AIBU to choose to be a single mother, and can I afford it?

[Shipofthedessert]

I’m approaching 40. I haven’t met the elusive Mr Right but I desperately want a child.

My main worry is money. Mortgage is £700 a month. Combined with childcare fees of around £1000, this leaves me with around £500 for everything else: car insurance, phone and internet, petrol, food, clothes, toys. I know some of these can be obtained very cheaply but some obviously can’t.

I’m also worried about the child not knowing his or her father and if this would impact on them negatively.

AIBU?

PS also a bit similar to you in that I don't have much of a support network locally due to having moved around a lot in life for work etc... So thats why I like the idea of coparenting with a gay couple. Like you, I'm also pretty friendly and have been to plenty of classes and social meetup things since moving to my current city a few years ago. But life gets in the way.... failed relationships that took up all your time, long work days etc. So its not always that simple.

700 per month is not extortionate btw. It is the amount you'd pay to borrow about 130k on a repayment mortgage over 25 years. Anyone paying much less than that either bought years ago when property was much cheaper, or has a really substantial deposit.

I know lots of people are saying that you can create your own support network, through toddler groups, nursery etc. How exactly does that work when you need to work full time to support yourself and all of those things are generally weekday only? People usually aren't willing to upend their life to take care of someone else's child on demand, for someone they might have only known for a few months on maternity leave. Yeah, you might find a friend who will maybe watch baby for a while here and there, but you can't plan to maybe in future meet people, and grow close enough that they will always be there for you when you need them.

Its definitely much harder than previous posters are suggesting. I have been in the position of raising small children with no support, and without being able to afford to employ a nanny or au pair. It is so difficult, you are constantly worried that you will lose your job because you need to take time off for things.

Yeah mine are 3 +5 and don't have a single mum friend except my sister and sil to some extent. I went to baby groups etc but never clicked with anyone then again I don't really care much for other people's kids which is all you have in common really.

Some really harsh posts on this thread.

I've been a single parent since dd was 18 months old - she's now 11. I might just have been lucky, but I've found parenthood to be entirely positive and I seem to have had an easier ride than others posting here. I earn a bit less than you and pay a bit more on my mortgage (tiny deposit), but the money seems to stretch (I live in a walkable city and don't have a car, which helps).

Dd's father is around but he's more of a drain on my resources than a help. I do think it's important to think about having a male role model for your dc, but this doesn't have to be a father.

I don't think you'd be crazy to go for it, OP. It's worth thinking carefully about how you would cope with a child with serious disabilities - I think that would be my main worry. But yes, the money side would be doable.

Anyone paying much less than that either bought years ago when property was much cheaper, or has a really substantial deposit.

I pay less than half the OP, but my property only 85k. I do agree that 700 per month isnt exortiate. Some of us just live in, or moved to areas that are cheap.

I earn a bit less than you and pay a bit more on my mortgage (tiny deposit), but the money seems to stretch (I live in a walkable city and don't have a car, which helps).

This is a huge difference though. My car isnt on finance. But as ds dudnt get into the nearest school and theres no jobs that would pay enough to cover my Bill's, I also have to drive to work. I spend about 15% of my wage on petrol. Then tax, insurance, MOT, upkeep etc. I dont anywhere near the OP either.

I've done that and I have not family support as they are abroad. Please look at the DCN network website and also the Gingerbread website which will take you through what you are entitled.

Yanbu

You can afford it at present.

Is your career pathway fairly stable? Are you able to drop to part time for awhile? This may help with forging some friendships as it is very difficult to meet parents when working full time.

You are friendly and open to friendships and building connections. Keep prioritising this.

I think people are quite harsh on others who don't have support but I think if you are genuinely open to new relationships then you have a good chance. I know I made quite a few friends and aquaintences who may become friends, since having dc and I'm fairly introverted, but these did happen naturally with time (but they did begin when I was sahm/part timing).