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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to spend this much time with MIL?

160 replies

1stTimeMummy35 · 07/07/2019 19:40

My DD is 5 months old. Since birth my parents and MIL have visited her once per week. No issues with this initially as it was generally for a cup of tea and an hour or so with DD.

However, my MIL visits are getting longer and longer. For the last 6-8 weeks she has been spending 5-6 hours in my home. It is always during the week so DH is at work.

She also brings food for lunch that I’m expected to cook for her whilst she looks after DD. I have never asked her to do this. I then need to spend the afternoon making teas/coffee etc even although I’m desperately tired as DD is teething and isn’t sleeping great at all.

I just feel that she is over staying her welcome a little bit but not sure if IABU? She only lives 10 mins away so not as if she is travelling for hours to come and visit.

I was hoping to try to limit her visits by saying something along the lines of ‘pop over for a few hours in the morning before I meet x in the afternoon’ rather than being direct as don’t want to hurt her feelings or cause any family upset.

We do get on well but she can be overbearing and needy and has done a few things to irritate me since DD was born. All trivial but still annoying at the same time! So I’m not sure if that is clouding my judgement or whether I’m justified in not wanting to spend this amount of time with my MIL each week?

OP posts:
Whoops75 · 08/07/2019 13:29

Could she take the baby out for a walk for an hour while you nap?

I’m sure she would love to walk the neighborhood with the buggy.

Owlbert · 08/07/2019 13:34

I like your response, if your dh can't/won't rearrange just say something like 'that's a shame we'll try and catch up next week'. In future if you are happy to give 2 or 3 slots you can do but keep them short as you suggested e.g Tues am but need to be out of the house by 11:30am or Thurs 4pm for a couple of hours then you can usher her out before bedtime. Try to change slots every week or it becomes habit as you said and times get longer. Good luck!

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 08/07/2019 13:35

Whoops, the OP has already said that her mil has health issues which mean she wouldn't/couldn't do that for that long. Nor does it seem she wants to.

Summertimeatthebeach · 08/07/2019 13:37

Suggest she comes at tea time and dh can cook for you all....

Rachelover40 · 08/07/2019 13:49

Not unreasonable, 5-6 hours is a long time to be in someone's company and stops you doing things you'd like (having a kip with my baby was one of mine). If it was once a week you could cope but not every week.

Bringing food - for YOU to cook - is unreasonable and unfair. Sandwiches would be better and easier, perhaps something that goes in the microwave or soup and a roll when the weather is cooler.

1stTimeMummy35 Sun 07-Jul-19 19:57:48
Thought I could say that she is welcome on x day in the morning but I’ve got plans in the afternoon?

Sounds like a sensible plan to me.

She could miss a week too, it wouldn't hurt. You've said you are going to be busy with various things next or this week so tell her to come the following week.

MulticolourMophead · 08/07/2019 13:54

So your dh thinks because YOU see YOUR parents once a week that mil should get to see ds the same too but he won't do it?? Because he likes his weekends free?? He is a cheeky fucker. Stamp this out now!!

And frankly if "Mr. I like my weekends free so you see to my mother but make sure it's equal to your parents" doesn't like it well he can go fuck himself, cheeky sod

Agree with this and all the other posts about DH. He's shirking his responsibilities onto you. He sounds like he's stepped out of the 1950s with this "I work FT and need my weekend to rest" crap. He can certainly take his turn to host MIL or to visit with DD.

When do you get a break? Time to yourself to rest? He needs to stop trying to dump wifework onto you and expecting you to fulfil his obligations.

I naturally saw my DM more than I saw MIL, I was spending time with her for myself as her DD, I wasn't just taking the DCs along to visit.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/07/2019 14:11

Good! Sounds as if you're starting to take control already!

Laiste · 08/07/2019 14:18

You've offered 2 times which suit you and she's quite comfortable refusing them. One of them simply on the grounds that she doesn't like the choice of venue! Hmm

Take strength from this OP. Do as she does. It's obviously ok to be blunt, she's happy to be after all ... If something doesn't suit then say so.

Stick you your guns and begin making changes. Give yourself an 8 week deadline to be totally out of this routine with her and doing it on your own terms everytime. No more 5/6 hour visits at your house.

Gustavo1 · 08/07/2019 14:28

I like seeing my parents weekly so my DH feels that it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t see MIL weekly as well!

Now to me, this is the beginning of wife work! Soon his relationship with his mum will be your responsibility as you will become the main point of contact, person buying cards, gifts etc. He will get the credit of course!

Your relationship with your mum has no bearing on your relationship with his mum. For most people, it’s an entirely different relationship with different history, boundaries, the works. Sorry, but that assumption really gets on my nerves!

Leave it for this week. You aren’t being awkward if you have filled your time and she has filled hers. Suggest an afternoon one day next week or better still, leave it to the weekend so your DH can visit with his own parent!

SavingSpaces2019 · 08/07/2019 15:06

DH feels that it would be unfair on him given that he works FT and I’m on mat leave!
Does he think you sit on your arse watching Netflix all day or something?
Your mat leave is for you and your dc to enjoy before you go back to work - not play PA to his responsibilities re his mother.

He just wants an easy life and doesn't care that it's at your expense.
What happens when you do back to work?
Is he going to take responsibility for arranging visits with his mum?
This is the only precious time you've got with your dc before working again so don't let them ruin it.

Chovihano · 08/07/2019 15:20

What does he do at the weekend OP, does he take his equal parenting role? He can take them to his mums then and you can have a break.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/07/2019 17:06

DH feels that it would be unfair on him given that he works FT and I’m on mat leave!

Don't kid yourself. If you buy that and let this continue you'll find that when (if) you return to work, your DH will have 'valid' (to him) reasons why you should 'carry on, you're doing it already what's the big deal?'.

Original poster
1stTimeMummy35 · 08/07/2019 18:40

I know that DH probably isn’t coming across in the best light but in fairness he does work stupid long hours with a lengthy commute. When I mentioned ‘free’ weekend I meant it in the sense he likes the weekend as family time for the 3 of us rather than use up the only quality time he gets to spend with DD on visits from friends/family members.

I do see his point of view as he only gets to spend an hour or so with DD in the evening so of course he wants to spend time alone/together with her at the weekend.

Think it’s more the fact that he feels that I need to spend equal time with MIL and my parents that annoys me.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 08/07/2019 18:50

Why did he chose not to take DD when he visited MIL at the weekend?

Original poster
1stTimeMummy35 · 08/07/2019 19:33

@LannieDuck. He said that he only wanted to pop in for a quick visit. If he had taken DD then the visit would have been longer than he intended. This is what kind of promoted my discussion about MIL visits as I felt it was ok for him to have a quick visit whereas I was having extended visits weekly.

OP posts:
Original poster
1stTimeMummy35 · 08/07/2019 19:34

*prompted not promoted

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 08/07/2019 20:27

Yes, agreed. It's one rule for him and another for you.

berryhead2013 · 08/07/2019 20:27

I was exactly in the same position as you. my mil would come in wake the very small baby ask to feed her kept taking the bottle away so she could talk to her leaving a very tired grumpy overstimulated baby she started off staying for 3-4 hours then worked her way up to 8 hrs my baby would pretty much scream all day then when she was leaving , if the baby had fallen asleep she would wake the baby to say goodbye I nearly killed mil this went on for far too long nearly two years my dc never ever settled when she was there so I joined 5 toddlers groups and said you can come in the morning we have plans in the afternoon I was at breaking point with the visits who the fuck stays at someone's house for 8 hours with a newborn 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
Make plans if you don't make plans lie about them don't let it go on too long like I did xxx

Rosemary46 · 08/07/2019 20:36

Think it’s more the fact that he feels that I need to spend equal time with MIL and my parents that annoys me

Why is he deciding what you do with your maternity leave ? He’s not your line manager .

You are right that he’s not coming over in a good light, in fact he sounds like a controlling arsehole.

How exactly it is going to work when you go back to work ? You need to stop this nonsense now , you are making a rod for your back pandering to him like this.

coconutpie · 08/07/2019 21:14

Your DH is coming across as an extremely selfish man in all of this. Just because you spend time with your parents, doesn't mean you have to spend equal amount of time with his parents. Typical that he expects you to give up your time during the week to get the work out of the way by entertaining his mother and then he doesn't need to give up any of his free time at the weekend. What relevance is it that he works long hours? So do you!! You're on maternity leave, it's a 24/7 job! He gets breaks at work, you get no breaks during the day. I would be stopping these visits with MIL and tell DH if he's so concerned with his mother seeing her grandchild, then he can arrange the visits when he is there to entertain her.

WineIsMyMainVice · 08/07/2019 21:18

Can you go and get some sleep while she has time with the baby?

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 08/07/2019 21:50

The OP has already explained that the baby won't settle for anyone else.

Susiesoop · 08/07/2019 22:06

Y are being a bit U with your MIL Looking on the positive side you've got a MIL who wants to be involved in her grandchild's life, no bad thing. Could you divert her into an arrangement that suits you both?. She may be trying to do her best e.g thinking to keep you company, bring food etc. I was really lonely after giving birth and the days were long so I liked to have company. However besides the point- this arrangement isn't suiting you which is the main thing so change it up- "I'd love to get out for a walk MIL' or you could go to her? The baby will get used to settling with her, try her for ten minutes to start with and nip out to get something. If you do that then before you know it you'll have an older baby and a grandparent who's had some practice being with them! Anyway the point is your MIL has good if misguided intentions so if you can make the most of those good intentions while getting yourself the space you need you'll all be in a great place.

coconutpie · 08/07/2019 22:09

Also, did I read it right that you said when she arrives for these epic visits, she brings food and then expects you to cook it for her? And you do this? You need to put a stop to this madness immediately. She is an adult, she can prepare lunch for herself. When my baby was that age, if I had a visitor come to my house and they expected me to cook lunch for them, I'd be asking them to leave, because I barely had time to get food for myself never mind having to worry about cooking for a selfish in law.

WillLokireturn · 08/07/2019 22:17

OP you don't have to.do.what your DH asks. Spend your time during the week how you want to without any guilt. If he wants his DM to see DD he can arrange it when he is around or you can arrange to meet up for coffee. What she is asking is ridiculous, she doesn't get a whole exhausting day each week with you cooking for her and entertaining her. Totally uncalled for.
She can meet up wiynbyoh for ckffe if she wants or pop by under an hour but if she says "that's not quality time with DD", she needs to take that up with her son. None of her feelings as a well.rested grandma that is tiring to host and not added value, is your problem as a busy and exhausted mum on maternity leave.