*Trigger Warning* To send this text when FIL supporting paedophile

[Milo2]

Just to summarise what’s happened: My husband has recently told me that he was sexually abused by his 20/21 year old cousin when he was about 11 or 12 years old.

My husband confided in his mother who also informed his dad. She told my husband to stay silent otherwise they would not be able to go on holiday abroad to the paedophiles house each year.

My husband begged them not to have the paedophile come and stay but the visits continued, year after year, with the paedophile now staying in another room (possibly in his younger brother or two younger sister's rooms).

The visits abroad staying with the paedophile also continued, often for the whole of the summer holidays.

The paedophile is due to stay at my FIL’s house in the next few weeks or so.

Last week I rang my husband’s dad’s girlfriend and told her what happened (as my husband is scared of his father and cannot talk to him).

Her response was that she feels sorry for my husband - however she doesn't want this coming in between her's and my husband's dad's relationship. When asked 'what about your grandchildren and all the other children that the paedophile will be around?' she replied 'yes, I'll keep an eye on him'.

Not the response I expected.

Today I called my FIL to tell him I know about the abuse and to find out what his view is. (Secretly hoping he had no idea).

He knew about it and said my husband ‘claims’ it happened but that they asked the paedophile and he denied it, so that was that. He doesn’t understand why my husband is bringing it up after all this time.

Since the phone call he has text me to ask if there’s anything he can do to help. I need to respond sticking up for my husband.

Here’s what I would like to say:

My husband is telling the truth about the abuse. You and your wife failed to protect him, exposing him (and other children) to the paedophile over and over again. As my husband was 11/12 at the time and the cousin was 21/22 this means you were aiding and abetting a paedophile. This is a serious criminal offence in itself. You are still continuing to let him stay at your house with your grandchildren. For this reason we have been advised to keep our child away from you for her safety.

I’ll be saying the names of the people in the text but obviously I can’t on this post.

Is there anything else I should add?

This forum has been so supportive. I’m not talking to anyone else about it at the mo so I really appreciate your advice.

Thanks to everyone that has helped so far. I’ll add a link to the original thread.

Well done to your dh and to you for supporting him in making his choices. I hope they all get what they deserve and your dh gets justice, with police and family backing him over the sickos.

Well done, very well done, Milo2's dh! And you too, Milo2.

Oh bless your DH.
That must have been so difficult for him but he's managed to do it.
I hope he can get some support from the right organisations.
You are both wonderful.
Well done!

Thank you.

Well done it's very hard when the people who you thought would help you all close ranks against you and act as if you just don't have a leg to stand on, as if you are a throw away person who just doesn't matter, a scrap of a human who can be thrown to the dogs
It must have been a huge relief to have been taken seriously by the authorities I can barely imagine what it would feel like to be taken seriously by anyone
To have someone that you look up to and respect say to you 'yes this was wrong, you have been harmed, that person should be punished'

It’s horrible isn’t it? Luckily my dh was taken very seriously by the police. This was the case with you too right?

I never reported, it seems too late now I like to think that the paedophile has spent the last few decades worrying about a knock at the door
I have no idea of said person is alive or dead

Oh I see. It’s been 29 years since it happened to my dh. It’s never too late but reporting isn’t for everyone.

*sventhheaven Tue 09-Jul-19 23:46:42
"See some posters are saying it's 'hard' utter rubbish, there is nothing 'hard' about reporting a paedophile."

It is when you have to give tell a complete stranger every detail of how you were violated right down to what when there, how you reacted, why WHY you didn't say no (which will be picked over in the report they write and given as a reason not to pass to CPS).

Gosh it's all so gloriously easy. You're so right.

I'd say people on this thread are being ignorant but hey - apparently it's better to let randoms wander onto the thread and shame OP's DH for finding it hard.^

I absolutely haven't come onto this thread and tried to shame the OP. What I have done is implore her to report and not let history repeat.

Her parent's failed her, her whole family failed her and it's damn right disgusting that someone discloses they've been sexually abused by a family member and those family members tried to hide it. End of.

You're totally right it is disgusting.
I just can't imagine reporting, telling a stranger about what happened, I was extremely young, possibly two or three at the start
I don't see any way that I could just hand his name in as someone that might need to be monitored without actually giving proper evidence?
I just don't know really how it all works

Not only do they just try and hide it and protect the perpetrator they also actively punish the victim, continue to pressurise the victim into keeping quiet
it's very damaging to have something harmful happen to you but other people shrug it off & pretend it's trivial

”I don't see any way that I could just hand his name in as someone that might need to be monitored without actually giving proper evidence?”

I think you can do this (anonymously if need be) via Crimestoppers or the police. Phone from a phone box or e-mail from a library or somewhere like that.

You don’t necessarily have to give loads of details. It is up to you.

My friend once had to report a man to the police. He was stalking her. She didn’t want her name involved but went to the police station in person.

The police were so kind and took the details of what had happened then gave her a crime number.

So although not prosecuted or anything like that the red flag had been raised and the guys name was on file.

Once my friend spoke up loads of others cane forward and he was doing it to them too! We heard through word of mouth.

”it's very damaging to have something harmful happen to you but other people shrug it off & pretend it's trivial”

Your story is heartbreaking and a bit of compassion and kindness wouldn’t go amiss.

I’ve only written the above of how you could report just in case others are in the same boat and reading.

Please don’t feel like I personally think you should or shouldn’t report. You have my full sympathy.

Massive virtual hugs.

”Her parent's failed her, her whole family failed her and it's damn right disgusting that someone discloses they've been sexually abused by a family member and those family members tried to hide it. End of.”

Not sure what was said previously but it was this forum that made my dh realise that he must report.

We are really thankful for that.

I have to say OP you are a rock for your DH, and you are so right about his family and protecting your DC, families do minimise, no idea why other than they can’t bear to acknowledge the truth but a parents job is to protect their children or children in the family which you are doing so well! Some really good advice here especially the PP who said how abusers integrate themselves over a number of years.

Thank you. X

I absolutely haven't come onto this thread and tried to shame the OP.

Lillieloveisland, no? So why did you post this:

It really is your duty, being aware of child abuse and potential child abuse, that you report his person to authorities, otherwise you and your husband are compliant in this person continuing to abuse children.

You also said reporting wasn't hard. It is. I couldn't do it, I'd have turned my whole life upside down, the life of various family members (none of them currently know, and it wasn't a family member) and friends who would have to give statements, and the chance of it even going to court must be slim, let alone the chance of getting a conviction. I can say who and where, but I can't say when it happened outside of a rough age I was. I can't say how many times it happened, or give many details because I don't remember. I can dream he would admit it when questioned, but let's be honest, that wouldn't happen.

I've also seen what can happen if things do get taken further but this may not be the best thread to talk about that.

The police have his name now though, and I think that's the best I can do.

Any update op? @Milo2

In terms of the police - the last we heard was that they were contacting my fil to get the address and phone number etc of the paedophile.

The police said they can’t tell us much as it’s all confidential so we have no idea if my fil gave them the details they require or not.

My dh has now told one of his sisters (who told their brother) and between the two of them they have suggested that their mum ‘may not have told dad the truth at the time’.

Despite his sister being told that my fil has admitted to me that he knew. He also told me that the paedophile was asked if he did it by my dh’s mum.

My dh’s sister knows all of this but still messaged my dh implying that their father was somehow innocent.

Extremely upsetting for my dh who put her right and then instructed her to message their brother and correct him too.

I get the feeling that they don’t want to accept that their father knew about it and was as much a part of this as their mother was.

It’s awful for my dh. I’m feeling a bit down about it all too as I want to protect him, but how?

Bless you OP.
You can't protect him.
It's happened. But you are there for him and helping him through all of this.
You couldn't do any more than you are.
I can't begin to imagine how this is for the family and denial and the hope that at least one of the grown ups at the time would protect their sibling must be strong.
To find out they were all complicit... must be so so tough.
But hopefully your DH is getting the support he needs now.
And I really hope the police can do something about this vile human being.
Keep going and big hugs to you and your DH.

It will be worth thinking what kind of relationship you and dh want with the family in the future. Its very very hard. You do have choices, don't think that you don't.

Of course they don't want to believe that their dad knew and did nothing. Who would? They're in denial.

This is going to be a rough time for your husband. We believe that those we love and trust will believe us. Being let down on that is soul destroying, especially when it involves abuse.

All you can do is stand beside him and let him know that you believe him 1000%. If he isn't seeing a counselor or going to a survivor's group I think now would be a good time to start.

Yes it is soul destroying, the psyche is fractured by these sorts of things
In many ways I feel the most helpful thing that you can do for victims is to just believe them and accept what they say
All the denial and minimising really fucks with your head, when someone just listens and believes you it can be very freeing

I had a vaguely similar scenario in as that my dh finally admitted 7 years of sexual abuse by a family friend.
He only admitted it after the death of both of his parents - the abuser pre deceased them by 10/15 years
He (the abuser) is the reason I am infertile - chlamydia) and whilst the family did NOT know about dh, they did continue to support the abuser after he was released from prison for (believe it or not) child sex offences ...
The feeling of, I don’t know know, inability of being able to rely on his parents or trust them to believe him if he DID disclose fucked him right up