To still not be “over this” sexual encounter from three weeks ago **Trigger Warning**

[Changedname81]

I’ll try to keep this brief but I feel really strange about it ...

Tinder date
I’m 38 he’s 36
Spoke for three weeks on tinder and WhatsApp before agreeing to meet
Have been single and celibate for three years
Got fairly drunk on date and we kissed at the bus stop and then I started to walk home
He followed me and walked with me although I told him to get his bus
To be honest I naively thought it sweet he wanted to walk me home ... such a sap
He came in and we started to kiss, etc.
Went to bed, things were going fine, I noticed he was slightly “rough” i.e when on top he would pin down my arms or shoulders and go quite hard. But nothing gave me alarm bells...
Next bit is TMI so apologies...
He was a bit drunk and we’d been at it a good while - he said because he was drunk it was taking him longer to get there
He was behind me with hands on hips
He then with no warning or anything penetrated me anally
I screamed as it hurt and said no
He said “relax it’s in now anyway” and carried on
It took me about five seconds to scramble away and then I realised I was bleeding slightly
He flopped back in the bed and accused me of “ruining the mood” and insisted “he would have stopped”

Stupidly I let him stay the night (I felt embarrassed and small and stupid and guilty)
Stupidly I gave him a blow job so he came (again the whole time I felt like crying)
I dropped him off home the next morning
He text me three days later saying he didn’t want to see me again

I am on the pill plus a condom was used

I told my close friend and she laughed and said something along the lines of “ha men are chancers aren’t they?”
But somehow that’s not good enough for me

I’ve continued to feel stupid and small and embarrassed about this for three weeks and I also feel angry at him ...

Should I be “over this” by now?
Move turned down two tinder dates since and feel like I have no energy / complete apathy for this whole thing

Sorry it’s so long and I’ve been a member of MN for a good ten years although not an active poster

Please don’t post just to tell me how much of an arsehole I am for continuing it afterward / letting him stay. In hindsight I know that... at the time I just felt so stupid and small and embarrassed

Please speak to a professional

Op

Been there and have too many t shirts

I don’t know what to say to make you feel better really . But i wish I could wave a magic wand and make that horrible night never have happened

This kind of shit happened to me

(A) what a cunt he is
(B) I hope he gets fucking ran over

I've thought of a couple more things.

1. I think the testing your boundaries right from the bus, was part of it. I was reading a paper someone on here recommended, and the slow inching past the victim's boundaries was seen in rape cases time and time again.

1. You're blaming yourself for placating him after, even though we've all been saying this is normal behaviour when in shock and still in danger. Maybe do a (rather unpleasant) thought experiment:

What would have happened if, after you'd crawled away from him, you turned round and accused him of rape? You were trapped in a bedroom with him, probably no one to hear you scream. He was most likely bigger and stronger than you. If you'd said "That was rape, I'm calling the police!", what were your chances of getting out of that room unharmed? He would know that, if you called the police then and there, there would be physical evidence, the instant reaction would make it seem more likely it was an attack. He would have two options - run away, knowing you had his details and would report him immediately. Or shut you up, either through knocking you out, or killing you.

Which is more likely? Hard to say, but this guy could have a record already, he might know this would send him (back?) to prison. His career would be ruined. And we already know he is someone who doesn't care about inflicting pain (maybe even enjoys it).

Your subconscious was making some very quick calculations, which may well have saved your life.

That sounds an awful experience for you. I agree this was rape, he didn't seek consent for that act, continued and minimised it when you protested. You did not bring this on yourself, he did not listen to you from the bus stop on and took advantage of knowing you were drunk.
A real man would have more respect.

OP this isn’t your fault at all, he had no right to anally penetrate you without consent and keep going. Please seek advice from your local sexual assault referral centre (SARC), even if you don’t ever want to involve the police they can help with STI testing, HIV medication if needed, and counselling. Huge hugs xxxxxx

He raped you. He left you in a state of shock.

Brace yourself and go to the police.

This is a long shot but do you still have the condom?

Agree he planned this from the start. Probably not his first time.

OP, so sorry this happened to you but, sounds so awful and I was so shocked reading it. How are you now? Do you have any support nearby such as family or friends? Really feel for you. Sending hugs.

I'm just horrified by what I read, it made my blood run cold. I'm so sorry you went through this and I am horrified by this man and your friend. What is wrong with people? I don't have any advice other than please talk to someone qualified to help x

This is horrible and not your fault! I read something similar on MN where the Op had sex with the guy in am after he sexually assaulted her (think it was a ons?) any way the point was she had done this after being forced upon the by the guy the night before, it's like a automatic self preservation thing, it's a way of your brain trying a normalise the bad situation, hence you gave him a BJ. Not because you wanted to, it's a coping mechanism triggered on this occasion by a-rape. What he did was wrong can this be reported to tinder? Sorry this has happened and I hope getting it out there and now hearing your not in the wrong has and will help.

This is very similar to something that happened to me, except I was in a relationship, living with him and I was asleep when it happened. I knew it wasn’t okay but it wasn’t what ended the relationship. When it had ended, sometime later, I felt like you - I allowed it. This was a few years ago now and I’m in my first relationship since, which is going well but I still can’t sleep in the same bed as him. It is causing problems and I feel sad about that but like you, I am just not ‘over it’. Sorry, no advice from me, just wanted to say I understand.

That sounds bloody awful but it's in no way your fault, it's his.

The conversation has probably moved on as I have not read the whole thread but I just want to say now that your behaviour after the assault was quite normal.
The drive to normalise the situation is very common in these situations, I've done exactly the same as have millions of women after being raped.
Women are socialised to put others before themselvs and take responsiblilty for others wellbeing, plus your instinctive realisation that you were alone with a dangerous preditor is what made you act the way you did.
I remember listening to podcast by an academic who goes to court for rape victims where she discusses exactly this phenomonem but I cant remember her name now.
Please dont blame yourself, this guy has almost certainly done this before and will do it again, he was probably worked out a whole routine, sick little fuck.

That's awful op :(
I had a similar 'friend' reaction many years ago as a 17 year old girl (stupidly) alone in a flat with a 35yo man. He was extremely creepy and pushing for sex, the door was locked and only he could let me out. I just KNEW I was in a dangerous situation. I let him kiss and touch me, went along with it acting as a 'willing' participant, even though it was fucking awful. I told him I would like to see him again tomorrow. He agreed to drop me back to the area I lived. I got out of the car and as soon as he was out of sight, ran before he could follow me.
The next day he rang me dozens of times, he continued to ring me for about a week until I answered, out of pure frudtration and he shouted at me for being a lying bitch etc. The following week his face was on the front of the local paper. He had kidnapped a 15yo girl, took her to that same flat and raped her repeatedly until she escaped.
At the time I was young, I couldn't have predicted the events that followed. I didn't think of myself as a victim at the time and I'm still not sure if I am now. I did what I had to to avoid the worst. I still think of the other girl, whoever she was, and I feel some element of guilt over it.
I know you don't want to OP but this guy raped you, I think he needs to be reported.

His actions - rape

Your actions - irrelevant in what he did

It is what is is rape

What you choose to do is up to you. But please do not feel any guilt or feel you were foolish to carry on or that that is only last a few seconds so it wasn’t too bad

And what sort of man when he sees a woman is bleeding (even if anal sex was consensual) would want to carry on when obvious harm had been caused

I am sorry this happened to you and you feel so confused.

Your subconscious was making some very quick calculations, which may well have saved your life

This^

1. Your instincts are good. They got you safely away from a rapist after he raped you.

1. He crossed your boundaries from the bus stop. You told him not to come with you (ie No) and he didn't listen to you. If he was genuinely just wanting to ensure your safety he'd have called you an Uber, or walked you to your door and made a second date rather than come in.

Similar also happened to me, more than once. There is no right way to be a victim. Do what feels good for you but remember you don't have to feel ok or strong and there's nothing wrong in calling rape crisis.

And your friend? She's not one. One of the biggest problems I had after my injuries had healed was "friends" telling me it wasn't rape or down playing it. Ignore her, she's wrong. Absolutely wrong.

Happened to me with an ex. It really hurt. It wasn't my fault and it wasn't yours.

Thanks to all for messages.

I’d not heard of the flop, freeze or friend as the extras to flight or fight, which was interesting and which helps me understand my behaviour a bit more. Thank you to those who explained it.

I’ll speak with my counselor, but for now online dating can take a back seat...

Love to all who have been through similar experiences or much worse x

I'm so angry this happened to you OP. He is absolute scum. I hope you get the help and support you need. You did nothing wrong.

I agree with others - he had this planned from the start. He is very dangerous. Could you just report his name to the police but, if you wish, take it no further? Just so they have his name on the system. You did the best you could in very dangerous circumstances. It wasn’t your fault.

You can also report anonymously online to crime stoppers with as much info as you know.
Every little can help to build intelligence around a person.
to you OP.

www.mirror.co.uk/news/us-news/woman-cut-14-pieces-dumped-17676386

A woman today has been murdered and dismembered by a man that she met on Tinder.
I would like to say again to women on here: Tinder and badoo are not safe. The two men that I met off it: one left me with bruises and hurt me in "rough sex", I was so shocked I didnt report him but i did report him to the dating app. They didnt take him down. and the second man sexually assaulted me. That was six months ago and I have been too afraid to have sex since. Definitely never using those apps again. Men assume you will have sex with them and alot assume they can act out their violent fantasies

OP I'm so sorry you had this experience
It is rape, you are not a sap and definitely not to blame!
Men like this make me sick but what's worse is this form of rape is not highlighted enough IMO. I can guarantee you aren't the first he's done this too and he wouldn't of been the first to do something like this in general.
When you feel emotionally ready I really advise you speak to a professional.
All the best OP x