’t understand why my husband is bringing it up after all this time.

Since the phone call he has text me to ask if there’s anything he can do to help. I need to respond sticking up for my husband.

Here’s what I would like to say:

My husband is telling the truth about the abuse. You and your wife failed to protect him, exposing him (and other children) to the paedophile over and over again. As my husband was 11/12 at the time and the cousin was 21/22 this means you were aiding and abetting a paedophile. This is a serious criminal offence in itself. You are still continuing to let him stay at your house with your grandchildren. For this reason we have been advised to keep our child away from you for her safety.

I’ll be saying the names of the people in the text but obviously I can’t on this post.

Is there anything else I should add?

This forum has been so supportive. I’m not talking to anyone else about it at the mo so I really appreciate your advice.

Thanks to everyone that has helped so far. I’ll add a link to the original thread.

I think you should look into counselling for your DH today. Imo I think even at least one session (to start with) will help him open up to the police when he reports it. He must report it OP.
Hope you’re okay. Open your curtains, it’s your home, you should not hide away. Don’t let your DH think you’re hiding away from his family, he may feel guilty about it.
If FIL turns up, tell him you’ll call the police unless he leaves. Don’t engage in any conversation with him.
Good luck to you all. Sorry to hear this, hope you’re okay today.

OP I bet there are others, when it happened to me aged 9, I was about 11 when it came out, 3 other female cousins opened up after me over the years, they had suffered sexual abuse from cousin too, the police were never informed, it was early 90's, the extended family fell apart.

He will not have revoked his UK nationality,

He knew about it and said my husband ‘claims’ it happened but that they asked the paedophile and he denied it, so that was that. He doesn’t understand why my husband is bringing it up after all this time
Are these people just not very bright, do it not keep up with current affairs, do they not have an education?
Perhaps they think that when someone commits a crime they go to court and the judge says did you do it and they say no and the judge says alright then you're free to go?

I am very sorry for what you and your husband is going through (you are also a part of this now), we are in similar shoes though the abuse here is not sexual, it was psychical and psychological abuse where the perpetrator is the grown up brother against toddler brother. Proper Jekyll and Hyde, as there is two different faces with people like this!

Anyways, your DH is not doing himself any favour reporting this anonymously unfortunately as the weight of the issue for him and what has happened will not get the response he needs or wants. The police will not mistreat him, they will listen as well as react especially as there is potential new victims; time is of the essence. Hold his hand and be there with him, he needs to do this to stop people like this continuing their behaviour and abuse. Let him know on repeat he is doing the right thing. This does help. And book him in for counselling, the more help and support he has around him the better he will deal with this. I second your decision to go NC, say nothing and if FIL shows up at the door turn him away politely and calmly inform you will be contacting the police if he doesn't respect this. Keep cold in the face of them, react when the door is closed as there is nothing to gain with showing emotions at this point. Keep communications to a minimum. Sending you both a big support hug!

@Mix56

”He will not have revoked his UK nationality,”

He’s not British. He was born in the country he still lives in now. My husband’s mother was also born there. She moved to the UK and married my husband’s father. So the deceased mother’s whole side of the family live there. That’s why my husband’s family would stay in that country on holiday for most of the summer in the paedophile’s family home. That’s also why the paedophile and his family would stay in my husband’s family home over Easter etc. In the words of my mil to my husband ‘if you speak up about this you do realise we will no longer be able to go on holiday to XXX. It’s best to stay quiet’.

Probably the most sickening part of it all for me personally. Not to mention the fact that the paedophile isn’t even a blood relative of my fil. He chose him over the safety of his own son.

Your father in law hasn't aided and abetted anyone so I would remove that from the text, I dont think accusing him of a crime will help matters particularly if it isn't one he's guilty of.

... .
My husband confided in his mother who also informed his dad.

Are you reading a different thread from me?

It appears this isn't an actual crime - as they haven't actually procured/taken part in the abuse (?)

One major thing that's jumping out at me us that your adult husband is scare of his father.

There is something seriously not right in this family full stop.

*It appears this isn't an actual crime however

@Whosorrynow

”He knew about it and said my husband ‘claims’ it happened but that they asked the paedophile and he denied it, so that was that. He doesn’t understand why my husband is bringing it up after all this time
Are these people just not very bright, do it not keep up with current affairs, do they not have an education?
Perhaps they think that when someone commits a crime they go to court and the judge says did you do it and they say no and the judge says alright then you're free to go?”

This is what makes me so angry. His fil was a teacher. An intelligent man with a degree.

The girlfriend who said ‘I’ll keep an eye out’ when asked ‘what about the protection of your grandchildren’ when she hosts the paedophile staying in her home over the summer was a pa working in social services.

Seriously - only mumsnet has restored my faith in humanity. Previous to me posting my original thread all I had was those two responses really. Apart from my mum who was also horrified and trying to support us. She is now on holiday.

*scared

Your father's girlfriend is beyond stupid - does she not sleep, does she have 10 clones to be in all places at once...

But then she'd with your husband's dad - who has an adult son who is (still) scared of him, which says a lot about him (the dad) and his relationships.

The implication is that they regard their son as a worthless person, they put their own convenience ahead of the fact that he has been psychologically and emotionally damaged and scarred
I would rain hell and brimstone upon them

@Moralitym1n1

”One major thing that's jumping out at me us that your adult husband is scare of his father. There is something seriously not right in this family full stop.”

Exactly. You’ve hit the nail on the head. I keep saying this to my husband regularly. It’s not normal to be scared of your father. It’s normal to respect your father. Fear and respect are too very different things. I think my fil thinks my husband respects his authority. When I actual fact he fears it. He fears him.

I don't even know why you're texting these people.

You realise you're just giving them - and the child abuser- that something could be brewing, and giving them the opportunity to close ranks, lie, prepare themselves etc.??

OP Sadly myself and and DH found ourselves in a similar situation with a close family member some years ago: Numerous family members closed ranks and tried to discredit DH- even his own sibling who was also abused.
My advice is: you will get no where if you expect a lightbulb moment with your Husbands family- they have chosen that being silent/ complicit is far easier.
What we did, and what you have an ibligation to do is report this to social services ( google ‘MASH’ team along with name of town ir county you live in). Seriously consider making a police complaint as this ‘forces’ SS to actually intervene in a formal sense. Your DH does not have to persue it further if he wishes not to ( my DH didn’t).
Seriously consider going NC- families like this are toxic and dangerous- we did out of necessity and itcwas like a weight had been lifted.
Good luck. X

Sorry that meant to read - giving them and the child abuser- a heads up.

They're not suddenly going to see the light and change their tune.

Or are you doing it to try to protect the kids at the next visit - again, they're not going to change anything.

Contacting the police is the only way.

”But then she'd with your husband's dad - who has an adult son who is (still) scared of him, which says a lot about him (the dad) and his relationships.”

Exactly! I said this to my husband after the phone call. It seems like she’s scared of him too. It’s strange as my husband and I are so lucky - we talk about anything and everything. Obviously he hid the abuse but he had buried it and unbelievably forgotten really. There’s a name for that but I’m not sure what. Where you bury something so deep it’s no longer at the forefront of your mind.

I know it’s hard for him, but he needs to report this to the police properly - not ‘in progress’, not ‘unofficially’, and not ‘anonymously’. Otherwise the police won’t really be able to act, especially as this is a historical crime that happened abroad, so it’s not like they can gather evidence otherwise, like checking CCTV from last week. His witness testimony IS his evidence so it is vital.

NAPAC (national association for people abused in childhood) or 1 in 4 may be good sources of support for your husband OP. Hugs to you both!

@Moralitym1n1

”I don't even know why you're texting these people. You realise you're just giving them - and the child abuser- that something could be brewing, and giving them the opportunity to close ranks, lie, prepare themselves etc.??”

There’s been no texts. Only two phone calls - the first one was to the girlfriend as my husband wanted me to tell her in the hope she might make my fil see sense. The main purpose of that phone call was to help her protect her grandchildren as the paedophile is coming to stay again. Also to ask her to advise my fil not to bring the paedophile to our house this year as he always does. (No we won’t be buying him cakes and welcoming him into our home this year).

The second phone call was to find out the truth of whether my fil knew about the abuse. My husband needed to know. We thought he knew but couldn’t be sure.

Yes this thread is about me sending a text to my fil but mumsnet has made us see sense and we realise no contact is the best way. So no texts have been sent. There’s only been those two phone calls. We are not going to be talking to any family members while this is all going on because as many have rightly pointed out - the paedophile could well be given the heads up and start hiding evidence.

napac.org.uk/
Can provide guidance and support to victims of historic CSA. Please urge your husband to seek professional help as he goes through the judicial.process with the police, which can be harrowing. They will interview your husband in gruelling detail on video to get 'best evidence'. They are very empathetic but it's still hard going, I've been through it. Your husband also needs help accepting the lack of support and belief coming from his parents, who will more than likely never change their point of view. I would not send fil any communication as I don't think it will achieve anything, and it will only help him prepare to defend his position. I've been there too. My heart breaks for the 11 year boy who experienced this abuse, thank goodness the adult man has you at hisside OP. Please urge him to get professional help so that he isn't forever haunted.

Is there anything else I should add?

Yes. That you are going to the police to report this and stop from happening over and over again. Such bastards cannot be in our society and stay unpunished. This has to stop for the sake of everyone.

Thank you @Hopefullyberidingsoon

I’m so sorry for what you all went through. I can’t believe that someone who was also abused behaved that way!

”I know it’s hard for him, but he needs to report this to the police properly - not ‘in progress’, not ‘unofficially’, and not ‘anonymously’. Otherwise the police won’t really be able to act, especially as this is a historical crime that happened abroad, so it’s not like they can gather evidence otherwise, like checking CCTV from last week. His witness testimony IS his evidence so it is vital.”

It happened in the UK. We are talking about 29 years ago though! This is how long it’s been. It seems like everyone is saying there’s no point in reporting anonymously but my husband doesn’t want to give his name. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m going to have to copy all the links to professional organisations etc that you have all so kindly given me and get more advice I think.