AIBU to not want to spend this much time with MIL?

[1stTimeMummy35]

My DD is 5 months old. Since birth my parents and MIL have visited her once per week. No issues with this initially as it was generally for a cup of tea and an hour or so with DD.

However, my MIL visits are getting longer and longer. For the last 6-8 weeks she has been spending 5-6 hours in my home. It is always during the week so DH is at work.

She also brings food for lunch that I’m expected to cook for her whilst she looks after DD. I have never asked her to do this. I then need to spend the afternoon making teas/coffee etc even although I’m desperately tired as DD is teething and isn’t sleeping great at all.

I just feel that she is over staying her welcome a little bit but not sure if IABU? She only lives 10 mins away so not as if she is travelling for hours to come and visit.

I was hoping to try to limit her visits by saying something along the lines of ‘pop over for a few hours in the morning before I meet x in the afternoon’ rather than being direct as don’t want to hurt her feelings or cause any family upset.

We do get on well but she can be overbearing and needy and has done a few things to irritate me since DD was born. All trivial but still annoying at the same time! So I’m not sure if that is clouding my judgement or whether I’m justified in not wanting to spend this amount of time with my MIL each week?

So your dh thinks because YOU see YOUR parents once a week that mil should get to see ds the same too but he won't do it?? Because he likes his weekends free?? He is a cheeky fucker. Stamp this out now!!

"Sorry mil, been a busy day and I'm up the walls this week. Does Tuesday at 10 suit? Just for an hour or so as I need to be gone by 12. Dh said you text him, sorry I meant to get back to you sooner but actually texting him for visits from now on is a good idea, he'll be in charge of visits for his side and me mine once I am back to work so best start that routine now"

And frankly if "Mr. I like my weekends free so you see to my mother but make sure it's equal to your parents" doesn't like it well he can go fuck himself, cheeky sod

I think it has become a routine @SolsticeBabyMaybe. Which is why I’m finding it hard to break and worry that I’m being unreasonable to do so. DH and his mum do clash a fair bit so don’t think DH really wants to spend the extra time with her. I’m more laid back normally and try to keep the peace but it’s just becoming too much.

My DH is a teacher so I told him I would see his mum if he saw my mum at least once a week when he was on summer break for a full day. That was another time when he realised there is a difference and I could see my mum once a week and not want to see his! Same with the constant messages. I asked how he'd feel if my mum messaged him constantly. If I didn't reply she would copy and paste the same message and send it again and again. Maybe get DH to ask her how she would have felt if her MIL visited a full day a week when he was little?

YANBU, you’re entitled to simply say no, especially if you’ve had a tough night. And tell your DP your DD isn’t a toy to be shared equally between parents, the world won’t implode if you see your mum a little more often some weeks. Enjoy your baby, I hope you’re able to set some boundaries with MIL.

@BlueJava. If DD would settle then this would be great but she is super clingy to me at the moment and is known for throwing a complete meltdown when left with others (not just MIL)

I think you are being little unreasonable. She probably feels she is keeping you company and helping out.
I do think 5 hours at a time is a rather long time if you are not really close, but she loves her grand daughter and wants to spend time with her.
Someone said she should come only when you DH is there, why?

I hate loathe and detest my SIL.

Relevant.

Granted it was in the early 90's and she would try and pin us down, but only if we did the drive South - North.....

I bought a paper diary and I filled in fictitious arrangements months in advance, so when she tried to buttonhole me, I would say ooh let me get the diary, and then read out fictitious arrangements that read well, because I could read them off pat.

She eventually figured out that we were not available for manipulation.

Don't miss her one bit.

She won’t be clingy forever - building that relationship will work in your favour in the long run. Just give her an end time to her visit every time, and either a morning OR an afternoon - bollocks to the cooking her food thing.

MiL how nice to hear from you. Thursday from 10-12 would be great but it will have to end at 12 as I have other things I need sort out.

Every time.

You need to play it smart here. Tell her this week is pretty hectic, but 4pm on X day might work. That means DH would be home soon. Don't discuss it with him...just tell MIL.

Going forwards...could you perhaps sometimes say you'll pop over to her place...then you're in control of when you leave. After an hour..say you're tired and want to rest at home.

It's not a matter of fairness...his MIL can come when her son is home
..being on maternity leave might seem like a doddle to him...but you really don't need her pushing herself on you for hours at a time...talk less of the baby groups.

Tell her you're going with some other mums.

Your baby also needs to settle with others too. It will make your life easier... why not on one visit, leave DD with MIL and go to the shops for an hour...when DD realises you're not around...she will settle.

If she doesn't get used to others...how will you go back to work.

Next time before she texts you..text her to say you've got a few things on and plans pending...so not sure this week (whatever week it is) will work. Be politely non committal.

It's not too late just because you tried it one way and now you find it isn't working for you. You can be unavailable to her sometimes. That is a perfectly reasonable way to start setting boundaries. Being too busy next week is a great week to start. Being inconsistent with her is a great first step, if you don't feel you can make harder boundaries yet. There's no down side to letting real life giving you excellent excuses to protect your privacy.

Ugh I'm dreading becoming a mother in law.

Maybe utilise her time better? If you're signing up to all these baby groups and she wants to go maybe have a standing arrangement where she takes your baby to one each week and you can catch up on some sleep then she comes and spends a few hours with you?

Someone said she should come only when you DH is there, why?

I think it's because the OP entertaining MIL for 5 to 6 hours on her own is too much.

The problem is also when you weren't so close in the beginning and because you have a child...the inlaws think you want to see them for hours on end...when their own son doesn't want to see his DM much...if at all.

@pollysproggle

Ugh I'm dreading becoming a mother in law.
Why?

Just text her and say sorry, really busy next week, how about 3pm on x date the week after.

If your DH complains that you’re seeing your family next week, you have a DH problem. He can’t expect you to manage equal time between your mum and his mum - he has to take responsibility for maintaining relationships with his side, not expect you to do it as a wife-work job. You’re not on maternity leave to sort his life for him.

I'd say that you're in charge of facilitating contact with your family and he with his.
Throw him a bone and say you'll pop into his mums for a hour once a week. If he thinks it should be more he can pop over with her.
Bet he doesn't.
Go to hers as you're socialising dd in different environments.
No to her coming to groups as you want to meet other mums too and it would be awkward.

The thing for me here is that yes maybe dh is right that it's fair for dd to spend equal time with each grandparent - but he does not get to dictate your time. To say it would be rude for you not to host your mil solo for hours one week because you have already arranged to see you parents is just is manipulative way of getting you to comply to his wishes.
If he wants to keep the visits fair then he has to play a role too. Also if she is visiting for hours each time then surely your parents are entitled to some catch up time if they only get an hour or so a week as they are sensible in their scheduling!

The fact that he could have taken the baby to see her this weekend when he went anyway but chose not to and then is insisting you rearrange your week to see her is plain manipulative.

I would be texting back saying sorry your week this week is choc a block so it is not possible to set a day aside for her. But that you have suggested dh can bring dd over to her on sat/sun and leave them to it. Going forward yes I would invite her much later in the day so that you dont need to do lunch and your dh can entertain her when he comes in. Or invite her early but have plans to leave the house after an hour. You need to knock this one on the head and stop the manipulation. A MM favourite - you dont (just) have a mil problem but a 'd'h problem!!

Your husband is silly
And your mil is a cf
She might not realise that it bothers you that she stays that long. But you are bu for not telling her ! If you are to scared to speak up just make sure to leave the house everytime she comes over after 1hr or so. That might inspire her to back off a bit.

And make sure you do this on weekends. Because your husband is such an *$$ for wanting his weekends free (leaving you to deal with her duringthe week) righto. .. not on!!

OP - I had this. Barely saw Mil pre baby then on mat leave was expected to entertain her several time weekly.

Firstly - you are entitled to see your mum more. That’s your relationship with her, aside from baby, and it doesn’t need to be equal. If your dp wants his mum to spend more time with the baby he is perfectly able to arrange that himself.

Secondly - visit her instead, then you can leave when you want. Echo the advice about baby classes, either real or fictitious.

I put an end to it when I realised I was being guilt tripped by my mil about wanting to see my own mum a bit more than her and that as a 34 year old woman I was getting a bit fed up having to account to her for my whereabouts on a weekly basis. Started consistently directing her to dh to arrange visits and she eventually got the message.

Can you not enlist your mother to help? Even if it's to come at the same time as your mil or you can tell your bloke that your mother will be coming for the afternoon every weekend from now on so he can spend some time with her.

Just to make a point? Depends on what kind of relationship you have with your mother though to get her in on it. I'd be helping one of my kids like a shot if they had an overbearing IL.

Tried to get DH to take DD to MIL when he visited yesterday but he found an excuse not to take her.

DH and his mum do clash a fair bit so don’t think DH really wants to spend the extra time with her.

The more you post, the more it sounds like a DH problem. He doesn't want to make an effort with his mum, so he wants you to do it for him?

@SandyY2K
Because I know I'm probably going to be the overstepping type myself!

I also think it's perfectly normal to see more of the in-laws when you have children. I'd only see my mother in law at the odd family get together prior to having my son. Now she pops over on weekdays when DH is at work. Granted not for 5-6 hours though but if she did stay that long I'd put her time to good use

So your dh thinks because YOU see YOUR parents once a week that mil should get to see ds the same too but he won't do it?? Because he likes his weekends free?? He is a cheeky fucker. Stamp this out now!!

Thank god for @CalmdownJanet I thought I was going mad reading all this stuff about how you should be grateful for someone treating you like a doormat.

Oh you poor thing, that sounds like a horribly awkward situation and a big imposition on you. The problem is that you've unwittingly allowed this to gradually become the status quo, and now it feels rude to cut back on the time. So easily done and so bloody difficult to navigate an exit lol.

I 100% agree with posters saying to make this your DH's problem. It's his mum, he has days off. Tell her you're super busy this week but don't worry, DD won't miss out on seeing her granny because DH will be in touch to arrange something over the weekend. Do this a few times and then that becomes the new status quo. Then it's DH's problem if he wants to cut back on the visits. Much easier to have these conversations with your own mother than your MIL.

And at least you've learned a lesson here - your MIL has boundary issues and if you give an inch she'll take a mile. Good to know for the future so that you can have a nice relationship with her without something like this happening again. You'll see it coming a mile off next time.

Invite her over for dinner so she can be there when your DH gets home. Leave them to clear up afterwards while you have a break. Tell her to arrive late afternoon after baby and you have had a nap. MIL can play with baby while you cook or spend time doing something that interests you.

That way she gets to spend time with her DS and GC.

Would it be so radical to tell her the (softened) truth?

"Yeah sure mil, let's say Tues at 10, but lets keep it short and sweet, just an hour (/ hour & 1/2). I'm finding long visits from anyone exhausting."

"Lovely seeing you MIL but I'm tired/ want to have some quiet time with DD, so off you pop home now. See you again soon. .... "