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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my lodger's family to stay?

516 replies

Anotherbloodyname123 · 06/07/2019 15:02

Lodger announced his family (wife and two kids) are coming to visit in a few months a while ago and I'm not quite sure why I didn't think to ask immediately where they were staying. I did today as it came up and he says they're going to stay here, for two whole weeks!

(For context, he is lodging with me for a work contract, and his family live abroad)

This is a normal two bed flat and he said his family are fine to share the (double) bed and sleep on the floor.

I'm really not happy about this. He kept saying it'll be fine and the kids will be well behaved (I'm sure they will as he's very quiet and usually considerate and polite!)

He's not even really booking time off to spend with them. He said the kids and wife will stay in the flat all day Monday to Thursday as they'll be too scared to go out, and he'll go out with them on the two weekends they're here.

I said I wasn't keen but he just kept batting it back.

AIBU to not want them to stay? I'm a single woman and I DON'T want kids staying especially ones I don't know. I have a nice place and it's not child friendly. I don't have a garden.

Relevant bit of our contract is this: 'not to permit anyone else to stay in the Room, although the Licensee may allow visitors to stay overnight in the Room on an
occasional basis;'

But I also don't want to be an arsehole. He must miss them a lot!

Help.

OP posts:
mussolini9 · 06/07/2019 16:33

I said to him, 'I work from home during the week sometimes' and he said 'oh it's fine.

Oh dear. This lodger is riding roughshod over you.
It's YOUR home, YOUR need to work, & YOUR objection to being saddled with his "too scared to go out" family, & yet he has the gall to tell you that it's fine?

You need to tell him it's NOT fine.
You do not need to find reasons or excuses. Just state that you are not comfortable with being lumbered with 3 extra lodgers for 2 weeks, that your contract forbids it & it's not happening.

Also, WTF is all this "too scared to go out" business? Do you really want to be babysitting a grown woman & 2 children who will not leave your flat for a fortnight?

Thump · 06/07/2019 16:35

I'd maybe say that they can come over one night during the week to share dinner with him and leave them the kitchen/living room and they can stay over maybe a Friday night once each of the two weeks.

It's a typical move by some people - give them an inch and they take a mile and leave you feeling bad for not giving them the whole mile!

If he can't afford to accommodate them over here, then he can't. Life is hard, but your life shouldn't be discomoded for 2 whole weeks just to accommodate him!

I have lived in house shares, and even couples are annoying, let alone a whole family!!! Fuck that!! No way José......

QueenoftheBayou · 06/07/2019 16:36

Having lived in a house with another lodger and my landlady, I can speak from experience and say hell fucking no do you want those people there. Same situation - partner, 2 kids, 2 weeks, stayed in one room, he was at work and they stayed in. Even in a giant farmhouse with a massive garden, 4 bathrooms and 2 lounges, it wasn't enough. I moved out after a week to stay with a friend. Everything about that situation was hell on earth. Don't do it to yourself.

Marmozet · 06/07/2019 16:41

Dear god! Put your foot down woman and tell him no!

plattercake · 06/07/2019 16:42

Agree - he should have asked first and shown respect. That was the time to lean on your generosity, but by taking this tack he's blown it.

You just can't reward cheeky fuckery.

Cite home insurance if you have to but don't back down. You are not being mean, he is.

IamWaggingBrenda · 06/07/2019 16:43

You just need to be blunt and tell him No. Don’t give any reasons, as he’ll just continue to tell you it’s ok.

TitsInAbsentia · 06/07/2019 16:45

5 people to one bathroom is too many even if you are all related! No no no.
I'd have got rid of him when he started wfh on your days, I mean why not a Monday or another day? He's pushing it big and you have got to push back bigger.

Original poster
Anotherbloodyname123 · 06/07/2019 16:50

Thank you to those who have given good advice about how to manage this.

I will say he can WFH when I'm not there occasionally but NOT on the days I'm off work, and his family can not stay.

If I lose a lodger so be it. I'll find another.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotherbloodyname123 · 06/07/2019 16:52

I think part of me being a 'doormat, pathetic and wishy washy' is that I've been a lodger and it was pretty miserable. I don't want to be as inhospitable as my landlords were to me. I'm still figuring out my boundaries I guess.

OP posts:
givemesteel · 06/07/2019 16:54

I think there might be cultural differences at play here. The British way of doing things is to say something like 'I don't think that going to work', whereas in other cultures they'd just be blunt and say no that's not happening.

He's obviously hoping you'll reluctantly agree to it even though he can see you're not happy.

I think you need to be very explicit in writing, and I'd also say that if he brings them to your flat anyway despite you saying no then unfortunately that will be the end of his tenancy in your flat. I think there is a risk of him bringing them to the flat and hoping you'll be too embarrassed to kick them out or feel sorry for the kids.

Tbh unless he's an amazing tenant otherwise (and the whole never going out, working from home when you're off suggests he isn't) I'd be considering giving him notice and finding someone else. I couldn't be bothered with the emotional blackmail.

If you do I'd remove the allowance of overnight guests as it always seems to be exploited.

Dungeondragon15 · 06/07/2019 16:56

That will be a nightmare. There is no way the children will be quiet and if they have to stay in doors the whole time they will go nuts. He needs to rent somewhere by himself if he wants his family to squash into a room with him for a couple of weeks.

Gustavo1 · 06/07/2019 17:00

I don’t think you’re being pathetic or wish washy. It is hard for many people to be assertive off hand in real life. I think I would have been the same face to face at first, you tried to make the point kindly. That’s not pathetic. That’s not being an arsehole! The thing is that on this situation kind hasn’t got the mark so you will now need to be clearer. It’s not something that you are happy to accommodate, although you understand it will be disappointing, your agreement does not allow for him to have long term visitors. Regardless of his personal situation. Don’t feel bad about wanting to maintain the status quo in your own home Flowers

Crockof · 06/07/2019 17:02

Is he a good lodger in every other respect? If so I would put some strict ground rules and then suck it up. Only because I've had lodger that are complete arseholes. I'd put up with a lot over two weeks if the rest of the time they are good.

AguerosAngel · 06/07/2019 17:07

I think ayemama is OP’s lodgers wife!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/07/2019 17:07

Your plan sounds good. In a 2 bed they would would completely take over.

prettybird · 06/07/2019 17:11

It is not a negotiation. It's your home, your rules Confused

Key bit in his contract is that he may have overnight visitors occasionally : ie it's at your discretion and 2 weeks does not equal "an occasional overnight stay" Hmm

Sit him down (probably tomorrow now Wink) and tell him, "No". It's also not your responsibility to work out where they will stay. That is his.

If you want to be nice and helpful, you might allow them to stay the first night/weekend. But only if you are comfortable with that and you are confident that he will understand that it is only for that defined period.

And I repeat: It. Is. Not. A. Negotiation.

Marmozet · 06/07/2019 17:14

No don't let them stay just a little bit as they will take liberties and make some excuse of not finding somewhere!

mummmy2017 · 06/07/2019 17:20

Tell him you have though about his suggest
And it won't work for you.
He needs to find somewhere else for his family...
Listen to what he says,. Yes I hear what you say but that won't work for me, you need to book them somewhere else...

Guiltypleasures001 · 06/07/2019 17:23

What if his family don't go home afterwards?

Original poster
Anotherbloodyname123 · 06/07/2019 17:24

@Crockof yes he is a good lodger. Quiet, respectful, tidy, clean. Good lodger's are hard to find

OP posts:
Dippypippy1980 · 06/07/2019 17:25

Why would his family be too scared to go out?

Bored40 · 06/07/2019 17:30

OP don't worry about being assertive on this one. I house shared for years - some lodging, mostly flat shares which are a more equal footing as you know. Even in a houseshare this would be considered unreasonable to ask - and he didn't even ask!
It's an unwritten rule when sharing that guests are only a night or two, and only one , max 2 guests at a time usually. And even then it's etiquette for guests to be there when you're sleeping but up and out during the day. Houseshares by definition are crowded and a bit claustrophobic at the best of times without additional guests.

Put your foot down. He'll need to find them somewhere to stay. If you want to be generous offer him a discount on his rent to offset a little, and offer to host one evening. Not just for your sake but his family's, it would be a miserable experience for them being stuck in a flat with a stranger!

MsTSwift · 06/07/2019 17:33

Urgh cannot bear virtue signallers “oooh you should let them stay I would because I am so very kind” absolute bollocks. How many randoms do you kind souls currently have crammed into your own houses may I ask?

NannyRed · 06/07/2019 17:38

Tell him he’d be better off in a hotel because by the time you’ve added extra costs to cover his family, a hotel will be cheaper?

I presume he is intending them to shower (use hot water which isn’t free) use your loo roll etc? It’s not on, he needs to provide suitable accommodations, not take the piss out of you.

Dontcallmeprecious · 06/07/2019 17:43

He did not even have the decency to ask you!

‘ lodger, I am very sorry but you will have to make alternative arrangements for your family. This is a small flat and not suitable for guests. It is the in contract. Let’s be clear I don’t allow guests to stay overnight. Do you need local hotel numbers?’

Walk away.
Be firm.
It’s not on, and he knows it, he is just pushing his luck!