AIBU to not want to spend this much time with MIL?

[1stTimeMummy35]

My DD is 5 months old. Since birth my parents and MIL have visited her once per week. No issues with this initially as it was generally for a cup of tea and an hour or so with DD.

However, my MIL visits are getting longer and longer. For the last 6-8 weeks she has been spending 5-6 hours in my home. It is always during the week so DH is at work.

She also brings food for lunch that I’m expected to cook for her whilst she looks after DD. I have never asked her to do this. I then need to spend the afternoon making teas/coffee etc even although I’m desperately tired as DD is teething and isn’t sleeping great at all.

I just feel that she is over staying her welcome a little bit but not sure if IABU? She only lives 10 mins away so not as if she is travelling for hours to come and visit.

I was hoping to try to limit her visits by saying something along the lines of ‘pop over for a few hours in the morning before I meet x in the afternoon’ rather than being direct as don’t want to hurt her feelings or cause any family upset.

We do get on well but she can be overbearing and needy and has done a few things to irritate me since DD was born. All trivial but still annoying at the same time! So I’m not sure if that is clouding my judgement or whether I’m justified in not wanting to spend this amount of time with my MIL each week?

YANBU. She should at least come when her son is there. Think you need to get DH to have a word.

Stop cooking for her, and yes please say you are due to go out in an hours time to do errands and shoo her out when the hour's up.

Definitely say you have plans or an appointment.

@hmga90. My DH is fully onboard thankfully. I just wasn’t sure if I was being unreasonable to limit this time. I’m exhausted with it all to be honest. She has texted me several times today to try and arrange a visit for next week. I’m really busy with baby clubs, visits from friends (they live in Australia and are visiting family for a few weeks) and visit from family coming across from Ireland. I’ve not replied as I’d need to rearrange something in order to ‘fit her in’. I’ve been trying to see what I can move but I’m getting really annoyed at the constant chasing as if she should take priority 😬

Does she come on a set day? You need to find a baby group for that afternoon which will be great for DD.

Text her the night before giving her a time. Keep curtains shut and door locked. Make it an hour or 2 before dh is due in then he can chase her off!
You need to start filling in your week to be much less available. Swimming, soft play, baby sign, anything!!

@Forgotmycoat & @ScaryBunnyPainting. Thank you. I’m glad I’m not the only one that finds this a bit much!

Or if you are tired, do lunch, then tell her you are going upstairs for a nap, and leave her with DD for a couple of hours while you get a rest.

Just seen your update. Just tell her that you are too busy this week by next week Tuesday (or whatever) between x and y time is good.

You are being unreasonable to go along with this without saying anything. Pre-empt her by making an arrangement that suits you better; ask her to make you tea, etc.

@hormonesorDHbeingadick. No she doesn’t come on a set day. She tends to text at the weekend to arrange a date. Thought I could say that she is welcome on x day in the morning but I’ve got plans in the afternoon?

Maybe text back "This week is pretty crazy for me, I have loads on, maybe text dh and see if you guys can arrange something for when he is off", let him entertain his mother for a while

@Summertimeatthebeach. I’ve just signed up for another 2 baby classes! She has asked to come along to one....eh no!

I'm puzzled. You say you are desperately tired and you have a Grandma who wants to spend time there / with her dgc.

Why don't you take advantage of that and say "I'm glad you are able to stay - I'm exhausted. You okay keeping an eye on her while I catch up on a couple of hours sleep?" and head off for a catch up ?

Say no. She doesn't have to come every week, she doesn't have to come for that long, you definitely don't have to cook her lunch.

Would she not take the baby to a class or just out for a walk?

Oh, and I suspect the food thing is a perception thing. I would presume she was trying to not eat you out of house and home and it is her way of contributing.

You need to learn to be more direct OP. Yes she is old(er) but you have a tiny baby ffs. If she brings lunch round- point her in the direction of the oven/microwave etc. If she wants a cup of tea just casually say “you know where the kettle is!”

I understand her wanting to spend time with her GC but this is too much. Even coming twice a week for an hour would be an improvement for me, I couldn’t put up with her for that length of time in one sitting.

@Dontcarewhatimdoing. I would love to do this but DD just won’t settle with her!

I personally think you're being a little unreasonable, I think it's lovely she wants to spend time with your baby and if you're tired maybe you could get her to help you out. When I was tired once my ex mil took the baby for a 2 hour walk in the pram so I could sleep and made me lunch.

Why not ask her to babysit so you can run errands (or go get a coffee!)? She gets baby time, you get a break.

I’m sure she could push the baby around the block for an hour whilst you get some sleep.
Honestly- you have a MIL who wants to be involved, always texts before she comes round, brings her own food.

Stop making it such a drama. Let her help/ let her love her grandchild. She honestly sounds fine!

You need to take control. Tell her that you’re too busy this week and can’t see her.

@EarlyModernParent. You are right. I should have said something before now. Guess I just didn’t want to cause a fuss!

She should visit when your Dh is in. Unless I have missed something and he spends 5-6 hours a week entertaining your mother,