To tell people it’s often worth persevering with breastfeeding

[BarberBabyBubbles]

Obviously not if baby at risk or mum at risk in any way and bf not helping. Or if mum just doesn’t want to etc etc.

But for my own part, I really really struggled with bf DD1. Just the usual really - sore nipples, cluster feeding for hours, blocked ducts, she lost a normal amount of weight at first but it worried me as I was new to it.

But after about 2-3 months it was very easy and very convenient FOR ME. Yes there were benefits to the baby but my life was also a lot easier. My mum suggested I stick with it because it would be beneficial in the long term and she was right.

I feel like bf gets a bad press. I often get a lot of “sympathy” that I am still bf (I’m now bf DD2 and it is so bloody easy this time round). I do wonder if people could see the benefits after the tricky bit is over they might stick at it a bit more?

The support I know is sadly not really there but also I think it’s a shame some people stop when in the “normally difficult” period.

We can't pretend things just to protect people's feelings. That's not how adulthood works.

Nobody is asking anybody to pretend anything. I just don’t see why it needs to be raised at all. Nobody who wants to say how easy they found BF needs to make comments on formula milk. I have my own opinion on formula milk; I have never felt the need to share it.

Because when people come on BF threads claiming there doesn't need to be more support because FF is just as good its not unreasonable to make a case for BF

The marathon training reference was only to illustrate my use of the word persevere. I persevered at marathon training and at bf. I feel it’s ok to use that word.

I was crying in the night about bf DC1. I personally did need encouragement. I’m not suggesting that anyone should feed their baby any way or telling anyone what their limit should be. I knew mine. We each know our own minds and when it is right to stop.

But what I didn’t know was that a great many people find it relentless at first, painful at first and, certainly in bf mums I know, that it led to them crying at points. And that once over the hump it gets better for most.

I wish someone had told me sooner that it was OK to stop breastfeeding, to be honest. I had the health visitor, GP, breastfeeding counsellor and nurses on the ward (when I was hospitalised because my mastitis was so bad) telling me to keep going and it would get easier.

It was horrendous and when a lovely A&E doctor who saw me sobbing hysterically (when I developed a breast abscess) said ‘You’ve done a great job feeding your baby but you really don’t have to continue you know, there are other options’ ....I felt a huge sense of relief. Huge.

I tried to breastfeed my second baby and that went the same way unfortunately, but that time I made the decision to stop without anyone else’s permission. It just wasn’t worth the stress and pain.

@CarryOnUpTheNile that sounds so tough. And I completely agree with you. Mentioned upthread is the need for “permission to stop” as well as encouragement to continue. Not that anyone needs permission of course but I can see how it can help when at your wits end.

When my DD was two weeks old, my regular midwife said that while it was painful and hard work at first (understatement), by 12 weeks she could barely even feel her own DD breastfeeding. That’s the kind of honest comment which kept me going. It was just objective encouragement. She wouldn’t have batted an eyelid to find me FF. It was just helpful to know, as every day that I wanted to give up I kept thinking about it, and it was true.

Having said that, the day a GP said “why don’t you just give her a bottle?” was also the biggest relief.

In the end I persevered (sorry for using that word, but that’s what it felt like). But my experience means I do understand anyone giving up in the first 12 weeks, not that I don’t. It was hell and if it had been the same experience with my DC2 I l could not have gone through it again, especially with a toddler. But I also agree with the OP that honest advice can in some cases keep you going.

I'm sure lack of post natal care is a factor. When I was born in the 80s, it was at a nice cottage hospital. My mum stayed in for a number of days and learnt things like how to change and bathe me, how to dress me, and most importantly had ongoing support for establishing breastfeeding.
Once she left the hospital, she was really ready. She knew what to expect. Of course she was still learning, but she hadn't been kicked out of the hospital 6 hours after giving birth - which many women are - staring at this tiny thing going "what the fuck?! I have a baby!!"

These days we also lack "the village". Gone are the days when an army of female relatives swoop in, cook and clean for you, help you feed the baby etc. stay up at night / take the baby in the day to help you get some rest.

I think it used to be more of a team effort. And now many first time mums are without that support. Scared. Tired. Wondering how on earth they're going to keep this little thing alive. I'm not sure it's always a lack of education, I think it's just really bloody hard! and as with all things in life, some people have an easier ride, some cope better, some try harder etc. So there are many reasons (other than medical) why women don't accomplish their goal (if they had it to begin with) of breastfeeding. But I'm not sure how this is fixed, in a healthcare system with no money or time, and a family support system which is no longer as wide.

@Emmapeeler I said exact same thing to DH. That if bf dc2 is like dc1 we’ll have to use formula as I can’t do that again whilst also looking after a toddler. Thankfully with dc2 it was significantly easier.

@sar302 agree with you.

Depends on the circumstances.

If you've got a baby who's feeding relentlessly, cluster-feeding, and you're worn out and on your knees, then as long as the baby's gaining weight it doesn't mean you're not producing enough milk. Breastfeeding is designed to work this way. But it's this assumption that often sabotages the supply when formula top-ups are introduced.

Issues with latch (i.e. tongue tie) are often resolvable.

If any of the above is happening and the baby is not losing weight, then it would be time for a different approach. Agree with PP that lack of post-natal care, training and support with BF, are significant factors in the UK's low breastfeeding rate. That along with social 'coyness', a frowning upon women who do it, and an assumption that they should hide away indoors or 'feed on the toilet' (you first).

The first 12 weeks was hell on earth, and nearly finished me off. After this it was plain sailing, and easier than constantly heating up bottles. But if any mum (especially with older kids) chose to give up in those gruelling earlier stages, I'd not blame her. It's tough (I had mastitis, which was no picnic either).

Sorry - that should have read 'not GAINING weight'.

I really love breastfeeding and it's been so convenient and great, I would recommend it to everyone - if we were allowed to talk about it openly. But I often feel that it's necessary to keep quiet for fear of causing offence.

I had nipple/latch pain for about 6 or 8 weeks I think (I'm still feeding at just over 2 now so it feels like an age ago!) and also had some tears in the night. Because it is lonely being awake at 3am (again), plus being tired and experiencing pain.

But it does get better and I don't see what the problem is with saying that. Everyone obviously has their own experience, and if it was too much for you, then that's fine. You did your absolute best and your baby will be fine. But to those who didn't know what was normal, and who gave up and were

Oops posted too soon!

But to those who didn't know what was normal, and who gave up and were disappointed, then saying "this too shall pass" could be the difference between stopping and feeling devastated about it later, and continuing to reach their breastfeeding goals.

If hcps focus on breastfeeding they often ignore other problems and assume successful bf solves every health problem. It doesn't.

Just to add to the anecdata - I never found breastfeeding painful or difficult. Aside from the biting when teeth came in. I could have carried on for years but I didn’t want to. I stopped at 14 months because I wanted my bed and my body back. DS is 7 now and probably would still be doing it if I allowed it.

There is rarely a proper discussion about breastfeeding pre-birth presumably because health professionals don't want to put mothers off. Also, the birth can occupy much of a pregnant woman's mind, leaving little space for contemplating life afterwards! Talking openly, however, would prepare women and could lead to a more realistic portrayal of breastfeeding, perhaps encouraging more to try or continue.

My personal experience has been incredibly trying. I often feel "touched out" and like I barely want a hug from my partner after spending lots of the day and some of the night breastfeeding. There are periods where it's slightly easier e.g. when he's not having a growth spurt, but not massively and sometimes it is hard to keep motivated. Mostly I continue because I know it's best for my son and I'm stubborn at hell!

No-one needs to justify their choice. Parenthood is hard enough. If the mother's diet is good, breastfeeding will be optimal. However, it's very difficult to prepare meals whilst stuck on the sofa (even more so with multiple children). Also the vitamin D in formula means you don't have to supplement. Though studies do show that if the mother takes a vitamin D tablet/gets enough via food/the sun, the baby will get it and doesn't need to take it directly.

I have friends and family who formula feed and friends/family who breastfeed. Many ff's feel they have to justify their decision when they see you breastfeeding/ask about it, I suspect these mums feel sad that they aren't (these are the mums that the op is enquiring about, the ones who wanted to but didn't continue for one reason or another). Then breastfeeders are often coy about feeding in public because we sexualise boobs (particularly in "the west") and struggle to see them being used for their natural purpose. I still struggle with this and have breastfed for over a year.

It gets particularly difficult as your baby ages and you then get called an "extended breastfeeder". When it's normal to feed until your baby naturally weans (and surely less stressful). I feel awkward feeding around ff mothers who tried and stopped because they feel guilty and seem to project it on you. Not all ff mothers I must add, the ones who never intended to breastfeed obviously wouldn't feel guilty and wouldn't therefore get upset/defensive.

Overall, parenting is bloody hard and we're all doing a cracking job. However, the minute we stop debate before it starts we're in muddy waters. A discussion doesn't have to be a slanging match.

Steam steriliser and perfect prep machine and bottles of ready made formula means bottle feeding isn't a faff at all. Breast fed my first, hated it bottle fed my others. There is a lot to be said for a happy mother.
Dd is bottle feeding my grandson and wasn't subject to anywhere near as much pressure to breast feed as I was thirty years ago in fact it wasn't mentioned again when she said bottle at her antenatal class but she did have to watch a dvd on breast feeding and not shaking the baby as part of the discharge process.

It does depend on lifestyle to an extent. Some of the folk I know most determined to BF were those who had family abroad or the other side of the country and wanted to do a lot of travelling because its easier to BF on the go.

I trully don't get why how to you choose your feed your baby gives someone the right to attack you if they don't agree me neither but I believe that should go both ways. I never commented negatively on formula. I never had a negative thought about it. I just fed my son how I could and how I wanted to. Everyone bar myself in the baby group formula fed anyway.

I did however receive comments about it being disgusting and cruel for the rest of my son's family because it was selfish to do all the feeds myself. I got asked to go into the public toilet in 3 separate establishments because people might be uncomfortable. It wasn't like I was sat there with both boobs out! This was only 4 years ago. I was 24 but luckily confident enough to explain the law to them/ignore other people's comments.

It's nasty of people to call someone smug just because they breastfeed or mention anything to do with it unless its incredibly negative. I took a lot from positive comments in the early days and never felt patronised or anything.

Yeah I cried lots of tears with dd1. I suppose cos my mum told me to stick with it it was ok

it’s like when I’ve been struggling on a run and my dh says try and get to that next tree or similar

I think sometimes the biggest empowerment comes from being able to tell ourselves/give ourselves permission to stop, rather than meet everyone else's goals/achievements.

I think its one of those things where advice/support is really dependent on the DMs personality and its so hard to tell whether they'll find it empowering or upsetting.

I often get asked for breastfeeding advice because I breastfed DS for a long time, and I always dont know what to say because I dont want to upset the other DM.

The truth being yes it was painful at the beginning, I had very little sleep for three months, and I did feel quite trapped when he was an older baby but it was important to me so I carried on...because I dunno, it just sounds a bit twattish I guess, like i'm saying it isn't as important to the other DMs?
But then equally you dont want to say it was all super easy and give a false impression the other way.

@differentnameforthis yes I agree with you. For me it was about meeting my own goals which I needed support and encouragement on. I was lucky in that DH was around a lot and able to provide moral support (and food!) and I was also lucky as my baby was doing well, sleeping well and I was also lucky to get good practical help from children’s centres.

And @Camomila I agree. I think we all just have to be honest and empathetic with each other as much as possible. Everyone’s circumstances are unique. I wouldn’t have been able to bf dd2 if it’d been like with dd1 not because I didn’t care as much but it wouldn’t have been practical. Just like my friend who was pumping around the clock after an EMCS with a non sleeping baby - it just wasn’t practical or in anyone’s best interest for her to continue. Or my other friend who got repeated bouts of mastitis while dealing with a toddler and was a bit sad about it not working out but coped well.

I think I only wanted to give hope to bf mums in the thick of it who want to carry on (and can continue without concern for baby or their mental health) that it does most often get loads better!

This was prompted by a chat with some mum friends who felt sorry for me as I was still bf at 7 months as they were comparing with their experiences in the first few weeks.

I do think talking more about what BF is like as the baby gets older would be helpful as this is something most people won't have any experience of until they do it. BF a 1 year old who only feeds first thing in the morning and at night is very different to BF a young baby that's still on 2 hourly feeds.