AIBU to choose to be a single mother, and can I afford it?

[Shipofthedessert]

I’m approaching 40. I haven’t met the elusive Mr Right but I desperately want a child.

My main worry is money. Mortgage is £700 a month. Combined with childcare fees of around £1000, this leaves me with around £500 for everything else: car insurance, phone and internet, petrol, food, clothes, toys. I know some of these can be obtained very cheaply but some obviously can’t.

I’m also worried about the child not knowing his or her father and if this would impact on them negatively.

AIBU?

Do you have any other support? Nursery is tough at the start and they are sick constantly. DH and I took turns being off with them.
I think you can afford it though.

I don’t have any other support: I looked into adoption but that doesn’t look possible due to needing a support network.

Would you qualify for universal credit top ups? That can make a big difference.

I'm doing it myself currently, exepcting a baby as a single mum. I also have a nearly 5 year old. I'm a student though, so get my maintenance loan.

I’m a single mum by choice. I get help towards childcare (universal credit), it’s worth seeing if there would be any benefits for you. Money is tight, but I can see things will improve once my DD is 3 and gets her 30 free hours. Also childcare costs will be gone once she’s in school (although I’m sure there’ll be other expenses associated with that age too).

I did a lot of research before having my DD and it suggests they have great outcomes - namely because they aren’t going through the trauma or disruption of losing a parent / divorce etc. I chose to have a donor she can get more information about when she’s older, and will leave that part of her journey up to her. Some countries do still offer anonymous donors though.

I will also add that I absolutely love being a mum and it’s the best thing I ever did

At nearly 40 you may struggle to conceive. Have you thought about egg donation possibly, there can be fees for what as well.

Childcare won't be "forever" though so you only need to tighten your belt for a few years. Also, if you're not actually pregnant yet, why not start putting away £1000 p/m? This will help you a lot if you do have a baby, and will also show you if you can manage. People say kids are expensive, but it's the childcare that's the big expense. Food, clothing, toys etc don't need to cost a fortune.

That aside, I say go for it. Marriages break up, single parents sometimes get married! Your status now relationship wise won't necessarily be the same in say 5 years. Same as it would be if you were married now and planning a child. So I wouldn't let the lack of a partner influence your decision if you feel you can cope alone.

The main worry I would have isn't financial. What would happen if you were ill? Especially if it was something chronic or requiring hospital treatment. If you have no one to step in to care for your child at such times it's a risky undertaking.

I am a single parent and it's very hard in emergency situations. My children do have an involved father, but he travels so is frequently unavailable. I wouldn't plan to be in this situation by having children knowing I would be single with no support.

Are your utility bills in that £500? It would be v v tight, I wouldn't manage it personally. You would probably qualify for tax free childcare so that saves a small amount. How flexible is your job? Any chance of condensing hours and working less days. For example DDs old nursery made you pay for a full day which was 10 hours and I only worked 8 so if I worked full time I could have worked longer days and had a day off, saving in childcare. The childcare is only a couple of years if you have a year off and get the 30 hours after 3.

I chose to do it alone. Even with a LOT of support from friends and family, including a load of free childcare, I am struggling financially, and am constantly exhausted or sick. Not trying to put you off, but it definitely is a lot harder than having a partner, even one not always around. Unless you have a lot of savings then it's going to be a struggle.

Also, as previous posters have said, it depends on what, if any, benefits you're entitled to. I earn slightly too much to qualify for universal credit or housing benefits etc. I was not prepared to drop my job or risk my home, so it has been hard.

It will undoubtedly be hard, but compared to not doing it at all, it’s unthinkable.

I’m on £44,000 so I doubt I’d qualify for any benefits.

I'd start looking into it all and try and find a job where you earn more money at the same time. I would find that really tight, but like people say you will find a way to manage.

You might also find you don't want to go back full time.

You could meet Mr right then he could up and leave.

Just crack on op.

I think you need to break down what the £500 needs to cover exactly.

I wouldn’t really be able to get a better paid job for a while, to be honest.

£500 is everything apart from mortgage and childcare: bills and food and car running, etc.

I don’t think you should try and change job as you maybe won’t qualify for the full maternity benefits/be at risk of being sacked if you’re still in probation.

Yeah, you earn more than me, so you're on your own.

When I was planning I sat down with a spreadsheet and plotted every month's ins and outs to work out how I'd get through maternity leave (with a loan, it turned out) and how I would afford the basics of car seat, travel system, cot etc.
Also the cost of treatment to get pregnant in the first place.

Over plan because you have the advantage of knowing now that it will be harder than a 'traditional' pregnancy.

Definitely worth it, for me. My snotty 3 year old is the best thing in my world. Wouldn't be without him for all the financial stability in the world!

Ah well I don’t think £500 is enough. You must spend about that currently and that’s without baby stuff?
But as others have said, the £1000 is only for a short time. But is £1000 enough? Have you priced day rates where you are?

The money is definitely a concern. However I always find you spend what you have, and if you need to tighten your belt for a few years then so be it. I would be far more concerned about the lack of support. Do you really mean you have no support at all?

I honestly don't see how I would have managed those first few months if I were by myself - I was ill after the birth, the baby didn't feed well so was back and forth from the hospital and between 3-6 months he rarely slept more than an hour at a time day or night. I got mastitis twice and once had a terrible bout of norovirus - I was so ill I couldn't even pick DS up let alone look after him. It was hell at times, even with a partner + lots of family help.

I know someone will come along who will say they managed to raise a baby alone, in the wilderness, with no family/friends/money/perfect prep machine (I joke) and had to walk 6 miles a day through a storm to make it to their antenatal appointments and they've never been happier and their baby is thriving. Only you can balance it all up - is your desire to have a child so important that it outweighs all the negatives and (potentially very serious) problems that come from doing it alone?

Good point about maternity benefits! Hasn't thought of that.

What about remortgaging and lowering your monthly payments? Extend your term?

Do you have parents with cash?
Ask them to help if they would?(mine wouldn't but other people's seem to!! You don't know until you ask)

£500 is more than tight if you need to include council tax and utilities. We are over £300 for those alone.

No support at all, and thus no parents either.

I don’t know Holly. I suppose it depends what sort of serious problems you’re thinking of?

Do you not have any friends op?

£44k is loads. Put the mortgage on interest only, or get a lodger on cheap rent to babysit, or another single mum?

Whilst deciding and researching, save that 1k pcm you would be spending on childcare. See how you get on money wise and then if it feels fine, the savings will be there as a backup.

Cost up reduction in salary for maternity leave pay.

On £44k you should qualify for child benefit of £20 per week, that might help a bit. And as a pp said, tax free childcare, so 20% off that.

So that would be £300+ back into the monthly budget! Good luck OP, hope you get your dream! xx