AIBU to choose to be a single mother, and can I afford it?

[Shipofthedessert]

I’m approaching 40. I haven’t met the elusive Mr Right but I desperately want a child.

My main worry is money. Mortgage is £700 a month. Combined with childcare fees of around £1000, this leaves me with around £500 for everything else: car insurance, phone and internet, petrol, food, clothes, toys. I know some of these can be obtained very cheaply but some obviously can’t.

I’m also worried about the child not knowing his or her father and if this would impact on them negatively.

AIBU?

I am a single adopter. I learn less than you and have a similar mortgage repayments so I think financially your position is doable. However, I would be worried about the lack of support. I have recently broken my ankle and can't weight bear for the next 5 weeks. DS and I have moved into my Mum's as there's no way that I could take care of us both properly at home.

Really, I do not take home anything like £2700. I presume it is pension which is the difference. I have been strongly advised not to stop paying into that.

Well, I can’t conjure a mother up from thin air, dimples

I think you could make savings as pps have suggested. Lower pension payments for one. Save hard now for 12 months and that will help towards the three years of exceptionally tight money. It is possible. Buy second hand baby stuff (I missed a trick here as if you shop around you can get some absolute bargains!!!) and look on the money saving boards. You will also get child benefit, not sure if you've factored this in?

The lack of support will be hard but not impossible. My best friend is a single mother, not by choice, but the father is absent physically, emotionally and financially. She has made mum friends since having her son, who live more locally than I do, who have helped out in emergencies. Mainly health related. She changed career and went part time whilst he was younger, so she could save on childcare. Now he is old enough to come home alone after school for a couple of hours she has gone into a better paid full time role. Would this be an option for you?

I also have a fiend who has considered single motherhood by choice through sperm donation. She has not gone ahead with it and I think she regrets her decision. She would be a fantastic mum.

£500 doesn’t sound like much to cover everything else.

How flexible would your employer be with taking time off to look after a sick baby/toddler? They are ill ALL THE TIME. I was lucky to have a very understanding employer who never kept note of my days off to look after my child. I also worked part time so didn’t miss as much as I would have done if I was full time.

You dont have to stop paying your pension but you can reduce to minimum for a year or two while yoi have to pay for childcare. Its no brainer this one lol

Your mortgage is extortionate, can you not move somewhere cheaper?

On 44k it's not the money issue, but I'll never understand anyone who has a baby/children knowing they're going pay 1000 a month for childcare to go back to full time work when they're a baby. I just don't see the point.

I am a single mother, to 3. One of whom has autism and adhd. I manage to work as a midwife, with zero family support. I pay for all my childcare.
I've been doing it alone for 4.5 years, after my useless husband abandoned us when I was in early pregnancy with my 3rd. He doesn't see his children at all.
You can do it, if it is what you want.

I think you’ll manage on that salary; I certainly did as a single parent with two children. Pp are right though that the childcare fees don’t end once they are in school. If you are working full time, they will need breakfast club/after school club or a childminder, and school holidays will need to be covered. That’s expensive if you don’t have family to help out with the odd day here and there. They certainly get more expensive as they get older, too. I think people tend to overlook that when they think of a baby. I’ve spent out over £1000 in school trips this year for example (but obviously that’s optional.

I don’t know if I’d want to go it alone with absolutely no support at all, it’s very tough even with support. The first few years especially when they bring every illness under the sun home and you are both constantly ill each winter. But that’s a personal decision I think. Good luck with whatever you decide.

No I wouldn’t in those circumstances. It’s all about your wants and a child needs more than that.

The age alone would put me off given the increased risks. You’ve no backup if you fall ill or worse, spare income is minimal which means limited activities etc for a child if any. Uni age will roll round and you may not even be working by that point so unable to finance etc.

Yes you are AIBU just because you don't want a father in your child's life doesn't mean that a child doesn't want/need one

Your forcing your choices on a child - yes lots of people are going it alone now but there has been no comprehensive study done yet on a generation of children growing up without access to a mother/father and their extended families and how it will affect them in adulthood

Also the financials don't stack up

It’s not that I don’t ‘want’ a father in his or her life, but that I can’t find one.

You can do it op. Financially sounds fine and you're determined. I wouldn't reduce pension payments unless you end up needing to.

I would say try to find community of single parents locally. You need support from somewhere if you don't have friends or family. If you plan to work full time it will be hard to make local parent friends so make the most of pregnancy and maternity leave to find them. Where I live there are quite a few single parents and others are aware if this and helpful, eg offering to babysit. So it doesn't necessarily have to be about befriending other single parents.

OP tall used the phrase geriatric mother because that's what you would be in your paperwork. I think 35+ is classed as geriatric in pregnancy terminology?

OP if you can't account properly for £500 of your wages and unsure whether it's pension or whatever taling that sum, then IMO you haven't even got your head screwed on enough to consider it. How the eff and jeff, in a £44k a year job, do you not know how much your takehome should be and what actually comes out of your wages before you they get to your bank account? £500 for a pension contribution? Wtf?

Well, maybe, it was still used purposefully in that particular context

And no @Shipofthedessert anyone over the age of 35 is medically considered a geriatric mother 😅 it is a medical term, and it will be written across the front of all your hospital notes it's not an insult.

You dont know know where £500 per month of your wage goes?

Tall, someone else apparently believes someone on my salary should be taking home more. I am not however and I suggested that perhaps the discrepancy lay in pension contributions. I don’t know, and to be honest, I don’t care. I must be feeling particularly raw today as your post had me in tears and I don’t fully know why. So I’ll leave it there, forget having a child, forget having a family, because someone on mn thinks I should be on more money and therefore I am not worthy.

Oh FFS - NO!

YABU. Save for a year for childcare costs and in the meantime put your energies into finding a man so your child knows who their father is. If you're nearly 40 already a year won't make much difference to your fertility if you are fit, healthy and not overweight.

Honestly I know this is a predominantly feminist site but why is it acceptable that children should be deliberately denied a father?

There are decent men out there. Maybe you need to redefine your standards?

Well the choice is going to be a child or pay less into your pension.

For you to pay that much in you must have chosen to up it. I dont quite get how you are unsure and assume it must be pension.

If you revise that figure you could have a lot more money.

OP, you need to figure out your income. As it is a numerical fact what you should be on. It is set by hmrc. So if you're not, then you might want to check what your actual wage is with HR. £44k a year is £2788 after tax so you need to know, for your own benefit, and so you can plan for your future child that you may or may not have, where that other £500 is going. Because you will need to reduce your pension contributions for a couple of years to afford children, if it is indeed £500 going in to your pension pot. Or whether you've been underpaid for several months/years. Knowing where your money is going is pretty much the most important part of life and keeping a roof over your head.

But yes. Carry on...

Nobody is saying you should be on more money.
They are saying that on your apparent salary the usual take home pay is £2700 a month. You take home £500 less. Most likely is pension.. but if you're planning a child do you seriously not see the issue with not knowing the ins/outs of your own wages?