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AIBU?

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Original poster

To still not be “over this” sexual encounter from three weeks ago **Trigger Warning**

153 replies

Changedname81 · 07/07/2019 20:21

I’ll try to keep this brief but I feel really strange about it ...

Tinder date
I’m 38 he’s 36
Spoke for three weeks on tinder and WhatsApp before agreeing to meet
Have been single and celibate for three years
Got fairly drunk on date and we kissed at the bus stop and then I started to walk home
He followed me and walked with me although I told him to get his bus
To be honest I naively thought it sweet he wanted to walk me home ... such a sap
He came in and we started to kiss, etc.
Went to bed, things were going fine, I noticed he was slightly “rough” i.e when on top he would pin down my arms or shoulders and go quite hard. But nothing gave me alarm bells...
Next bit is TMI so apologies...
He was a bit drunk and we’d been at it a good while - he said because he was drunk it was taking him longer to get there
He was behind me with hands on hips
He then with no warning or anything penetrated me anally
I screamed as it hurt and said no
He said “relax it’s in now anyway” and carried on
It took me about five seconds to scramble away and then I realised I was bleeding slightly
He flopped back in the bed and accused me of “ruining the mood” and insisted “he would have stopped”

Stupidly I let him stay the night (I felt embarrassed and small and stupid and guilty)
Stupidly I gave him a blow job so he came (again the whole time I felt like crying)
I dropped him off home the next morning
He text me three days later saying he didn’t want to see me again

I am on the pill plus a condom was used

I told my close friend and she laughed and said something along the lines of “ha men are chancers aren’t they?”
But somehow that’s not good enough for me

I’ve continued to feel stupid and small and embarrassed about this for three weeks and I also feel angry at him ...

Should I be “over this” by now?
Move turned down two tinder dates since and feel like I have no energy / complete apathy for this whole thing

Sorry it’s so long and I’ve been a member of MN for a good ten years although not an active poster

Please don’t post just to tell me how much of an arsehole I am for continuing it afterward / letting him stay. In hindsight I know that... at the time I just felt so stupid and small and embarrassed

OP posts:
mcmooberry · 07/07/2019 20:52

Oh you poor thing. To be perfectly honest, even reading how absurd and unassertive your behaviour was in the face of his abuse, I can perfectly understand it and can imagine myself being similarly passive in that situation. Something about not wanting to cause a scene or things not going as I expected and my brain taking a while to catch up. Think you need to forgive yourself and learn something from this so nothing similar ever happens again. He absolutely does deserve to be reported, he did assault you, however I can imagine not being able to face that myself. Have you any way of contacting him? Could you message him letting him know that you are considering reporting him to the police? He shouldn't really get away with behaviour like that. Anyway, really sorry you ever crossed paths with someone like that.

mollpop · 07/07/2019 20:54

You were not stupid. You did absolutely nothing wrong. He's a pathetic excuse for a human being.

Please be kind to yourself and give yourself as much time as you need xx

Binting · 07/07/2019 20:55

A similar thing happened to me over 30 years ago and I’m not over it, in fact it’s only in the last year or so I realised it was rape. The guy was my bf at the time and I felt stupid that I hadn’t stopped him (he went in cold with no warning and it wasn’t something I’d done, or even spoken about before). I felt dirty, guilty and ashamed for years. I broke up with him soon after, but not straight away. I carried on as normal for a while, but I couldn’t get past what he’d done. I didn’t discuss the incident with him or anyone else, I was very naive.

It was rape OP. You told him to stop and he didn’t. Don’t feel bad that you can’t “get over it” in just 3 weeks. If you can find someone to talk to who isn’t a dick like your friend I think that might help you Flowers

Ineedhelptocope · 07/07/2019 20:55

A lot of you are saying rape but my behavior before and after were stupidly complicit and apologetic... I’m so stupid

No no no. You have done NOTHING wrong and you are NOT stupid. Your behaviour is more common than you realise after an assault. My DD kissed her rapist after he attacked her after he tried to minimise it by saying 'Are we ok then...can I have a kiss?" You did not consent to him having anal sex with you. That is rape.

Tiredmum100 · 07/07/2019 20:55

You poor thing. What an absolute disgrace for a human being that 'man' was. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You have every right to be upset about it. Its easy to look back and think "I wish he hadn't stayed" etc, but you were probably in shock. Can you speak to someone more understanding than your 'friend' in real life?

Mummyshark2018 · 07/07/2019 20:56

Sorry this has happened to you. You did not consent to anal and he continued anyway so imo it was rape. I prob wouldn't go to police either as unfortunately i think it is prob a waste of time- however I would try and at least go to gp or see if you have a local women's centre that deals with these things so that you can get support and proper advice.

ethelfleda · 07/07/2019 20:57

This is not your fault. You were raped. His behaviour was beyond acceptable. I’m so sorry you experienced this Flowers

mollpop · 07/07/2019 20:58

You weren't complicit at all. You did what you needed to, to stop things escalating further. You did nothing wrong and it wasn't your fault

Littletabbyocelot · 07/07/2019 20:59

I think your reaction is normal. I was mugged years ago and while I am in no way comparing the impact in terms of behaviour I think it's related. You see, my bag wasn't snatched off me. I was told to hand it over. I wasn't threatened with violence though I thought it was implied. She asked me to take off my jewellery and I asked to keep my grandmother's ring which since its only value was sentimental she agreed to. She also let me keep my keys.

When I went to the police later, I thought they'd say I hadn't been mugged, I'd just given my stuff to someone who asked for it. They prosecuted her. Apparently it's a very common reaction, a form of self defense.

Surely the same applies with rape. This is not your fault and your behaviour does not mean you agreed to it. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

AlansLeftMoob · 07/07/2019 20:59

Re: Rape - I’m not acting like a “victim” I’m going to work and having family bbqs and carrying on as normal. I just want to make clear that the whole incident lasted less than ten seconds, I was probably penetrated a max of four times anally and then I managed to scramble forward. I only screamed and said no once and I didn’t call him out on it after.

Saying no once is enough. There's no way to "act like a victim". And the way you reacted was the only way you knew to react, nothing you said or did excuses his behaviour. In fact he was wrong the minute he kept following you home after you told him to go for his bus. Be it ten seconds or an hour this was rape, he raped you. He is a rapist. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It took me ten years to realise an ex had raped me. Men like them are the fucking scum of the earth, please don't blame yourself or think that certain things have to happen for it to be rape. He completely violated you. Please, speak to somebody who specialises in Rape/Sexual Assault.

Original poster
Changedname81 · 07/07/2019 21:00

Thank you so much for being supportive. I was expecting to get a lambasting for letting a stranger into my flat and for being so passive about the whole experience. Your kindness has meant a lot to me

I won’t report him. I suffer from low self esteem and anxiety and the thought of anything like that makes me want to blow into a paper bag. (I’m a weak person)

I saw him yesterday as I was walking through the town and he did a little half smile thing at me. Randomly seeing him from afar in a crowded high street with hustle and bustle (this is the only way I can describe it and it makes no sense) well it made me jump ... like if someone was hiding behind a tree or something. He was nowhere near me nor made any attempt to be

I think I’ll just carry on as normal. I already speak to someone twice a month for my anxiety and I know she is not specifically trained to deal with this but I shall mention it to her. She always starts my sessions by asking what’s happened in the last couple of weeks that made me feel good and what made me feel not so good and I didn’t say it to her last week.

Once again, your support just on this thread alone has been amazing x thank you to each of you who took the time to send me a message.

OP posts:
Mummyshark2018 · 07/07/2019 21:05

I'm glad you have someone to talk to. Please talk to them about it, hopefully they can help or refer you elsewhere. This is not your fault at all! Please get support though as this will eat away at you if you don't and will make your anxiety worse x

DecomposingComposers · 07/07/2019 21:11

OP you don't need to be planning on reporting him in order to access help and support. Rape crisis and other organisations provide support regardless if you are planning on reporting it. I'm glad you have someone appropriate to talk this over with.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/07/2019 21:12

Your friend is an idiot. You were raped. Flowers. Don’t be hard on yourself for letting him stay or pleasuring him. You’ve been conditioned to appease. This is how women act often in this situation.

Countrypie · 07/07/2019 21:12

I am not surprised you are not over this. It might take years to get over this because he basically anally raped you. You poor thing. Take good care of yourself and never blame what happened on yourself.

joystir59 · 07/07/2019 21:13

He just decided to rape you and thats exactly what he did. You need to look after yourself and be good to yourself and put in place boundaries to ensure this doesn't happen to you again.

SemperIdem · 07/07/2019 21:15

No, I would not be over that either. That was rape. I’m sorry that it happened to you. Flowers

Your “friend” is a fucking idiot by the way.

joystir59 · 07/07/2019 21:15

Please contact rape crisis/the police and get help. You will not get over this severe trauma without help.

Gth1234 · 07/07/2019 21:17

This reply has been deleted

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joystir59 · 07/07/2019 21:18

Please talk about it in your counselling session.

Backtobacktoback · 07/07/2019 21:18

I think as everyone has said this was a horrible thing to have happened to you.
I can imagine how embarrassed and violated even though it was the other person who should really be the one horrified at their behaviour.

I think the only way I could move on from this would be to explain to myself that I will do everything in my power to not let myself be made to feel that way again. There really are some horrible people in the world.

Take care xxx

BasilFaulty · 07/07/2019 21:18

Hi OP, I'm a police officer working on the rape and sexual assault unit. Please read up on 'Fight/Flight/Flop/Friend' model of victimology. All you were doing when you let him stay/drove him home/text him etc was falling into the 'Friend' survival mode. It's just as warranted as the 'Fight' mode (which btw less than 11% of rape victims fall into) It was your bodies way of protecting you at that specific time. It doesn't care about the repurcussions or the guilt you'll have afterwards, all your brain cares about at that moment is getting out alive.
You've done absolutely nothing wrong. Flowers

BasilFaulty · 07/07/2019 21:19

Just seen your post @gth1234
Educate yourself.

SemperIdem · 07/07/2019 21:19

Gth

She was frightened, the man had just anally raped her, she didn’t know what else he might be capable of doing to her. Easy to see how she ended up “doing other stuff” in that situation.

You victim blaming twat.

hardyloveit · 07/07/2019 21:21

@Gth1234 don't you dare blame the op!!!!!

Op do not listen to this stupid poster!! None of this is your fault!
It doesn't matter what happened before or after! The fact of the matter is he anally raped you - you said no and he didn't stop! You didn't consent to have anal sex!
Please talk to the person -you speak to about your anxiety- about this.

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