*Trigger Warning* To send this text when FIL supporting paedophile

[Milo2]

Just to summarise what’s happened: My husband has recently told me that he was sexually abused by his 20/21 year old cousin when he was about 11 or 12 years old.

My husband confided in his mother who also informed his dad. She told my husband to stay silent otherwise they would not be able to go on holiday abroad to the paedophiles house each year.

My husband begged them not to have the paedophile come and stay but the visits continued, year after year, with the paedophile now staying in another room (possibly in his younger brother or two younger sister's rooms).

The visits abroad staying with the paedophile also continued, often for the whole of the summer holidays.

The paedophile is due to stay at my FIL’s house in the next few weeks or so.

Last week I rang my husband’s dad’s girlfriend and told her what happened (as my husband is scared of his father and cannot talk to him).

Her response was that she feels sorry for my husband - however she doesn't want this coming in between her's and my husband's dad's relationship. When asked 'what about your grandchildren and all the other children that the paedophile will be around?' she replied 'yes, I'll keep an eye on him'.

Not the response I expected.

Today I called my FIL to tell him I know about the abuse and to find out what his view is. (Secretly hoping he had no idea).

He knew about it and said my husband ‘claims’ it happened but that they asked the paedophile and he denied it, so that was that. He doesn’t understand why my husband is bringing it up after all this time.

Since the phone call he has text me to ask if there’s anything he can do to help. I need to respond sticking up for my husband.

Here’s what I would like to say:

My husband is telling the truth about the abuse. You and your wife failed to protect him, exposing him (and other children) to the paedophile over and over again. As my husband was 11/12 at the time and the cousin was 21/22 this means you were aiding and abetting a paedophile. This is a serious criminal offence in itself. You are still continuing to let him stay at your house with your grandchildren. For this reason we have been advised to keep our child away from you for her safety.

I’ll be saying the names of the people in the text but obviously I can’t on this post.

Is there anything else I should add?

This forum has been so supportive. I’m not talking to anyone else about it at the mo so I really appreciate your advice.

Thanks to everyone that has helped so far. I’ll add a link to the original thread.

If this man is in contact with other children I would report it through police or social services.

This is a horrible situation but is text messaging really an appropriate medium for this kind of dialogue? I would be sending registered post letters.

Shy send anything at all. let the police deal with it and stay away.

A lot of people haven't read your subsequent post saying that this is in the process of being reported to the police and other parents being informed. (And I'm sure people will keep telling you to go to the police because they won't read this either).

@CuriousaboutSamphire

“What do you mean in the process of being reported? He’s either contacted the police and told them or he hasn’t. Please!

What OP probably means is that her DH has been to the police and made at least a preliminary statement and the police are gathering the proper resources for an historic report - mainy the right officers, trained to support an adult in such circimstances.

It doesn't all happen the minute you step foot inside a police station.”

I’m well aware of that. However if that were the case then it has been reported and OP would say so.

Tbh though, from this and the OPs previous post I doubt her DH has contacted the police and the OP is putting a lot of focus on punishing the FIL (understandably, but probably not what the the DH needs)

Since the phone call he has text me to ask if there’s anything he can do to help. I need to respond sticking up for my husband.

"You can help by believing your son, and by understanding why we cannot possibly be in that person's presence, and nor should any of the children in your family."

What do you mean in the process of being reported? He’s either contacted the police and told them or he hasn’t. - what she probably means is that it is all going at the speed her DH wants it to. IF he wants to storm into a Police station and make a statement there and then - it will happen. IF he wants to think about it, summon the energy and strength and support to do this, to think quietly about what he will say, what he wants to happen, what needs doing next - it will happen that way.

What he wants. He needs to be in control here.

What a snippy post. What does it matter to you whether it's 'been reported or not'? Do you want the total ins-and-outs? This is not your entertainment.

Hi OP,

I posted on the other thread as I have experience of this in my extended family.

I agree with others on here who say send nothing. cookiedoughkid’s experience is not unusual sadly.
Go to the police and through official channels. Don’t bother wasting your breath on his parents - realistically there are likely to be no “good outcomes” from doing so. Based on their behaviour to date they are not going to turn around and help him catch the perpetrator (although this is the response you would expect/want)

Support him by exposing this fucker to the entire family and hopefully prosecuting him.

I haven't read the previous thread but your FiLs reactions aren't normal. Could he have the same inclinations as the paedo cousin????

OP _ you need to stop thinking that anything you or your DH say, or do will make his DF see sense. Or will make the scales fall from his eyes.

His DF has a vested interest in not beleiving his own son. If he believes him now, that makes himself a crap father, a worthless protector, and a spineless member of society.

FAR better, to think of himself as - 'it didn';t happen, the cousin is mis-understood, my son is fine, the grandkids are fine, no one is in any danger! I was never needed to step up, never needed to confront, never any need to face up to all this unsavoury business. '

If he faced up to it now - what does that make him? Could he live with the fact that he is no better than a paedophile-apologist himself? Most people would rather not be held up to that mirror.

You will never 'make him see'. He will never go there.

Go NC. Make sure he knows why. Make sure he knows what you know.

I’m so sorry to read about this. You are doing an amazing job OP, well done for sticking up for your husband and protecting your kids.

I would either not reply at all, or send a very short ‘If you are not going to believe your son then no, there is nothing you can do.’

Has your husband spoken to his siblings, asked if they ever experienced the same thing? That’s a hard conversation to have, and they may not even want to admit it, but it is something that should maybe be attempted.

Suggesting he needs to tell other parents inadvertently places responsibility for subsequent abuse on the DH's shoulders. The PIL know and they have a responsibility if they're hosting someone they knew abused their own child. Plus, obviously, the bulk of responsibility lies with the abuser himself.

If your DH is definitely reporting to the police then he could ask them if he (or you) should inform the other parents?

Sadly I think ptumbi has it exactly right. Focus your energies on your husband, not on making his father see sense. His father’s reactions are not yours to control but you can ensure your husband feels loved and supported and (most importantly) believed by you.

It wasn’t anything nearly as serious as this and didn’t involve children but I recently had to bring up some inappropriate behaviour by a relative with a few members of my family. I was really shocked by the reaction of someone I’m incredibly close up, who essentially didn’t want to know and was very quick to dismiss it. She did change her tune slightly after further discussion but she admitted herself that the whole thing made her uncomfortable, and would make family gatherings so awkward, and that she just didn’t want to think about it, so it was easiest if she just dismissed it completely. Sadly I think that reaction is incredibly common and some people never get past it.

@Pantsomime - I can see your suggestion is kindly meant, but I want to explain (as someone with historic sexual abuse in the family, with relatives who I don't let DS see) why this wouldn't work.

Child sexual abuse isn't usually a one-off, it's a process - with the actual sexual abuse taking place after a long grooming period. And it's not just the children who get groomed, it's the adults around them.

So - you watch your toddlers like a hawk at family gatherings. Nothing is happening - except that it is. Your DC are seeing dodgy uncle Fred interacting with the other kids, playing games with them, giving them treats. Dodgy uncle Fred simultaneously becomes established in their minds as "nice" (other kids are playing with him), source of fun and sweets, and somehow forbidden (for reasons they don't quite understand).

Fast forward to age 8, 9 - more of the same, only with the extra feelings of being "left out" from a part of the social interaction their cousins are so obviously enjoying. (They may well not be at all, if the worst has happened, but abuse creates massive levels of cognitive dissonance, where a child grits their teeth during the actual abuse, then play-acts everything being normal outside of that situation. The warning signs may well be there - playing up at school, being mardy with parents, but no-one connects the dots and realises it's actually about nice, smiley uncle Fred). It's now impossible to police your DC at the level you'd use for toddlers, so you sometimes see (from the other side of the room) them talking to Uncle Fred. Still, no harm done, because they're still in your line of sight. Except that Uncle Fred is saying things to alienate them from you: "Yeah, I don't know why your mum's so over protective, what a shame she won't let you come on the fishing trip with me and your cousins..."

Then they hit pre-teens, they need space and a bit of privacy (part of the normal growing up process. You think they're going out to the park with their mates, but actually they've arranged to meet dodgy uncle Fred "'cos it's such a shame your mum won't let us hang out together - all because of a boring grown up fall out twenty years ago. But you're old enough to know now that falling out with one friend doesn't mean the rest of the group has to take sides - that would be such a childish thing to do and you're not a child any more..."

Child abusers are incredibly insidious and good at grooming both children and adults - and incredibly prepared to play the long game.

We had someone on here recently who worked in probabation services, comparing and contrasting burglars and child sex offenders. As she said, burglars don't regularly get to know home owners socially, the better to burgle their houses. They don't move into the same street as their victims. They don't get jobs which will bring them into daily contact with their victims... There are a whole range of ways in which CS offenders go to huge lengths. Think the longest long con you've ever heard of, then multiply the timescale by ten, twenty, fifty.

I do not think this kind of issue can be addressed in a text message,

I think your DH needs to contact police and get professional support.

Would the "aiding & abetting" only come into force if there was a conviction?

That's not to say of course that I agree at all with how your husband's parents reacted-just carrying on the same!

I think that I would go nc with PIL now.

Police & parents have been informed , shit will more than likely hit the fan & your husband will need help/support.

Is it likely that the cousin will be told/warned & not visit?

I will go through and reply to you all later. As someone said on here 'we need to stop fannying around' and although very blunt they are right.

My husband and I have decided to have no contact with his dad (or other relatives) as we don't want to warn the paedophile what is about to happen. Therefore I won't be sending any replies to my fil's texts. He is now pestering me though and my husband said he's probably 'shi**ing himself' right now and I think he's right.

I've had to lock all our gates as we believe he's going to turn up here. He is someone that likes to be in control of my husband and there's no way he'll be able to let this one go. He'll soon be here trying to manipulate us into doing what he wants.

My problem is my husband is at work and I have a new baby to look after. Imagine having a new baby and all this going on. Time is not our friend right now. I need help but am sat in my house with all the gates and curtains closed trying to look after a baby.

When I said 'it's in the process of being reported to the police' or as on the other thread I said 'it's being reported to the police' what I meant is we have unofficially spoken to people working for the police.

This morning my husband has decided that he wants to anonymously report this to the police and all I can do is support his decision. The poor guy is traumatised and he only has me to help him and I only have you guys at the mo.

We need more information about the paedophile and at the moment I don't have his address. I have his parents address but not his. Normally I'm brilliant at finding addresses in the UK with Google etc. I cannot find anything on this guy. He lives abroad (I'm not willing to say where at the mo - don't know why - just feeling scared).

So whilst looking after a new baby I am trying to gather this info so we can get on a report it properly asap. If anyone can give me some sort of step by step guide on what to do that would be brilliant.

A new baby and sleep deprivation isn't really the best recipe for thinking straight. Bearing in mind I'm not actually the victim here either. I'm just trying to guide my husband as best as I can.

So sorry you are going through this OP, especially with a young baby to look after.

I have been no contact with my parents for over 2 years for their denial and minimisation of my abuse - they claim I'm mental and 'need help' even though I'm very well and have had 3 years of therapy dealing with it all.

The sad truth is that they would rather make up lies about me than reflect on their own failures to protect me - their egos are more important than their child. This sounds exactly like the situation your DH is in, and I'm sorry because it's agony. It's basically being abused all over again.

If you can support your DH through counselling when he's ready I'd really recommend he gets some - it changed my life so much for the better.

Also, to posters discussing the process for reporting to police. I reported a historic rape not too long ago and it went like this:

• phone call to 111 to make initial report
• called to attend police station later that day
• initial report taken by DS on duty and told to wait contact from Specially Trained Officer
• Specially Trained Officer called and made an appt to make a video statement
• I made my statement 2 weeks after first walking into the police station and that was the point after which I could not withdraw the report.

Op, I'm not sure how an anonymous report would go - they might be able to log it as intelligence but it can't be criminally investigated without your DH's full input.

I am not saying that to persuade you either way, but just to manage expectations, an investigation will hinge on his statement and the events as per your DH's account will be put to the suspect. They would not be able to investigate without DH's name and full support.

Thanks for updating us op, I commented on your other thread. I think your course of action is the best path.

I feel very sad for you both but glad you have each other. Do you have a friend that you could visit for a while in the daytime to get you away if the pressure gets too much worrying he will call round.

Take care.

Your husband must have be at his wit's end after all this time.
I hope that he will go to the police and get it all off his chest. The situation that you are in is very common. Paedophiles count on people remaining silent and that is how they play the game because that is what it is to them....a self-serving selfish game.
If your husband goes to the police it may be those others who the man has offended come forward and at the very least he will be aware that he is known about.
It isn't easy walking up to the desk in a police station knowing that you are carrying a dreadful secret and are about to make it known. But if it stops another child being abused it is worth it and the police have specially trained officers.
Please never let your child near the man, often people do not realise that grooming happens in plain sight.
Your husband is lucky to have you.

Also, I wouldn't bother sending the text. FIL has already made his mind up and you would only be wasting your time. He had his chance and missed it for the price of cornet on the beach. Shame on him.

Sorry if you've already answered this but how is his relationship with his siblings? has he ever discussed this with them? Is there a risk cousin also did the same to them?
You are doing a great job supporting your husband and doing the right thing for your child. His father is a disgrace.