To still not be “over this” sexual encounter from three weeks ago **Trigger Warning**

[Changedname81]

I’ll try to keep this brief but I feel really strange about it ...

Tinder date
I’m 38 he’s 36
Spoke for three weeks on tinder and WhatsApp before agreeing to meet
Have been single and celibate for three years
Got fairly drunk on date and we kissed at the bus stop and then I started to walk home
He followed me and walked with me although I told him to get his bus
To be honest I naively thought it sweet he wanted to walk me home ... such a sap
He came in and we started to kiss, etc.
Went to bed, things were going fine, I noticed he was slightly “rough” i.e when on top he would pin down my arms or shoulders and go quite hard. But nothing gave me alarm bells...
Next bit is TMI so apologies...
He was a bit drunk and we’d been at it a good while - he said because he was drunk it was taking him longer to get there
He was behind me with hands on hips
He then with no warning or anything penetrated me anally
I screamed as it hurt and said no
He said “relax it’s in now anyway” and carried on
It took me about five seconds to scramble away and then I realised I was bleeding slightly
He flopped back in the bed and accused me of “ruining the mood” and insisted “he would have stopped”

Stupidly I let him stay the night (I felt embarrassed and small and stupid and guilty)
Stupidly I gave him a blow job so he came (again the whole time I felt like crying)
I dropped him off home the next morning
He text me three days later saying he didn’t want to see me again

I am on the pill plus a condom was used

I told my close friend and she laughed and said something along the lines of “ha men are chancers aren’t they?”
But somehow that’s not good enough for me

I’ve continued to feel stupid and small and embarrassed about this for three weeks and I also feel angry at him ...

Should I be “over this” by now?
Move turned down two tinder dates since and feel like I have no energy / complete apathy for this whole thing

Sorry it’s so long and I’ve been a member of MN for a good ten years although not an active poster

Please don’t post just to tell me how much of an arsehole I am for continuing it afterward / letting him stay. In hindsight I know that... at the time I just felt so stupid and small and embarrassed

What a despicable person he is.

This is NOT YOUR FAULT. Please don’t for one more second even consider that it might be. Definitely mention it to your counsellor; if it’s outside her ‘remit’ she should be able to signpost you to someone more specialist.

Wishing you the very best

I’m so sorry, OP.

He needs reporting.

Fucking hell you cannot be serious Gth1234. How dare rape victims become terrified and not run away immediately. How dare we not report it to police when we know there is unlikely to be any good outcome from it. Fucking educate yourself before you go ahead and make someone feel even shittier than they already feel.

OP, I hope you are okay. Talk to someone. Anyone who you trust. You did nothing wrong and anyone with any of experience of this sort of thing can tell you that over and over again. You said no, he didn't stop. That's rape. Please be kind to yourself

That is rape, you could charge him if you want. Or you could get counselling, Well done on coming on here to talk about it. I would like to sympathise with you. I realise my two absolute worst sexual experiences were with people I met on Tinder. Im starting to think it is really not safe. The last guy that I met on it traumatised me, I went back to his house and he hit me. He hurt me. Are you thinking of pressing charges? I send you a huge huge hug

Or not press charges. Whatever feels good and happy for you. But know that this was an assault and you need time to heal. A rape crisis counsellor was good for me. I send you so much love

Changedname -
A lot of you are saying rape but my behavior before and after were stupidly complicit and apologetic... I’m so stupid

You are not stupid. That's how it goes, read the post from the police officer who has experience of rape cases. What that man did to you is horrific. Happened to me too, many, many years ago but I wasn't drunk, he had been drinking. I behaved as you did afterwards, as if I was on another planet.

Took a while but I was able to draw a line under the experience. So will you.

Sorry you've been through this. It is NOT your fault. My DP often wants to go further in public than I am happy with (it's his thing). If I say no, he apologises and takes a step back. That's what a civilised person does. They don't say, "well, I've gone so far, so you might as well go with it."

I served on a jury in a rape trial and the judge made it clear that anyone has the absolute right to say no at any point in sex. They can say, "I don't like that" and the other person is wrong to carry on.

While it's easy to say you should report him, I do understand why not. Do what you need to in order to survive.

OP you were raped and I’m so sorry.
Please do not blame yourself - you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and you have done nothing wrong.
You have been unfortunate enough to meet a vile excuse of a man who has abused your trust and your body.
Be kind to yourself

I just read where you said that you were confused about your behaviour afterwards. This is totally normal. After my rape happened to me, I acted totally normal, your body and mind go into shock, to help you to survive the situation and to get out of it. It is normal.

That was rape

And as for your "friend"....

I would never speak to them again.

@gth1234 I'll leave this here for you...

"The most common reactions to trauma are:

Freeze or flop -Not able to move
(Be)friend – trying to make the situation less dangerous by doing what the perpetrator wants"

www.sarsas.org.uk/reactions-to-trauma/

And this...

rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/looking-for-tools-to-help-you-cope/feelings/fight-or-flight-response/

"'befriending' the person who is dangerous, for example by placating, negotiating, bribing or pleading with them. Again, this is not you giving your attacker consent, it is an instinctive survival mechanism."

The way you behaved afterwards is totally normal after acquaintance rape. Women are so shocked & traumatised that they try to normalise the situation by acting normally. It doesn't mean you weren't harmed - quite the opposite: you were so shocked that you had to go onto automatic pilot to get you through. You behaved very sensibly - you kept it together and you kept yourself safe

X post with @evilherbivore

I would whats app him tell him he raped you and you are reporting it. He needs to suffer.

Sending love and hugs, ❤️❤️❤️

Everybody.

There's no need to be insulting. I see the points that are being made regarding the five F's. Perhaps the Police officer is right, and he would be found guilty of rape, but perhaps he wouldn't . You won't know without taking it further.

My initial reaction was what I said - horror regarding the offence, and total shock about what followed.

Sorry if I appeared insensitive, but I really wasn't. I doubt the OP's friend was as insensitive as it appears either.

I'm so sorry this happened to you

What you did after was your hind brain (subconscious mind) protecting you - it assessed the most viable method of getting you out of the situation alive and went for 'friend'.

I can imagine it's not much comfort but that bit of your brain that took over only deals in base instincts and did the 'right' approach at that time to get you out alive.

Viewed by your conscious mind now it seems not to be the right thing to have done, but your conscious mind wasn't in control.

You were raped and NONE of it was your fault

I would like to say this to other ladies, does anyone else think that Tinder is incredibly unsafe. I was also chatting to a guy for a while on it, went for a drink with him- totally normal. Went back to his house for a drink, he started touching me and then literally hit me so hard all over my body, he said it was normal. He hurt me and bruised me.I was thinking , guys out there are really dangerous. He has traumatised me so much I havent had sex since

Op, you poor love. He raped you. He pushed your boundaries every step - walking you home, coming in, sex, anal sex - what an absolute scheming bastard.

I’d report him to Tinder if you can, and access counselling to help you recover.

I wonder how many other women he’s done this to. You won’t be the only one.

Don’t blame yourself. You were shocked and in survival mode. The blame is all on him.

@Eaudear
I think you have the wrong thread

Oh my god, I'm so sorry this is the wrong thread, I am reporting now. I'm so sorry OP xxx

I’ve signed in just to respond to you my darling. You were abused atrociously by this piece of human flotsam and jetsam, I’d be urging you to report this to the police if I had any faith whatsoever in the justice system to prosecute and get some retribution, 💕

Sending you loving and supportive thoughts.xx

You poor thing. How horrible. He clearly had no intention of taking any of your nos seriously right from the moment he didn't get on the bus. I bet he's done this many times, that's why I kind of feel he should be reported.