To still not be “over this” sexual encounter from three weeks ago **Trigger Warning**

[Changedname81]

I’ll try to keep this brief but I feel really strange about it ...

Tinder date
I’m 38 he’s 36
Spoke for three weeks on tinder and WhatsApp before agreeing to meet
Have been single and celibate for three years
Got fairly drunk on date and we kissed at the bus stop and then I started to walk home
He followed me and walked with me although I told him to get his bus
To be honest I naively thought it sweet he wanted to walk me home ... such a sap
He came in and we started to kiss, etc.
Went to bed, things were going fine, I noticed he was slightly “rough” i.e when on top he would pin down my arms or shoulders and go quite hard. But nothing gave me alarm bells...
Next bit is TMI so apologies...
He was a bit drunk and we’d been at it a good while - he said because he was drunk it was taking him longer to get there
He was behind me with hands on hips
He then with no warning or anything penetrated me anally
I screamed as it hurt and said no
He said “relax it’s in now anyway” and carried on
It took me about five seconds to scramble away and then I realised I was bleeding slightly
He flopped back in the bed and accused me of “ruining the mood” and insisted “he would have stopped”

Stupidly I let him stay the night (I felt embarrassed and small and stupid and guilty)
Stupidly I gave him a blow job so he came (again the whole time I felt like crying)
I dropped him off home the next morning
He text me three days later saying he didn’t want to see me again

I am on the pill plus a condom was used

I told my close friend and she laughed and said something along the lines of “ha men are chancers aren’t they?”
But somehow that’s not good enough for me

I’ve continued to feel stupid and small and embarrassed about this for three weeks and I also feel angry at him ...

Should I be “over this” by now?
Move turned down two tinder dates since and feel like I have no energy / complete apathy for this whole thing

Sorry it’s so long and I’ve been a member of MN for a good ten years although not an active poster

Please don’t post just to tell me how much of an arsehole I am for continuing it afterward / letting him stay. In hindsight I know that... at the time I just felt so stupid and small and embarrassed

Bandara - Tinder doesn’t set out to be ‘safe’. It doesn’t vet the people who use it, it doesn’t promise that they’re nice people or that they’ll treat you well. Not Tinder’s fault. It provides a way for people to meet people.

It’s up to everyone who uses Tinder to use their common sense and keep safe. Meet a new person somewhere public, tell a friend where you will be, don’t ask strangers to your home, etc.

I’m very sorry about what happened to you, but don’t blame Tinder. Blame the man.

I’m so sorry that he raped you.

You are not being unreasonable. Your actions that night did not cause this.

This is not your fault ❤️❤️❤️

I think you should report him

If for nothing else, that there is a record when he does it again. You might find you’re not the first.

He is a rapist and your friend an apologist

I'm so sorry that happened to you, OP. Please believe that none of it was your fault. Look after yourself

@theunrivalledjoysofparenting He was one of two. I have dated and met lots of different men over the years. None of them hurt me.

The two men I met off Tinder: one assaulted me
The other one sexually assaulted me. I had met both at public places numerous times first of all.
I just think alot of men on Tinder think that it is just for sex and act out their depraved sexual fantasies. I certainly will never meet a man in this way again. Please be careful ladies, there are some really horrific men out there

A lot of you are saying rape but my behavior before and after were stupidly complicit and apologetic... I’m so stupid You are absolutely not stupid and your behaviour was completely normal. If BasilFaulty who will have seen a horrible amount of these cases is telling you that your reaction was normal, then you can believe her.

Whether you report it is obviously entirely up to you, but I really do think you should contact the rape crisis centre who will know exactly what support to give you

Remember the woman who was murdered by her tinder date in new zealand

It was rape and completely not your fault.

Any man worth the name stops as soon as his sexual partner asks him to.

So sorry this happened to you - this was rape. Dont feel bad about giving him a blow job after - not only would you have been (probably still are) in shock but also scared that this person could do such a horrific, unfeeling thing to you. Subconsciously you may have done that to placate him. His comments are typical of a guy who wants to ease his own guilt and not admit to himself what a horrid little man he is. You must now see someone who is a professional in dealing with rape situations - they will help you deal with all the different emotions you maybe feeling - dont let him hurt you going forward - it was his fault and he knew exactly what he was doing. Big hugs x

That was anal rape. Do not blame yourself in any way. He did not seek your consent, there was not even any warning before he anally raped you, and he didn't listen when you said no.

Also please don't blame yourself for what happened afterwards. People in shock do all sorts of things, either because they are on shocked autopilot, unable to recognise or process what has just happened, and/or subconsciously (and perhaps justifiably) fear that if they don't placate the rapist, they may be in more danger.

You could definitely go to the police and report this man for anal rape. You might also want to call Rape Crisis UK, and talk to them. Keep an eye on your mental health, you may well need counselling, especially as the gravity of it fully hits you. Tell friends who will support you, if you can.

Also, someone who does this may have tried other things too - are you sure he kept the condom on? It might be wise to get yourself checked out.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It was absolutely not your fault.

I'm so sorry for you - this is awful. It's criminal. You did not consent. Please get some counselling in real life.

You've done nothing wrong OP. We behave in ways that don't always make sense when bad things happen - I've been there too. Go easy on yourself and keep talking to your therapist. I'm sure it will get easier for you eventually. I'd consider distancing myself from your friend as well.

I'm a criminal barrister.

Rape - penetration of your anus without your consent and without his reasonable belief he had your consent.

You did not consent to anal penetration. In the circumstances you've described, he didn't reasonably believe you did:

"He then with no warning or anything penetrated me anally. I screamed as it hurt and said no. He said “relax it’s in now anyway” and carried on."

Whilst you may have consented to other sexual behaviour, before and after, you did not consent to this. That's what makes it rape.

Do not blame yourself.

Take care, sweetheart.

I told my Tinder guy "you raped me, I hope you can live with yourself knowing what you did". I also know how hard it can be to report people sometimes.

I send you a big hug op

Oh god OP

Anyone who had ever done or looked into anal before would know
Much more risk of sti's
Much more risk of injury
The need to lube up extra well, change position etc
Much more risk of things seeing each other vulnerable and things getting messy

Therefore for most people something you only do with people you know really well or people you know are really into it

It's not exactly 'easy' - no way was it an accident

He completely knew what he was doing. And even if he was some kind of caveman, the scrambling away, the saying no, the bleeding, would have all been the trigger that most people would have apologised immediately. I mean, how would you have reacted if youd accidentally cut someone? Most decent people would be mortified.

No wonder he doesnt want to see you again, you've seen him behave like an absolute disgusting human being

Please please dont be wearipning how you acted. I know its human nature to wieatikn but it's also human nature to freeze in a situation you totally weren't expecting. You read it so often on here - situations where the other person cares so crazy or rude or whatever that no one said anything as they were so gobsmacked it just takes their brain a while to take it in. Completely normal

OP this was not your fault
You acted completely normally afterwards
He is a horrible horrible human to do this to someone else and you did not contribute to this in any way, and to be honest nothing you would have done after would have made him suddenly change his mind

I think you need to report this guy...
From the second he walked you home Instead of getting the bus, I suspect he had this all planned, please stop him from doing this to another woman .

Sorry meant to add after 3rd paragraph- and therefore something most people only do after discussing it first

I'm so sorry to hear this!! This is awful. You did not consent to anal sex, as many other posters said. You screamed and said no.
It is completely irrelevant what you did before and after.

That was an awful traumatic experience you had. I understand why you did what you did- you were in shock and did not know what to do- you were probably in survival mode too placating him. You need time to heal from this.

I just googled it online and there are so many tinder rape cases.

I personally didnt know that some men out there are so violent and depraved , until I used Tinder. I was really shocked. Both the men I met were really sexually violent

I am so sorry this has happened to you

Don't you EVER blame yourself. Well done for speaking out.

@Bandara I'm so sorry that happened to you too, I hope you're getting some support

@BasilFaulty sounds like we work in similar fields

Thank you @EvilHerbivore.