Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still not be “over this” sexual encounter from three weeks ago **Trigger Warning**

153 replies

Changedname81 · 07/07/2019 20:21

I’ll try to keep this brief but I feel really strange about it ...

Tinder date
I’m 38 he’s 36
Spoke for three weeks on tinder and WhatsApp before agreeing to meet
Have been single and celibate for three years
Got fairly drunk on date and we kissed at the bus stop and then I started to walk home
He followed me and walked with me although I told him to get his bus
To be honest I naively thought it sweet he wanted to walk me home ... such a sap
He came in and we started to kiss, etc.
Went to bed, things were going fine, I noticed he was slightly “rough” i.e when on top he would pin down my arms or shoulders and go quite hard. But nothing gave me alarm bells...
Next bit is TMI so apologies...
He was a bit drunk and we’d been at it a good while - he said because he was drunk it was taking him longer to get there
He was behind me with hands on hips
He then with no warning or anything penetrated me anally
I screamed as it hurt and said no
He said “relax it’s in now anyway” and carried on
It took me about five seconds to scramble away and then I realised I was bleeding slightly
He flopped back in the bed and accused me of “ruining the mood” and insisted “he would have stopped”

Stupidly I let him stay the night (I felt embarrassed and small and stupid and guilty)
Stupidly I gave him a blow job so he came (again the whole time I felt like crying)
I dropped him off home the next morning
He text me three days later saying he didn’t want to see me again

I am on the pill plus a condom was used

I told my close friend and she laughed and said something along the lines of “ha men are chancers aren’t they?”
But somehow that’s not good enough for me

I’ve continued to feel stupid and small and embarrassed about this for three weeks and I also feel angry at him ...

Should I be “over this” by now?
Move turned down two tinder dates since and feel like I have no energy / complete apathy for this whole thing

Sorry it’s so long and I’ve been a member of MN for a good ten years although not an active poster

Please don’t post just to tell me how much of an arsehole I am for continuing it afterward / letting him stay. In hindsight I know that... at the time I just felt so stupid and small and embarrassed

OP posts:
milienhaus · 07/07/2019 20:23

That sounds horrific and I can completely understand why you aren’t over it.

gobbynorthernbird · 07/07/2019 20:23

Don't feel bad about yourself. He anally raped you. He's a piece of shit.
I'm sorry this happened to you.

lyralalala · 07/07/2019 20:24

You’re not an arsehole for letting him stay. You were confused, and probably scared.

He’s a vile pig and there’s no set time for you to get over it. He violated your trust and your body so please be kind to yourself - you did absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever.

bingbongnoise · 07/07/2019 20:24

Shit that's horrible. I am so sorry.

Not your fault at ALL!

And you will not just 'get over' this abuse.

Can you see the GP to ask to be referred to someone? (Counsellor for example.)

Sending you internet hugs (((HUGS))) Flowers

MrsMiggins37 · 07/07/2019 20:25

Fucking hell I don’t even know what to say. That’s horrific.

Cynara · 07/07/2019 20:25

I'm very, very sorry this happened to you. It was not your fault, and he is a rapist. What do you want to do? What do you need to do to look after yourself?

Biancadelrioisback · 07/07/2019 20:25

You're not an arsehole.
He's a fucking dick. I really wish there was a good, strong swear word which isn't also a female sex organ but there we go.
You did nothing wrong here. He did. He should never have done that to you. I would tell him as much as well. How is your anus now? Has it healed?
This is massive thing to "get over" so please don't give yourself a hard time. Have you told anyone else?

Brandnewshit · 07/07/2019 20:25

No, I also agree you shouldn't be over it.
You know what he did is wrong.
Do what you need to do after this, but it's not right and you have every right to be upset x

bingbongnoise · 07/07/2019 20:26

BTW he sounds like a putrid cunt, and you sound lovely and sweet.

DO

NOT

BLAME

YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iamruth · 07/07/2019 20:26

I’m sorry but that guy, and your friend is a dick. You are not a Sap or in anyway at fault here. Please ask for some professional help if you need it.

CinnabarRed · 07/07/2019 20:26

I’m so, so sorry this happened to you.

Sweetheart, you were raped. You didn’t consent to anal penetration, but he did it anyway.

Your reaction is totally normal, but please don’t blame yourself. This is all on him, the fucker.

Your friend, although I’m sure lovely in very many ways, got this badly wrong.

Would you consider speaking to one of the rape crisis lines?

I’m not the best at this sort of advice, but I couldn’t leave your post unanswered.

BobTheFishermansWife · 07/07/2019 20:26

I am sorry have no advice.

But I wanted to say I'm really sorry you went through this, he was out of order and it's not your fault. Your friend should have been more supportive and he was the arsehole not you!

I don't think you can put a time limit on getting over these things, so don't pressure yourself to feel like you need to get over it, take care of yourself xx

DecomposingComposers · 07/07/2019 20:27

You're not an arsehole OP you were assaulted. Would you consider phoning one of the helplines to get some support?

iamruth · 07/07/2019 20:27

Also I agree with @Cynara he is a rapist

moofolk · 07/07/2019 20:28

What a twat.

This is appalling behaviour he pushed your boundaries at every single level and preyed on a reluctance to be confrontational.

This is what predatory men / rapists / abusers do. They normalise their behaviour to make you feel that by objecting you're in the wrong.

Complete bastard.

YouJustDoYou · 07/07/2019 20:28

He performed a sexual act you did not consent to. Upon telling him to stop, he didn't. He also caused you physical injury by making you bleed. This is horrific op.

Orlandointhewilderness · 07/07/2019 20:29

It's not your fault OP. I know how you feel because the exact same thing happened to me with the first guy I ever slept with. It has stayed with me quite a bit although years later I feel furious with him and don't think I am over reacting like I did for years.

ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 07/07/2019 20:29

Sorry OP, that's rape

Yawninfinitum · 07/07/2019 20:29

Oh goodness you poor love
That sounds horrendous and he is a nasty arsehole

You did nothing wrong.
Not sensible letting a stranger into your bed but you know that and even doing that you in no way deserved what happened.

Ugh. Just everything about that sexual encounter was vile.
He basically raped you anally- you didn’t consent to that.

Letting him stay over and giving him oral afterwards must have been humiliating and demeaning and just so awful- but I also get why you did- it’s really hard to be objective in those situations.

Thank god he has gone from your life.

Please consider some proper counselling to go through what happens and how you feel.

Don’t hate yourself or beat yourself- you are not the one who is at fault.

So sorry you went through this OP

Oh and ditch your mate.

Much love to you.

nethunsreject · 07/07/2019 20:30

So sorry he did that to you. You made it very clear that it wasn't okay, but he persisted. I am not at all surprised you are upset about it. Flowers

sakura06 · 07/07/2019 20:31

So sorry for you OP. What a horrible experience. You were raped. Please visit the doctor to check you're ok. Lots of best wishes. Thanks

Gamechange · 07/07/2019 20:31

That sounds really awful. I'm not surprised you feel the way you do. However, you cannot change what has happened as horrible as it is for you. You are doing the right thing by giving yourself time to process this.

BUT remember he was a total dickhead. Not all men are like that though and you will naturally be more cautious going forward.

emwantsbiscuits · 07/07/2019 20:31

I’m so sorry that this happened to you. He should have listened to you when you said no. That’s rape. No decent man just carries on.
A similar thing happened to me when I was 17. I told him to stop and he just said that “men can’t stop when they’re turned on” - total bull. He pushed my head down into the pillow and was very aggressive.
You didn’t do anything stupid and you didn’t deserve it to happen to you.
I wish I could give you a hug.

BumbleBeee69 · 07/07/2019 20:33

He knew exactly what he was doing OP, this is not your fault, he assaulted you. I'm so sorry. Flowers

OrchidInTheSun · 07/07/2019 20:34

I'm so sorry that you were raped. You poor woman. This is not your fault and the way you reacted afterwards is completely normal as a way to disassociate from the trauma.

I'm sorry your friend has been so unsupportive. Is there anyone else you could talk to?

You will get through this but you need to be surrounded with people who will support you as you process this.