AIBU to not want to spend this much time with MIL?

[1stTimeMummy35]

My DD is 5 months old. Since birth my parents and MIL have visited her once per week. No issues with this initially as it was generally for a cup of tea and an hour or so with DD.

However, my MIL visits are getting longer and longer. For the last 6-8 weeks she has been spending 5-6 hours in my home. It is always during the week so DH is at work.

She also brings food for lunch that I’m expected to cook for her whilst she looks after DD. I have never asked her to do this. I then need to spend the afternoon making teas/coffee etc even although I’m desperately tired as DD is teething and isn’t sleeping great at all.

I just feel that she is over staying her welcome a little bit but not sure if IABU? She only lives 10 mins away so not as if she is travelling for hours to come and visit.

I was hoping to try to limit her visits by saying something along the lines of ‘pop over for a few hours in the morning before I meet x in the afternoon’ rather than being direct as don’t want to hurt her feelings or cause any family upset.

We do get on well but she can be overbearing and needy and has done a few things to irritate me since DD was born. All trivial but still annoying at the same time! So I’m not sure if that is clouding my judgement or whether I’m justified in not wanting to spend this amount of time with my MIL each week?

@pollysproggle

The problem is, if you aren't close to your DIL before kids come along...she may see it as having you only being interested in the GC.

I couldn't have handled my MIL for hours...and I notice in this and other threads...the DH doesn't want to..or ducks away from spending time with his DM...and the wife gets lumbered.

If you keep visits brief and don't only go when.your son is at work...it should be fine. Depending of course on the existing relationship...before GC come along.

You are not being unreasonable but your husband is!
Text her back and just say you are busy next week but have X day free the week after.
Your DH thinks this is unfair on his DM then he can take you DD to see her on his day off.
Visitation is not a competition between your parents and one set do not have to automatically see DD a certain week just because the other set have.
I get angry when people use the excuse that they work full time to get out of some parental duty that they would really rather avoid anyway.
Being home all the time with a needy teething baby isn't work? In my experience it's much harder then work and you don't get paid, appreciated or breaks.
If you want to be passive aggressive then text MIL back that you are busy but she should coordinate with your DH as to when he can take DD over for a visit.

I like seeing my parents weekly so my DH feels that it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t see MIL weekly as well!

This is the most bonkers thing I've read this week. It's his mother! Do you also hang out with DH friends to "free up his time"?

YANBU. I don't mind how much time MIL spends at my house, DH can hang out with her here any day of the week. But I wouldn't regularly entertain her by myself.

I feel a little sorry for her because her son (like most men) is a complete jerk who doesn't care about his family. Is there no way you could organise a regular baby sitting day? I know you said she doesn't walk well, would she take baby for a drive? Or to a baby group?

If she tries to invite herself to baby classes, maybe invent a mum-friend and tell her she's asked you over to hers for a 'baby play date'. I'd hope she wouldn't try to horn in on an invite to someone's home.

And I agree, if your DH wants his mum to have 'equal time', then he needs to arrange to do that himself.

Definitely say no to her joining baby groups with you "That'll be weird MIL, group is for DD and me to make frienss".

There's a a difference between coming as a one off when you're well-established member in group so she can watch child do activity, like swimming. But it'd be weird for her to try to muscle in to go every week. They're mostly aimed at supporting mothers to make other mum/baby friends , and bond, very hard to do with a second person/ grandparent awkwardly sat there too!

I have suggested that he takes DD to visit his DM over the weekend. He is less than keen as he works FT. He feels that I should play host so that it frees up the weekend. Although agrees that 5-6 hours is too long

He’s got a damn cheek! It’s not your job to maintain the relationship between your MIL , her son and his child. It’s HIS. Either he feels this is worth spending HIS time on or it’s not. As a PP said, do you see his friends for him to free up his time ?

Invite MIL to come over at the weekend instead. You will soon see how much your husband wants her to come for 5-6 hours weekly.

If you don’t stop this now it will soon be a routine that you can’t stop without it becoming a huge issue.

How entitled of your DH to spend YOUR time for you. That makes me see red.

He can manage the family's relationship with his mother- don't start doing this emotional labour for him! Is he happy to meet your parents alone for his lunch break once or twice a week? No? That's not reasonable? Well neither is what he is expecting of you!

You are a person in your own right. Not just a social secretary for your child. If you don't want to spend a whole day a week with MIL then you are under no moral obligation to.

This is a great time to get into a rhythm with your baby, make life long friendships with other mums, catch up on needed sleep etc. don't waste it making cups of tea for a woman with boundary issues.

Be less available. Slowly adjust her expectations by being busy/ on your way out / suggesting that the weekend works better so there isn't a sudden blow up. And then stick to it.

Ugh. I would hate this. Your dh is taking the piss. Is she a nice woman? Would you enjoy her company if u had a bit (lot) less of it?!
My in laws used to 'pop' in when our first dd was new born. I asked if they could text and let me know and fil asked if it was because I had my negligee on?!
Anyway, they took their bat and ball home and didn't call in at all after that.
It's partly a generational thing I think. But your baby/your mat leave so whether you see her or not yanbu.
It's not good how your dh has been about this.
Could u meet mil in a cafe so you can leave after a bit?

As with many posts on here-you have a DH problem!

I used to have the same problem with my MIL too when my children were small. You must put boundaries in place. She is probably a bit lonely, but it's not your job to fill that loneliness. If you're not happy with it please speak up. At least your DH is on board. Mine wasn't and couldn't understand why I wouldnt want to spend so much time with his mother. Even if I'd made other plans he used to expect me to include his mother too just because she'd planned to come over and he didn't want to upset her. Stick to your guns and start as you mean to go on OP..

Sorry hadn't RTFT and hadn't seen the comments about you.DH arranging your time for you. Yep.. you have a DH problem..address it now otherwise you'll be stuck like me 20 years down the line wondering why you put up with it..

I like seeing my parents weekly so my DH feels that it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t see MIL weekly as well!

He's arranging your time, so why not arrange his: hand over DD on Saturday morning and take yourself off out. He can arrange DD/MIL time on his time not yours.

Being a SAHM is full on full-time work. When do you get chance to decompress?

I like seeing my parents weekly so my DH feels that it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t see MIL weekly as well!

Nope nope noppity nope. When DH has to spend 6 hours a week with your mother, you can agree to do the same with his. Selfish git!

Tell her you are too busy this week, which is obviously true, but (an hour before DH gets home) the following week would be great. You could even give her dinner if you like, that way nobody can say you aren't being welcoming etc.

DH is opting out of this and you need to tackle it.

I think half the problem with the visits from my mil was that she didn’t actually want to do anything, just sit in my house, drink tea and coo at the baby. At least with my mum we’d go for a dog walk, wander round the shops, go out for coffee etc. I didn’t want to spend hours sitting in my living room with or without my mil to be honest! Would it help to try and meet her for coffee or an outing OP?

I would just pop round to her house for a coffee one afternoon, stay an hour or two and leave.

Thank you for all your comments/advice/suggestions. I’ll take them on board. Especially visiting her at her home as then I can control length of visit. She definitely isn’t coming to a baby class as that is time for DD and I to meet other mums and babies.

I text her this morning to arrange a visit on x date this week (didn’t have much choice as she text DH last night as I hadn’t responded and he suggested this date and that I would be in contact) but apparently she is busy that day. I then suggested meeting after baby class on y date for a coffee. This doesn’t suit as she doesn’t get to spend quality time with DD. I got a little fed up at this point so advised that these are my only free times and if they don’t suit then will need to contact DH to see if he can visit with DD over the weekend!

Phew!

I’m awaiting the reply.....

I never understand these threads.
Just tell her you are busy next week with so many visitors as people travelling long distances.
Then arrange something the following week.
Mine are often busy doing different things, they just tell me they can't fit me in that week.
I don't see the problem tbh.

Yanbu

She's essentially taking up 1 day a week, that's 20% of your free time, just by demanding it. Most people couldn't accommodate that even if you wanted her there that long (errands, down time, going to baby groups).

Definitely need to rearrange for when your DH is there, and just point out all the other things you have on ("not sure when works, we have baby massage, then an apt then health visitor all next week. Speak to DH to arrange time when he's here and you can catch up with him too".)

Personally I'd just use DH as my shield.

It's not your job to entertain granAND a newborn at the same time every week.

It's different if she can look after newborn to allow you to nap, or makes you food or does laundry.. but you're talking about having to host her at the same time as childcare... Wtf?!

Does dh stay in with your mum once a week? Suggest this to him, or that he takes baby to his mums.

Why did DH suggest any date to her at all? Did he ask you before he did so? Don’t let him be arranging your time - stay in control of your week.

I see people have said let DH arrange - only do this if it’s absolutely clear that he is only arranging for the weekend when HE is free to take baby and you have no plans as your own family of three.

He is not to suggest times in the week and expect you to host.

OP I have just seen your update and I think you have been very fair. You suggested 2 times this week (when you have a very busy week!) and when your MIL was busy on both, you referred her to you DH to see if he had any other vacant times this week. If he doesn’t (or is unwilling to sacrifice his precious weekends!), then don’t you sacrifice your time and tiredness to pick up the shortfall! One week away won’t hurt anyone, and might break the cycle of these long visits.

Then you can start again the following week, suggesting perhaps coming at 4pm for afternoon tea, and how onderful, she could also see DH for a few moments when he gets home from work, before everyone heads off for dinner.

Your husband is the selfish player in this story OP! He is throwing you under the bus expecting you to accommodate his mom and only on his terms and timeframe. He is also expecting tit for tat visits with your mother and his: that is the unreasonable part of this story, however I don't know why you don't push him more about this-he can't have his cake and eat it too!

Your husband is not a very caring person apparently. Not arsed that you are knackered, doesn’t care that his Mum wants to see his daughter and thinks the women in his life should facilitate his free time as he sees fit. Even going as far as scheduling his wife’s time to ensure he is not inconvenienced by anyone. He sounds like a right catch. Tell him that his mum and his child = his responsibility.

I would be having serious words with your husband, if I were you. How dare he arrange your time for you and partially arrange a day this week for you to see her!
Agree with those saying that you could perhaps go along with this plan the day (in hell!) that he agrees to sep d a similar amount of time alone with your mother. That is the comparison he should be making, not how much time you spend with your own mum. Why does he think you would relish that time with his mum if he can't stand to spend it himself?