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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my lodger's family to stay?

516 replies

Anotherbloodyname123 · 06/07/2019 15:02

Lodger announced his family (wife and two kids) are coming to visit in a few months a while ago and I'm not quite sure why I didn't think to ask immediately where they were staying. I did today as it came up and he says they're going to stay here, for two whole weeks!

(For context, he is lodging with me for a work contract, and his family live abroad)

This is a normal two bed flat and he said his family are fine to share the (double) bed and sleep on the floor.

I'm really not happy about this. He kept saying it'll be fine and the kids will be well behaved (I'm sure they will as he's very quiet and usually considerate and polite!)

He's not even really booking time off to spend with them. He said the kids and wife will stay in the flat all day Monday to Thursday as they'll be too scared to go out, and he'll go out with them on the two weekends they're here.

I said I wasn't keen but he just kept batting it back.

AIBU to not want them to stay? I'm a single woman and I DON'T want kids staying especially ones I don't know. I have a nice place and it's not child friendly. I don't have a garden.

Relevant bit of our contract is this: 'not to permit anyone else to stay in the Room, although the Licensee may allow visitors to stay overnight in the Room on an
occasional basis;'

But I also don't want to be an arsehole. He must miss them a lot!

Help.

OP posts:
S1naidSucks · 06/07/2019 15:29

Oh god, I’m imagining the family living from abroad for a holiday and just staying. Like one of those day time films, where the victim has their life and home taken over, by the lodger. I may be getting slightly carried away. 😁

Nope, not by any chance would they be staying, if I was in your position. You can text him and say ‘under NO circumstances will their family be staying and if that doesn’t suit him, you will understand if he wants to move out.’ Do not apologise or he will see that as a weakness and keep working at you. He doesn’t sound as if he has ANY respect for you, by the way he is just dismissing your concerns as if you have no say. It is YOUR home, OP, and he doesn’t get yo make the rules.

Isatis · 06/07/2019 15:33

Your mistake has been in trying to make excuses. You don’t need any excuse for not wanting these extra people in your house. Tell him it’s a flat no, and it’s not up for discussion.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 06/07/2019 15:34

Yabu for allowing this to even happen.
You aren’t being clear with boundaries... stop this now.

“Hi X, I’ve thought about this and to be clear your family cannot stay here for 2 weeks, it’s just not going to work for me. if I had known this was your expectation I would have let the room to someone else as it’s just not reasonable. This is my home - I let you the room to you, not you and your family. I think it’s better all round if you look into nearby Airbnb’s for them ”

katewhinesalot · 06/07/2019 15:34

Can he actually afford to accommodate them elsewhere and why isn't he taking time off. Does he use his leave to go back home?

I'd be feeling a bit guilty if they are short on money.

pigsDOfly · 06/07/2019 15:35

Well they're not going to be sitting in his room all day, are they?

They'll have to come out to eat or prepare food, so you're going to have them taking over your kitchen, unless they're going to be picnicking in the room as well.

You need to be much firmer and stop allowing him to put up arguments against what you're saying.

'You can't have your family staying in my home for two weeks. It would massively inconvenience me.' Every time he comes back with it'll be all right, you have to tell him it won't be all right because it's not going to happen.

If they want to come here for a holiday fine. It's not your responsibility to accommodate them. You have him in your home as a lodger and him alone.

CoraPirbright · 06/07/2019 15:35

Good grief - two kids and a wife staying shut in one room Monday to Thursday because they will be “too scared to go out”? What kind of holiday is that for them? They will be climbing the walls by the end of the second day!

I am really quite cross that your lodger keeps telling you it will be fine when you voice your concerns. Either he is wilfully ignoring what you are saying or you are being too British and unclear about it. Or a combination of the two. Time to spell it out “NO they cannot stay here”.

Original poster
Anotherbloodyname123 · 06/07/2019 15:36

I do have a tendency to roll over.

I'm going out for the evening shortly so will talk to him tomorrow.

And yes as a pp mentioned I don't think they're flush. He can't be working on the other side of the world for nothing - it has to be for money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotherbloodyname123 · 06/07/2019 15:38

And he plans on going home for three weeks in December hence not taking time off when they are here, yes

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 06/07/2019 15:38

Why should the OP feel guilty if they're short of money.

She's not responsibly for his family arrangements and his possible lack of money.

He's renting a room from her, that's where her relationship and responsibilities with him ends.

Gustavo1 · 06/07/2019 15:39

I agree, it’s not about him telling you it will be fine. It’s about you telling him kindly that although he must be looking forward to seeing them, he has misunderstood and it is not suitable that his family stay. They must have somewhere else. He may be disappointed but thats really not your problem. You need to work, eat, relax, watch tv and maybe have company of your own over in your own home. You will feel like you are encroaching on their family time. It’s not going to work.

CodenameVillanelle · 06/07/2019 15:42

Stop letting him talk you round. Just tell him it's not ok and it's not happening. They can get an Airbnb for 2 weeks.

Bluetrews25 · 06/07/2019 15:44

If he's here for work, are his employers paying his rent? You need to decide if you are going to ask him personally to pay an extra amount (but run the risk that his employers may cough up for him and you have to let them in) or you just say no - this is a flat for 2 not 5. It is breaching his contract. Are there any fire regs you could invent refer to that might also be breached?

Original poster
Anotherbloodyname123 · 06/07/2019 15:46

He pays me himself.

It's bad enough he's recently started working from home every Friday. I get every other Friday off and it was my only alone time at home.

I know, I know, that's having a lodger for you . I'm only doing this as I need the money

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 06/07/2019 15:46

Do not say: "I'm not keen", "This isn't going to work for me", "I'm not sure this will be fine".

Do say: "This is not acceptable according to your contract. You need to find alternative accommodation for your family during their visit."

Wherearemybloodykeys89 · 06/07/2019 15:47

I'd let him but I'm weak. Depending on where he's from he probably genuinely can't afford a hotel. I'd probably book some time off to take them out but like I said. I'm the losing combination of both weak and overfriendly Grin

LizB62A · 06/07/2019 15:47

It's not his decision though whether it will be fine, it's your house so your decision.
It's not a house share....

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/07/2019 15:49

Just TELL him no, that he has 3 choices:

Sort somewhere else for them to stay whilst they visit;
Leave your home and find somewhere else to live that they can stay in;
Insist they come, piss you off and get told to leave anyway.

That is it! whole conversation, his choice... 1, 2, 3!

You could start by reminding him he is a lodger in your home, not a house share tenant. But he probably doesn't care or he wouldn't be ignoring you and your wishes.

GrimDamnFanjo · 06/07/2019 15:50

Help him find an Airbnb free reminding him of your rules. Is he doing this to save money?

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 06/07/2019 15:53

Blimey OP, where do you live that they will be scared to go out?

They will be climbing the walls indoors all the time. It's just not going to work. I wonder what his wife thinks about this.

Coka · 06/07/2019 15:54

Can i ask what country he is from? Maybe his family are used to being stuck in a room all day. Maybe they cannot afford other accommodation. This would affect my answer. He doesnt seem to understand your point of view but people from some cultures wouldn't.

GruciusMalfoy · 06/07/2019 15:55

You need to "just say no" with the knowledge that you are not in the wrong at all. He's a CF chancer, and has absolutely no right to say it'll be fine. It won't, You're telling him it's not fine by you.

mbosnz · 06/07/2019 15:55

No. Absolutely No. It's not about whether 'they' will be fine with whatever. You are not fine with this. This is a completely unacceptable and unreasonable request that you are absolutely blitheringly wet if you go along with it. Just say no. No negotiation, no discussion, the contract was for one person, not four. The place is not set up for five people, let alone children, you work from home and having three people including two children home all day is completely unacceptable. He must make alternative arrangements or sadly they will not be able to come and visit, because they are NOT staying there.

Absolutely ridiculous.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 06/07/2019 15:56

After your update I’d honestly suggest finding a new lodger.

It doesn’t sound like a good fit - The randomly starting working from home on Friday thing would irritate the heck out of me...

listsandbudgets · 06/07/2019 15:57

No OP you need to take a firm stand on this.

His poor wife and children what a miserable time he's planning for them. Stuck in a bedroom for most of the week! Too scared to go out?? Constantly turning up needing bathroom, kitchen, drinks. How old are the children - are they both out of nappies or is that going to be another inconvenience.

How many days before they decide to go out one evening and ask you to babysit?

I remember once going with my dd then 6 to stay with my sister and her partner. They were lodgers but their landlord was on holiday and had kindly said we could use his spare room for a few nights but the only provision was that no one went in his room. Even then with his permission I felt like we were overstepping the mark - we did leave him a huge box of chocolates and a bottle of whisky by way of thanks though. We really couldn't have afforded a hotel at that point in my life.

Imagine staying somewhere KNOWING the property owner doesn't want you there. Miserable for wife and kids.

Say no, stick to it. Help him find a local B&B or air b&b but don't back down

Finally in worst case scenario.. are they from the sort of country people are keen to leave? What you DO NOT want is them deciding to stay, trying to get residency here and citing YOUR address as their home because if that were the case once they're in you won't get them out easily

LenoVentura · 06/07/2019 15:58

He shouldn't be wfh every Friday- it's not his home. You need to reset the boundaries or find another lodger. His family can't stay - what's the point in them coming if he's not going to be around?

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