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AIBU?

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Original poster

Had a blazing row with friend at Gay Pride

233 replies

Havingarethink · 07/07/2019 01:42

I have name changed in case I'm being a precious arse.

Me, oldest friend and his BF were at Pride in London today and were having a jolly old time, drinking, making friends with like minded people and having a right old laugh.
As the day wore on and the 3 of us were getting a bit too oiled, my friend and his partner would compliment large breasted ladies on their clevege, such as 'nice tits or' nice pair', while I cringed and stepped away.
Most of the complimentees laughed and thanked them (thank fuck for drugs and /or alcohol) but one particular girl said in a - not very serious tone- 'I'm only 15'. Omg.

As I walked ahead dying of shame, I heard my friends say to the girl and all her friends, that they were gay and to calm down Shock.

I, in a very gentle way advised them that comments like that could potentially land them in trouble. Well I was told in about 18 different ways that I was being utterly rediculous, because 1. They are gay, so not a threat, 2. She wore a very low top, so should expect comments - yeah I know and 3.She looked older than 15 and therefore should know better????!!!.

Neither of them thought they did wrong and I tried to give them hypothetical examples of how none of those facts would matter if parents happened to have heard /seen it or if she was filming on her phone.

I begged them to drop it in the end as they took it very personally, refused to listen to me and we went round in circles. I said I would post here and show them the thread (if I'm right Grin).

For context my friend is late 40s like me.
So am I talking rubbish?

OP posts:
Topseyt · 07/07/2019 03:04

They have proved that you can be gay and still a dickhead.

It is creepy and pervy behaviour and being gay does not give anyone a free pass to behave in such a way. It is still intimidating to your victims regardless of how those victims react outwardly.

What a pair of arsewipes. I wouldn't be calling them friends anymore.

IamEarthymama · 07/07/2019 03:10

Disgraceful behaviour, sadly this misogyny is rife on the gay scene

WarCat · 07/07/2019 03:15

DHOTYA

Original poster
Havingarethink · 07/07/2019 03:32

I have only read the first page but thank you so much for everything, really . I said pretty much everything that has been said but they do not recognise male privilege - at all and that think I have been brainwashed by MN. I have been gaslite, haven't I? I have known my friend since birth but we got back in touch about 15 years ago, so I am reluctant to proper fall out over this but I also don't think he will change any time soon - and I know they are both totally harmless. I wanted to warn them about a much needed changing climate.

OP posts:
NewYoiker · 07/07/2019 03:34

That's gross

Original poster
Havingarethink · 07/07/2019 03:39

No, not a jorno Average but a slightly enebreiated, and feeling very validated, poster. I'm delighted that I could come off like I have the skills to be one though Smile.
Thanks again all. I shouldn't be happy to be right, but they would not shut the fuck up about how wrong I was in my thinking.

OP posts:
AyeRobot · 07/07/2019 03:43

They aren't harmless. They did harm. That they (or you by saying they are harmless) can't see that is depressing.

Booboostwo · 07/07/2019 03:49

How would they feel if someone made demeaning, disrespectful, threatening homophobic remarks towards them in public and then said “It doesn’t count because I am gay”?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/07/2019 03:49

Yes, I have to agree with AyeRobot there - what they do is NOT harmless because not only did they verbally harass women, who may have smiled but who may also have been negatively affected by the comments and only smiled out of embarrassment, but because they are also perpetuating the whole male privilege shit that women are only here to be decorative and if they put too much on show then they deserve to be harassed (which ultimately feeds into the rape culture)

So yes, what they are doing IS harmful, and you need to stop accepting it.

Original poster
Havingarethink · 07/07/2019 03:53

What I meant by being harmless.. Oh never mind, you're right.

But back to my original question, which got lost in the ether is , would this be something they could get into trouble for? That was what started the argument. I am aware that if in a work type situation, such as a man on a building site, work van with company name displayed, may lose their job if took further. But in a guy commenting in passing to a random woman, won't really face consequences. But the fact that the girl in question was 15, would that make a difference.
They were saying 'free speech' and all that tosh.

OP posts:
Grumpelstilskin · 07/07/2019 03:55

I have dropped a few of my male gay friends for behaving in a shitty way like that. I found myself no longer prepared to be their emotional punch bag, narcissistic ego supply and am far too glamorous to be a fag hag to be mere backdrop and their adoring audience. I suddenly realised that they were even more entitled and misogynistic than many straight men. I excel in my creative field and this appears to be a thorn in these guys’ eye who tried to put me down or steal my ideas and then got stroppy when I refused to allow them to take credit for my hard work. I noticed the same sort of gas lighting when I pulled them up about their behaviour. The final straw was when they continually harassed DH. Not only were they being utterly disrespectful to him but me too when they tried to grope him in my presence and tried to dress it up as a joke and attempted to shame me as being a prude. I also felt violated when they tried to grab my boobs and told me it was ok to do so because they did not want to fuck me. I have blocked them since. It comes as a great relief. It was a very dear gay friend who actually first pointed out how badly these guys were treating me though; it goes to show how much many women have been conditioned to accept this kind of behaviour.

Sparklfairy · 07/07/2019 03:55

The fact that they're dismissing your very valid (as proven here!) concerns without consideration proves that they're not nice or harmless. Any decent person would at the very least self reflect based on the responses from you and everyone on here. To say you've been 'brainwashed' places no value on the opinion of a woman; because they're not 'important'. His view is that women are simply not important. They are there to be seen and not heard. Any opinions differing to his are simply ignored because they come from someone with a vagina. It's classic misogyny, gay or not. I couldn't be friends with someone like that to be honest.

HoomanMoomin · 07/07/2019 03:55

One could argue that they were being more misogynistic because they don’t rely on women for sex.

Sparklfairy · 07/07/2019 03:56

Oh, and I'm sure the irony that this happened at Pride isn't lost on you. To have spent so long screaming 'respect us! treat us as equals!' and then to treat women with such contempt at an event promoting equality is pretty disgusting to be honest.

echt · 07/07/2019 03:59

What colossal knob ends.

Sexist harassment pure and simple.

I can think of many reasons why their early victims smiled: they were genuinely pleased/laughing it off for the occasion/pissed up/ embarrassed/wrongfooted by it being GP so less confident in calling them out.

None of of this alters the terrible behaviour by your friends.

BoomBoomsCousin · 07/07/2019 04:02

Having I don’t believe a single comment to a girl on the street is a criminal offence.

Original poster
Havingarethink · 07/07/2019 04:02

I hear you all, and it's a bit sobering to be honest, hence my temporary username.

OP posts:
Grumpelstilskin · 07/07/2019 04:03

Just thinking about it, once my daughter hits puberty and if she were treated like that by gay men, i.e. grabbing her boobs, I would actually hit the roof and file a complaint about sexual assault with the police. Their sexual preference is a red herring, we are still just as entitled to not be groped or face inappropriate comments.

julensaor · 07/07/2019 04:07

all gay men are at least slightly misogynistic in nature - this is part of the thread I was just about to post on. A 15 year old deserves an unreserved apology.

Original poster
Havingarethink · 07/07/2019 04:07

Thanks Boom, having read all the comments and not one mentioning potential trouble they could've got into means I was wrong on that score but right on the moral front.

OP posts:
echt · 07/07/2019 04:10

all gay men are at least slightly misogynistic in nature

Seriously? As opposed to benefitting from a patriarchal society because they are men?

Topseyt · 07/07/2019 04:10

Harassment is never harmless.

NotBadConsidering · 07/07/2019 04:12

That 15 year old girl will always remember the time she went to Pride and was leered at. She probably won’t go again.

They could definitely get into trouble if the 15 year old they abuse next time tells the police.

Original poster
Havingarethink · 07/07/2019 04:15

Absolutely right Grumple, that was what I was trying to point out, that context in this case isn't everything.
I said to my friend that if this was taken further and you ended up in court (local papers report all court appearances), then the fact that you were gay would mean fuck all. She was a miner and this is still sexual harassment.

OP posts:
AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 07/07/2019 04:19

I feel so desperately sad for that girl and those women being treated like that at pride, of all places. The ONE place you can expect support and equality from the other celebrants and they get "nice tits."

Ugh.