AIBU to not want to spend this much time with MIL?

[1stTimeMummy35]

My DD is 5 months old. Since birth my parents and MIL have visited her once per week. No issues with this initially as it was generally for a cup of tea and an hour or so with DD.

However, my MIL visits are getting longer and longer. For the last 6-8 weeks she has been spending 5-6 hours in my home. It is always during the week so DH is at work.

She also brings food for lunch that I’m expected to cook for her whilst she looks after DD. I have never asked her to do this. I then need to spend the afternoon making teas/coffee etc even although I’m desperately tired as DD is teething and isn’t sleeping great at all.

I just feel that she is over staying her welcome a little bit but not sure if IABU? She only lives 10 mins away so not as if she is travelling for hours to come and visit.

I was hoping to try to limit her visits by saying something along the lines of ‘pop over for a few hours in the morning before I meet x in the afternoon’ rather than being direct as don’t want to hurt her feelings or cause any family upset.

We do get on well but she can be overbearing and needy and has done a few things to irritate me since DD was born. All trivial but still annoying at the same time! So I’m not sure if that is clouding my judgement or whether I’m justified in not wanting to spend this amount of time with my MIL each week?

OMG I would have to leave the area and move 300 miles away!

Does the woman not have anything else to do???

You need to tell your DH to set her straight. A couple of hours a week is enough for a visit from ANYone IMO!

Hmmm, and as @Rosemary46 how strange that the visits are always when your DH is not in. Why should YOU entertain your MIL?

I agree that Yanbu not to want to spend so much time with your MIl. Often, the only time a relationship like this with a MIL starts is after a child is born and it can be uncomfortable trying to force things. If you are happy for her to take baby for a walk or watch tv whole you nap the that’s great. If you would rather not, you will have to start saying you’re busy or have an hour before such a group on Wednesday etc. It is ok to want time with your baby and time to get out and meet other people by yourself. Don’t feel bad!

I wouldn't arrange the times for the morning. Chances are she'll just hang about even if you say you have plans. Then you'll have to bundle the baby up and make a 'fake' exit and hide round the corner until she's out of site. Or even worse, she'll offer to drop you off or ask for you to drop her home on your way to your fake appointment.

I'd say I was busy in the morning and to come around 2pm. After lunch time so no cooking, and (I assume) much closer to the time your DH gets home.

If you're exhausted can you go for a nap while she's there? She might just think she's doing you a favour by being there but if you give her some jobs to do that might A) work in your favour or B) piss her off so she won't come as often - win/win

@CalmdownJanet. I have suggested that he takes DD to visit his DM over the weekend. He is less than keen as he works FT. He feels that I should play host so that it frees up the weekend. Although agrees that 5-6 hours is too long.

@BackforGood. DD is a little clingy at the moment and won’t settle or take a bottle from her so if I leave her to nap then she has a total meltdown and I feel guilty. I suspect you are right regarding the food. I know she does it to be kind but it’s just a little misplaced. I’m trying to watch what I eat in order to lose some baby weight so really don’t want to eat heavy lunches.

@bridgetreilly. I like seeing my parents weekly so my DH feels that it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t see MIL weekly as well!

Of course yanbu. Your home, your baby, your rules.
Practice saying things like ... MIL, it’s marvellous that you want come and spend time with x. But I’m going to be quite busy over the next few weeks, and I also want to have some time when it’s just x and me. As I mums know you’ll understand. Can we get the diary out and sort out some dates and times that will work for both of us?

@Ponoka7. She has asked to come along to a baby class but I don’t really want her to. I use this time to catch up with other mums from my antenatal group. I’ve said that DD settles best when being walked in her pram. She will take her out a short walk but has hip problems so really only out the house for 30 mins or so.

So does your husband see your parents weekly, too?

Say, you're too tired to cook and offer a ham sandwich instead (or something equally simple and boring).

Say you're busy all week so can't meet.

Say you're busy most of the week but offer to meet for an hour or so in a coffee shop the leave when you've had enough.

Say you're busy most of the week but offer two hours in the morning before you're friend comes round at 12. Arrange for a friend to visit at 12.

Say DH misses her and ask her to come on Saturday instead.

(I had this the opposite way round. Mil bitched she never saw DD yet only wanted to come after 7pm during the week which was when dd turned into a gremlin. I repeatedly offered weekday daytime visits but she'd only come if DP was at home)

He feels that I should play host so that it frees up the weekend. Although agrees that 5-6 hours is too long

So it's ok for your time to be taken up entertaining his mother but not his - charming man! You need to call a halt to this arrangement that only suits Dh and MIL, and start by putting her off visiting you this week. Simply text her and say 'this coming week doesn't suit to visit as I have a lot on. Dh will be free on Saturday so will arrange to meet up with you then'. And let your Dh spend time with her and baby. Then from next week you can tell her to call at 11 am and let her know you are going out for lunch at 1 with friends. Or tell her to call of an evening when Dh will be there.

@hmga90. I would prefer a few visits a week for an hour or so as well!

My MIL lives close too and we had the same problem. If I said no to a visit and gave a polite reason she would try to find a work around. When I said no I didn't want her round that day (after weeks of politeness) she called my husband to ask him (not saying she had already asked me). That was the last straw and now my husband takes baby to her when he is off. Baby is nearly 2 and it has gotten easier although she does still find reasons to pop in. It does seem to get easier when the baby becomes a toddler and is harder work

Yes that’s a good idea @breakfastpizza. I’d just be worried that DD wouldn’t settle but suppose I could organise it for once she has been fed and had a nap. She is much more tolerant then of other people!

Tell your DH that he has to bloody share the grandparent visits.

And yes be busy for part of the day or have her visit just before DH comes home.

@raspberryk & @Wishfulfilmwatching1. I appreciate that I do have a lovely MIL and I’m thankful that she takes such a keen interest in DD. I’m not stopping her from seeing/helping with DD but I just thought that she could do that in 2-3 hours rather than 5-6? My DH doesn’t even spend that amount of time with his DM. Before DD I seen her maybe once every 2-3 weeks so these visits do seem a lot to me.

Find a baby class that runs that day - there must be one. That way you won’t even be lying and you can say you’ve paid upfront for the term etc.

@fedup21. My DH thinks that would be rude as I’ve already arranged to see my parents this week (they are coming with relatives from Ireland as those relatives have never been to my house and don’t know then area so parents are driving them)

Yes as pp says just start getting a bit more specific when you text to arrange a time. ''Busy later this week but Monday morning is ok. Will have to go out at 11.00 but free till then''.

Next time arrange to meet out somewhere for a change while the weather is nice, walk and a coffee, and drop into the conversation at some point that you are having lunch/tea (which ever meal is next) with a friend at their house an hour or two.

No matter if it's all made up. It's your life and making a LITTLE time once a week with her is perfectly kind and fair and quite enough if that's what works for you.

This is the point I’m trying to make to DH @Rosemary46. Although he does seem to understand where I’m coming from....I think!

It sounds to me like she's filling her day and this has become a regular fixture in her routine. But obviously it means that you're having to spend a full day 'hosting' every week. She may also be enjoying herself l, think you are too, and not realise it's a bit much.

Can't DH say, 'mum would love it if you'd visit when I'm in for a change' and arrange at a time that's actually convenient for all?

If DH feels that his mother should visit weekly as your mother does, surely he can play host to his own mum?

What i would NOT do is actually book my life up to such a silly extent. It's fine to fib!

Why not take advantage of her being there - spend an hour with her then say you're tired and need a nap. Obviously she cooks her own lunch (ridiculous she expects you to cook!)