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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to spend this much time with MIL?

160 replies

1stTimeMummy35 · 07/07/2019 19:40

My DD is 5 months old. Since birth my parents and MIL have visited her once per week. No issues with this initially as it was generally for a cup of tea and an hour or so with DD.

However, my MIL visits are getting longer and longer. For the last 6-8 weeks she has been spending 5-6 hours in my home. It is always during the week so DH is at work.

She also brings food for lunch that I’m expected to cook for her whilst she looks after DD. I have never asked her to do this. I then need to spend the afternoon making teas/coffee etc even although I’m desperately tired as DD is teething and isn’t sleeping great at all.

I just feel that she is over staying her welcome a little bit but not sure if IABU? She only lives 10 mins away so not as if she is travelling for hours to come and visit.

I was hoping to try to limit her visits by saying something along the lines of ‘pop over for a few hours in the morning before I meet x in the afternoon’ rather than being direct as don’t want to hurt her feelings or cause any family upset.

We do get on well but she can be overbearing and needy and has done a few things to irritate me since DD was born. All trivial but still annoying at the same time! So I’m not sure if that is clouding my judgement or whether I’m justified in not wanting to spend this amount of time with my MIL each week?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 07/07/2019 21:07

Before baby I assume you both worked full time and you had to fit social life into weekends. So dh still has to fit seeing his mum into weekends, and now he can take baby too. Not every week but every few weeks presumably!

Original poster
1stTimeMummy35 · 07/07/2019 21:08

@bingbongnoise. I do sometimes wish my MIL stayed a little further out and my parents a little closer. My parents seem to understand boundaries and I don’t think my MIL does! Tried to get DH to take DD to MIL when he visited yesterday but he found an excuse not to take her.

OP posts:
Cryalot2 · 07/07/2019 21:08

She sounds lonely and bored . She needs a hobby or something
Ber suggesting going to the classes is way ott.
You need rescuing from her.

brainfrying · 07/07/2019 21:10

Could you let her go to one baby group with you seeing as they are only an hour long?
But get her to meet you there and then tell her you are going to your friends who lives in the next street or your weekly shop. Do this every week. If she wants another visit do it at th weekend so your DP can get rid of her after an hour

Laiste · 07/07/2019 21:13

The baby class thing is quite odd IMO. Personally i'd find it harder to deal with that as it's a straight out request with a yes or no and i'm not good at no. I can see me having to fudge through that one and avoid a plain answer for as long as poss.

Laiste · 07/07/2019 21:18

To keep things a bit more simple at this stage (baby is very young) i wouldn't be trying to organise your DHs relationship with his mother or force him to go round there at weekends ect. as a reaction to this situation.

Deal with your own relationship with her on your own terms. He's fine about you only wanting a short time with her so go with that. If you have to skip a week now and then and he ever gets shirty about that then THAT'S the time to bring up the fact that you see her more than him.

Laiste · 07/07/2019 21:19

Another thought - some weeks suggest you go to hers. Then you're in total control of how long it goes on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/07/2019 21:19

The suggestions to leave MIL and the baby to it aren’t taking into consideration what OP has said about the visits. I don’t have in laws but when my mum comes over she makes us drinks, plays with my baby, folds clean linen, brings ready to eat lunches and lovely treats, changes nappies when needed, asks me how I am and is here to spend time with us both. When my dad and SM (who keep telling me they’re looking after DD when I go back to work) come over they plonk themselves down, expect to be waited on with food and drinks, talk about themselves and create work for me. They’re lovely, like seeing DD and I enjoy seeing them but I’d never leave them with her, not for an hour while I napped, not for 5 minutes. I wouldn’t trust either of them to know how to change her nappy or get me when she’s hungry.

Some people are guests, even when they’re family, and their visits don’t make your life easier!

poglets · 07/07/2019 21:25

Best way forward is to make yourself a lot busier out of the house, take a step back from MIL and your DH needs to be present in his relationship with his own mother.

BackforGood · 07/07/2019 21:42

how strange that the visits are always when your DH is not in.

Not really. When her dh is there, OP has another pair of hands / chance for a break - whether that is to get something done or to have a bath or a sleep or whatever. During the week, the days on your own with a little baby can feel long - I'm assuming the MiL remembers this and (like it does to me) assumes it is more helpful to have a bit of help in the week.

5 - 6 hours does seem a little long, but she is asking you in advance when it would work, so ask her to come when you baby goes down for her nap, have a bit to eat together then say you are going to sleep too, and will she be alright if baby wakes up before you.
or
Ask her to take the little one even for a 30minute walk (which you say she can manage).
or
Ask her to come over at 3pm, so it won't be that long before she has to go home for tea.

This really seems like a MiL who can't win. She is doing everything that people think MiLs should do on here and still it's wrong.

Original poster
1stTimeMummy35 · 07/07/2019 21:49

Thank you @Gustavo1. I know the situation needs to change but wanted unbiased views before I set anything in motion.

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Original poster
1stTimeMummy35 · 07/07/2019 21:51

@AcrossthePond55. Oh I never thought of that. Would be a little awkward if that was to happen!

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Original poster
1stTimeMummy35 · 07/07/2019 21:53

@AlansLeftMoob. A nap would be good but DD just doesn’t settle well with her. MIL has hip problems so doesn’t like to do very many ‘jobs’ in case it aggregates her condition.

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Original poster
1stTimeMummy35 · 07/07/2019 21:55

Yes I could definitely give that a go @Giraffey1. Maybe a little softer than a direct approach so will cause less upset.

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Original poster
1stTimeMummy35 · 07/07/2019 21:56

No he doesn’t @HollowTalk. He sees them once every 2-3 weeks (sometimes longer)!

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Laiste · 07/07/2019 21:58

It's not rocket science to understand the concept of outstaying your welcome somewhere. I wouldn't stay 5/6 hours at anyone's house unless i'd been specifically invited for that amount of time.

Normal social rules still apply when you become a MIL and just because one of your children have had a child of their own it doesn't mean suddenly it's any harder to 'win' Hmm

Original poster
1stTimeMummy35 · 07/07/2019 22:00

@DrDentyst. I do need to make changes to this routine that I’ve gotten myself into with MIL. Thank you for your suggestions. I’ll just need to put my big girl pants on and use them.

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Original poster
1stTimeMummy35 · 07/07/2019 22:03

@Drum2018. DH feels that it would be unfair on him given that he works FT and I’m on mat leave! He likes the weekend free so he can wind down after work and spend tine with DD. Evenings aren’t great as DD is really unsettled after 7pm so wouldn’t take her anywhere or want visitors whilst I’m trying to settle her.

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Original poster
1stTimeMummy35 · 07/07/2019 22:05

@Mumofone1858. I’ve had similar this evening. I’ve yet to reply to a few texts (as was hoping for a few responses on here first) and now she has just text DH to chase me. I’m now even more frustrated and don’t want to respond at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
1stTimeMummy35 · 07/07/2019 22:07

@mogtheexcellent. I think I’ll just need to get better at being busy for part of the day. It’s the only way which will cause the least upset!

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Original poster
1stTimeMummy35 · 07/07/2019 22:09

I have registered for a few baby classes @Cookit. The only problem is that she seems to try and invite herself to join them with me!

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Dodahdodah · 07/07/2019 22:12

She would drive me nuts! I would have to stop her visiting like this. Plain speaking works.

Isthisit22 · 07/07/2019 22:12

Don't feel like you have to fill your days with activities OP. You are allowed to spend time in your own home without having to explain that to others.
Start phasing your MIL to once every other week and if your husband is so worried about being 'fair' then he can take your DD to his mother's himself.
Don't let your DH make you feel guilty. Facilitating his family visits is not up to you. Bloody wife work!

mummTum · 07/07/2019 22:13

5/6 hour visits are too long and would annoy me too. But it is nice that your mil wants to spend time with her gd. Why don’t you go to hers? Then she waits on you and you control the time of the visit.

Original poster
1stTimeMummy35 · 07/07/2019 22:14

I think this is the best option @Laiste. I do want her to be able to spend time with DD and form a lovely relationship (like I did with my GPs) but at a slightly slower pace if you know what I mean. She is quite obsessed with her at the moment which may be because she is the first grandchild but I just want her to chill out a bit.

OP posts: