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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still not be “over this” sexual encounter from three weeks ago **Trigger Warning**

153 replies

Changedname81 · 07/07/2019 20:21

I’ll try to keep this brief but I feel really strange about it ...

Tinder date
I’m 38 he’s 36
Spoke for three weeks on tinder and WhatsApp before agreeing to meet
Have been single and celibate for three years
Got fairly drunk on date and we kissed at the bus stop and then I started to walk home
He followed me and walked with me although I told him to get his bus
To be honest I naively thought it sweet he wanted to walk me home ... such a sap
He came in and we started to kiss, etc.
Went to bed, things were going fine, I noticed he was slightly “rough” i.e when on top he would pin down my arms or shoulders and go quite hard. But nothing gave me alarm bells...
Next bit is TMI so apologies...
He was a bit drunk and we’d been at it a good while - he said because he was drunk it was taking him longer to get there
He was behind me with hands on hips
He then with no warning or anything penetrated me anally
I screamed as it hurt and said no
He said “relax it’s in now anyway” and carried on
It took me about five seconds to scramble away and then I realised I was bleeding slightly
He flopped back in the bed and accused me of “ruining the mood” and insisted “he would have stopped”

Stupidly I let him stay the night (I felt embarrassed and small and stupid and guilty)
Stupidly I gave him a blow job so he came (again the whole time I felt like crying)
I dropped him off home the next morning
He text me three days later saying he didn’t want to see me again

I am on the pill plus a condom was used

I told my close friend and she laughed and said something along the lines of “ha men are chancers aren’t they?”
But somehow that’s not good enough for me

I’ve continued to feel stupid and small and embarrassed about this for three weeks and I also feel angry at him ...

Should I be “over this” by now?
Move turned down two tinder dates since and feel like I have no energy / complete apathy for this whole thing

Sorry it’s so long and I’ve been a member of MN for a good ten years although not an active poster

Please don’t post just to tell me how much of an arsehole I am for continuing it afterward / letting him stay. In hindsight I know that... at the time I just felt so stupid and small and embarrassed

OP posts:
opinionminion · 07/07/2019 20:36

This happened to me ... exactly the same. In fact I feel sick.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
My blood is running cold.

Rachelover40 · 07/07/2019 20:37

I'm sorry you have had this experience Changedname. It was awful. You are not the only woman to have 'been nice' afterwards, sometimes it's done just to keep calm until you can get rid of the b***d.

You won't do that again and will eventually be able to draw a line under what happened.

Horrible man, you're well rid. There are good men and I hope you find one.

Flowers
TheArtfulScreamer1 · 07/07/2019 20:38

www.hulldailymail.co.uk/news/hull-east-yorkshire-news/mark-scott-rapist-hull-court-3015673
This guy in Hull has just recieved a significant sentence for doing exactly the same as your tinder date! It's not ok, he isn't a cheeky chappy chancer he's a sexual predator and it certainly isn't your fault. Entirely up to you but I'd consider reporting to the Police, you can give your side of the story without having to pursue if you don't wish to but at least they'll have the report on file incase there's other victims. If you don't want to contact the police alot of cities have sexual assault referal centres where you can self refer and talk things through. Flowers

daisyjgrey · 07/07/2019 20:39

That is rape and you should inform the police.

Original poster
Changedname81 · 07/07/2019 20:40

Thanks for all your replies, I’m so emotional now reading them.

Re: Rape - I’m not acting like a “victim” I’m going to work and having family bbqs and carrying on as normal. I just want to make clear that the whole incident lasted less than ten seconds, I was probably penetrated a max of four times anally and then I managed to scramble forward. I only screamed and said no once and I didn’t call him out on it after. In fact, I apologized when he said I’d ruined it and then when he said “you’ve got blood on me” I apologized again.
He went into the bathroom to clean the blood and came back and I then gave him oral sex and after which he fell asleep. I went into the shower and then went and sat in the lounge until I could take him home the next morning.

I bled for two days and wore a sanitary pad pushed back into my pants. I was sore for a few days but it healed quickly.

A lot of you are saying rape but my behavior before and after were stupidly complicit and apologetic... I’m so stupid

I can’t explain my behaviour either. It’s shocking when I read it back that I then continued until he was done. If I let myself I could really start to hate myself for such a stupid thing.

I still feel like I’d like to just scrub myself from the inside out but also I feel numb.

I’m sorry I just had to tell someone else ... thanks for being so supportive and sweet

OP posts:
Windygate · 07/07/2019 20:41

You were raped. I'm so sorry you've been through such an ordeal. Do you feel strong enough to report the assault?

Theoscargoesto · 07/07/2019 20:41

Please contact Rape Crisis. He is an abuser. You did nothing wrong. Please get support because you deserve to have support.

Notthetoothfairy · 07/07/2019 20:43

You should report him to the police for what he did.

lyralalala · 07/07/2019 20:43

What you do from here forward is entirely up to you

However ”A lot of you are saying rape but my behavior before and after were stupidly complicit and apologetic...” is not true.

You were not complicit in rape. You were complicit in consensual vaginal sex. He was the one who penetrated you without warning, no man is naive enough to not know that that hurts. Men know that anal sex, if consensual, takes time and build up. He deliberately hurt you for his own pleasure. You were not complicit in that.

Being nice to someone who hurts you after is self defence. Not complicity.

BykerBykerOoh · 07/07/2019 20:44

You were raped. You did nothing wrong. Please be kind to yourself.

Ounce · 07/07/2019 20:44

Rape is not defined by your reactions, OP, any more than theft is.

HillRunner · 07/07/2019 20:45

I'm so sorry this happpened, and agree it was rape. You screamed and said no, he carried on.

Don't blame yourself for being shocked and not knowing how to respond afterwards. It's not you that's to blame for any of it. Flowers

Charley50 · 07/07/2019 20:45

I'm sorry you were raped. I imagine you let him stay out of self-preservation. Disgusting man. I would report to police, or at least Tinder. Does Tinder have a way to report this as it absolutely should have?

HillRunner · 07/07/2019 20:46

Women are groomed by society to protect men's feelings above all else. That's why so many women placate and apologise even when they've been assaulted - it does change the fact that this was rape.

EvilHerbivore · 07/07/2019 20:46

Have you ever heard of the 5 Fs in times of crisis? They are - flight, fight, flop, freeze and friend and we mostly have no control over which one we do in a dangerous situation
When that utter twat did this to you, you went into 'friend' mode by apologising and giving him a blow job, you were smoothing things over because you were aware on some level what he was capable of if you weren't to 'comply'
You did all you could in that situation to keep yourself safe and you are absolutely not to blame
Please talk to someone, take care

missbattenburg · 07/07/2019 20:48

OP, stop. Stop right now believing you were stupid or foolish or weak or whatever.

You were put in an awful situation without any prior warning or time to process it. You reacted by trying to smooth over the siutation and normalise it. That is nothing more than human instinct. We are social creatures and social creatures are programmed to compromise and try to make awkward situations better to our own detriment.

99/100 of people on this board right now would have done the same in the same situation as you. I probably would have.

I am strong, independent, confident and have no problem telling someone to bog off. I STILL am likely to have done the same thing in the same situation.

What was your option?

To immediately accept you had been assaulted and were alone with a predator? Whose mind would allow them to think that? It's too awful. Almost no one's, that's who.

I'm sorry I don't have any answers on how you 'get over it' but I can say, with my hand on my heart that You Did Nothing Wrong. Nothing before the assault and nothing after it.

xxx Flowers

Time40 · 07/07/2019 20:48

You were definitely raped, OP. I'm so sorry.

What a foul piece of work he is.

I would go to the police. Seriously, I would.

be47 · 07/07/2019 20:48

Don't have much to add except that I've experienced the same thing and didn't feel "over it" just a few weeks later - it still impacts me 7 years on.

Does tinder have a 'report' function? I know on bumble you can report a user for inappropriate behaviour in person and get their account blocked. Won't change what happened to you, but might prevent it happening to anyone else?

Notallthat · 07/07/2019 20:48

He continued to abuse you when he told you it was your fault, he would have stopped, you've ruined the evening. Its a form of gaslighting and was done to confuse you.
You have done nothing wrong and your reponse was not that strange, it happens more than people think.
Can you contact your local sexual assault referral centre (SARC)? They are all over the UK, will not force you to report it to the police and will help you even if you decide not to report it.
I think you need some specialist help to at least come to terms with why you reacted as you did, otherwise you could continue to blame yourself.
It is very likely he has done this before, he was very clever in turning this around to being your problem. He did this purely to deflect his attack on you.

AlansLeftMoob · 07/07/2019 20:48

You poor, poor love, you're absolutely not an arsehole, or stupid, or foolish, or anything else you've been calling yourself. He's a disgusting predator, an abuser, a rapist. You should not be "over it" and your friends should not have brushed this off by saying "men are chancers". Please think about seeing a counsellor, you did not consent to what he did. I hope you are okay x

Ineedhelptocope · 07/07/2019 20:48

This is appalling. He anally raped you. No wonder you are feeling the way you do. I am so sorry this happened to you. He is a piece of shit.

MrsMiggins37 · 07/07/2019 20:49

Please don’t blame yourself

He’s an abusive rapist piece of shit.

I’d also try and pluck up the courage to go to the police to hopefully try and prevent this happening to someone else xx

kittytiggy · 07/07/2019 20:50

Everything you did was understandable!
He is in the wrong 100% - it is sexual assault you did NOT consent to anal. He is DISGUSTING.
You must be so shaken up OP. Anyone would be. I would honestly recommend therapy after an experience like that.
Sending so much love Flowers xx

Ineedhelptocope · 07/07/2019 20:51

I would go to the police. Seriously, I would

I wouldn't even bother. Waste of time. Not much they can/would do under these circumstances sadly. It will just cause you more anguish and upset. Get in touch with Rape Crisis. Or arrange to see a counsellor.

DowntonCrabby · 07/07/2019 20:51

I’m really sorry this happened to you OP Flowers

Please be assured that however you want to play things from here is entirely 100% ok.

What a fucking cock Sad